"Who am I?" - An intro fic in multiple chapters

[WillBaseton]

(Here's my first attempt at giving Will's backstory to the people of RPGWW...so just bear with me and hopefully we'll all survive! C&C is welcome, of course.)

Chapter 1-An Omen...

Matron's Diary, Date 13/67/17

Lady Valerie's third child was born today. Our Queen could not transform before the labor began, so she was forced to give birth in human form. To the court's surprise, this child was born LIVE...his green eyes seemed to burn into your soul...as if something in them was just watching...waiting...to be released. Sizreina immediately began to talk to the newborn, believing that he would grow up to be her partner-in-crime (oh, how cute a couple they are...). Lady Valerie named the child William Jonas Baseton, and explicitly stated that the child was to be trained in the arcane arts. Young Master Alexander was conspicuously absent at the birth, something that pained Lady Valerie greatly. The child had fire-red hair, unlike the commonly seen blue in the Ryuujin race. Perhaps Ladon has given us a sign...?

<End Excerpt>

The small boy stared up at his mother, smiling happily. Unable to speak at such a young age, he reached for the shining pendant that hung from his mother's neck. ...shiny...I want that pendant... The boy's thoughts centered on the gemmed amulet, and he basked in its power. He knew that the gems would protect him...he KNEW that they wouldn't let any harm come to him...

Edited by: [url=http://pub30.ezboard.com/uwillbaseton.showPublicProfile?language=EN>WillBaseton</A]&nbsp; at: 8/11/02 3:26:20 am

[Nekogami]

I like how it opens with a journal entry. That's a fairly original thing to do. You use nice description in some places too. Like the pendants sparkle.

The one thing that jumps out at me though: Why do the dragons have such.....undragon names?

First, I don't know where Will is from so I have to assume that he's from Igala at first glance, so you may want to have setting more described. It just seems: strange that the dragons have a very 'humanish'-a term used loosely- court, are in human form long enough that they have a child in it (or that they assume human from at all during pregnancy); strange that there names are humanly.

Also, if you want more realism, if the queen was mostly in dragon form then it would make sense that that then embryo would already be in an egg, maybe when she goes in human for the egg shrinks and/or has a soft shell, but I'd think for the sake of the child she'd not put it through so much trauma as to change. If she was in human form then the same applies only without the shell.

Feel free to write more, WIll. Origin fics tend to be very interesting.
<p>

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<center><table border = 1><tr><td><center>
"You're cruel." "I am?"
"Yes. You are." "I aaam?"
"Yes. You are." "....Well, what can you do? *sigh*" --Nadeisco</center>

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<center> 2 Sugoi!~~Mmm, Mechage RPGWW style!~~Live Journal</center></td></tr></table></center></p>

[WillBaseton]

Chapter 2-My Life, My Rules...

Matron's Diary: Date 13/21/21

This may be my last entry...I've been writing here since Lady Valerie was a hatchling, and my time grows short. However, I have no regrets. Young Master William has grown sufficiently in these past four years under my tutelage. He is already speaking quite well in both draconic and common. On another note, his wings grew in last month! The silver feathers seemed to radiate a slight amount of electricity. I think he may have found his element...
Sizreina has already taught him to be quite the prankster, however. They have an odd tendency to hide things in the oddest of places or to burn random objects. William's personality changes completely when he is studying, though. It seems that he has two sides...one that loves to cause mischief, and one that prefers a calmer life...I am proud of the two of them. Hopefully they will not rebel against their parents as Alexander has. Farewell, and may Ladon grant them peace...

<End Final Excerpt>

Will sat in his chair at the dinner table, watching his mother and father talk about politics. Dear Ladon, this is boring...I want to have some fun...
Almost instinctively, Sizreina, seated next to him, began to grin as she scooped up a spoonful of mashed potatoes and aimed the spoon at the butler. Hey bro, watch this!
As soon as she finished the message, she let the blob fly.

[pd Rydia]

"They have an odd tendency to hide things in the oddest of places or to burn random objects."

*cackles* >D Mwee hee hee! I love that quote!

You need to double the line breaks at some spots, and distinguish between internal thought and telepathy (I normally use 'single quotes' and italics for telepathy, and just italics for thought).

I like the second part of the first installment muchly. Swining pendants, shiny, wai! The tmie kinda jumps from first entry to second, but that's okay, if the next few entries kind of follow that pattern, methinks.

Nekogami makes a good suggestion -- you should indicate somewhere that this fic takes place on Draco, and not Gaera. You don't have to try to squeeze it in the first two placements, but you could fit it in elsewhere -- have people talking about Draco politics, or have someone exclaim "What on Draco?!"...something like that, or something else entirely.

Oh, and may I suggest Siz's next course of action to be running like hell? n_n I need to RP her more, yes I do. Mrrr... <p><font color=navy><hr width="47%"><small>Hello, my name is Dia. I'm a dragongirl, and I bite. RAWR!<hr width="31%">Quotes of the moment:
-=- "Love is when your brain stops working." -- White Knight
-=- "Love is when 72 billion monkeys steal a porsche and drive it off a cliff." -- SuperRube
-=- "LOVE IS WAI." -- me</font></p>

[Uncle Pervy]

Not too bad, Will.

I have to agree with Sis about the time issue. If the next few bits jump ahead a few months or years, no trouble. But if not, a few intermediate entries might help ease things along.

I found it odd that newborn Will knew what a pendant was. I would suggest he call it a shiny thing, rather than by what is is, lest ma told him what it was.

Overall, this could be interestin'. Keep truckin' along. ^^ <p><table align="center" cellpadding=2><tr><td></td><td align="center">Rum, White Magic, an' Cabbits.
That's th' life fer me.

Seig No-Pants!</td><td></tr></table></p>

[WillBaseton]

Chapter Two, Part Two: My World, My Rules...

Sizreina's mashed potato projectile sailed through the air, passing over the dinner table and splattering right on the shirt of a passing butler. Siz' first course of action, was of course, to run like hell. She knew her mother didn't stand for hyjinks at the dinner table, and she didn't want to spend another day in the library writing a research paper on Draconian politics in the year 6621 and how it influenced interdimensional relations. She lept from her chair and bolted for the door, not looking back. It was then when she heard her mother's voice pierce through the air.

"SIZREINA BASETON! You get back here THIS INSTANT and clean up Mr. Belvedere's tie! I swear, I've had it up to HERE with your antics! First you set Granny Samper's Chocobo on fire, then you and Will put gum in the organ! What are you thinking? You're a PRINCESS, for Ladon's sake! How are we going to keep our family's image clean if you keep burning it to the ground?"

Just before reaching the door, Sizreina felt her feet freeze in place, rendering her motionless. ...she got me again! She knew that this wasn't good. Her mother never used paralysis spells unless she was dead serious. Only one thing was certain: this wasn't going to end well...

[Uncle Pervy]

Tsk tsk, Sizreina ^^

One technical Error, hyjinks = hijinks.

Interesting how a Princess is to clean up the messes that she makes I like that in royalty. Especially royalty who goes around igniting ostriches -\/-

Can there be another servant named Old Maison? ^^



<p><table align="center" cellpadding=2><tr><td></td><td align="center">Rum, White Magic, an' Cabbits.
That's th' life fer me.

Seig No-Pants!</td><td></tr></table></p>

[WillBaseton]

Old Maison, eh? I take it you're a Xenogears fan. Good game, but let's not go off-topic. Siz gets in trouble often, and the main reason she has to clean stuff up is because she doesn't mind most other punishments. And I take it you can see how strong Valerie is, eh? However, this period of Will's life is drawing to a close...he will soon lose everything, mwa ha ha...

[pd Rydia]

Yer evil to your chars.

I'm not so sure it's in Sizreina to set a chocobo on fire...maybe by accident.

Anyway, fun installment. n_n Poor Siz. ;_; <p><font color=navy><hr width="47%"><small>Hello, my name is Dia. I'm a dragongirl, and I bite. RAWR!<hr width="31%">Quotes of the moment:
-=- "Love is when your brain stops working." -- White Knight
-=- "Love is when 72 billion monkeys steal a porsche and drive it off a cliff." -- SuperRube
-=- "Love is an intricate dance of lewd comments and biting." -- Lord McBastard</font></p>

[Dragon Sage007]

I have a feeling it was either the Chocobo equivelent of sticking matches under someone's shoes, or a fire-resistant chocobo. And I can't really say I feel sorry for Siz. Flinging Mashed potatoes at the butler? How rude! You need to fling ice cream at him, as that's a lot easier to clean up, and tasty too!

[pd Rydia]

Dude, mashed potatoes owns ice cream a million times over. >.> <p><font color=navy><hr width="47%"><small>Hello, my name is Dia. I'm a dragongirl, and I bite. RAWR!<hr width="31%">Quotes of the moment:
-=- "Love is when your brain stops working." -- White Knight
-=- "Love is when 72 billion monkeys steal a porsche and drive it off a cliff." -- SuperRube
-=- "Love is an intricate dance of lewd comments and biting." -- Lord McBastard</font></p>

[Dragon Sage007]

I point you over to the Bob And George comic for saying that Dia. Shame, shame. www.Bobandgeorge.com

[SALSAlys]

...But ice cream's nummier. o.o

And to be on topic...

MORE! PWEASE! MORE!!! *glomps Will and begs*

[Lord Shadow X4 EXE]

very good,not bad at all,I too like Xenogears,overall this is very good. <p>

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Damn,I forgot what i was going to put here,Well i guess i can put this here.I have a army of pant demons and they are going to eat you.</p>

[pd Rydia]

MORE. ={{{ OR I STABBER. <p><div style="text-align:center">

---

"On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me...an F.N.W.C.!"
-- VampireJesterJinx (VA by...Dia! :D!)</div></p>

[WillBaseton]

Chapter Two, Part Three: My World...

"SIZREINA YUO BASETON! You've gone too far this time. You're grounded. No more music spheres for the rest of the month!"

Valerie Baseton stood above Siz, staring down at her. The queen's shining blue hair had been slowly turning silver as she aged, although she still appeared to be only in her mid-thirties. An upright and powerful woman, she was the one that ran the Baseton family. Her amulet, called the Star of the White North, was supposedly found washed up on a beach in northern Prometheus shortly after Laetia fell to Terra after her battle with Astaroth. She would always tell her children it was a piece of the Great Goddess' sword, but even she had no idea what it was. It just appeared one day. However, even the mighty Queen of the White Dragons was not immune to the shining eyes of a child.

"But MOOOOOOMMMM..."

"Oh...all right...you can listen to music spheres..."

Siz had done it. She had finally perfected the ancient art...of the puppy-dog eyes. It had taken her YEARS to get it just right...but now, she was unstoppable! No adult could stand in her way...except, perhaps...Old Man Finnerty. Legend had it that Old Man Finnerty could stand up to ANY child, no matter how small, no matter how cute. Siz returned to her seat triumphantly, smiling from ear to ear.

"See that, bro? I did it! We're not in trouble!"

"Don't be so sure...just wait 'til Dad finds out you hit Mr. Belvedere with potatoes AGAIN. Remember last time? He almost fed you to the SNARLAN!"

Will shuddered at the thought of the Snarlan. This blood-spawned creature lurked in the darkness within Scalewood Forest. Even the elves feared it. Its claws could rend a full-grown red dragon in half without any trouble. Only once had it been seen outside of the forest, and it left a trail of destruction in its wake. Gain had told the two that the Snarlan was once a creature of light, but the Hatred Rune's power reached it, and corrupted it into the horrific blood-beast that terrorized the elves.

"And dad's excursion party hasn't returned from Scalewood...what happened in there..."

Will placed his tiny hand on his chin, deep in thought. Even at four, Will knew when something bad was about to happen. This was one of those times. <p>......</p>

[Uncle Pervy]

Hmmmm....

Not too bad.

I hope you have a good plot twist for the scalewood thing. It feels really really obvious, how Sizreina just mentions it. <p><div style="text-align:center"> </div></p>

[pd Rydia]

FINALLY! *glomps* Yay! ^_^ *hops around happily*

A few notes:

That second paragraph? Needs to be broken up into two paragraphs, I think.

I find this: "Legend had it that Old Man Finnerty could stand up to ANY child, no matter how small..." Terribly, TERRIBLY amusing.

"Siz returned to her seat triumphantly, smiling from ear to ear." That's be a perfect place to start a new paragraph, and put the next paragraph on the same line with it.

Aaaannnd...MOOORE! ^_^ This is amusing me. Sure, I'm biased, but hey! <p>

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<span style="font-size:xx-small;">
-=- "Got Dragonale?" -- Richard Storm (Nakibe)
-=- "Bah, my past was full of drinking and polymorph spells." -- Hakaril (Archmage144)
-=- "I REJECT YOUR PRESENCE!" -- CaptainPervy (UnclePervy)
-=- "What. In. The. @#%. Are. You. Two. Doing?" -- Hzar (Banjooie)</span></p>

[WillBaseton]

Well, you're right. However, Will was the one who spoke the last line. Let's just say his teachers don't like him to be a little kid. They want him to be a scholar. And more will be coming soon... <p>......</p>

[Animala]

Hmmm...there's a slight problem in this story, and it's actually a fairly common one: the way background information is revealed seems a little forced. For example, the description of the queen which also includes the historical background of her pendant. It seems like a bit of a non sequitir, and is a HUGE flag to the reader that THIS WILL BE IMPORTANT LATER.

Same thing with that monster in the forest. A drawn out description of it is unnecessary. All we have to know is that it lives in the forest and scares Siz and Will. The description of how impressive it is or how many villages it's razed can be saved for later, or not included at all.

Background information should be tossed in where it might logically fit. A good rule of thumb is that unless an observer would be wondering to himself about some bit of background information, it's probably not a good idea to insert it. Also, background information should never be inserted where it disrupts the flow of the scene.

Characterization, however, is excellent. And there are indeed several "laugh out loud" moments in this story. ^_^ Keep up the good work!

-White Knight




Edited by: [url=http://p068.ezboard.com/brpgww60462.showUserPublicProfile?gid=pdrydia>pd]&nbsp; at: 6/10/05 16:55