The Coward's Beginnings (Fic)

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Banjooie
 
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The Coward's Beginnings (Fic)

Unread postby Banjooie » Thu Aug 15, 2002 6:16 pm

"The hell are you talking about, experimental spell?"
Diran was furious.
I've spent 7 years of my life at this magic school, and they want to take away every spell I've learned, so that they can give me this 'new experimental' spell directly!?

"Now, Diran, it's not as if you had a massive armoire of spells at your disposal, and it's not as if you're forgetting any. You'll just be unable to cast them, is all."
Lavoran Silverfire, one of the many scholar mages of Neo Vane, was the one who was chosen to bring Diran the news. The actual ceremony was going to be quite public, but would be done after the spell was implanted.
"But it still IS a damned waste, given that I've spent a good part of my life here for nothing!" Diran shook his fist in the scholar's face.

Lavoran shook his finger.
"Temper temper...you're lucky you're still here after the way you've treated some of the higher-ups over the years...and to be given an opportunity like this....you should be grateful."

Diran seethed.
"An opportunity? To have nothing but the ability to create POOLS OF WATER?!"

Lavoran raised an eyebrow.
"That's not the important bit. The important part is that you can KEEP the spells for later. They just haven't worked out how to do more than that spell with it."

"Yeah, and how'm I supposed to defend myself until that happens, hm? I've got some skill with the staff, but I don't think I'll be bashing heads in with them." Diran shot back at the older mage.

Lavoran chuckled, and took a very compassionate look on his face. It radiated the care of one human being to another, despite any hardships between them. It was a smile of friendship, plain and simple.

"That isn't my problem."
*******************************************************
Three days later.

"Aight, so he's been silenced, right?"
One of the older mages yelled. Diran was standing in the middle of a laboratory. Of course, this was more attuned to magical needs, as with having magical shields and other things in place.
"I still don't see why I can't just be taught the spell."

Lavoran blinked at Diran.
"Didn't we explain it? There are so many nuances to the spell, it would take thrice your time at Neo-Vane to learn it. It's better if it's done this way."

Diran was furious now.
"That doesn't change the fact that I SPENT SEVEN YEARS OF MY LIFE TO BECOME A GUINEA PIG!"

One of the older mages piped up. He'd just about had enough himself.
"You know, you weren't good for much else." He chanted quickly. "Silence!"

The grey symbol appeared over Diran, then disappeared.
"...."

"THROW THE SWITCH!"
Lavoran pulled a lever. A blue bolt of lightning struck Diran dead on in the back. He fell to the ground unconscious.

*******************************************************
The next morning.

"How're you feeling?"
Diran was in the medic room, laying in one of the beds. Lavoran was at his bedside.

"You wanna know how I'm feeling!? I'LL SHOW YOU!"
He chanted. "THUNDER!" Nothing happened.

Lavoran nodded slowly.
"See? It worked perfectly. Now concentrate on the spell foremost in your mind."

Diran took a deep breath.
"Let's see here...." He started to chant. A blue globe appeared in his hand. "I CAN CREATE BALLS OF LIGHT! WHOO! 7 YEARS OF MY LIFE TO LEARN HOW TO MAKE LITTLE BALLS OF LIGHT!" He threw it against a wall. The wall opened into a circular window, except it was full of water. The water, however, did not spill. It stayed as if it were frozen in place. After a minute or so, the water disappeared as the wall closed back up.

Diran realized the inherent possibilities, and brightened.
"Wow, that's really rather impressive..."

Lavoran, had he been paying attention, would have noted that Diran rarely had mood swings. When he did, there was usually something seriously wrong. As it was, he congratulated Diran, and helped him to his room.

********************************************************
The Day of the Ceremony

Diran was dressed in rather expensive robes. He was to be 'given' this spell in public, once more. He smiled. This day, he'd have his revenge. For every little slight the head master, and everyone had given him. At this entire school.

The ceiling of the auditorium was rather thin. He'd spent the entire night evenly putting globes of water along the top. He'd been nearly unconscious doing it, but everyone assumed he'd simply had too much to drink, celebrating.
If only I drank more than wine.

"Now, 2nd Class Water Mage Diran Ilsvire, please make your way to the dais." A voice boomed from the auditorium stand.
Diran adopted a very official looking air around him, and made his way to the platform, where three mages were waiting. "Are you ready to recieve the spell?" Lavoran, one of the three mages asked him.

Diran glared, but held himself back. "Yes, I am ready."
The mages chanted. There were a great deal of fizzes, bangs, and other impressive light shows that didn't actually change anything. When it was all over, Diran was instructed to show off his new spell. He created a globe of water in his hand.

"Right, now....there's only one thing to do. Get all you bloody bastards back for the last seven wasted years of my life!" Diran yelled, with a short laugh after. He threw the globe at the ceiling as hard as he could. It hit, and he concentrated to expand it to the entire ceiling. None of the mages were particularly impressed. Until, of course, the globes started falling through.

"Oh, he can do raindrops as well?"
One of the younger mages scoffed.

Lavoran looked up.
"Wait a second, he planned this!"
Of course, as the mages of Neo-Vane did not particularly appreciate people leaving during an assembly, the doors were sealed magically. Diran had dropped all of the excess bits of his robes and was jumping over the opening pools. Some of the slower mages were falling into them. The robes weren't heavy enough to drown them, but they weren't getting out any time soon. Diran had to jump on a few heads on the way, but he made it to a wall he'd previously put a globe by.

"Guinea pig? One! Neo Vane? Zero!"

He dived under the pool which extended both ways.
Now, Diran is a fairly intelligent person. However, architechiture is not exactly his forte. Neo Vane was built on a floating island over an ocean. The main magic school is built on a rather large hill. Thankfully, the auditorium is at the edge of such. However, with the way Diran leapt out of the pool... He was quite a bit bruised by the time he rolled down the hill.

Now to make my escape...

He got up slowly, and ran towards one of the first year mages personal airships. Of course, airship theft just didn't HAPPEN in Neo Vane, so...well...it wasn't that difficult to escape. Unfortunately, Lavoran'd made it out through a rather large, smoking hole in the wall, which he'd taken the liberty of creating for everyone.
He climbed up the stairs rather slowly, given his wet robes, and managed to get there in time to see Diran take off.

"Ilsvire! You're not getting away that easily!"
The now quite soggy mage chanted. "Inferno!"
The balloon of the airship burst into Flame. Diran looked up at it.
"Oh....HELLFIRE...wait..uh...that doesn't quite work..."

Now....what happens next is quite confusing. See....what we have is a sudden twist in reality, as Diran was, quite simply, not supposed to survive this. The experiment was to be a failure, and the secret of the globular magic was to be lost forever.

Unfortunately, things don't always go as planned. Somehow, perhaps by a twist of fate or a God's whim, he fell into the ocean, and survived. However, it was not the ocean he was used to. Perhaps a god may chuckle at this, perhaps it was necessary, but Diran had somehow crashed in the seas of Gaera.

*The sound of seagulls. Diran is floating on a raft made of tied together driftwood, near the coast of Riva. He is unsure of where the raft came from, but only has a vague memory of somehow building it himself. *
"Bloody...bastards...now where the heck am I? Shoulda taken geography more seriously, I think."

He saw land far off in the distance, and was thankful that the current was taking him the direction he needed to go.
He floated on his makeshift raft, stopping at a beach. All he had were his expensive robes, (which dried pretty quickly, he found)and his damned globes of water. A man ran up to him.
"Buddy......do ya got some water? I'm half-dead here...I'll pay anything...."

Diran smiled. "Anything?"

Maybe my skill'll have some use after all.. <p>

If I had a dollar for every stupid thing I said...</br>I'd probably say a lot more stupid things.</p>Edited by: [url=http://pub30.ezboard.com/ubanjooie.showPublicProfile?language=EN>Banjooie</A] at: 8/16/02 4:14:07 am

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pd Rydia
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Re: The Coward's Beginnings (Fic)

Unread postby pd Rydia » Thu Aug 15, 2002 7:45 pm

Interesting read.

I'd fix up the line breaks...they just look kinda sporadic and strangely placed. Also, there's one part of the fic I'd expand upon:

"He floated on his makeshift raft, stopping at a beach."

That seems a bit too sudden. I'd draw it out a bit, make the transition from floating on the wave to landing on the beach a little smoother.

I don't spot any troubles with grammar or spelling. As I mentioned before, I find it to be an interesting read. Certainly worth my time spent reading it. <p><font color=navy><hr width="47%"><small>Hello, my name is Dia. I'm a dragongirl, and I bite. RAWR!<hr width="31%">Quotes of the moment:
-=- "Love is when your brain stops working." -- White Knight
-=- "Love is when 72 billion monkeys steal a porsche and drive it off a cliff." -- SuperRube
-=- "Love is an intricate dance of lewd comments and biting." -- Lord McBastard</font></p>

Banjooie
 
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Joined: Fri May 31, 2002 11:20 pm

Re: The Coward's Beginnings (Fic)

Unread postby Banjooie » Thu Aug 15, 2002 9:36 pm

I figured that'd come later, actually.

More of a matter of.. "Wait a second...what'd I see on that danged raft..." Later on.

I'll expand, though.

And the line breaks are only random because I'm rather bad at placing them.
^_^;;

Glad you liked it though. <p>

If I had a dollar for every stupid thing I said...</br>I'd probably say a lot more stupid things.</p>

Uncle Pervy
 

Re: The Coward's Beginnings (Fic)

Unread postby Uncle Pervy » Thu Aug 15, 2002 10:17 pm

*Applause*

One of the better fics out there ^^

Now, my suggestion is that you implement some separations when the scene changes. For Example:

Quote:

"That isn't my Problem"

***

Three Days later.




Next, expand upon the crash scene, and the raft bit, as Sis suggested.

I really like how you portrayed his seven years of study being wasted. Well done, that.

Also, I'm curious to see how he came to Gaera.

Nice work Banj; keep it up. ^^
<p><table align="center" cellpadding=2><tr><td>Image</td><td align="center">Rum, White Magic, an' Cabbits.
That's th' life fer me.

Seig No-Pants!</td><td>Image</tr></table></p>

Banjooie
 
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Joined: Fri May 31, 2002 11:20 pm

Re: The Coward's Beginnings (Fic)

Unread postby Banjooie » Sun Aug 25, 2002 5:11 pm

(*decides just to delete the fic, as he realizes that he really, really hates it. >.<*) <p>

If I had a dollar for every stupid thing I said...</br>I'd probably say a lot more stupid things.</p>Edited by: [url=http://pub30.ezboard.com/ubanjooie.showPublicProfile?language=EN>Banjooie</A] at: 8/28/02 1:58:44 am

Uncle Pervy
 

Re: The Coward's Beginnings (Fic)

Unread postby Uncle Pervy » Sun Aug 25, 2002 6:18 pm

Mmmmkay.

You're falling into script style. Script Style for serious writing is the devil.

You need to work on a few things here. First, more description. Tell us a little bit about the scenery. Describe what people look like. What time of day is it? What's the weather like exactly? How is Diran feeling after being trapped, exactly? What did he do in the meantime? Flesh them scenes out!

Next, transtions. Instead putting rough breaks and saying 'X Hours/Days later', try working it into the story itself. Have Diran grumble and try to guess how long he's been stuck, for example.

Next, work with the old man a bit. He's a dragon. Drop some hints. Right now, it just comes out of the blue. This goes along with fleshing the scenes out.

Finallly, the cart-crash scene is a bit confusingly written. Try to clear it up if you can.

Overall, what you have is a framework here. It has a good idea behind it, but not enough writing. It needs to be fleshed out with some ripe, juicy descriptions. Then, it shalll be groovy. <p><table align="center" cellpadding=2><tr><td>Image</td><td align="center">Rum, White Magic, an' Cabbits.
That's th' life fer me.

Seig No-Pants!</td><td>Image</tr></table></p>

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pd Rydia
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Re: The Coward's Beginnings (Fic)

Unread postby pd Rydia » Sun Aug 25, 2002 10:17 pm

Bro's got the good critiquing down. All I'll add is, dragons aren't equipped with the proper vocal facilities to speak Common in dragon form...so the dragon would be telepathing everything as soon as he entered dragon form.

Otherwise, interesting little addition here. Nice to see where Diran got the "dragon meat tastes terrible" bit. >:D

Jared: *faints* <p><font color=navy><hr width="47%"><small>Hello, my name is Dia. I'm a dragongirl, and I bite. RAWR!<hr width="31%">Quotes of the moment:
-=- "Love is when your brain stops working." -- White Knight
-=- "Love is when 72 billion monkeys steal a porsche and drive it off a cliff." -- SuperRube
-=- "Love is an intricate dance of lewd comments and biting." -- Lord McBastard</font></p>

SALSAlys
 

Re: The Coward's Beginnings (Fic)

Unread postby SALSAlys » Sun Sep 01, 2002 11:35 pm

Tehe... Can't believe I didn't notice this at first. Amusement abounds. ^_^


Image

Edited by: [url=http://p068.ezboard.com/brpgww60462.showUserPublicProfile?gid=pdrydia>pd]&nbsp; Image at: 6/10/05 16:57


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