by Reako Somner » Fri Oct 14, 2005 12:39 pm
Oh snap, this entire post is filled with... uhm... stuff that has nothing to do with the topic. Well maybe it does. I just started typing and ranting then decided to stop eventually. Read it if you want, I guess!
I've gotten picked on alot throughout my entire life, leading me to a condition of paranoia in other people, a sense of "uncoolness" that never goes away, that I'm just a nuisance, an annoying bother. I know it's not true, to some extent, but it doesn't go away.
I recieved far more verbal abuse than physical. Rarely was I ever hit or beaten or physically poked at. Naw, kids found it funnier to poke fun at my refusal to swear, my lack of interest in porn (sometimes shoving it in my face on the bus), and the overall weirdness of the way I move around (apparently I walk like a duck) It began to decline as I never exploded, merely giving them a warning of some kind, and then following through if they didn't listen, like some sort of strict machine. (A kid who wore an expensive brand of glasses wouldn't stop bothering me with sexual vulgarity, thus, after my warning, I calmly snatched them from his face, snapped them over my knee, and tossed them in the garbage) I've broken alot of property, getting in trouble for it obviously, but the message came across. Being somewhat poor, I had no property for them to damage in return, and always hovered near teachers like a dog.
Ahhh, the villians of my past. It was never some musclebound jock hrhring and punchpunching, instead it was cold, possibly psychotic scrawny lads who built a ring of followers around them with thier obvious cruel wit. The first was Patrick Lamden, First Grade to Fourth Grade I was his target, his scratching post. The kid recieved trop grades around everyone in his class, becoming an honor student as I did (until Attention Deficit struck me hard into the long slump to come) he was always the teacher's pet, the little angel, he could do no wrong. Out of the vision of adults he was a dark, calculating monster. If he didn't like you, for whatever reason, the goal was not to hurt you, but to RUIN you. Find what insults sting the most, what to do to get you on the school's bad side, what buttons to press. He never smiled, he only had this look of evil and dread. I dunno where he is today, as I moved out of Texas with my family in the middle of 4th grade.
The next one is some guy I don't remember in early Middle School. What I do remember is that he was a violent smartass who always got his way, one way or another. He gained membership for his little cult following with bribes and false kindness.. once a person's usefulness was run through, they would be "disposed of" in a week's worth of planned humiliation. At the time, my grades were pretty good and, I dunno, he approached me with the same tendancies I'd seen him use on others, and I laughed and declined, as I was a loner and flatly said I don't trust the way he acts. I was the target of him and his growing gang of "friends" and connections for 2 years, but I never gave him the pleasure of exploding in emotion, and he frustratingly gave up. It didn't end completely until he moved away, but then came...
The only kid who ever took a physical shot at me was Michael Leer, a criminally inclined kid who'd already been punished for killing two pet animals around the mobile home park before. He came to dispise me for reasons unknown, once again some marked target. Since I was a rather charismatic snitch, he didn't come for me til the last day of school. I exploded, for the first time, at one of his lackies instead. Scuffling with him, I recieved a black eye. It's likely good I did, because I was later told Mike had a combat knife he stole from his father's dresser, and intended to use it after goading me into "one free punch". What would drive a 15 year old to be like this I wouldn't know. For once, I was honestly considering killing him, looking around the surroundings, all the easy ways I could do it, something in me just snapped. "That cinderblock on the porch, he doesn't see me as dangerous... I could walk behind him and bash his head in, he wouldn't make a sound, smashed skull and all... no one in the neighborhood really liked him, no one would be sorry to see him go. My BB gun has sights.. I know his way home, maybe I could snipe him in the eye... that'd be awesome." I scared myself with these thoughts and vowed to stop them. In time Mike was arrested by the police for something I never managed to hear, and whatever happened to him there caused him to stop attacking others after he was released.
I think it's a good thing I had ADHD and a hardcore addiction to videogames, because it sure let me blow off alot of life's problems, homework included, unfortunately.
I think I'm gonna call this post REAKO'S ANGSTY LIVEJOURNAL and put a POSSIBLY SEVERELY OFF TOPIC tag on it. I ranted about alot of personal issues! Woot! Meh, they're in the past, and those demons are gone, so it's all good. I think all that severe anger management I taught myself was probably good too. I rarely get upset these days unless something is really irking me... *shrug*