Sure, Archie.
Quote:
Now, A few questions on this. When you have these negative emotions pop up, how do you deal with them? What is your general response to them? And how do they affect you in your daily life? Also, would you be willing to stand up and proclaim aspects of your dark side?
Previously, I'd berate myself mentally for being such a retard/freak/incompetent/etc. for allowing whatever negative emotion popped up to pop up. I'd try to basically drive the offending thought/emotion away because it was not who I wanted to be. In my daily life, this would result in me having moments of silence where I silently freaked out inside, and a few years ago, I just instead started tensing up my right arm in response to these sorts of negative emotions. Sort of ... "storing" them away, so to speak.
Would I be willing to stand up and proclaim some aspects of my darkside? Generally, no. There's some aspects of myself that I'm not overly proud of, but that exist within me that I feel other people would be horrified to learn. So, my deepest, darkest aspects? I'd more than likely not want to reveal. HOWEVER, considering that you've just called me on it, and how I am asking people to open themselves up, I will ... because I'll have to eventually do it some time.
Ever since I was young, I was intensely enamoured with the concept of voyeurism. I would fantasize about being a peeping tom, of all things. In grade ... 1, I think, I fantasized about being a rapist before actually really knowing what exactly a rapist was (turns out I didn't want to actually violate women, just dehumanize them and turn them into objects. Why? I dunno. still a mystery). When I grew up to grade 6 and discovered my sexuality, I became intensely withdrawn and repressed regarding my interractions with women. It was pretty much impossible for me to view women as people, I could only view them as objects.
That repression and general awkwardness around women resulted in me being a social fucktard for a good long while. This social fucktardery resulted in me being a reject through junior high and high school. At 17, miracle of miracles, I got a girlfriend and fucked that up royally. There's a lot of shame and negativity regarding that that I'll gloss over. You can all just look over my formative mindset and connect the dots. After the relationship failed in an extraordinary way, I went through about a year and a half worth of mental anguish where my inability to deal with the aforementioned shame and negativity almost resulted in a complete nervous breakdown. Then, I realized that I was pretty fucked up and started resolving things.
So, by then I'd amassed about ... Oh, I dunno, 6-12 years of shameful fucktardery and was seeking to resolve my issues. Angry self-recriminations came up almost daily for me, so often that I resorted to the "out of mind, into arm" resolution. That kind of worked, but I knew it wasn't a solution. Then, miracle of miracles, I got another girlfriend and she was instrumental in guiding me out of my messed up social awkwardness. Then, I left Edmonton. Then, I wound up in Vancouver and worked at a self-improvement place. Now, I'm asking about all of your experiences with self-negative shame and emotions and how you deal, because I'm seeking to figure out a process.
So ... does that answer your question?
Priam and Bes: How has that been working for you so far? Have you noticed if the offending thoughts/reactions have decreased or worsened? Has anything else decreased or worsened? <p>
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Edited by: [url=http://p068.ezboard.com/brpgww60462.showUserPublicProfile?gid=wolfbelly>Wolfbelly</A] at: 9/20/05 1:48