Seethe347's Thread

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Seethe347
 

Seethe347's Thread

Unread postby Seethe347 » Mon Nov 24, 2003 5:33 am

Here's my first character.

I'll need some feedback. If some things don't jive, I'll fix them, but it's pretty important that the overall plot stays the same.

And before I confuse anyone, I myself am a male. It's just this character that's female.

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Name: Kilisha Sorinia
RPer: Seethe347
Race: succubus
Age: 23
Height: 5'7"
Eye Color: dark green
Hair Color: black

Background:

Kilisha was born as a human to a poor family in Uiridio, Riva. She idolized her older brother, Tairn, and followed him everywhere, even on his hunting trips. Partially to indulge her and partially hoping to help his family, Tairn taught her his skill. The rest of Kilisha’s family was thrilled about this, now expecting that Kilisha would help alleviate their hardship. Unfortunately, this would not be so.

In the winter of Kilisha’s fourteenth year, what seemed like a normal trip changed Kilisha’s life forever. As he was tracking his prey one morning, Tairn encountered the succubus Tristil who was looking for prey of a different sort. When Tairn did not return to camp, Kilisha went in search of him. She found him only moments before he would have lost his soul. In a panic, she quickly raised her bow and shot an arrow at the demoness. However, Tristil quickly pulled Tairn into the arrow’s path. The moment the arrow drove into Tairn’s throat, Kilisha's heart collapsed. The succubus rushed forward and attacked, and Kilisha was subdued without any difficulty. The demoness decided not to kill Kilisha, though, for if both humans died, she would gain nothing. So she instead returned with Kilisha to the underworld and sold her to a small cabal of demon magi known as the Circle of Zahlzath.

The Circle of Zahzath had devoted itself to magical experimentation, particularly in the field of transformations. Their most recent experimental attempt was to develope a way to transform mortals into demonic races other than mazoku. As the race of succubi was the most similar to that of humans, that was the form which the demons chose for Kilisha. The physical alterations were a simple matter and took no more than a week to complete, although they left Kilisha in a coma for almost a month, which was normal for the technique they were using. The magical alterations, giving Kilisha the soul consuming trait of the succubi, were more complicated, requiring an entire year of painful treatments to complete and requiring two years for recovery, but were still quite successful.

Finally, the circle began the most dificult phase of the transformation, the transformation of Kilisha's soul. Although she had never recovered from the loss of her brother to an arrow that she herself had fired, and the torments that she had endured since then had scarred her mind even further, she still fought against this transformation with all of her being. For four years, she endured brutal tortures and demonic possessions that pierced her to the core. At the last, with her mind completely exhausted and overrun, her spirit was consumed by darkness.

Although the Circle was delighted with its success, a Mazoku Daemon Master by the name of Selnu was not. Perceiving Kilisha’s transformation as a threat to the honor of the Mazoku race, he commanded that the Circle of Zalzath and its creation be destroyed. As the forces of Selnu razed the lair of the demon magi, Kilisha was finally able to escape and flee to the overworld. At first, she thought of returning to Uiridio, but she soon realized that agents of Selnu were pursuing her. Since then, she has been running from them, killing a few of them from time to time, but knowing that she would not be safe for as long as their master lived.


Skills:
Unarmed combat
Soul sucking
Hunting

Other Notes:
Kilisha has the appearance of a human female, but can, unfortunately at times, be recognized as a succubus without much work due to her unnaturally strange but also unnaturally attractive appearance. Her hair, which she wears loose and keeps at shoulder length, is pure black and straight, her eyes are dark green, and she is about the average height of most human women. Her lips and clawlike nails are also black. Finally, her skin is very pale and slightly bluish.

Kilisha's main concern is her own survival. She will kill if she has too, but for the most part, she will avoid any actions that would bring the ire of others upon her. <p>End of Transmission.</p>Edited by: [url=http://pub30.ezboard.com/brpgww60462.showUserPublicProfile?gid=seethe347>Seethe347</A] at: 12/13/03 11:17 pm

Uncle Pervy
 

Re: Seethe347's Thread

Unread postby Uncle Pervy » Tue Nov 25, 2003 4:04 am

So...what did she do over all these thousands of years?

My suggestion is rather than making it happen in an implausible point in time, specifically at a point before there may well have ever been anything resembling a civilization in Igala, why don't you cut back the scale a bit and make it more recent?

For example, instead of the all-powerful demon force that lays waste to 'much of present day Doma', why not have her as part of a beachhead for a much more recent invasion that never really happened due to the demon being slain in his fortress before the real invasion could begin? From that point on, things can mostly happen the same with the added bonus of not having pointlessly long fuckloads of time in between it.

Merely a suggestion to make the character a bit more plausible <p>------------------
Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.
</p>

User avatar
Capntastic
Aa, cracked glass!
 
Posts: 4579
Joined: Tue Dec 10, 2002 2:09 pm

Re: Seethe347's Thread

Unread postby Capntastic » Tue Nov 25, 2003 4:09 am

I concur with the Pervy. Overly aged characters are not very good as normal everyday characters, due to their, well, age.


Seethe347
 

Re: Seethe347's Thread

Unread postby Seethe347 » Tue Nov 25, 2003 7:27 am

Alright. That sounds like a better idea. Thanks.

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Upgrade complete. Does it fit now? <p>End of Transmission.</p>Edited by: [url=http://pub30.ezboard.com/brpgww60462.showUserPublicProfile?gid=seethe347>Seethe347</A] at: 12/11/03 1:36 pm

Uncle Pervy
 

Re: Seethe347's Thread

Unread postby Uncle Pervy » Thu Dec 11, 2003 3:31 pm

Not too bad.

Though a note on soul eaters. In most places, soul eating = High Crime; considered worse than murder and prosecuted accordingly.

I'd check with Kate or Tai on the Mazoku stuffs, just to be sure it fit; as I recall, Mazoku are primarily in Ayenee and lack much of a presence in Gaera. But I don't see any real problems <p>------------------
Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.
</p>


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