Riding upon inspiration... The Creation of Enlil

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Blaze Yamato Spirit
 

Re: Proofread? Get yo' Momma to Proofread!

Unread postby Blaze Yamato Spirit » Mon Dec 30, 2002 2:23 pm

Finally got around to reading this. Well done! This is great stuff, and I'm looking forward to your next installment.

I only noticed two errors in the last installment, which are as follows:

The others follow the Dark Sidhe out. The two humans emerge,as does the male half-elf. – Very minor error. No space between the comma and “as”.

"Wait a minute," says trhe half-elf - Typo. Should be “the”.

And that was it. Woohoo!

~Ross


Uncle Pervy
 

FINALLY! Now, you see a truly hard scene to write.

Unread postby Uncle Pervy » Wed Jan 08, 2003 3:00 pm

As we step into the Pinnacle, Rei charges forward and declares that she will never follow Lord Aliester. I hardly pay her any mind. Here at his side, I have no worries. I know that all will be here.

He chuckles, then says “Your words wound me, Rei. But it is of no consequence," while regarding the group with a smile. He sits perched on a seat that dominates the chamber, his chin resting on folded hands. Windows ring the chamber, allowing me to see the sky outside. I can also see the bulk of the Core, it's steel form stretching for a few miles in every direction.

"I have brought them as you requested, my Lord," I say, as I kneel low to the ground, and touch my palms to the floor. My wings spread wide and low, my pinions touch the floor.

"Yes, my herald,” Lord Aliester says to me, his warm green eyes meeting mine. "You may rejoin me now."

Standing, I let my wings carry me to His side. I take position by his seat, my hands folded before me. Lord Aliester rises from the chair, and begins to float in the air. I do not truly listen to Him, as I bask in the energies of His presence. I know what He has to say. I already know that He is the way to harmony.

He greets them, and Mellewyn answers with arrogance and a threat. Lord Aliester ignores it, as the human male asks him why. Lord Aliester answers, calling that human Caesar.

He begins to explain. Lord Aliester explains to them his desires. He explains how He intends to ascend to the pinnacle of the universe, and unify it. Lord Aliester tells them how he will take every plane and dimension, and merge then into a single realm. The barriers that separate mortals from each other, and mortals from immortals, will fade away.

They question him, I don’t understand why. They ask how he has the right to do so. Don’t they see? How can they not feel it? How can they want to stop him from bringing harmony?
Don’t they understand that people are suffering and dying for no reason? Don’t they know that Lord Aliester can stop it?

Why do they resist it? I don’t understand. They ask how he could try to take the place of the Creator; of God, Rei shouts. Why is that important? How can they protect something that allowed the Universe to be like this?

The half-elf, called Aramilos, asks how Lord Aliester could destroy the homeland of Elvenkind, how he could sacrifice all the history and achievements of his people. But how is that greater than the lives of those who suffer now? How can they value what has already been over what happens now, over what has yet to be?

Lord Aliester, how have they become so blind?

But he forgives them. He tells them that soon enough, they shall see the truth. I pray it is so. But, the white-haired Sidhe, who had remained mostly silent as Lord Aliester spoke, steps forward. He declares that the Dark sidhe will never bow before anyone, then draws the silvery two-handed sword at his side and charges forward!

Lord Aliester’s own sword sings free of its sheathe, intercepting Mellewyn’s blade. Then, Calmly, Lord Aliester declares that Mellewyn has revoked his right to existence, that his own blind hate renders him unfit to stand in the new era to come. Lord Aliester states that such a blemish will be removed…

Sorrow wells in my heart for Mellewyn. To turn Lord Aliester against him… To resist Harmony so blindly… That such people exist, it hurts me to think of it.
<p><div style="text-align:center">Image Image Image Image Image ImageImage</div></p>Edited by: [url=http://pub30.ezboard.com/brpgww60462.showUserPublicProfile?gid=unclepervy@rpgww60462>Uncle]&nbsp; Image at: 1/14/03 8:54:47 pm

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pd Rydia
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Re: FINALLY! Now, you see a truly hard scene to write.

Unread postby pd Rydia » Wed Jan 08, 2003 3:28 pm

<ul>"...But it is of no consequence." all while regarding the group a smile." -- I'm not too sure about punctuation rules, but I *think* the first period should be a comma, and you missed a "with" at the end there.

"few miles in every direction" -- your period jumped a line! :P

"touch her palms" -- "my" palms?

"The half-elf, called Aramilos, asks how Lord Aliester could destroy the homeland of Elvenkind, how he could sacrifice all the history and achievements of his people?" -- punctuation ("...people.")</ul>Typos aside, nice addition. I don't think I can add anything more, beyond my wish to read on. If this was hard to write, I couldn't tell. <p>
<span style="font-size:xx-small;">Barge: *raises his sword* Game... *twirls it* Set... *smirk*
Big Fat Chocobo: *a big fat chocobo falls on the demon Barge* ^)-(^
Rydia: ...and...squish?
Hakaril: .......Dia? Did YOU do that?
Rydia: *stares* o_O ...I think so.
Hakaril: ...that's great!
Richard: O.O WOAH. Remind me NEVER to get YOU mad, Dia. O.O;;;;
Raptre: HAAAAAAA HAAAAAAA!!!!!!
Idran: So remember everyone. Crushing works good on demons.</span></p>

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SorataYuy
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Re: FINALLY! Now, you see a truly hard scene to write.

Unread postby SorataYuy » Thu Jan 09, 2003 2:26 pm

ah, we finally see it start to get down to the nitty-gritty *knowing smile*.

-psst. Rydia. he found this hard to write because on the site Rei and I know him from, it took place not quite from any one character's POV, but from a "global POV', for lack of a better term. and I must say, he's done a damn fine job with it.-

So, keep it up Pervy boyo. shall be looking forward to more as always. <p>"I don't need a plan just a goal. The rest will follow on its own." Gerrard of the Weatherlight

"Told you... You're my type..." Sorata Arisugawa</p>

Uncle Pervy
 

Re: FINALLY! Now, you see a truly hard scene to write.

Unread postby Uncle Pervy » Thu Jan 09, 2003 10:24 pm

That, and the fact I had to condense an awful lot, in which Enlil played virtually no role <p><div style="text-align:center">Image Image Image Image Image ImageImage</div></p>

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Animala
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Re: FINALLY! Now, you see a truly hard scene to write.

Unread postby Animala » Thu Jan 09, 2003 11:28 pm

Well, I must say this fic is truly well-written, and the descriptions are very nice. But...

To be honest, it bored me at times. This isn't because the story is uninteresting, but because the perspective is. Enlil's personality is immediately clear from the first installment, and is not particularly developed in later installments. She basically has only three emotional states:
1) adoration of her creator
2) pain at the problems of the universe
3) puzzlement at the resistance of mankind

Her faith is absolute. Nothing shakes her belief that Aleister knows best. She's like a child, except that she doesn't know fear or uncertainty. At this point in time, she is a one-dimensional character.

This really doesn't make her a good narrator for a story. Her thought processes aren't particularly interesting, and the story itself isn't action-packed. If the story were told from some other perspective in addition to hers, it would probably be better. And of course, the later version of Enlil is a much more interesting character.

As it is, this story, although very well written, doesn't speak to me at all.

-White Knight


Uncle Pervy
 

Re: FINALLY! Now, you see a truly hard scene to write.

Unread postby Uncle Pervy » Thu Jan 09, 2003 11:42 pm

That's part of the reason I was so reluctant to carry it out.

At this point in her life, perhaps eight hours have passed, nothing has broken her faith. She is pretty one dimensional and focused, because hse has yet to find a reason not to be.

Hmmm... (Saves an Idea)

The other thing is that the plot is set in stone, due to the fact it was an RP, and Enlil was quite minor in it at the time. I've only taken it out so far partially because I wanted to do it. A lot of it is establishing background, so you don't say WTF when event X happens.

Overall, I'm not to so much happy with the story itself as I am with what I've been able to do with a bunch of disparate bits.

HOWEVER! There are some things I can still play with, early in the story. Scenes not really involving Rei, I can play with a little until Enlil meets with Mellewyn.

Thus, I ask you, any suggestions? <p><div style="text-align:center">Image Image Image Image Image ImageImage</div></p>Edited by: [url=http://pub30.ezboard.com/brpgww60462.showUserPublicProfile?gid=unclepervy@rpgww60462>Uncle]&nbsp; Image at: 1/9/03 10:57:58 pm

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Animala
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Re: FINALLY! Now, you see a truly hard scene to write.

Unread postby Animala » Thu Jan 09, 2003 11:56 pm

And ya know what? For the people who RPed the events that occured, this is probably a REALLY good story, because for them it acts as another perspective on the events. For that purpose, it's very good.

This story is quite an accomplishment, even if it would be better if it weren't standing on its own.

As for suggestions, a conversation with someone that focused more on Enlil than on Aleister might be good. Or several conversations with some unifying element that makes Enlil wonder what's so important about (for example) free will.

Basically, anything that leads to Enlil commenting on either herself or on SPECIFIC aspects of human nature rather than generalities would probably be a good use of her character. Get her to think about something that HASN'T been quite so explicitly set out for her by Aleister. That can be done with having her question her faith at all.

-White Knight

Edited by: [url=http://pub30.ezboard.com/brpgww60462.showUserPublicProfile?gid=whiteknightdelta>White]&nbsp; Image at: 1/9/03 11:06:04 pm

Rei AyanamiEva00
 

Re: FINALLY! Now, you see a truly hard scene to write.

Unread postby Rei AyanamiEva00 » Fri Jan 10, 2003 6:09 am

Heh, for a hard scene to write, you did beautifully.

I like the whole story as a whole, because it's a chapter of the Grudge Match from a totally different perspetive. I enjoy this immensely. Keepup the good work Pervy! Image <p>Walk softly...and pilot a big mech...

"You're not...Human...Are you?"
--Akari Kamagishi [Fighting Girl Series]

Mankind, as we knew it, is doomed. The Chrysalis will change us all. Let's just hope it's for the better...
--Konoko, ending of Oni
</p>

Uncle Pervy
 

Revision

Unread postby Uncle Pervy » Mon Jan 13, 2003 2:22 pm

Alright. Working with Koss, I am trying to bring more attention to Enlil herself. This is an experimental bit, I want everyone to tell me what they think. If it's liked, I'm going to add it, and edit the rest of the story to work in this new perspective. But I want some thoughts, first.

New Stuff's in blue text.




The world within the core of Heimdal is so very different than the one outside of it. It is a world of steel corridors, of hard angles and enclosed spaces.

In some ways, it feels like the cave that I followed the woman into a little while ago. The closeness of the walls and ceiling feel so limiting; I can hardly stretch my wings without my pinions brushing against the edges of the corridors. Everything is laid out in a geometric pattern; so unlike the natural dispersion of Heimdal. I can predict what on corridor will look like from seeing the previous ones.

The halls are filled with dust and debris; I seldom see one that does not look damaged. Glass litters the floor in some places; fallen support beams in others. From the corridors branch of small rooms whose purpose I do not know.

It feels alien. Yet at the same time, oddly familiar.

Lord Aliester told me of this place. He told me it was once used to travel between the stars by a race that resembled humans, known as the Cygnans. They spent years within the core, seeking a princess of their world who was lost, before finding her on Lord Aliester's homeworld. They attacked, and were stopped by a two brave women whose names went unrecorded. Lord Aliester chose the ruins of this ship to serve as the Core of Heimdal for it was one of the few things large enough to do so.

<span style="color:blue;">As I walk down corridor, I see something odd through one of the side doorways. Neither metal nor glass, it seems so very out of place. I stop and pick up, its surface coated with dust and yielding to my touch. It feels somewhat like a leaf, the way it shifts and changes under my fingers. Under the dust, its surface is smooth.

Paper. That is what this is. I recall it dimly from what Lord Aliester told me as he created me, amidst the flurry of understanding bestowed upon me. I run the paper between my fingers, marveling at the feel of it. Turning it over, I see something… odd on it: other people, representations of them imprinted on the paper.

It takes a moment for the proper word to come to my mind: it is a picture. There are two people on it. A woman with green hair, wearing some sort of darkened material over her eyes, stands next to… a man? I cannot tell. She stands next to someone with red hair wearing similar garb.

I wonder who they are? Perhaps some of the people who dwelt in the Core, before Lord Aliester claimed it? I wonder what they did? What function did they serve here? Lord Aliester has told me little of the Core. What did these two do here? Were they friends?

I wonder if I will ever have a friend? All I have here in Heimdal are Rei and Lord Aliester. Lord Aliester, I love and revere with all my heart. But he is not my friend, he stands too high above, I am only an angel before his divinity. He has more important things to worry about than I. I would have it no other way, harmony across existence is far more important than I am.

Rei… I do not know. I want to know her, to learn about her. When Lord Aliester allows, I shall. I want to speak with her, I want to try to understand why she resists, and help her see the truth. When Lord Aliester allows it, I shall. I wonder what I will do afterwards, though?

Putting the picture away, I continue to follow Rei, She is not very difficult to pursue, I can feel her presence within the Core no matter where she goes. Her footsteps are easy to follow, as well, and sometimes she speaks to herself. Lord Aliester has assured her safety while here, and she feels no fear. </span>

As I walk down a corridor, I hear her speak again, though her words are too faint to make out. Suddenly, I feel Lord Aliester's presence ahead, and I hear his voice reply!
<p><div style="text-align:center">Image Image Image Image Image ImageImage</div></p>

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pd Rydia
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Re: FINALLY! Now, you see a truly hard scene to write.

Unread postby pd Rydia » Mon Jan 13, 2003 3:42 pm

"I wonder if I will ever have a friend? All I have here in Heimdal are Rei and Lord Aliester. Lord Aliester, I love and revere with all my heart. But he is not my friend, he stands too high above..."

"Rei… I do not know. I want to know her, to learn about her...When Lord Aliester allows it, I shall. I wonder what I will do afterwards, though?"

I say those two bits especially add to the interest of the story, adding to Enlil's character. <p>
<span style="font-size:xx-small;">-=- "Got Dragonale?" -- Richard Storm (Nakibe)
-=- "Bah, my past was full of drinking and polymorph spells." -- Hakaril (Archmage144)
-=- "I REJECT YOUR PRESENCE!" -- CaptainPervy (UnclePervy)
-=- "What. In. The. @#%. Are. You. Two. Doing?" -- Hzar (Banjooie)</span></p>

Uncle Pervy
 

Re: Revision

Unread postby Uncle Pervy » Mon Jan 13, 2003 4:43 pm

Precisely.

So give Koss a damned good Huggle for inspiring it <p><div style="text-align:center">Image Image Image Image Image ImageImage</div></p>

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Animala
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Re: FINALLY! Now, you see a truly hard scene to write.

Unread postby Animala » Mon Jan 13, 2003 11:45 pm

Yes, indeedle. ^_^ I like it muchly. It's nice to see Enlil thinking for herself a little. And the desire for a friend is very interesting. And it doesn't compromise her devotion, because she recognizes it as unimportant...

Very nice. ^_^

-White Knight <p>

Image
Behold! Sig figs!</p>

Uncle Pervy
 

Re: Revision

Unread postby Uncle Pervy » Tue Jan 14, 2003 3:12 pm

Groovy. ^_^

I'll be officially inserting that, and working in this new bit into the rest of the story. It'll all be in blue text, for those interested. <p><div style="text-align:center">Image Image Image Image Image ImageImage</div></p>

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pd Rydia
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Re: Revision

Unread postby pd Rydia » Tue Jan 14, 2003 7:56 pm

Read the as-of-yet current revision.

Must say, good job! ^_^ <p>
<span style="font-size:xx-small;">-=- "Got Dragonale?" -- Richard Storm (Nakibe)
-=- "Bah, my past was full of drinking and polymorph spells." -- Hakaril (Archmage144)
-=- "I REJECT YOUR PRESENCE!" -- CaptainPervy (UnclePervy)
-=- "What. In. The. @#%. Are. You. Two. Doing?" -- Hzar (Banjooie)</span></p>

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SorataYuy
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Re: Revision

Unread postby SorataYuy » Tue Jan 14, 2003 9:19 pm

<Megatron speak>Yes..... Lightning Master likes... Likes very much.</Megatron Speak>

Yeah, keep it up Pervy. Tis very good stuff. Heck, one of these days we might even get around to putting up the conversation the dark-haired wanderer and Aliester had, ne? <p>"I don't need a plan just a goal. The rest will follow on its own." Gerrard of the Weatherlight

"Told you... You're my type..." Sorata Arisugawa</p>

Uncle Pervy
 

Re: Revision

Unread postby Uncle Pervy » Tue Jan 14, 2003 10:29 pm

First round of Edits are done.

I don't know if I achieved the purpose, though... <p><div style="text-align:center">Image Image Image Image Image ImageImage</div></p>

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pd Rydia
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Re: Revision

Unread postby pd Rydia » Tue Jan 14, 2003 10:37 pm

You certainly are moving in the right direction. I'm not entirely sure it can't be improved upon further, but I do know it's a good improvement indeed. <p>
<span style="font-size:xx-small;">-=- "Got Dragonale?" -- Richard Storm (Nakibe)
-=- "Bah, my past was full of drinking and polymorph spells." -- Hakaril (Archmage144)
-=- "I REJECT YOUR PRESENCE!" -- CaptainPervy (UnclePervy)
-=- "What. In. The. @#%. Are. You. Two. Doing?" -- Hzar (Banjooie)</span></p>

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KingOfDoma
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Re: Revision

Unread postby KingOfDoma » Mon Jan 20, 2003 6:55 pm

... woooooooooow.

Pervy, you got an A-class fic on your hands here!

This makes my stuff look a bit more like a stinking pile of horse dung!

Rock on! <p>--------------------
"Life is pain. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something." - The Dread Pirate Roberts

... frik, that's morbid.</p>

Uncle Pervy
 

*Makes Cha look like Horse Dung again* ^_^

Unread postby Uncle Pervy » Tue Jan 21, 2003 5:58 pm

As Mellewyn and Lord Aliester begin to clash, I feel that we are not alone. Lord Aliester feels it as well, but he is busy. Even though Mellewyn presses him, he does not stop trying to enlighten the others. He continues to speak, to answer their questions, as he deflect Mellewyn's assault.

Curious, I reached toward this one who is here, but not here. I extend my senses, until I can feel his mind. I smile just a little, as I recognize the one who came into Heimdal uninvented earlier. Heis watchng us from after, in a machine set to hover not far from the core. I can see him clearly in my mind's eye, using a set of lenses to try to see us. I suspect he is rather upset that he cannot hear us.

Welcome, I think, letting my thoughts carry into his mind, I see that you still linger nearby. Have you finally realized the path to Harmony lies with Lord Aliester?

Reaching into his thoughts, I can sensehow he feels, unlike our first meeting. The first sensation I get is shock, followed by a very panicked, What was that!?

It is Enlil,
I tell him. I felt your presence, that you were watching us.

I see,
he replies; I feel something akin to both nervousness and annoyance from him. He is afraid and upset that I discovered him.

Do not worry, I assure him, letting him feelmy sincerity, Lord Aliester already knows your here, but he is not offended. There is no reason to be concerned.

I feel sudden flash of anger at himself, for letting Lord Aliester see him. He believed that he could evade Lord Aliester's sight. Rather, he wanted to believe. I catch a stray word from his thoughts, as he berates himself: Sorata. He repeats it as his mentally curses his lack of stealth; I think it is his name.

Sorata, I send to him, paying no mind to the intensifying combat behind me, as I look in his direction, Please do not think that. You have done nothing wrong. Lord Aliester is not upset with you. I am not mad at you either.

Stay out of my mind,
his thoughts answer, sounding wearily patient. Please, don't read them. I really hate it.

I shall,
I reply, drawing back from his mind a little bit. I don't want to make him any more uncomfortable.

Thanks, he sends back. I don't suppose there's any way I can convince you that Aliester's just plain nuts, is there?

It simply is not true, I reply, All he wants is harmony.

That's easy for you to say!
he retorts. You've got nothing to lose! Seriously, what do you have to give up? Did you even have a choice? It's easy for you to say all that, when you haven't got anything at all to lose. I'm sick of your lectures, alright. Just shut up!

For a moment, I don't know how to react. Then, I answer. How is it that you think that? I follow Lord Aliester because He is right. When I was created, He asked me if I would follow Him. I chose to because I believe in Him, becaue underhim, the atrocities will end.

And I have sacrificed for it. I gave Lord Aliester my service. I flolow His will because I desire to, because I know it shall lead to harmony. I have given my life to Him. I exist to serve Lord Aliester because I want to.


I feel a sudden upsurge of rage, near me, propting me to break contact from Sorata. Harsh words fly through the air, most too fast forme to hear. Looking back, I see Lord Aliester and Mellewyn caught in a bladelock. Rei is leaving, walking toward the corridor that brought us here; she is tired of it all, and turns her back to the whole affair. The others look on in confusion, no longer sure who to believe.

Lord Aliester cries out in anger, invoking a powerful sirocco that sends the Lord of the Dark Sidhe flying. Mellewyn slams solidly into one of the metallic walls. As the snow-haired Sidhe begins to pick himself up, I feel Lord Aliester's rage subsist.

Beware, my Herald, his voice echoes in my thoughts, I must disperse this...

Suddenly, the windows all shatter, raining glass inwards! I cry out in surprise, wrapping my wings around myself to ward away the glass. I feel a chaotic energy ripple outwards, toward the edges of the chamber. Looking up, I see it pooling along the steel walls, glowing an angry red. The energy sears though the walls, serving through the metal as easily as my wings pass though the air. The energy explodes outwards, causing the walls to collapse!

But I do not fear. As the Ceiling begins to buckle, I feel Lord Aliester's power catch it. With a swift motion, from His hand, the fallen metal is sent flying over the edge of the Core. The open blue sky, still tinged with the colors of dawn, is open all around us.


I spread my wings and taste the breeze for the first time in this dimension, Lord Aliester's homeland. Then, the take to the air, and fly to the top of a metal tower, wanting to stay out of His way. As I sit upon the end of the tower, letting my legs dangle over the edge as I look down.

The one who oppose Lord Aliester struggle to their feet, even Mellewyn. such mercy he shows them! He could have channelled that energy into them, ending this with their lives. But instead, He tries to help them see; even Mellewyn. He shows them such mercy, how can they not see that?

Looking northward, I can see the machine that holds Sorata aloft, as he witnesses. I extend my thoughts to him once more, asking, Sorata? Do you see now?
<p><div style="text-align:center">Image Image Image Image Image ImageImage</div></p>

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pd Rydia
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Re: Revision

Unread postby pd Rydia » Tue Jan 21, 2003 7:49 pm

This was the installment of missing spaces it seems. :P
<ul><small>"Heis watchng us from after" -- "He is", "watching", "afar"

"I can sensehow he feels" -- "sense how"

"letting him feelmy sincerity" -- "feel my"

"I believe in Him, becaue underhim, the atrocities will end" -- "because", "under him"

"I flolow His will because I desire" -- "follow"

"Harsh words fly through the air, most too fast forme to hear" -- "for me"

"The energy sears though the walls, serving through the metal" -- serving? o_O

"As the Ceiling begins to buckle" -- "ceiling"

"Then, the take to the air, and fly to the top of a metal tower, wanting to stay out of His way." -- awkward wording, might want to rephrase

"The one who oppose Lord Aliester" -- "The ones..."

"such mercy he shows" -- "Such mercy..."</small></ul>
I'd be repeating myself about my earlier comments. So I won't.

Go on. ^_^ <p>
<span style="font-size:xx-small;">-=- "Got Dragonale?" -- Richard Storm (Nakibe)
-=- "Bah, my past was full of drinking and polymorph spells." -- Hakaril (Archmage144)
-=- "I REJECT YOUR PRESENCE!" -- CaptainPervy (UnclePervy)
-=- "What. In. The. @#%. Are. You. Two. Doing?" -- Hzar (Banjooie)</span></p>Edited by: [url=http://pub30.ezboard.com/brpgww60462.showUserPublicProfile?gid=pdrydia>pd]&nbsp; Image at: 1/21/03 6:50:28 pm

Rei AyanamiEva00
 

Re: *Makes Cha look like Horse Dung again* ^_^

Unread postby Rei AyanamiEva00 » Wed Jan 22, 2003 3:44 am

Hey... Good work Pervy! This is more good stuff! Image Keep going! Image I love it! <p>Walk softly...and pilot a big mech...

"You're not...Human...Are you?"
--Akari Kamagishi [Fighting Girl Series]

Mankind, as we knew it, is doomed. The Chrysalis will change us all. Let's just hope it's for the better...
--Konoko, ending of Oni
</p>

Uncle Pervy
 

You have absolutely no idea what I cut out in this scene.

Unread postby Uncle Pervy » Mon Jan 27, 2003 4:50 pm

That Aliester has gone nuts? Sorata answers,That's he's trying to do stuff that no one is meant to do? Easily.

Then why did he not kill them? I ask. Why does Mellewyn still draw breath? Lord Aliester declared him unfit to live, but still does not take his life. Lord Aliester still has hope for him. Even though he believes Mellewyn irredeemable, he still tries. What is the madness in that? He seeks only good, Sorata. Why must you let your fears win out against harmony? All you need to is accept what you already know in your heart.

This isn't about harmony or anything else! It's about freedom!
Sorata retorts, He doesn't have the right to take everyone's freedom to chose! You can't force any sort of enlightenment like that! It's easy for you to say that when you don’t have any!

The cost of this freedom is lives,
I tell him, With life, there can be enlightenment. With life there is redemption; the chance to turn away from the mistakes of one's past. Yet each moment, people are robbed of that opportunity by the atrocities of others. Their souls are severed, thier lives destroyed, by those with no right to do so. The killers did not make their souls, how could they have the right to harvest them?

Did Aliester make their souls?
Sorata asks.

He made mine, I reply, And, he will soon ascend to the pinnacle of creation. Able to remake existence, the right is his. But still, he does not exercise it.

And I have surrendered my freedom for the greater good. You said that I have nothing to lose? That is not true. I live alone here, Sorata. There is no one within Heimdal but Lord Aliester and myself. I spend my time alone, with no one to spend it with. I await to Herald his coming, to sing and another his ascension to all. Until then, I wait alone.


There is silence for a moment from Sorata. Then he asks, What happens after that. What does Aliester have for you then?

I know not,
I tell Sorata.

What if it costs you your life? He presses. What if Aliester decides that you're unfit to live?

If it serves Him,
I answer, Then it is his to take. If it would serve in bringing the harmony Lord Aliester desires, I would give my life.

Suddenly, I feel Lord Aliester's Presence within my thoughts! My Herald, he says, Aid me. Sing for these mortals; bring them your song. Show them the futility of standing against me.

Yes, my Lord,
I answer.

Spreading my wings, I take to the air, soaring upward over the Core. I feel Lord Aliester’s power surround me, protecting me. Reaching within myself, I find the song that Lord Aliester desires, a song created by the Dark Sidhe.

Closing my eyes, I compose myself. Then, I begin to sing. I let my voice deepen, going to the depths of my vocal range. I feel the song’s power course through me, its magic flow from me with each note.

I lose myself in the music, its subtle power flowing through me. I feel it in my voice, in every inch of my being, as it radiates from me. Yet, it is but a shadow of what is to come when I herald Lord Aliester’s ascension.

Then, a burst of magic jars me from my song! I cry of pain echoes within my thoughts, as a cold, unfamiliar feeling settles into my heart as I look downward, toward the battle below.

That chill crystallizes as I look below. My throat constricts suddenly; I can only gasp a single word...

“No…”
<p><div style="text-align:center">Image Image Image Image Image ImageImage</div></p>Edited by: [url=http://pub30.ezboard.com/brpgww60462.showUserPublicProfile?gid=unclepervy@rpgww60462>Uncle]&nbsp; Image at: 1/28/03 3:49:25 am

Uncle Pervy
 

Blargh. Ease my pain, Mini-Rekia

Unread postby Uncle Pervy » Mon Jan 27, 2003 4:53 pm

I am so very not happy with this section. I want to try to rewrite it later Image

Any suggestions and such are vastly appreciated.

Also, if you want to know what she sounded like...

home.earthlink.net/~uncle...ena_01.wav
<p><div style="text-align:center">Image Image Image Image Image ImageImage</div></p>Edited by: Uncle Pervy&nbsp; Image at: 1/27/03 3:55:45 pm

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Re: You have absolutely no idea what I cut out in this scene

Unread postby pd Rydia » Mon Jan 27, 2003 5:28 pm

o_o

Creepy voice...

Erm...I'm afraid I can't really offer any useful feedback on this installment. But if you plan to revise it, I'll hold off on the usual C&C-ing stuff till then. <p>
<span style="font-size:xx-small;">-=- "Got Dragonale?" -- Richard Storm (Nakibe)
-=- "Bah, my past was full of drinking and polymorph spells." -- Hakaril (Archmage144)
-=- "I REJECT YOUR PRESENCE!" -- CaptainPervy (UnclePervy)
-=- "What. In. The. @#%. Are. You. Two. Doing?" -- Hzar (Banjooie)</span></p>

Uncle Pervy
 

Re: Blargh. Ease my pain, Mini-Rekia

Unread postby Uncle Pervy » Tue Jan 28, 2003 4:50 am

Looking back, there's not w whole lot I can do to it.

It's now as editted. <p><div style="text-align:center">Image Image Image Image Image ImageImage</div></p>

Uncle Pervy
 

It begins.

Unread postby Uncle Pervy » Wed Jan 29, 2003 2:42 am

The battlefield below is a maze of conflicting energies, assaulting my senses. I feel chaotic magic, mental energies, lunar magic, the remnants of a great summons... and the force of creation itself. All lingering in the air in a myriad tapestry of magicks, vying for dominance over my senses.

But though it all, I see the snow-haired Sidhe standing over Lord Aliester. My eyes widen in horror as I watch Mellewyn withdraw a sword from Lord Aliester's back, letting him fall to the ground.

How is it...?

How could...?

"NOOOO!"

The ground spirals toward me. Dimly, I realize my wings propel me. My throat feels ragged; I realize it is my own voice echoing in my ears...

Mellewyn's sword raises slowly, it's ivory surface gleaming with blood, with His Blood. It comes nearer and nearer, filling my vision... I reach out for it...

The blade swings downward, striking my palm. My feet hit the ground, the impact sending pain racing though my legs. My wings were able to slow me enough that I was not hurt. The silver aura around me keeps the sword from hurting me as a hold it. I realize it all as I look into Mellewyn's eyes.

They glare into me. His ice-colored eyes bore into my own, alive with hate and anger. I can feel him now, I feel rage and frustration from him, and a tiny bit of fear. Fear, rage, frustration at Lord Aliester, and at me...

"How?!" I shout, my face hot, wetness streaking down them. Everything in my body hurts! "How could you do that?! How could you harm Lord Aliester!?"

"Because he dared to upset the natural order,' Mellewyn growls at he, pushing harder on the blade. "Because, he dared to threaten the Dark Sidhe."

"Please, no more..." I say. I try to shout, but my voice is too weak to comply. "Haven't you hurt him enough!?Can't you see that he is dying?!"

I am struck dumb by that thought. Letting go Mellewyn's sword, I fall to my knees as my legs stop supporting me. What Rei say comes back to me as I cry out, "How, how can God die?!"


More wetness races down my face, sobs tear themselves from my throat. Over me, I feel Mellewyn's anger melt away into a grim humor. He finds this funny! How? How could he...?

I sit beside Lord Aliester, looking at his face, twisted in agony. I can feel he is still alive, that he is dying. Blood flows freely from the terrible hole in his chest, where Mellewyn's sword impaled him.

Gently, I reach over, and cradle his head against my body. He is so weak, so frail! It feels as though his body would fall apart in my hands.

I hurt! Why do I hurt so? Why did this have to happen? Why!? Lord Aliester,you only wished to stop the violence! Why did You fall to it? Why You? Why does my chest feel like it's on fire? Why can't I stop crying?!

The world around me becomes cold... I can't feel anything but my pain. I can't feel Mellewyn's savage joy, I can't feel the other's emotions. I can't feel Sorata's presence. The aura that Lord Aliester created to protect me vanishes.

All I can feel is Lord Aliester's weight against me, his warm blood seeping though my robes. All I can feel is my pain...

The others speak, but I cannot hear them. What does it matter? Lord Aliester dies! Then, he looks up at me, his green eyes fixing on mine. "Thank... you..." hisvoice rasps weakly.

"My Lord!" I exclaim, suddenly finding my voice, "Please don't die! You can't die! Existence needs you to bring the era of harmony!"

"No En...lil..." He says, his voice growing weaker. "I... owe every...one... here my...life."

"What do you play at now, mortal?" Mellewyn growls, standing over me. "You think that your pathetic tricks can save you?"

I look toward the mortals who came with the Dark Sidhe. They are gathered around Lord Aliester and I. I cannot feel what they are, I don't know what they feel! Why? "Please," I beg, "Please, you must heal Lord Aliester!" <p><div style="text-align:center">Image Image Image Image Image ImageImage</div></p>Edited by: [url=http://pub30.ezboard.com/brpgww60462.showUserPublicProfile?gid=unclepervy@rpgww60462>Uncle]&nbsp; Image at: 1/29/03 1:44:11 am

Rei AyanamiEva00
 

Re: Blargh. Ease my pain, Mini-Rekia

Unread postby Rei AyanamiEva00 » Wed Jan 29, 2003 3:26 am

As usual, up to your excellent standards! I love it! Image <p>Walk softly...and pilot a big mech...

"You're not...Human...Are you?"
--Akari Kamagishi [Fighting Girl Series]

Mankind, as we knew it, is doomed. The Chrysalis will change us all. Let's just hope it's for the better...
--Konoko, ending of Oni
</p>

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Re: It begins.

Unread postby pd Rydia » Wed Jan 29, 2003 5:43 pm

o_o

Ace. <p>
<span style="font-size:xx-small;">-=- "Got Dragonale?" -- Richard Storm (Nakibe)
-=- "Bah, my past was full of drinking and polymorph spells." -- Hakaril (Archmage144)
-=- "I REJECT YOUR PRESENCE!" -- CaptainPervy (UnclePervy)
-=- "What. In. The. @#%. Are. You. Two. Doing?" -- Hzar (Banjooie)</span></p>

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Kill that pretentious bastard!

Unread postby Jak Snide » Thu Jan 30, 2003 1:48 pm

What Dia said.


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Ooh! I know what happens next!

Unread postby Endadelta » Thu Jan 30, 2003 8:26 pm

*Wonders if Pervy has any sort of a musical theme to this fic* <p>

DB(Z) Manga Shrine - Da Tower - Dave Kelly Rocks Your Anus.</p>

Uncle Pervy
 

Re: Kill that pretentious bastard!

Unread postby Uncle Pervy » Mon Feb 03, 2003 4:09 pm

Got something in mind?

I'm going to experiment in posting in bite-sized chapterlets, hoping to speed up turn-out. <p><div style="text-align:center">Image Image Image Image Image ImageImage</div></p>

Uncle Pervy
 

You know the events... Maybe

Unread postby Uncle Pervy » Mon Feb 03, 2003 4:10 pm

As I look to them, Rei vanishes; I'm not sure how. I can’t feel the magic anymore. I can’t feel the emanations of the spells they had used. I can’t feel anything… except Lord Aliester’s weight on me, and pain.

The dark-skinned, dark-haired man called Caesar walks toward me. I look at him, but cannot feel what he is thinking. Is he going to help? “Will you heal Lord Aliester?”

"I've got more important things to worry about than him," Caesars says, looking down at me. "Tell me where the nearest landing bay is, one that still has a few of the freaky spider tanks we saw when we first landed here."

Landing Bay? The word is familiar, though I have neither heard nor used it before. How can he be thinking of that?

"But-" I say.

“Look, I don’t have time for this!” he exclaims, “Crystal might have been hurt when that damned star-thing attacked the Carrier! I need to get out there and make sure she’s alright. Mr. Purvis can take care of himself; he's got more than enough people here to deal with him. Now tell me where the nearest hangar is!"

"G-go down the hall that we entered from," The words slip from my mouth. How can he say that?! And… what does he mean by Star-beast? "Find the tenth doorway on the left side; it will open to a staircase. About seven floors down is a hangar."

He doesn’t answer me. He simply dashes off. I cradle Lord Aliester’s head, as I look toward the direction that the machine they took to get here, and see it is gone. What happened to it?

How could this happen?

My eyes start to hurt, feeling wet again. I close them, trying to drive away the pain.

"I can heal him..." Comes the voice of half-elf.
<p><div style="text-align:center">Image Image Image Image Image ImageImage</div></p>Edited by: [url=http://pub30.ezboard.com/brpgww60462.showUserPublicProfile?gid=unclepervy@rpgww60462>Uncle]&nbsp; Image at: 2/19/03 1:21:39 pm

Uncle Pervy
 

And more!

Unread postby Uncle Pervy » Mon Feb 03, 2003 4:43 pm

“Please,” I say, my voice weak as I look up at Aramilos, I remember Lord Aliester calling him this. “Please do it.”

“No.”

Mellewyn’s voice rings with finality. I look over to him, but he does not acknowledge me. Instead, he glares down on Aramilos. “This mortal is vanquished, and thus he shall remain.”

"Let me heal him," the half-elf says, his glare trying and failing to meet Mellewyn’s, "I think I can seal away his magic. Just let me heal him enough that he won't die. Then we can bind and gag him, while I prepare to seal it."

That is impossible. No mortal can do that. I still don’t understand, why have they done this? How could rob the universe of harmony?

"It will not work," Mellewyn answers, mimicking my thoughts. "Aliester's magic originates from a force beyond your comprehension. It is beyond the power of all, myself included, to seal one away from it."

"Look," Arimilos snaps, clenching his fists at his sides. "Aliester is the first human I've ever considered to be my friend! I told you when we first left that I was here to save him, and I still intend to. You know that he's abandoned his plans!"

"No, I do not," answers the Dark Sidhe coldly. "I only honor the angel's wishes by letting him die from his wounds and not by my hand."

"I really think he's better now," says the other human, Lord Aliester called her Janda, as she walks toward me. I can see concern on her face, even though I can’t feel it from her, I can see it. "Why don't we just heal him enough to keep him alive? That way, if he's really just faking it… Well..."

"No," answers Mellewyn, his voice cold. I look up at him, and try to speak. Yet no words come out. The Lord of the Dark Sidhe continues, "He dies now. Try to interfere and you will share his fate."

No.

I won’t let this happen!

Lord Aliester, I will save you myself.

I gently lower his head, settling it to the ground. “T-then,” I say, as I find my voice, “Then I will stop you.”

Lord Aliester’s sword lays beside him, by my knees. I reach down, and take the bloody weapon in hand. The hilt is still warm; I can feel how it has molded to His fingers. Standing, I hold the sword before me, as I saw Lord Aliester do minutes ago; folding my wings close.

I meet Mellewyn’s icy gaze. “They want to save Lord Aliester,” I say, finding my strength. The pain in my body seems to retreat, becoming an acute stabbing agony in my chest. I don’t care, I continue, “And only you want to stop them. If that is how you feel… then I will stop you.”

He does not raise his sword. He does not change his stance. A slight smile tugs at his lips. “Then you will join your master in death.”

"She'll not be the only one, you damned manipulative bastard," Comes the half-elf’s voice. "If she's willing to face you, then so am I." He stands beside me, both of his swords ready.

"You know who you challenge, Arimilos," Mellewyn says coldly, speaking to the half-elf yet not breaking his gaze with me. "Have you mastered yourself enough to be anything more than a petty amusement?"

"I don't care," the half-elf says darkly.

No...

Lord Aliester’s voice! It echoes in my thoughts

Lord Aliester! I try to answer. Yet I cannot feel his mind. I don’t know if he heard me…
<p><div style="text-align:center">Image Image Image Image Image ImageImage</div></p>Edited by: [url=http://pub30.ezboard.com/brpgww60462.showUserPublicProfile?gid=unclepervy@rpgww60462>Uncle]&nbsp; Image at: 2/19/03 1:24:12 pm

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Re: You know the events... Maybe

Unread postby pd Rydia » Wed Feb 05, 2003 2:07 pm

"I not sure how." -- I'm not sure how
"Except" -- except
"The word is familiar, though I have neither heard nor used it before. How can he be thinking of that?" -- this seems like an abrupt change in thought...it could use a "but" or some other conjunction/transitional thingy in there somewhere I think; oh, and "Landing bay" would be a phrase, not a word, really.
"as look toward the direct that the machine they took to get here" -- 'as I' and 'direction'
"Half-elf" -- half-elf
____

"If that is how you feel… Then I will stop you." -- then
"Comes the Half-elf’s voice." -- comes, half-elf's
____

Interesting turn of events... o.o Very good. Worth the slightly slow exposition, it is.

And yay, I recognize some of these names! ^-^ <p>
<span style="font-size:xx-small;">-=- "Bah, my past was full of drinking and polymorph spells." -- Hakaril (Archmage144)
-=- "I wanna get so drunk that I start seeing my friends as cows." -- Aya (LadyDragonClawsEDW)
-=- "If you're still able to see in colors and not in scents...you're CERTAINLY not drunk enough." -- Nakibe
-=- "LET'S ALL RUN FREE, NAKED, AND DRUNK!" -- Shirinai</span></p>

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Jak Snide
 
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Hmm.

Unread postby Jak Snide » Wed Feb 12, 2003 7:12 am

I like what I see, but I'm not seeing enough of it as of late.

As soon as you're done with that paper, write more, damnit! =P


Uncle Pervy
 

For Jak, during my free time at college

Unread postby Uncle Pervy » Wed Feb 12, 2003 3:21 pm

So what will you do, angel? speaks Mellewyn’s voice within my mind, Do you intend to stand and fight? Will you try to strike me down?

"Don't speak," I hear Janda say to Lord Aliester, "You'll just hurt yourself more."

I try to reply Mellewyn, to send my thoughts as I did earlier, but it doesn’t work. Nor does it matter! I’ll stop him from hurting Lord Aliester anymore! Everyone else has come to their senses. I’m not going to let Mellewyn keep them from helping Lord Aliester.

Is that your answer?, the Dark Sidhe says into my mind. Will you strike me down, angel? Stop me as your mortal creator tried?

If I must, Mellewyn.

"It is... quite alright," Aliester says aloud, his voice a little more calm, more steady than before. I can hardly make out the words, as Mellewyn’s voice echoes in my thoughts.

Forsake your ideals, then, Mellewyn answers. Toss them aside as the sorcerer did. Give into your hate; try and take my life. It will be amusing study of futility.

Hate? What does he mean? Do I… hate him?

Yes.

"The pain,” Lord Aliester gasps, “is not so bad... anymore.”

I hate Mellewyn. I hate what he has done to Lord Aliester… I hate that he turned Lord Aliester’s friends against Him. I hate that he tries to keep them from help Lord Aliester! I want to hurt him! I want him to feel like I do!

“I accept... my fate… my friends,” Lord Aliester continues, gasping for breath.

What?!

“Do not... throw... your lives away."”

"My Lord!" I shout, bringing more pain to my throat. "You can't!"

The world needs you! How can you think this? Lord Aliester… what of harmony? How can we have harmony if you die? Who will bring it?
<p><div style="text-align:center">Image Image Image Image Image ImageImage</div></p>Edited by: [url=http://pub30.ezboard.com/brpgww60462.showUserPublicProfile?gid=unclepervy@rpgww60462>Uncle]&nbsp; Image at: 2/12/03 4:08:40 pm

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Der yay!

Unread postby Jak Snide » Wed Feb 12, 2003 3:30 pm

Wootage! A little short, but enough to sate me for now.

You just better write more when you get home! *smirks*


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Re: For Jak, during my free time at college

Unread postby pd Rydia » Sat Feb 15, 2003 2:25 pm

Ooooh...interesting...

*nods* Good addition. Surprised to see Enlil showing hatred. Adds a nice bit of interest to the story, it does. <p>
<span style="font-size:xx-small;">-=- "Why must my flaming debris be so delicious and edible? ;_;" -- FlamingDeth
-=- "oye KoD! tu griego me rockearia, si fuera griego de verdad..." -- ikozaedro
-=- "Seriously. The undead just don't stop. Great, aren't they?" -- Dirk (Skull Dragon)
-=- "Kelne's a natural magnet for everything, from lovers to planetary destroyers to carrots." -- End Reshiki</span></p>

RedCometChar
 

Re: Der yay!

Unread postby RedCometChar » Mon Feb 17, 2003 3:29 am

Well, I haven't looked in on this in a while, but I'm pleased it's progressing so well! It feels like the chain of events, if not the installments, are coming along quicker than in the Graviton GM. Excellent work! <p>"Once an evil deed is done, it never ends! It goes on, and it will go on forever!" The Scorpion, Five Deadly Venoms</p>

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