Part of a long story... I could use some critique.

[Nick Shogun]

I've been trying to untangle the bloated life of Vesper Aves, one of my RP characters, into a story that accurately incorporates the ties and relationships between all of my major characters. This is part of my fantasy story, [nameless], where Vesper tries to explain his past. I've never considered myself any good with descriptions of houses and people [I like to leave it to the imagination], so any and all help is appreciated. Also, on a lighter note, I do hope you enjoy this.

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When Saul had first entered the Impregnable Palace, beaten and broken, Guato had met
him with a look of utter horror. Saul face was bloodied, covered with cuts and scrapes, and he
limped ever so slightly, bearing the mark of a possibly twisted ankle. His clothes were shredded,
and what was left of his once magnificent shika was now covered in blood– some of Godspyre’s
and some of his own. The mask had been shattered in two halves at the beginning of the battle.
        “Conquessssssssster Saul! What hassss happened to you?! You are in ssssuch terrible of a
state!” Guato noted in his hoarse, throaty voice.
        “I think that’s quite obvious, Guato. Fetch Mephisto from wherever that little worm in
hiding and get him on out here so he can heal me!” Saul shouted, slamming his right arm, the
only one with feeling left, against the side Guato’s scaly head. The lizardman screeched in
surprise and leapt backward, hissing and skulking into one of the numerous corridors that
branched off from the main entrance.
        For the first time in a long time, Saul had a clear mind. The swordsman gazed up at the
ceiling above him, fraught with chandeliers and vivid, illustrious paintings made of deep, rich
colors. Saul’s eyes widened in awe at the thought of an artist capable of creating such
masterpieces. Of course, who knows when these paintings were done? Vesper had told Saul
quite some time ago that he had not built the palace, but had found it, uninhabited by any life.
Who knows what became of those who may have dwelled indoors.
        The contruction of the castle was just as strange. On the outside, it looked like a
crumbling tower, with groves of moss and weed springing up all around. By Saul’s shrewd
observations, the width in whole could only have been about a hundred feet in length! Once
inside, however, corridors branched off in every which way, and staircases stretched for miles in
a single direction. Vesper admitted that many chambers remained unexplored.
        “My Impregnable Palace is a very mystical place,” Vesper had told the swordsman. “To
fully archive in my intellect the location of every room, every nook and cranny, I would need
more than a single mind. You see, Saul, it is an obvious conclusion to be made that this is in fact
an enchanted palace, for whatever reason, and could have housed several thousand soldiers, or
aristocrats, or whoever may have built it. The fact of the matter is, this castle belongs to me now,
and I sense no dangers or mysteries hidden inside that are worth foolishly seeking.”
        Saul sighed. Conceivably, Vesper may be well and good with living in only the outermost
portions of his domain, but to live somewhere and not know what may be lurking within was a
thought that made Saul shudder. Though he was a fierce swordsman, he was distrusting, and he
considered that he might never have dwelled in the palace of his own accord. Distrust was what
drove him to these means, anyway.
        Before Saul could wrench another idea from his head, a high-pitched voice rang out
through the halls. The proud warrior shivered. A good hundred feet in front of him, and walking
very quickly, were three people. A young woman took up the head of the trio, and it had been
her voice which made Saul flinch with annoyance. Her slender figure and smooth skin suggested
she was in her twenties, and she wore a deep red velvet dress that ended just below her knees.
Long, wispy black hair flowed freely behind her as she strode forward, whilst two impenetrable
brown eyes glared angrily at him. By the time he had finished making this assessment, she was
already upon him, both arms slamming against his chest as hard as she could muster, then
wrapping tightly around his waist and forcing Saul to gasp for breath.
        “Oh Saul! When Guato burst into the throne room and said you were badly injured, I just
didn’t know what to think! How did he get hurt?! What was he doing out there?! Why are you
such an IDIOT!”
        Where tears had originally been running down her cheeks, a fair amount of red now
consumed her eyes, and she cursed Saul in a very fast, angry tone. Saul groaned and hung his
head. “Liat, please... this shouldn’t concern you. I have important matters to discuss with
Vesper.”
        Vesper, of course, had been the third person in the trio, the second being Guato, and now
stood idly beside the short lizard, with his left hand on his right elbow and his right hand pressed
against his chin. His eyes yielded a look of suspicion, which Saul recognized instantly. He
pushed past Liat, a move which enraged her all the more, and stopped before Vesper. “My lord!
I’ve met an old friend of yours.”
        The fair man merely gazed down in his blue-haired agent. “An old friend? I have many
old friends, Saul. Could you be a bit more specific?”
        “He goes by the name of Bardent Godspyre, my lord.”
        This seemed to animate Vesper’s expression. His right eyebrow raised inquisitively.
“Bardent... Godspyre. What an interesting turn, indeed. And how did you come across this so
called Godspyre?”
        “In a tavern, sir.”
        “An odd place for you to be.”
        “Seeking information, my lord. I heard him talking about the orbs... so I followed him a
great distance, until at length we reached a large field. Despite my stealth, he had sensed my
presence, and willed me reveal myself.”
        “And you did?”
        “Aye, my lord, and we discussed the orbs briefly, but Godspyre said that he could not
allow anyone else to chance upon them.”
        Vesper smiled faintly. “That is Godspyre’s reasoning. Eliminate everyone against you,
whether they are a threat or not. Fighting is his language.”
        Saul did not understand Vesper’s last statement, but he continued on neverless. “That
man– his skill was far beyond average. He wore the outfit of a shinobi, and fought like one on
the highest level. I could hardly match speed with him. We fought for quite some time, and in
the end he and I were stalemated, both disarmed, and both in hellish form. I thought I might still
have the oppertunity to win, but he had friends.”
        “Friends?”
        “He said he was a walking disease, spreading death and destruction wherever he went.
His little speech did not move me, and I moved to attack again, but out from the ground in front
of me rose a beast so horrible I cannot bring myself to describe it except as a withering mass of
red snakes that had assumed a man’s form. Before I could defend myself, it struck me hard in
the chest, and sent me tumbling to the ground. Well, in my weakened condition, I could barely
bring myself to sit. I looked at this creature standing over me, and realized I could die in any
instant, but it moved aside, and Godspyre beckoned it to him.”
        “Beckoned it? Did he call out to it?”
        “Not at all, only a wave, and it ambled over to him. Other creatures emerged from the
woods, most of them resembling something remotely human, though not entirely. I finally
worked myself up to stand, and then the shinobi spoke. ‘My name is Bardent Godspyre,’ he
moaned, and I recoiled in shock, because the voice he now spoke with was of one of the most
horrible sounds I’ve ever heard, as though a hundred dying men spoke out in unison to me. ‘You
have a familiar scent on you, though until now I could not compell myself to remember who it
belonged to. You have been near Vesper Aves, have you not?’ Well, I was baffled as to how he
would have known, for I’ve never known a man with a nose that strong, and before I could say
anything, he spoke again, this time in a far more aggravated tone. ‘Long have a searched for that
scoundrel, and I just happen to come upon one of his minions. How fortunate that we should be
searching for the same thing.’ He didn’t sound to happy at all, and his eyes were burning with an
unholy flame, my lord. ‘Take a message to your master. Tell him that I’m building an army, and
soon, I’ll come for him. He’s lived for too long. He’s broken too many lives.’ Then he turned
around and skulked into the forest, his men following behind him. I was stunned, and after I
gathered my wits, I wandered back toward the tavern and found my mount, and came here
straight away.”
        “Without seeking medical attention? Saul, you moron!” Liat growled, punching him in
the shoulder. The swordsman moaned.
        “I thought it was more imporant that Vesper hear this as soon as possible...”
        He trailed off as Guato, who had left the hall a few minutes prior during Saul’s
explanation of the battle, returned with Mephisto following behind. “There issss your patient,
doctor. Fix him up and sssshut him up as well.”
        Mephisto approached Saul and gazed up at him through a pair of thick glasses. “I swear,
Saul,” he scolded in a raspy voice, “if you don’t start being more careful, you’re going to end up
dead, young man.” The stumpy elf extended his arms and placed a hand on each of Saul’s
shoulders. A wave of cold swept through Saul’s body, and then he felt very relaxed. He swayed
back and forth for a moment, and then fell forward into Vesper’s arms. Liat rushed over to him
and helped Vesper stand him straight. The swordsman grabbed his head.
        “What exhilaration,” Saul drowsily commented.
        “Mephisto serves one purpose, and that is to heal our wounds. Of course he has to be
good at his job, or else he is useless to me,” Vesper mused. “Now I want everyone to return to
their quarters. I need to speak with Saul privately.”
        Liat quickly took the oppertunity to object. “Vesper, Mephisto may be able to heal, but
his talents leave the subject dazed and confused! Saul needs to rest!”
        “Saul will rest when I am done with him,” Vesper indicated as he paced back toward the
throne room. “When I am through talking to him, I’ll send him straight to you.” Saul trailed
behind Vesper and the two disappeared into the throne room, leaving Guato, Liat, and Mephisto
to themselves.



Edited by: [url=http://pub30.ezboard.com/brpgww60462.showUserPublicProfile?gid=nickshogun>Nick] at: 12/22/02 4:40:32 am

[Nick Shogun]

Damn, what a crappy formatting job this post did! Never cut and paste from WordPerfect, my friends.

[pd Rydia]

Suggestion: All that battle-action stuff that Saul talks about? Make that part of the story. You could flashback it, or write it up to preceed your current segment, or whatever...but right now there's not a whole lot of action. Just talking about it.

Other than that, it's a fairly decent bit. Very good diction and description. <p><div style="text-align:center">

---

"On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me...an F.N.W.C.!"
-- VampireJesterJinx (VA by...Dia! :D!)</div>

---

<span style="font-size:xx-small;">Barge: *raises his sword* Game... *twirls it* Set... *smirk*
Big Fat Chocobo: *a big fat chocobo falls on the demon Barge* ^)-(^
Hakaril: .......Dia? Did YOU do that?
Rydia: *stares* o_O ...I think so.
Hakaril: ...that's great!
Richard: O.O WOAH. Remind me NEVER to get YOU mad, Dia. O.O;;;;
Raptre: HAAAAAAA HAAAAAAA!!!!!!
Idran: So remember everyone. Crushing works good on demons.</span></p>

[Nick Shogun]

Thanks.



Edited by: [url=http://p068.ezboard.com/brpgww60462.showUserPublicProfile?gid=pdrydia>pd]&nbsp; at: 6/10/05 18:13