Fun with College Essays!

[Molokidan]

I was talking about this in the chat, and someone said to just go ahead and post it here.

Well! I have 2 days left before the deadline, and due to my own super laziness, have just now finished the 3 essays I need to write for the University of California colleges. Actually, I haven't even truly finished all of them, because I can't decide which one should get the "Extended Answer" of 600 words.

Right now they are all only 200 words. Post your comments, flames, and whatnot on how bad you think they are, where the problem spots are, and stuff. I appreciate all of your help!

***

1: How have you taken advantage of the educational opportunities you have had to prepare for college?

During high school, I tried to challenge myself
to the best of my ability, and to get as much as
I could from each class. I've always had a
passion for english, so I took AP English as
soon as it was available. Throughout my four
years, I also made sure to involve myself with
as much after-school clubs, specifically, the
club I founded, the Italian Club, to practice
teaching others and preparing myself for my
possible future as an educator.

I also want to study Japanese in college, and
hopefully become a teacher of the language upon
graduating. My high school doesn't offer any
classes dealing with Japan or Japanese culture,
however, and this became a problem. I knew that
it was a possible career path for me, and I
wasn't going to give up easily, so I applied to
become a foreign exchange student. I knew that
it would be a great chance to learn valuable
skills, and I did my best to seize my dream.

****

2. Tell us about a talent, experience, contribution or personal quality you will bring to the University of California.

The ability to share one's knowledge with
another, and in turn make them a better person,
has always had a special place in my heart.
Because of this, I have made it my goal upon
graduating high school to give as much back to
the community as possible.

This drive to become a teacher, combined with my
own passion for foreign cultures, led me to
start the Italian Club in my sophomore year of
high school, which was designed to share Italian
culture and diversify our campus. As president,
I made it a point to teach Italian, a language
that was not offered as a course at the time, to
the members of the club.

This was my first step into the world of
teaching, my first chance to finally give back
to the world that had helped me to get this far.
I had to step down after two years, after making
the choice to become a foreign exchange student
and study abroad.

Combining that with the innumerable things I
learned from my year abroad, I now feel that I
have the ability to become a great teacher, and
repeat the cycle of fueling the desire to teach
in more young students.

****

3. Is there anything you would like us to know about you or your academic record that you have not had the opportunity to describe elsewhere in the application?

I have briefly touched on my experience in Japan
in the past two essays, but I believe there is
more to be said regarding that life-changing
experience.

Before becoming a foreign exchange student, I
was unsure as to what I would do, as far as
becoming a foreign exchange student. I had a
passion for Japan, and Japanese studies, but I
did not know how I would be able to utilize
these skills in the real world.

During my year abroad, however, I was able to
experience the joy of teaching a language. Many
a time, I was called upon during class to
instruct my Japanese peers on their English
usage. All of those experiences have ignited the
desire to teach inside me, and I really feel
that whether it's teaching English to Japanese
students, or Japanese to English students, I
will be able to make a difference in the lives
of young students. The UC colleges provide not
only a major in many areas of asian study, but
also a widely diverse cultural campus. I feel
that the most beneficial way for me to continue
my study of Japanese language and culture is to
enter a UC school.

****

Thanks again in advance to whoever responds. And don't forget the bonus mission of picking which essay should be extended to 600 words! *overzealous thumbs-up of death* <p>---------------

"Well slap a dead fish on me and call me Molokidan!"</p>

[pd Rydia]

I am dumb, but I can write...! A bit. Take my words with a grain of salt, but here's a few things.



****



-=- "I took AP English as soon as it was available"

Is it available before 4th year? It wasn't in either of my high schools, so this might better read "I took AP English as a matter of course" (or something to that effect)


-=- "I also made sure to involve myself with
as much after-school clubs, specifically, the
club I founded, the Italian Club, to practice
teaching others and preparing myself for my
possible future as an educator. "

I also made sure to involve myself with as many after-school clubs--specifically, the club I founded, the Italian Club--to practice teaching others and to prepare myself for my planned future as an educator.


-=- "and hopefully become"

and become


-=- "My high school doesn't offer any
classes dealing with Japan or Japanese culture,
however, and this became a problem. I knew that
it was a possible career path for me, and I
wasn't going to give up easily, so I applied to
become a foreign exchange student."

However, my high school doesn't offer any classes dealing with Japan itself or Japanese culture, which I recognized as a problem for my intended area of study (alt. career path). Not wanting to give up easily (alt. Thus), I applied to become a foreign exchange student.

- moving however to the beginning; no pause in middle of sentence
- "I recognized as a problem"...use of language to show how smart you are! ;] It's an American college...BRAG! ...Subtly, but a lot.
- removal of "possible career path;" sound more focused
- "Not wanting to give up easily" MIGHT or might not be overdoing it. I'd get other opinions on this, probably from educators themselves if possible.



****


-=- "This drive to become a teacher, combined with my
own passion for foreign cultures, led me to
start the Italian Club in my sophomore year of
high school, which was designed to share Italian
culture and diversify our campus. As president,
I made it a point to teach Italian, a language
that was not offered as a course at the time, to
the members of the club."

A drive to become a teacher, combined with my passion for foreign cultures, led me to start the Italian Club. Designed to share Italian culture and diversify our campus, I started this club in my sophomore year of high school and served as president. As such, I made it a point to teach Italian, a language that was not offered as a course at the time, to the members of the club.


-=- "This was my first step into the world of
teaching, my first chance to finally give back
to the world that had helped me to get this far.
I had to step down after two years, after making
the choice to become a foreign exchange student
and study abroad."

It was a [fill in the blank] experience (alt. your own spin, of course), but in two years I had to step down; I had made the choice to become a foreign exchange student and study abroad.


-=- "Combining that with the innumerable things I
learned from my year abroad, I now feel that I
have the ability to become a great teacher, and
repeat the cycle of fueling the desire to teach
in more young students."

- not just teach students how to teach (are you teaching educators, or foreign language students?), but perhaps also (primarily?) incite their desire to learn, etc. Not sure, as I don't know what classes you wish to teach.



****



-=- "During my year abroad, however, I was able to
experience the joy of teaching a language. Many
a time, I was called upon during class to
instruct my Japanese peers on their English
usage. All of those experiences have ignited the
desire to teach inside me, and I really feel
that whether it's teaching English to Japanese
students, or Japanese to English students, I
will be able to make a difference in the lives
of young students. The UC colleges provide not
only a major in many areas of asian study, but
also a widely diverse cultural campus. I feel
that the most beneficial way for me to continue
my study of Japanese language and culture is to
enter a UC school."

All of those experiences have ignited the desire to teach inside me, (perhaps elaborate a bit? Almost sounds a bit trite)

and I really feel that whether it's teaching English to Japanese students, or Japanese to English students, (or both? :P)

I will be able to make a difference in the lives of young students. (maybe you could mention some of the things you did in your LJ? Without being outright derogatory about JET or current US teachers, touch about how...Japan is lacking in enthusiastic, knowledgeable English teachers, and vice versa in the U.S. Detail, in the right places, will get you in. You certainly have convinced me, but I've read more than these essays. :P)

Asian (it is capitalized, isn't it?)

but also a widely diverse cultural campus. (good!)

I feel that the most beneficial way for me to continue my study of Japanese language and culture is to enter a UC school. (why UC over others, though? Yes it has those classes, and yes it's diverse, but are there others? :o? A mite bit of a weak point to end on)



****

I say extend the second or third essay. *nods* <p>

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<center><small>"We are just poor, wandering corn farmers..."

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[pd Rydia]

I'm told the essays have been sent in, thus, closingriffic! <p>

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<center><small>"We are just poor, wandering corn farmers..."

</p>