Purple Prose for the Lose

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Purple Prose for the Lose

Unread postby Kai » Mon Mar 16, 2009 10:30 pm

This was amazing. And it got better and better.
<blockquote>So, let's pretend it's pretty late and you're doing a little light reading before bed, as you sometimes do. This book is one that you bought used probably fifteen years ago and it has sat on your shelf since then. Now, you've decided to read it and within the first page you realize it's one of those fantasy novels, written by a man who wants to idolize his fantasy princess dream woman. But after he gets past describing her in chapter one you think, okay. Maybe there's a good story in this book anyway.

Anyway, it's only 200 pages, so even if it's awful it'll be quick.

So it's late. You're about halfway finished with the book. The princess has met the faerie king and he's brought her to the faerie court! She's met the faerie wives! And you turn the page and come across this:</blockquote>Two scanned pages are on the original entry. You have got to read this. I've never seen similes and metaphors so cracked out in all my life. "Her thighs were geese, pythons, schooners." Just wait until you see what the author says is a ferret.

Also, if you can tell me what the gibbous moon smells like, I will be in your debt.

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Unread postby Blackwind Isao » Tue Mar 17, 2009 8:45 am

Apparently it has the scent of snow. Or at least that's what this guy would have us believe. Those two pages rate as some of the most rediculous I've read in quite some time. I wonder if you took the time to read the next six pages as well though.

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Unread postby Kai » Tue Mar 17, 2009 8:46 am

The bizarre sex scene?

Yes. Yes, I did.

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Unread postby NamagomiMk0 » Tue Mar 17, 2009 3:48 pm

Oh god. THAT excerpt.

...I officially hate romance novels.

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Unread postby Idran1701 » Tue Mar 17, 2009 5:06 pm

NamagomiMk0 wrote:Oh god. THAT excerpt.

...I officially hate romance novels.

That's a fantasy novel, Doug, not a romance novel. They just tend to have the occasional overlap in content. :P

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Unread postby Christian » Tue Mar 17, 2009 5:22 pm

I read the first book of Anita Blake once.

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Unread postby PriamNevhausten » Wed Mar 18, 2009 12:38 am

Pah. Try reading Ulysses by James Joyce.
"You haven't told me what I'm looking for."
"Anything that might be of interest to Slitscan. Which is to say, anything that might be of interest to Slitscan's audience. Which is best visualized as a vicious, lazy, profoundly ignorant, perpetually hungry organism craving the warm god-flesh of the anointed. Personally I like to imagine something the size of a baby hippo, the color of a week-old boiled potato, that lives by itself, in the dark, in a double-wide on the outskirts of Topeka. It's covered with eyes and it sweats constantly. The sweat runs into those eyes and makes them sting. It has no mouth, Laney, no genitals, and can only express its mute extremes of murderous rage and infantile desire by changing the channels on a universal remote. Or by voting in presidential elections."
--Colin Laney and Kathy Torrance, William Gibson's Idoru

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