by ChristianC » Tue Sep 03, 2002 2:29 am
I figured I'll just post the old RP in lack of anything better to do.
--#1--
Umm... right... here we go.
Narrator:It was a calm summer afternoon. The sun was shining and the weather was perfect. Christian was as usual plotting some half-witted scheme which would undoubtly fail one way or another.
ChrC: Hey!
Narrator: Sorry. Anyway, as mentioned, the weather was perfect with not a cloud on the sky.
ChrC: *whisper* You'd better watch your back, buddy.*whisper* Oh, what a beautyful day. And the sun is shining.
Nattator: I've already said that.
ChrC: Hush. Anyway, nothing bad will ruin this day.
Narrator: Just as he said that the doorbell rung.
Doorbell: Ding, Dong, Ding, Dong, Ping, Pong, Bing, Bong, KILL ALL EARTH SCUM!!! POWER THE CTHULHU!!!
ChrC: *mumble*I need to get that bell fixed*mumble*... Yes, I'm coming.
Narrator: Christian ran down the stairs and opened his door only to find no one there.
ChrC: What the spoon? You damn kids! Stop teasing a frail young man like this! Hello, what's this?
Narrator: Christian had found a small package lying by his feet. Curiously he picked it up.
ChrC: What's this? It's not my birthday? Prolly something from that damned king, a bomb, mark my words.
Narrator: He leaned closely and listened for that old "tick, tack". There was no sound.
ChrC: Aha, it's one of those C4 bombs! To the bombshelter!!
Narrator: Idiot.
ChrC:...or, it could be something else.
Narrator: As he opened the package Christian gasped. Inside it was a small note and some small bags and a thick bunch of legal mumbo-jumbo.
ChrC: What's this then?
Dear mr. Christian J. Cordeus. We are sorry to bring you the news of the departure of your cousins cousins cousins great-great grand-grandfather. Therefore you have, by legal right, gained the ownership of the entire farm your cousins cousins cousins great-great grand-grandfather. With this documents are the last remains of your cousins cousins cousins great-great grand-grandfather.
Narrator: Christian stared at the bags in disgust.
Christian: Filthy old man, I'm glad he's gone.
Narrator: With that, the ungrateful young man threw his cousins cousins cousins great-great grand-grandfather's remains on the fire and...
ChrC: Fire?
Narrator:...Yeah, fire.
ChrC: Fire, in the middle of the summer?
Narrator:...Blarg.
To be continued.
Yes, this is the story on how ChrC have to take care of his cousins cousins cousins great-great grand-grandfathers farm. If you want to join this, tell the story like I do. That's the only rule.
--#2--
Narrator: At the same time, C_C was... Hey, wait! Is this char control of me?
C_C: Probably, yeah.
Narrato: That was anticlimactic.
C_C: Well, what did you expect. Five paragraphs of meaningless banter?
Narrator: That would have been nice, yes.
C_C: TOO BAD! It's not going to happen!
Narrator: Couldn't I just try a little banter?
C_C: No.
Narrator: Anyway, one day, C_C was walking through the forest when there came a knock at the door.
C_C: In the forest?
Narrator: HEY! Don't make me come down there!
C_C: Oh no! There must be a knock at the door in my house where I am not and thus cannot know about the knock on the door!
Narrator: Then C_C ran to check it out.
C_C: I did?
Narrator: Yep.
C_C: No, I think I'll just go get some pizza instead.
Narrator: *sigh* And outside the pizza place, there was a package addressed to C_C.
C_C: I thought you said I was going home.
Narrator: Are you TRYING to mess this up?
C_C: Yep.
Narrator: Okay, whereever C_C was, a random stranger came up to him and said, "Hi, would you like to unwittingly become part of a master plan to make loads of money, none of which will be recieved by you?"
C_C: Sure!
Random Stranger: All right. *opens a gatway to the cave of Harvest Sprites* I'll explain what you have to do shortly.
Narrator: TO BE CONTINUED...
--#3--
Naterator: And Knocking at C_C's door was...The Pizza Guy. So the Pizza Guy stood there knocking.
Pizza Guy: Why?
Naterator: Umm, b-b-because...
Pizza Guy: You don'y really have a reason I am mindlessly knocking at this door...
Naterator: Umm...'bout right.
*exits Pizza Guy*
Naterator: Shucks...
--#4--
Narrator: And so, with the remains burned up.
ChrC: Thrown away.
Narrator:...thrown away, Christian set up to find this... farm which he had inherited.
ChrC: Who knows, might make a good concentration camp.
Narrator: He did of course realize that WWII ended 60 years ago, and that the Nazis used Concentration camps.
ChrC:... Anyway, I bet I could do something out of the old place.
Narrator: So he set out, filled with joy and hop...
ChrC: Dark intentions and lust for power.
Narrator: Wha? Oh, alright, dark intentions and...
ChrC: Lust for power.
Narrator: Lust for power. After he had packed his stuff for the trip, including weapons, food, weapons, clothing, weapons, his latest lab monkey Bob, weapons, and Vulture, he threw open the gates of his tower and set out.
ChrC: I notice an overkill of the word set out.
Narrator: Hush. Anyway, as he went down the old road leading to the faraway land of Whovill he happened to come upon a tired traveller.
ChrC: Give me your money, equipment, clothing and walking staff!
Narrator: Ehehe... *whisper*You're supposed to be good this time*whisper*
ChrC:*whisper*WHAT!?*whisper*
Narrator:*whisper*forum policy*whisper
ChrC:*whisper*HALF-good*whisper*
Narrator:*whisper*fair enough*whisper**aloud* Ho there traveller!
Traveller: 4R3 U L337?
ChrC:*whisper* please let me kill him*whisper*
Narrator:*whisper*Tempting, but no.*whisper*
Narrator: To be continued.
--#5--
C_C: Wait, if you're a random stranger, why are you affecting the plot?
RS: Because... Um...
Narrator: Not my fault!
C_C: Yes, it is. You created him!
Random Stranger: HEY! You assume because of my non-gender-specific name that I'm a guy?
C_C: *slapped, goes flying into pool*
Harvest Godess: Did you drop this in the water? *holds up C_C*
Random Stranger: Yes...
Harvest Godess: Honesty should be rewarded. *pulls out new, more powerful, GOLD C_C*
Random Stranger: Ooo... Hang on... Shouldn't I have a name?
Narrator: Okay. You're name is now 'Random'
Random: Well, that was a lack of effort.
Narrator: Don't make me come down there!
C_C: *climbs out of water*
Gold C_C: *knocks C_C back in* Heh heh heh...
--#6--
Narrator: I felt a disturbance in the force.
ChrC: What?
Narrator: Spoon? Nothin´ ye blubbering idiot.
ChrC: Hey!
Traveller: |-|0 5TR4||G3R5!!
ChrC & Narrator: Shut up!!
Traveller: Qu3?
ChrC: *Sigh* Oh well... *storm cloud brews up* AAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!L333333333337.... P0//3333333333R... UPGR444444444444D3....G0! *lightning strikes ChrC*
Narrator:...?
ChrC: //000, /'|/| 4|_|_ D|ZZ`/.
Traveller: `/0!
ChrC: `/00 B|_UBB3R|||G |D|07!!
Narrator: That's my line!!
ChrC & Traveller: 5|-|U7 UP, 5UXX0R!
To be continued.
--#6--
Random: Hey, where are those lamer signals coming from.
Narrator: The guy who's going to inherit the farm.
Random: Oh.
Narrator: Isn't there going to be some banter?
Random: NO!
Gold C_C: j00 = unl33t!
Random: Okay, first rule. No l33t. The boss of the Harvest Organisation's going to be here soon.
Larry: j0.
Random: Who the HELL are you?
Larry: Boss of the HarvestOrg.
Random: The initials spell HO. What am I to gather from this?
Larry: *shifty eyes* Umm...
Narrator: Meanwhile...
Random: HEY! I wasn't finished.
Narrator: Yeah, well I need to advance the damn plot.
Larry: What's so damning about the plot?
Random: What plot?
Narrator: Anyhow, in the meantime... C_C climbed out-
Random: He did?
Narrator: GET OFFSTAGE, DAMMIT!
Gold C_C: *climbs up to Narrator booth*
Narrator: Gaah! You're not supposed to be aware of my existance! You're stealing this from Macc's HQ! NOT THE FACE!
Random: That worked well.
Narrator: Oh yeah? SUPER NARRATOR POWERZ! That seemed to work. Meanwhile...
Harvest Sprite1: There's some kind of wierd guy down here.
Sprite2: Is he in the water?
Sprite1: Yep.
C_C: Whew! I'm saved.
Sprite2: KILL HIM!
C_C: Whew, I'm dead?
Narrator: TO BE CONTINUED...
Larry: Yep!
Narrator: You're not supposed to say anything after TO BE CONTINUED! It defeats the whole purpose.
Larry: Okay, would it be all right if I reveal an important plot point?
Narrator: Go right ahead.
Larry: Our ultimate plan is to-
BEEP! Your post has exceeded the time allotted.
--#7--
Narrator: And so, Christian and the traveller continued speaking in L337.
Traveller: |-|3 B0R3Z |/|3, |_37'5 K||_|_ |-|||/|.
ChrC: | 4gr33.
Narrator: No, wait. I know exactly what to...
ChrC and Traveller: U|-|?
Narrator: Sigh *pushes the "L337=Engrish" button*
ChrC: Wht ddi you od?
Narrator: As said I, al cretured wll perisj nd all tings wil brek.
ChrC: Tis irrittes me alt.
Narrator: Te continue wil son be her.
--#8--
C_C: Who's Wilson?
Narrator: Engrish are not being talked by you?
C_C: Not really. I'm technically not there.
Narrator: Cursing are being you I am!
C_C: I think you're lashing out because of your bitter childhood.
Narrator: Not is talking about this will be you!
C_C: ...what?
--#9--
Narrator: And with walking every step our heroes out on quest they set.
ChrC: I no can believe speaking Engrish am I. Off the switch turning must do I chaos before happens.
Narrator: Christian so off button Engrish turned shovel with.
ChrC: Oh, just shut up.
Narrator: ok. So anyway, once the poor old travelling *cough*looney*uncough* man had gotten his share of attention the heroes set ou...
ChrC: Eherm.
Narrator: Now what?
ChrC: Heroes?
Narrator: Okay, okay. The fairly nice guys set o...
ChrC: EHERM!!
Narrator:... Fairly nice GUY set out on his, umm... quest? to find his cousins cousins cousins great-gr...
ChrC: Oh please. Could you just say "the old dead codger" or something?
Narrator: He's dead. Show some bloody respect.
ChrC: Not... BLOODY... likely. But things might get BLOODY if you don't BLOODY do what I BLOODY say!
Narrator: Sigh, very well... And so, the fairly nice GUY set out on his quest to find the dead old codgers farm.
ChrC: That's more like it.
Narrator: Can you understand we wasted an entire post arguing?
ChrC: We've wasted all posts arguing.
Narrator: Oh... Ok then. To be continued.
--#10--
C_C: Hey, Narrator?
Narrator: Yeah?
C_C: I thought the Engrish signals had scrampled your brain.
Narrator: I got better.
C_C: Ah.
Narrator: Aren't you supposed to ridicul my lack of originality?
C_C: Huh?
Narrator: I STOLE A CLICHED LINE FROM MONTY PYTHON!
C_C: Sucks to be you.
Narrator: Oh yeah? Well, you're going to be slaughtered by cute little Harvest Sprites!
C_C: Well, you're intelligence is...
Sprite: BURN HIM!
C_C: Godammit.
--#11--
Narrator: And so our fairly nice guy continued on his jour...
ChrC: Am I there yet?
Narrator: No, there's probably several... oh wait, we're there. Right, so the farm was in no good conditions, apparently the old codger had been dead for quite a while.
ChrC: Stupid slow-working lawyers.
Lawyer: Hey!
ChrC: Nothing personal.
Lawyer: oh, ok! *lawyer creeps back under his stone*
Narrator: -_-. Anyway, the fences of the farms were torn down and broken.
ChrC: Why?
Narrator: Oh, well... It had rained a lot.
ChrC: Rained?
Narrator: Yeah, fences break when it rains.
ChrC: When it... rains? That's quite illogical.
Narrator: Now, now, don't be picky. Where was I, yes. The ground was covered in weeds and rocks. The farm itself had broken windows, shifty doors and cow corpses all over.
ChrC: Ahh, seems to need some work. Just one question.
Narrator: What is it?
ChrC: Where did these rocks come from?
Narrator: Well, they were here all along.
ChrC: So the old codger used 1% of the farms ground to grow vegetables on.
Narrator: Of course not, he cleared them away.
ChrC: Then what the hell are they doing here!?
Narrator: Good point... Lemme see... *picks up thick book*
ChrC: What's that?
Narrator: This, nothing.
ChrC: Is that the official guide!?
Narrator: Maybe...
ChrC: Hey, gimme that!
Narrator: To be continued!
ChrC: Ooooooh, you damn f-!
--#12--
Narrator: C_C then found an unidentified object with which to bash the offending-
C_C: It's an umbrella.
Narrator: Right, then he-
C_C: I am NOT beating little underground pixies to death with an umbrella.
Narrator: Why?
C_C: Because it's REALLY, REALLY, stupid.
Narrator: Does that ususally stop you from doing things?
C_C: That was just hurtful.
Narrator: Anyhow, C_C somehow escaped through a freak coincidence that wasn't really a contrived or a plothole at all.
C_C: WOO! Umbrella-victory dance! *opens umbrella*
*rain starts*
Narrator: Hey! I'm getting drenched up here!
C_C: I don't really mind the rain, anyhow. *closes umbrella*
*rain stops*
C_C: Whoa. *opens umbrella*
*rain starts*
C_C: *closes umbrella*
*rain stops*
C_C: *opens umbrella*
*rain starts*
C_C: *closes umbrella*
*rain stops*
C_C: I CONTROL THE WEATHER!
Narrator: Not really, 'cause-
C_C: SILENCE OR I SHALL CALL DOWN RAINDROPS ON THEY HEAD! *opens umbrella*
*rain starts*
C_C: *struck by lightening* Ow.
--13--
Narrator: And that was the downfall of Maurice the Pigeon.
ChrC: ???
Narrator: I mean, and so the strange weather stopped happening just as quickly as it had begun.
ChrC: ???
Narrator: Whatever... Anyway, so Christian began working on the farm.
ChrC: Like hell I did, this place's a dump, I'm outta here...
Narrator: He was of course aware of the gigantic prices on naturally grown vegetables and fruits as genetic engineering was slowly taking over the market.
ChrC:...*zip* Oh what a beautyful day. I think I should go and buy some seeds for my farm.
Narrator: But before he went away to get seeds something happened.
ChrC: What? Where?
Narrator:*whisper*you're not suppoused to hear me...*unwhisper*
ChrC:*whisper*But I hear you clearly*unwhisper*
Narrator:*whisper*but people don't know that*unwhisper*
ChrC:*whisper*dang*unwhisper*
Narrator: To be continued...
ChrC: Hey, what abo... Oh, I mean, ehh...
--14--
C_C: *jumps up in front of ChrC* j0 ChrC! It's apparently my job to show you around the farm!
Narrator: No, it's not! I'm supposed to do that.
C_C: Look, I have no impact on the damn storyline thus far, and if I don't do something, I'll be sent back to the murderous little elf-things.
Narrator: That's just stupid.
C_C: I call down rain upon thy head! *holds up umbrella*
*rain starts*
Narrator: I'm wearing a raincoat.
C_C: Godammit.
--15--
Narrator: And so came the end to Schnitzelfritzkin the mighty and everyone lived happily ever after.
ChrC: What the?
Narrator: And so Cindercarl became the beautyful drag queen and everyone lived happily ever after.
ChrC: Hey, stop it!
Narrator: And so Ash couldn't take it anymore with Misty's premature boobs and he raped her and everyone lived happily ever after.
ChrC: Now THAT sounds like it might happe... I mean, stop doing this this instant or I'll...
Sprite#8: `/0, WUZZUP!!
Sprite#1: We finished the L337 part years ago.
ChrC: Gaah, Sprites. *takes out flamethrower*
Narrator: And so the happy little evils walked to the dingely-dong mountains and had oral-sex, and everyone lived happily ever after.
ChrC: This is freaking me out, he's gotta be having a bug or something.
Bug: Hi, I'm a bug.
ChrC:.......
Narrator: To be continued... And everyone lived happily ever afte-
16
_C: Hey! Sprites can't come out of the... uh... Sprite-underground-place-thing!
Narrator: And the hero of light and the warrior of darkness moved in together and started a flowershop and-
C_C: Godammit, we need to fix the narrator.
Sprite: Since when can we not come above ground?
C_C: Since the invention of pizza.
Sprite: I don't see what pizza has to do with- *crushed by falling pizza*
Narrator: And so the-
C_C: *climbs up into narrator booth* Here's the problem! We're using a Narratron 5434.546-A, which is prone to these fits when it gets wet. According to the manual, the best thing to do in these situations is to replace it with a talking cactus.
Bob the cactus: You're just looking for an excuse to put me in, aren't you?
Bug: Um... hello? I'm a bug? I'm doing bug things...
Bob: Noone cares.
Some Guy: Speak for yourself.
Bob: I will.
Some Guy: Uh... Good!
Bob: To be continued, unfortunately.
17
ChrC: Oh, I thought I was using Narrator version 5434.546-B! Gahd, I'm so stupid. 5434.546-A's should only be used during Dry Season... Which reminds me, ehmm... Why did it rain?
Narrator: And so the fuzzy little foobos went to dingelyding plingeliplong land and met the evil stepfather who cursed them to become apples... and everyone lived happily ever after.
ChrC: Now this is REALLY frikkin´ me out. He's starting to make sense! In a twisted, early morning-kid show kind of way.
Bob: No he doesn't.
Bug: Hi, I'm a bug and I do bug things and you know what? That really bugs me...
ChrC, Bob The Cactus, Some Guy, C_C and Sprite under Pizza: ...*sweatdrop*
Bug: What? I'm driving a beatle.
ChrC, Bob The Cactus, Some Guy, C_C and Sprite under Pizza: ...*sweatdrop*
Bug: Eskimo Bug, Eskimo Bug, he eats filthy dirt! Eskimo Bug, Eskimo Bug, he is... *BLAMO*
Bob: Sorry, I couldn't take it...
Narrator: And so the head of the bug fell off in a twinkely dinkely little pudly wudly.
Bob: Too be continued, Blarg!
That's the old RP... BLARG!!