Oh no Dia is of ficcy trying?

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viator22
 

Re: mew...

Unread postby viator22 » Sat Jul 20, 2002 11:19 pm

Mama and Papa panicked a little when she described her "friends". To much information on them and they might figure out what the Drows motives are even if she can't. Papa might take offense at folks controlling his daughter, and a ticked dragon is not something one wants hanging over one's head.

Why did I write this again?

Wait, aren't I dead? *whump* <p>--------The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy says that drinking a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster "is like having your brain smashed out by a lemon wrapped around a large gold brick."</p>

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Endadelta
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Woo..

Unread postby Endadelta » Sun Jul 21, 2002 2:55 pm

*broke his own law by reading fanficcies*

I must say: very good. I'm not an expert critic or proofreader as Pervy seems t'be, but I like the flow of this story very much, jes.

Ah, poor Ellyn.. :P <p>-
Please do not bite the Moogle.</p>

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pd Rydia
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*ish a lazy fic writer*

Unread postby pd Rydia » Thu Jul 25, 2002 2:10 pm

I'm a lazy fic writer...so sue me. <.<;; I've kinda lost motivation for writing. >.>;; But anyway, this story is beginning to wrap up, so I guess I should just hurry up and finish it.

Hope no one's disappointed in this installment. Still more to come. *cough* I have the next part written up, but not typed, so extra comments might motivate me to type it up and post it later today, hint hint.

Hope y'all enjoy.


---

Ellyn woke with a jerk, realizing that she had fallen asleep and mentally berating herself. After laying still for just long enough to determine no sounds emitted from her parents' room, Ellyn carefully crawled out of bed. Shouldering her pack, she crept out of her bedroom, oh-so-carefully treaded down the hallway, and finally sneaked out the front door, casting one final glance at her home before slipping off in the faint moonlight.

---

As Ellyn climbed, she steadily calmed down, until her mind became curiously clear and quiet. Idly, she wondered why her friends were so silent right now. She would have to remember to ask.

The trip took just as long as it ever did. By the time Ellyn had reached the meeting ledge, the sun had already risen over the horizon, even if it choose to lurk behind a stray stormcloud. Maipin was already there, his hands in his pockets and his back leaned against a shadowy rock. He grinned at Ellyn as she ran over, uncharacteristically and awkwardly mussed her hair as she hugged him.

Ellyn glomped his leg and squeezed her eyes shut as tears of frustration and anger threatened to seep out. "My parents, they--" she began to explain.

"I know, we know..." Maipin replied. "It's okay. We'll help you." He smiled at her lopsidedly. "Your parents can't take you away from your friends," he said as he held out his hand invitingly.

The girl bit her lip and nodded, taking the offered hand before really thinking about what she was doing. It suddenly hit her like a wash of ice cold water. She was running away from home, running away from her parents -- certainly they were being unfair and cruel, but they were still...her family. She glanced behind her uncertainly, seeking out the small speck of her house...

And instead saw the fire.

"MOMMA! PAPA!" she yelled out, dropping Maipin's hand and running dangerously close to the edge of the mountain ledge. Maipin turned around quickly and scooped her up, perhaps preventing her from tumbling over the edge. Forgetting her previous endeavors to not let Maipin see her cry, Ellyn burst into tears. "Who would do that...why would anyone do that...Mister L'Holmet wouldn't...would he? Maipin...Maipin! My parents...!" Ellyn's voice subsided into hysterical sobbing. Maipin just held her as she cried, until she suddenly began struggling to break away. "I- I have to go see..."

Maipin pulled the girl back away from the edge. "You...can't. There's nothing we can do...they'll just hurt you, too..." he mumbled, voice low.

"But...but..." Ellyn suddenly shuddered, giving up on her struggles to turn around and hug Maipin tightly. "What can I do without my parents? Wi- without my family...."

Maipin sighed. "We'll...be your family now. We'll take care of you."

Ellyn gave no response. Before the sun creeped out from behind the clouds, Maipin scooped Ellyn up and began carrying her away. <p><hr width="47%"><small>Quotes of the moment:
-=- "Eat chicken, live forever...until you die, then you're screwed." -- Matt
-=- "*Dilute them bloodlines! Make Hitler roll in his grave!*" -- Uncle Pervy
-=- "Inorafeeb eedrayob fehc tae dna ekawa llahs slived." -- Bloodhound Gang
-=- "I exist to celebrate the onion." -- 'Pepito,' (mis)translation of Pablo Neruda's «Oda a la cebolla».</p>

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Re: *ish a lazy fic writer*

Unread postby Squintz Altec » Thu Jul 25, 2002 6:02 pm

Weee for evil drow! ^_^

I liked this installment. >_> And if you need any...'motivation...' just ask. ^_^


Uncle Pervy
 

Re: *ish a lazier fic writer, yo*

Unread postby Uncle Pervy » Thu Jul 25, 2002 7:31 pm

A nice piece.

I have a suggestion for the final version. It seem that Ellyn has the whole running away thing hit her rather suddenly. Perhaps you might consider her being intially angry as she charges into the woods, then realize she leaving home, then realize she also leaving her family before she gets to the Drow.

Now, I am curious to see the origins of this fire. Image <p><table align="center" cellpadding=2><tr><td>Image</td><td align="center">Rum, White Magic, an' Cabbits.
That's th' life fer me.

Seig No-Pants!</td><td>Image</tr></table></p>

viator22
 

Re: *ish a lazier fic writer, yo*

Unread postby viator22 » Thu Jul 25, 2002 11:51 pm

gotta be the Drow. I'm quit probably wrong but the village seem to contain alot of humans and angry farmers vs pair of shadow dragons usually doesn't turn out to well for the farmers. They could put torch to the house before getting killed but not last long after that. Unless of course they hired some mercenarys. Or the town's full of other dragons.

*Goes of to ponder* <p>--------The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy says that drinking a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster "is like having your brain smashed out by a lemon wrapped around a large gold brick."</p>

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pd Rydia
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Re: *ish a lazier fic writer, yo*

Unread postby pd Rydia » Fri Jul 26, 2002 12:06 am

Actually, everyone in Fatier is a dragon. ^_^;; <p><hr width="47%"><small>Quotes of the moment:
-=- "Eat chicken, live forever...until you die, then you're screwed." -- Matt
-=- "*Dilute them bloodlines! Make Hitler roll in his grave!*" -- Uncle Pervy
-=- "Inorafeeb eedrayob fehc tae dna ekawa llahs slived." -- Bloodhound Gang
-=- "I exist to celebrate the onion." -- 'Pepito,' (mis)translation of Pablo Neruda's «Oda a la cebolla».</p>

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pd Rydia
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Re: *ish a lazier fic writer, yo*

Unread postby pd Rydia » Sat Aug 03, 2002 4:30 pm

*bump*

I'm going to write more on this...really... <p><font color=navy><hr width="47%"><small>Hello, my name is Dia. I'm a dragongirl, and I bite. RAWR!<hr width="31%">Quotes of the moment:
-=- "Love is when your brain stops working." -- White Knight
-=- "Love is when 72 billion monkeys steal a porsche and drive it off a cliff." -- SuperRube
-=- "LOVE IS WAI." -- me</font></p>

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OHNO!

Unread postby Nick Shogun » Sat Aug 03, 2002 5:04 pm

OH! Are they dead! That's so sad!

I just spent all morning reading this. How cool! But sad...

*cry*

WRITE MORE.


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pd Rydia
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Re: OHNO!

Unread postby pd Rydia » Sat Aug 03, 2002 6:21 pm

Thanks, Nick, you gave me the motivation I needed to get started on this again...

As for her family, I'll explain about that...somehow, sometime. Not sure how to fit it into the story, so I might just fit it into an RP somehow. Depends, I guess.

Anyawy, there should only be a few more installments after this. Three planned, but depending on how it goes as I write, maybe more. Which means I can go back and spiffy up this story, using your all's suggestions an' stuff. ^_^ Woot.

This is the first installment I didn't go back and read over what I wrote, so it might not be as coherent or flow as well as my last installments. I just felt like I needed to get off my butt and finally write it, even if it isn't so perfect.

So here we go...


---

Days progressed into weeks, weeks passed into months, months faded into seasons, and seasons turned into years. Ellyn's new family, true to their word, did indeed take care of her; they raised her, fed her, and educated her.

At first, all her friends asked in return was that she study hard and learn well, and so she did. Ellyn excelled in her lessons, showing particular talent for illusion, malediction, and mental magics. In time, however, Ellyn began to more actively work for her keep -- she began running errands and doing chores for her family. Slowly, she learned that they didn't take well to questions, so she eventually stopped asking them.

Because of these circumstances and Ellyn's complete and utter trust, it took her several, several years to realize that her "friends" were just using her.

'We need to destroy Melimn,' Ruel privately telepathed Maipin. Let the dragon do it.

Ellyn fumed. Their one mistake was teaching her mental magic so well. If it hadn't been for that, and their refusing to answer questions, and her inherent curiousity...she never would have started listening in on the drows' private conversations. She wouldn't have overhead that which they so desperately tried to hide.

'It migth be tricky to convince her to do that...' Maipin replied.

'We've convinced her a trickier things.' Ruel's short, mental laugh was full of derisive mocking. He was mocking her.

Mocking her.


Ellyn growled faintly, shutting her eyes tightly in barely controlled rage. A toy. A tool. All this time, she had just been used. She shuddered to think of what some of the things she might have done by innocently carrying out Decia's "chores"...but it wasn't her fault she didn't know better. It was all the drows' fault...the way they manipulated her...the way they used her...and the way they laughed at her behind her back... Ellyn began to shake with fury.

Suddenly, she laughed once, and then began chuckling uncontrollably. They may have raised and trained her to be a powerful, destructive toy...no, they did...but that itself would be their own undoing. Because they trained her too well. They trained her too well!

There were no more voices in her head, only her own, because she had learned how to block out the drows' voices. It'd caused alarm at the time but she was no trouble so they feared no danger, the foolish, foolish bastards. She was no danger because she was a child and under control, but now was different. Now she was a danger, because she was a woman under her own control. She was a danger but they didn't know. They still thought she was controllable, they still thought she was their obedient toy...they still thought...

I AM NOT A TOY! Snarling, Ellyn gathered her hate and anger into a sphere of crackling black energy in her hand. She flinged it at the wall of her lair, watching rock shatter, little chunks flying everywhere. A shard embedded itself in her cheek, causing dark, deep green blood to trickle down her face. She growled and rubbed at the cut, smearing blood across her hand and face.

"Are you quite alright?" Decia's voice came from the doorway, full of sickeningly false concern. Ellyn had once been hypnotized, had once been fooled by that voice...but no longer. It was a voice full of grating, insidious deception.

"I'm...fine...I'm...just thinking about....my old neighbors. And what they did to my family...they angered me so..." Ellyn began to shake again. She was angry...she wanted to crush that fake concern off of Decia's face. All she wanted to do was that...

"Okay," Decia replied, smiling in what used to be a comforting manner. The woman turned away from Ellyn and walked down the hall.

'Ruel,' Ellyn heard her telepath. 'We need to talk about Ellyn...'

The dragon's eyes flew wide open. Did they already know? Had they found out? It wasn't safe here for her anymore, Ellyn mused darkly, and that cinched it. She needed to get away from here. She needed run away. Just like the last time she ran away...

Her entire frame was wracked by a full body shudder, before Ellyn crumpled to the floor and began sobbing. <p><font color=navy><hr width="47%"><small>Hello, my name is Dia. I'm a dragongirl, and I bite. RAWR!<hr width="31%">Quotes of the moment:
-=- "Love is when your brain stops working." -- White Knight
-=- "Love is when 72 billion monkeys steal a porsche and drive it off a cliff." -- SuperRube
-=- "LOVE IS WAI." -- me</font></p>

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Nick Shogun
 
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AGGH!! NO!

Unread postby Nick Shogun » Sun Aug 04, 2002 2:57 am

Gawd! I knew it! You don't just meet a bunch of mysterious people in your head and then have them be nice!

Maipin was the one that unnerved me. So this is how it is now? What will the young dragon-maiden do?! Damn! And she was already so hurt from her parents' deaths! Geez!

I must say, I am really excited. I can picture all this dragon stuff, even though it's confusing me, but I wanna see her bust out a can of whoopass on her so-called 'friends.' I am also interested to learn how these people learned of her and why they needed her so badly.


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pd Rydia
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o.o

Unread postby pd Rydia » Sun Aug 04, 2002 1:57 pm

*happy her story is eliciting so many questions and interest* ^-^ Wheeee...

Well, more will keep coming, though I'm not quite as wombatty about writing to it like I used to be. But whenever the chat gets really slow next time, and I'm caught up on the board, I'll probably go and write the next segment, for y'all.

^_^ Thanks for the comments. Comments = good. Especially positive comments, which help me keep writing, and criticisms, which will help me improve my writing skill. (But yeah, especially the positive comments. >;P) <p><font color=navy><hr width="47%"><small>Hello, my name is Dia. I'm a dragongirl, and I bite. RAWR!<hr width="31%">Quotes of the moment:
-=- "Love is when your brain stops working." -- White Knight
-=- "Love is when 72 billion monkeys steal a porsche and drive it off a cliff." -- SuperRube
-=- "LOVE IS WAI." -- me</font></p>

Choark
 

Re: o.o

Unread postby Choark » Sun Aug 04, 2002 3:41 pm

If you need positive comments then fine! WOO!

I just read all this now and as i said to you.. WOOO!!!

Poor Ellyn! >> She thinks she's free, but she's not! *is how he reads it*

I can't help feel she'll convince herself she's free while she's still under there control...

;_; *sniff*

Someone save Her! Or Be strong Ellyn! See through there elvin trickery!

Either way... I am looking forward to more!

o.o I shall wait like this. . . <p><table border="2" cellspacing="2" cellpadding="2"> <tr> <td>Image</td> <td> Number One Spaz!</td> <td>Image</td> </tr> </table> </p>

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pd Rydia
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^__^

Unread postby pd Rydia » Sun Aug 04, 2002 4:39 pm

Thankies muchly for the encouragement. ^_^ It is greatly appreciated. The story is almost done!

This particular segment of the story isn't quite yet done. I'll try to finish it later today.


---

Ellyn waited for dawn.

The irony of the situation set her nerves on edge. So many years ago, she'd been waiting with bated breath for the night to fall -- now she was desperate for the sun to rise. Daylight would be the best time, after all, to sneak away from the drow. They never did like the sunlight.

Waiting now was no more easier than it had been so many years ago. Was it dawn out yet? She nervously paced around to pass the time. How much longer should she wait?

Too much!

It was too much for her to handle, she couldn't wait any longer. She was going to go now.

She peered outside of the small cavern that passed for her room, trying to discern if anyone was moving around; it didn't seem so. Ellyn could sense no movement in the almost palpable darkness, and so she carefully slipped out of her lair.

She was now standing in a winding tunnel that led to the exit of the caverns that had been her home for the last several, several years. The tunnel also connected to other caves, in which Decia and Maipin lived and watched over her, and where Ruel stayed during his occassional visits. With a small, steadying, hissing breath, she began to creep cautiously along the twisting corridor.

She couldn't afford to be caught. No, no...she had to be very, very careful. She wanted to leave without the others noticing. She needed to escape without their interference. She was going to sneak away before they knew what was happening.

No mistakes...no mistakes... Ellyn repeated the phrase in her mind. She worked her way toward the exit slowly, placing one foot in front of the other carefully, alert for any noises or movement.

Nothing met her senses, and steadily, she kept moving along toward her goal. Her heart raced faster and faster the closer she got, until her blood was pounding in her ears so loudly as to drown out any other possible noises. In front of her was the the exit from her imprisonment, the entrance to the wide, free, open world. A few steps away was her freedom, a blurry patch of early morning grey framed by the darkness of cold stone.

Then, suddenly, a patch of the darkness framing the door moved. Maipin raised his head from his spot leaning against the mouth of the exit, blinking at Ellyn with brightly aware, red-orange eyes. <p><font color=navy><hr width="47%"><small>Hello, my name is Dia. I'm a dragongirl, and I bite. RAWR!<hr width="31%">Quotes of the moment:
-=- "Love is when your brain stops working." -- White Knight
-=- "Love is when 72 billion monkeys steal a porsche and drive it off a cliff." -- SuperRube
-=- "LOVE IS WAI." -- me</font></p>

Choark
 

Re: ^__^

Unread postby Choark » Sun Aug 04, 2002 4:56 pm

O.o Suspence!!

>> AAARRGGH! You stopped it there on purpose yo!

*will be wondering what happens next all night now*

And now I suspious of everything O.o I'm not to sure whats real and whats not anymore <_> all those italic thoughts and feelings.

Is someone else controlling her... were they using the Drow themselves!? Maybe an unseen force is at work.. <_> Or not!

Maybe one of the drows have turned traitor and planning to use her to kill the others <_> Or maybe not, maybe she is free and I'm just being overily suspious . . .

@_@ Super fun Confusion Story : D Can't wait until next fun fun time!


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Nick Shogun
 
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But Maipin's name is soooo cute!!!

Unread postby Nick Shogun » Sun Aug 04, 2002 6:00 pm

Geez! What evilness, stopping at the most critical of critical moments! What's wrong with you?!

I need more! Like cocaine, I need more and I'm willing to steal for it!

DAMN YOOOOOOO!!!!

Please write more.

-Nick


Uncle Pervy
 

Re: OHNO!

Unread postby Uncle Pervy » Sun Aug 04, 2002 6:40 pm

Sis! Slow down! It's getting hard to keep up! x_X

Okay, I got not one but two parts to look at. If you don't mind, I'm not going to do a lot of technical reviewing, you you have proven more than talented at rooting them out on your own. If you want that, though, AIM me and I'll happily provide.

First part: This feels a little Rushed, I'm afraid. I want to know more about how Ellyn lived among the Drow. What did she do? How was life different? Are they alone or in a Drow city? Where are they? What is new to her life? what did she have to leave behind?

And give a few of this errands and favors she ran for them.

I like how she feels betrayed by them, and how the voices help move her along Image

Part 2: Lovely and suspenseful. Some more info on her home in the previous bit would help out here, methinks.

And I see you have done well to learn the technique of leaving them wanting more, sis. Suspenseful indeed. Image

*Huggles his talenter writer Sis*

<p><table align="center" cellpadding=2><tr><td>Image</td><td align="center">Rum, White Magic, an' Cabbits.
That's th' life fer me.

Seig No-Pants!</td><td>Image</tr></table></p>

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Nick Shogun
 
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??@/

Unread postby Nick Shogun » Sun Aug 04, 2002 7:24 pm

Wait one second! Pervy and Rydia are related?! Brother and Sister!?!

o.o

Or was that just a term of devoted friendship?


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pd Rydia
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Re: ??@/

Unread postby pd Rydia » Sun Aug 04, 2002 7:32 pm

Bro's my adopted bro, as of a few days ago (or has it been weeks already? *forgets*).

Just like Nekogami is my adopted sis, too. ^_~ <p><font color=navy><hr width="47%"><small>Hello, my name is Dia. I'm a dragongirl, and I bite. RAWR!<hr width="31%">Quotes of the moment:
-=- "Love is when your brain stops working." -- White Knight
-=- "Love is when 72 billion monkeys steal a porsche and drive it off a cliff." -- SuperRube
-=- "LOVE IS WAI." -- me</font></p>

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pd Rydia
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(more...)

Unread postby pd Rydia » Sun Aug 04, 2002 10:25 pm

"Where are you going?" Maipin asked nonchalantly, acting as if nothing in the world was wrong. Ellyn barely heard him as the blood roared in her ears. How ridiculous of him...he couldn't pretend not to know...she could see the mocking in his eyes...

He stood up straighter, glancing at Ellyn with cold curiousity. "Ellyn...wh--"

Maipin's mask of polite inquiry faded into horror for the instant before the shadowball seared the flesh from his face; he didn't even have a chance to scream. Ellyn stared in fascination as Maipin's body stood upright for a split second, the exposed bone of his skull blackened and melted into a twisted expression of terrible agony. Minutes seemed to pass before the body slowly slumped forward, landing in a crumpled heap at Ellyn's feet.

The dragon stood rooted to her spot in shock. Despite the horror of Maipin's death, she felt a sweetly sick sense of of twisted triumph at what she'd just done. The feeling swelled until she couldn't help herself, the bubbling laughter pouring out of her mouth.

She laughed. She laughed with mirth at the sudden and unexpected agony of Maipin's death, she laughed at the shock, pain, and terror he must have experienced. She laughed in triumph at her final, blessed revenge. She laughed gleefully at the pain she'd inflicted, suddenly wishing she could have prolonged it. She should have prolonged it. After all, she'd suffered for years because of Maipin, and the others. His death was rewarding...but it wasn't enough.

"Ellyn! What happened?" Decia stood in the mouth of the tunnel, eyes wide. She saw Maipin's prone body, and glanced at Ellyn's expression...and the air around her shimmered slightly.

Ellyn grinned brightly at Decia, a sadistic glint shining in her eyes. "Hello!" she greeted cheerfully, beginning to laugh again. "How are you today?"

Decia visibly swallowed. "Ellyn, dear...what are you...what happened to Maipin...?" Her faded red eyes practically begged Ellyn to contradict the fears lurking in the drow woman's mind.

A sudden sneer broke the rythym of Ellyn's laughter, her face darkening and dashing any of Decia's hopes. Her expression turned murderous, her voice hateful. "He's dead, Decia, but you knew that. I killed him, but you knew that, too. I'm going to kill you, also. And...you know that...!"

Immediately, Ellyn formed another shadowball and threw it at Decia's face. The spell crackled as it hit a magical barrier around the drow, the energy of the shadowball dispersing as the barrier briefly flashed bright blue with strain. The power and rage behind Ellyn's spell was almost too much for the barrier to hold.

"Ellyn, stop this!" Decia's voice begged quietly from some far, distant location.

She batted away the voice as she focused on the furious flames of hatred within her heart. A little bit of the right concentration, and she was able to fan her rage into a roaring furnace of concentrated malevolence -- a source of raw, wrathful power. Her eyes snapped open widely as she stared at Decia in cold hate, focusing all the power in her possession to cast her spell...

And the barrier around Decia flared a brilliant cerulean color, holding against Ellyn's spell for only a half instant, before shattering completely. Decia shrieked as navy fire enveloped her body, trapping her within flames which ate at her body and soul. Ellyn simply watched curiously, enchanted by the beauty of the dark blue flames, and enraptured by the musical quality of Decia's horrible screams. She really did have a beautiful voice, after all. Decia stared in horror at Ellyn, mouth opening to scream the last word she would ever speak...

"ELLYN!!!"

"No...no..." Ellyn shook her head. There was something wrong about Decia's last word being her name. It was wrong. She didn't like it. It should have been something else. No. No. NO!

Ellyn turned from Decia's screams of agony. She turned and ran from the caverns. She fled away from the cold, oppressive, darkened stone, and into the cool, welcoming forest.

The sun was just beginning to rise over the horizon. <p><font color=navy><hr width="47%"><small>Hello, my name is Dia. I'm a dragongirl, and I bite. RAWR!<hr width="31%">Quotes of the moment:
-=- "Love is when your brain stops working." -- White Knight
-=- "Love is when 72 billion monkeys steal a porsche and drive it off a cliff." -- SuperRube
-=- "LOVE IS WAI." -- me</font></p>Edited by: [url=http://pub30.ezboard.com/updrydia.showPublicProfile?language=EN>pd]&nbsp; Image at: 8/14/02 8:39:04 pm

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Re: (more...)

Unread postby Squintz Altec » Mon Aug 05, 2002 12:42 am

Ellyn is scaring me...

Is this the end? o.o


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Re: (more...)

Unread postby pd Rydia » Mon Aug 05, 2002 1:16 am

not quite yet...

still finishing this segment and have two more planned. The last two might be put into one, though. <p><font color=navy><hr width="47%"><small>Hello, my name is Dia. I'm a dragongirl, and I bite. RAWR!<hr width="31%">Quotes of the moment:
-=- "Love is when your brain stops working." -- White Knight
-=- "Love is when 72 billion monkeys steal a porsche and drive it off a cliff." -- SuperRube
-=- "LOVE IS WAI." -- me</font></p>

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Re: (more...)

Unread postby Kelne » Mon Aug 05, 2002 1:43 am

Wheels within wheels...

*eagerly awaits more* <p>If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
The Evil Overlord List, #93
Image</p>

Uncle Pervy
 

Re: (more...)

Unread postby Uncle Pervy » Mon Aug 05, 2002 3:06 am

Hmmm. This last bit has made me wonder a few thinks

-Why did they need a draconic assassin?

-How did they single out Ellyn? Did they just pick her at random, or was there a reason?

-When did they first contact her?

An interesting bit. The italics seem bit wierd in placement anymore. You seem to be emphasizing things, rather than suggesting foreign thoughts.

Maybe you are, though. ^^ Anyway, Payback's a bitch. Image <p><table align="center" cellpadding=2><tr><td>Image</td><td align="center">Rum, White Magic, an' Cabbits.
That's th' life fer me.

Seig No-Pants!</td><td>Image</tr></table></p>

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Nick Shogun
 
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*waits*

Unread postby Nick Shogun » Tue Aug 06, 2002 4:00 pm

I'm the impatient type. I WANT MORE! I'M ADDICTED TO YOUR LOVE!! ELELEYAAANN!!!!

...or something.


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Re: *waits*

Unread postby Squintz Altec » Fri Aug 09, 2002 11:26 am

*lightly pokes Dia*

Come on, you're so close to finishing it, you can do it! Besides, I rather like this fic. ^_^


viator22
 

Re: *waits*

Unread postby viator22 » Fri Aug 09, 2002 2:18 pm

0_0 Wow. Ellian burned things. It's like Firestarter or something. The italics placement is different than what I'm used to, more elongated. And that last scream...

A Dragon would be a very useful assassin, though in a less sneaky brute force kind of way. It could be used against "hardened" (for lack of a better word) targets. The kind that have five elite guards around when they sleep and fifteen when they wake up. And as a courier you can't beet a lone Dragon's ability to fend off any small assault and still move unnoticed. <p>--------"If you wreck us or fling us into the sun, you will be more unhappy than I, since it is my destiny to die in space"- Henry Belt (kudos if you know the story)</p>

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Nick Shogun
 
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Indeed.

Unread postby Nick Shogun » Mon Aug 12, 2002 11:36 pm

*punt*


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pd Rydia
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Re: Indeed.

Unread postby pd Rydia » Tue Aug 13, 2002 10:53 am

*punted* >_<; Sorry. There's beens ome @#%$ going down in my life, which is why I've been slow on this. I'll get to it...as soon as I can get up the energy to start taking care of my RP again. ._. <p><font color=navy><hr width="47%"><small>Hello, my name is Dia. I'm a dragongirl, and I bite. RAWR!<hr width="31%">Quotes of the moment:
-=- "Love is when your brain stops working." -- White Knight
-=- "Love is when 72 billion monkeys steal a porsche and drive it off a cliff." -- SuperRube
-=- "Love is an intricate dance of lewd comments and biting." -- Lord McBastard</font></p>

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Nick Shogun
 
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Indeed.

Unread postby Nick Shogun » Tue Aug 13, 2002 10:56 pm

*continues waiting*


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pd Rydia
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<--- lazy

Unread postby pd Rydia » Wed Aug 14, 2002 5:14 pm

[yes...more coming...this segment isn't completely done...]

---

The sun was just beginning to rise over the horizon. Light filtered through the forest's canopy, dimmed and tinted green from the leaves, lighting her path. The farther along she moved, the lighter her path became. The light almost hurt her eyes.

At first, she ran, but she eventually she had to stop. Gasping for air, Ellyn stopped to catch her breath, before forcing herself to resume walking, ignoring the fire in her lungs and legs.

She wasn't sure in what direction she was headed, she just knew she was headed away from those caverns. She forced her aching legs to keep carrying her away. Even after darkness fell in the forest, she kept walking, until, eventually, she collapsed. Ellyn had just enough energy to pull herself up against a hedge before she curled into a little ball and finally succumbed to sleep.

---

An indeterminant amount of time later, she jerked awake, eyes flying open wide. She had no idea what had woken her up...she had a faint, haunting feeling that some terrible spectre had chased her away from her dreams. It have chased her...it was hunting her...she shuddered and drew herself into a tigher ball, ignoring the complaints of her overworked muscles.

All her senses seemed to be alive and oversensitive. Crickets chirping and other owls hooting crashed against her ears, the smell of damp leaves assaulted her nose. She shifted slightly, but couldn't get comfortable...the feeling of the forest floor under her body and leaves brushing against the back of her neck suddenly made her choice of a resting spot an insufferably uncomfortable place. The coldness of the air made her skin prickle and crawl, and stabbed at her heart from the bottom of her lungs as she breathed it in. She snarled lightly and scrubbed frantically at her skin and face, trying to chase away the unnerving feelings.

She was so busy doing this that she almost didn't notice as the forest quieted. A slight snap as a twig broke in half made her jump up and whirl around, searching furiously for the source of the noise.

Ellyn growled. She couldn't see him, but she knew he was there.

"Come out, Ruel!" she spat. "Don't think I don't know you're there..." she added, suppressing a giggle.

It would be fun to watch him burn like the other two. <p><font color=navy><hr width="47%"><small>Hello, my name is Dia. I'm a dragongirl, and I bite. RAWR!<hr width="31%">Quotes of the moment:
-=- "Love is when your brain stops working." -- White Knight
-=- "Love is when 72 billion monkeys steal a porsche and drive it off a cliff." -- SuperRube
-=- "Love is an intricate dance of lewd comments and biting." -- Lord McBastard</font></p>

Uncle Pervy
 

Re: <--- lazy

Unread postby Uncle Pervy » Wed Aug 14, 2002 7:44 pm

Cue Kefka's theme!

I would consider rewording the oversensitive line. But... I dunno a good way to do it ^^;;;

Anyway, Interesting piece. Shall we be getting more Hot Buttered Vengeance, or simply collateral Damage in the future?

Vee shall zee, eh? <p><table align="center" cellpadding=2><tr><td>Image</td><td align="center">Rum, White Magic, an' Cabbits.
That's th' life fer me.

Seig No-Pants!</td><td>Image</tr></table></p>

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Re: Oh no Dia is of ficcy trying?

Unread postby pd Rydia » Sat Aug 17, 2002 4:00 pm

[This is almost it...there will be an epiloguish type deal comin'. Sorry about the quality of this installment, but writing fights doesn't come easily to me. ^_^;;]

It would be fun to watch him burn like the other two.

"I'm right here," Ruel's voice responded from Ellyn's right. She spun around to face him. He hadn't been there before...he was playing tricks already. He was always playing tricks.

It didn't surprise her, then, when her spell fizzled away to nothing around a magical barrier surrounding the drow.

Ruel's lip curled up in a faint sneer, and he opened his mouth to begin an offensive spell of his own. However, he didn't quite have the time to utter his incantation -- Ellyn was quicker than he was, and she had already formed an icy javelin, which was zipping through the air towards Ruel's head. As her ice spell crashed against his barrier, he had to drop the offense and concentrate on maintaining his barrier.

Ellyn knew no defensive spells, but she laughed as she remembered being told that the best defense was always a good offense. She hurled spell after spell at Ruel, laughing as the effort made her light-headed.

Ruel's voice came faintly, as if he were miles away. His voice was calm, as if he were completely unconcerned with Ellyn's spells, despite the fact he was obviously struggling with his single defensive spell. "You can't keep casting those spells forever," he uttered, looking Ellyn straight in the eye.

The dragon snarled in response. "You can't keep that barrier up...forever..."

"Ellyn, Ellyn..." a speck of concern creeped into Ruel's tone. "A truce...let's discuss this calmly...a partnership would benefit the both of us greatly...don't you agree?"

Ellyn briefly halted in her assault, the concern in Ruel's voice throwing her off. Decia's last scream echoed around in her head, distracting her from her surroundings, accusing her...but Decia couldn't have cared about her...that wasn't possible. And Ruel himself couldn't possibly...

She snapped to just as she felt a wave of magic wash over her body. Ruel stood looking pleased with himself, and he was now standing with his hands spread in a mockingly non-combative manner. "Now," he said in a confident tone, walking towards Ellyn. "Let's talk..."

"NO!" Ellyn shrieked. She might have agreed to a truce...but Ruel had broken it...with some spell. Ruel looked utterly surprised as a blast of crackling shadow energy caught him in the chest and threw him backwards. He landed painfully on his back, and scrambled to his feet, just barely dodging out of the way of a second spell.

"Ellyn!" he snapped. "ELLYN! Listen to me! You NEED me! You need me to get rid of tha--"

A shard of ice catching his side shut him up quickly, but Ellyn wasn't really listening to him anyway. The blood roared in her ears, and her voices --HER voices, HER mind-- were now in complete control. Her veins raced with bloodlust, and her mind demanded Ruel's death. She must kill him. She had to kill him. He was a trespasser and he had to die...

She kept flinging spells at him, snarling as they missed or were blocked, crowing in triumph as each successful spell hit home. A small part of her mind screamed at her to stop, telling her that she was going to collapse from the drain soon...but she ignored that part entirely. She would rest -- right after she put Ruel to his final rest.

Ruel himself didn't seem so keen on dying. Burnt, bleeding, and broken, the drow finally managed to yell out a spell in between Ellyn's attacks...and just as she watched him turn around to flee, he successfully disappeared from sight.

"NO!" Ellyn screamed. She began throwing spells all around, blasting the area where she'd seen Ruel last. As her spells disappated, connecting with nothing, she began spinning around in place, throwing spells in every direction around her. Her mind railed at her, berating her for letting her prey escape. She again ignored the small, quiet part of her mind that was telling her he was gone, and she needed to rest...her target wasn't dead, and so Ellyn kept tossing spells, hoping one might hit.

She continued casting and casting, until she couldn't cast any more. Her body unable to take any more punishment, Ellyn finally collapsed to the ground. <p><font color=navy><hr width="47%"><small>Hello, my name is Dia. I'm a dragongirl, and I bite. RAWR!<hr width="31%">Quotes of the moment:
-=- "Love is when your brain stops working." -- White Knight
-=- "Love is when 72 billion monkeys steal a porsche and drive it off a cliff." -- SuperRube
-=- "Love is an intricate dance of lewd comments and biting." -- Lord McBastard</font></p>Edited by: [url=http://pub30.ezboard.com/updrydia.showPublicProfile?language=EN>pd]&nbsp; Image at: 8/17/02 8:02:11 pm

Uncle Pervy
 

Re: Oh no Dia is of ficcy trying?

Unread postby Uncle Pervy » Sat Aug 17, 2002 5:51 pm

1. However, he didn't quite have the time to utter his incantation -- Ellyn was quicker than he was, and she had already formed an icy javelin, which was zipping through the air towards Ruel's head.

I would say "she had already formed an icy javalin and sent it flying towardn Ruel's Head" That sounds a lot more active and immediate.

2. Ruel stood looking pleased with himself, and he was now standing with his hands spread in a mockingly non-combative manner

Noncombative strikes me as a odd choice of words. Perhaps Mockingly Friendly or councilitory (Sp)?

3. She kept flinging spells at him, snarling as they missed or were blocked, crowing in triumph as each successful spell hit home

Crowing, another odd choice of words. But then, I always use it in a mocking sense. I would suggest Shrieking, Wailing, crying out, ect.

4. ..and just as she watched him turn around to flee, he successfully disappeared from sight.

Successfully is a bit redundant.

Also, toward the end, you use the word Mind a lot. Some Synonyms would help there. I like thoughts, meself.


Poor Ellyn, No Sweet sweet revenge for her ;_;.

I want to see Ruel make a comback ^^ I love how he guilted her; that's something Pervy would do.
<p><table align="center" cellpadding=2><tr><td>Image</td><td align="center">Rum, White Magic, an' Cabbits.
That's th' life fer me.

Seig No-Pants!</td><td>Image</tr></table></p>

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Re: Oh no Dia is of ficcy trying?

Unread postby pd Rydia » Sat Aug 17, 2002 6:00 pm

*sighs* Just a couple more things to write...the hard part (combat) of the fic is over, I just need to do...and epiloguish type deal. Explain the spell cast on her, and [*spoiler*].

Thanks for the continued commentary, bro. I'm glad someone's still reading this thing. >.>;; I can actually see myself finishing it sometime. ^_^; <p><font color=navy><hr width="47%"><small>Hello, my name is Dia. I'm a dragongirl, and I bite. RAWR!<hr width="31%">Quotes of the moment:
-=- "Love is when your brain stops working." -- White Knight
-=- "Love is when 72 billion monkeys steal a porsche and drive it off a cliff." -- SuperRube
-=- "Love is an intricate dance of lewd comments and biting." -- Lord McBastard</font></p>

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Indeed.

Unread postby Nick Shogun » Sun Aug 18, 2002 11:43 pm

How the hell?! I didn't realize I missed two installments! Anyway, it's looking good, Ruel sucks, and Pervy covered about all your errors. All I can say is 'lay off the italics. it's making me dizzy.'


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Re: Indeed.

Unread postby pd Rydia » Sun Aug 18, 2002 11:49 pm

The italics are kinda essential for the story. >.>;; IN the beginning, they are to indicate where there were foreign thoughts, and gradually that shifts to where they're an indication of her own tenuous grip on sanity.

Or, rather, they're supposed to be. v.v;; I didn't quite get that right, but it's not an easy feat, either. <p><font color=navy><hr width="47%"><small>Hello, my name is Dia. I'm a dragongirl, and I bite. RAWR!<hr width="31%">Quotes of the moment:
-=- "Love is when your brain stops working." -- White Knight
-=- "Love is when 72 billion monkeys steal a porsche and drive it off a cliff." -- SuperRube
-=- "Love is an intricate dance of lewd comments and biting." -- Lord McBastard</font></p>

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...!?

Unread postby Nick Shogun » Sun Aug 18, 2002 11:56 pm

I thought italics represented stressed words.


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>_< must...finish...

Unread postby pd Rydia » Mon Aug 19, 2002 10:56 pm

[Erm, yes, but as you can see, the italics in this piece isn't traditional. I do know how to use italics in the conventional sense...I'm just trying for something different here. I haven't quite got it right, but maybe I can fix it when I go through it again.

Either way, if the italics make it read strangely, that's good...Ellyn's way of thinking is strange, and I'm trying to convey that. She's not quite all with it.

Anyhow...here goes my attempt to finish the fic. It's rushed, and it shows! :D But I just want to FINISH it before classes start Wed. >.< Before you get all disappointed about the quality of this last instsallment, keep in mind that I AM going to go back and do a second draft of the ENTIRE story.]


---

For the next several days, Ellyn traveled as far as she could, away from that place. The moss on the trees told her she was headed mostly north. She couldn't use the sun to figure out in which direction she was headed, because she stayed within the deeper forest; the sunlight hurt her eyes, while the darkness and the cover of the trees comforted her. Ellyn didn't really have a specific destination in mind to reach...she just knew she wanted to travel away.

She was very hungry. She scoured the local flora for edibles, scraping together just enough to barely survive; however, she was still hungry. Her stomach growled and churned, as if it were trying to eat itself. Finally, Ellyn decided to try to hunt. She didn't know how, but...she had to at least try.

The trees were too thick where she was currently walking, so she moved toward the edge of the forest, where the trees were thinner. The sunlight filtering through the sparse canopy made her squint as she located a small clearing to serve her purposes. Crouching down, she concentrated on a mental projection of her rarely-used dragon body, calling out to the magic innate in her that was necessary to revert to her natural form.

It would be good to stretch her wings again. She could almost feel the weight and pull of her wings on her back, even before she transformed. Thick muscle connected shoulders to her wings, which were themselves only delicate-looking constructions -- dragon wings consisted of strong bone and thick membrane. While her legs and arms were certainly sturdy, her wings were, easily, the largest and strongest of her limbs...after all, they had to support all of her dragon weight in flight. Throughout the years, Ellyn had found it it was comforting to even be able to imagine the weight of her wings against her back, and right now was no exception

Except she shouldn't be imagining it right now...she should be experiencing it.

Anxiously, Ellyn once again went through the procedure for transforming...it was a simple and natural chanelling of mana, that required little thinking and almost no conscious effort. It was a skill native to dragons. She couldn't understand, then, why she wasn't transforming -- panic began to creep into her tensed muscles as fear raced through her veins.

She tried again and again, but the result only remained the same. Why was it the same? She should be in dragon form right now, she wanted to be in dragon form, there was no reason why she shouldn't be able to transform. Again and again, she frantically retried to transform; her only reward was a tingling sense of mana coursing through her body. Foreign mana. Someone else's spell.

Ellyn felt like a icy cold hand slapped her in her face as she remembered the wash of magic that was Ruel's last spell against her. The color drained from her skin as all the warmth seeped from her body. She stood deathly still for a moment -- right before letting out a blood-curdling, dragonic screech that echoed for miles.

Like a terrified child, Ellyn began shaking. She crumpled forward in a heap, sobbing, shivering, and groaning, the world around her phasing out of her awareness. To her senses, all was black and nothingness.

---

How much time passed before she came to her senses once more, Ellyn had no idea. She did know, however, that she was already walking, curiously enough. So, when she became aware, she just...kept on walking.

Her hunger grew greater than her desire for isolation, however. She had to get more food...and in order to do that, she needed to find someone to help her. She certainly wasn't faring well on her own.

It was a simple trick locating a town -- the drow had taught her how to read the astral, to locate individuals and groups of people from a distance. Finding the nearest settlement was just a matter of looking for a large grouping of auras. She swiftly located such a grouping, and started her journey toward it.

She was nervous once she left the deep forest, but there were trees scattered about along her walk. If touble arose, she figured, she could just scale a nearby tree and wait it out. Besides, she was lucky enough to run across a dirt path that apparently led toward her destination, and it was much easier on her feet to use the path over the forest floor. Her shoes were made of a soft material, and not very suited for traveling.

Surely the town she was approaching had some jobs she could work. The people of Fatier always had some odd jobs for people to do...someone would, certainly, take pity upon her plight, and help her by providing a job. It wasn't like she was asking for free food...she was willing to work.

The strain of the sunlight on her eyes faded as the sun dipped down towards the horizon, casting an orange-pink hue over the sky. After hours of walking, Ellyn was faintly surprised to see a trio of figures outlined in the peach light along the path ahead of her.

She hurried toward the figures, calling out. They turned around and halted in their progress, staring back at Ellyn as she approached.

"Who are you?" The one in the center of the group asked. He stared at Ellyn, like she was the oddest thing in the world.

"I'm--" she barely caught herself from saying 'I'm Rai.' She shoved that thought aside with a shiver, and action which seemed to keenly interest the man on the left of the group. "E, Ellyn..." she murmured.

"Where do you come from?" demanded the original speaker. His eyes watched Ellyn coldly, appraising her.

"I'm from...Fatier..." she responded, too surprised at the interrogation to do anything but answer the questions shot at her.

"Fatier? Never heard o' it." This time, it was the man on the left who spoke up. He was watching Ellyn closely, the expression on his face making her want to shiver.

The man to the right of the group was the only one wearing anything close to a friendly expression. He, however, seemed to hang back, alternating his gaze from between his companions to Ellyn, while not speaking a word. Ellyn herself stuttered a bit before responding.

"Fatier...well, it's where I'm from...it's in the...south..."

"In Doma?" The first man raised his eye. "Those aren't Doman clothes...and they're rather ragged. Just how far did you travel--"

The third man finally spoke up, interrupting his friend's questioning. "You look hungry. Have you eaten at all in the last few days?"

"Well...no...that's why..."

The second man rolled his eyes, mouthing the word 'beggar,' while the first man snorted and eyed Ellyn dubiously. Ellyn nearly wilted on the spot, but the third man spoke up again, shooting a look at his companions. "That's why...what?"

"That's why I'm headed...for a town...to try to find a job to earn some money to buy food..."

The first man grinned broadly at this, nudging the second. "Really? Well, old Nofar and I could give you a job or two, paid for with a bit o' cash..."

The third man glared at the two, eyes narrowed. "I don't find that humorous, Falak."

Falak glared right back, but he shifted his weight around on his feet nervously. His eyes eventually dropped from the third man's unblinking gaze. "You never were one for a bit o' fun, Max," he half grumbled, half muttered.

Ellyn stood rooted to her spot, watching the interchange in fear. Somehow, she got the impression something beyond her comprehension had just occurred. She stood and watched in consternation as the men called Nofar and Falak turned around and began walking down the path again, not giving her a second glance.

While he cast a look over his shoulders at his companions, however, the third man didn't move immediately to follow them. Instead, he turned pale blue eyes toward Ellyn. "Don't mind them...they're just being themselves. But don't push your luck...I wouldn't be alone in a room with either of them, if I were you. You know what I mean."

Ellyn blinked wordlessly, not understanding at all. The man frowned at this, but stopped at the look of terrified dejection on Ellyn's face. "Come'n then...Ellyn, right? Tell you what..." He adopted a brisk, professional tone of voice. "Since you're so willing to find a job, and seem to be out of luck...I'll buy your meal and lodgings tonight, and help you find work in the morning. I'll be looking for work myself, so maybe we'll find something...

"Oh," he added as an afterthought, just before he turned around to head down the path. "I'm Alexander Maxilan, by the way." He bowed to Ellyn, standing up straight with a faint smile. "A mercenary for hire. Pleased to meet you, miss Ellyn."

----
-------
----

And...that's it. Finally. x_x;; I was half dead writing this last part...so please be gentle with the critiques. I just wanted it done.

Eventually, I'm going to go through this and do a second draft of the story. It probably won't be anytime soon, however; Creative Writing is one of my classes this semester, and it's supposed to be very work-intensive. Not to mention my OTHER 5 classes, which are ALSO all very work-heavy. -_-;; However, I should have almost all of the month of December off classes, so I should be able to revise this then, if not before. (And by then, I should have 15 weeks' worth of critiques and writing under my belt, which should hopefully help me when I revise this).

Erm...yeah. If I can stand to look at this fic in a few months, I have two other follow-up-ish stories planned. I doubt I'll ever write them, though. -_-;

...um...yeah. <p><font color=navy><hr width="47%"><small>Hello, my name is Dia. I'm a dragongirl, and I bite. RAWR!<hr width="31%">Quotes of the moment:
-=- "Love is when your brain stops working." -- White Knight
-=- "Love is when 72 billion monkeys steal a porsche and drive it off a cliff." -- SuperRube
-=- "Love is an intricate dance of lewd comments and biting." -- Lord McBastard</font></p>

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Nick Shogun
 
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.../

Unread postby Nick Shogun » Mon Aug 19, 2002 11:20 pm

She was nervous once she left the deep forest, but there were trees scattered about along her walk. If touble arose, she figured, she could just scale a nearby tree and wait it out. Besides, she was lucky enough to run across a dirt path that apparently led toward her destination, and it was much easier on her feet to use the path over the forest floor. Her shoes were made of a soft material, and not very suited for traveling.

That's the only error I found. To me, the ending seemed kind of incomplete, but I don't know who this Maximilian guy is. One of your chars?

The writing had a really creepy mood, so congrats on that, if you were aiming for it. Your story gets nine giant swords of approval.



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