Crystal Trials (... of patience)

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E Mouse

Crystal Trials (... of patience)

Unread postby E Mouse » Fri Jul 22, 2005 3:38 pm

<div style="text-align:center">In many worlds, there are Crystals. Often, these Crystals show the power of the four basic Elements. Water, Fire.... Earth, Wind...

Often stories are told about the protectors of these Crystals. Many times, the tales are alike. Warriors of Light, fighting the Darkness, to save their world... However, with so many of these stories, sometimes the results can be distinctly...


And so begins Crystal Trials, the occasionally-alluded-to-but-just-now-posted-hey-you're-looking-at-it-don't-give-me-that-look lengthly writing project that I've been working on since a while ago. I figured I really needed to get it up here, if only for background about something I'm planning to/already using elsewhere (mostly ADV). And if I get enough of a spine to work on some kind of book or video game series, a basis for that. Not that THAT'S likely...

And since I'm bound to get yelled at for at least a few of these: Yes, I know that this is monsterously long. Yes, I know that the pacing is too slow at points. Yes, I know that I could fix some of these, among other minor errors, with a re-edit, but this thing's been eating at me for long enough. Yes, I know I have a Shinji-style ego complex.

Anyway, it's about time I got this story up, after the guilt it's been giving me. So, without further adeiu...

Crystal Trials

Acknowledgement of any sort is greatly appreciated. Hard to tell if anyone's checking it out, you know?

- Mus

P.S. Yes, I copied this wholesale from my mirror thread at ADV. STOP MOCKING ME WEEP <p>

<span style="font-size:xx-small;">"Their rhetoric... You didn't put communists in his bed did you!" came Amber's indignant reply.

"Why not? All I had to do was open a gate to his bed and stick up a sign saying 'Hot virgin willing to make the ultimate sacrifice in the name of international socialist fraternity.'"</span>

<span style="color:blue;font-size:xx-small;">Excaliburned:</span> <span style="font-size:xx-small;">Ah yes, I'm thinking of having the USS Bob be preserved outside the Arena as a monument of sorts</span></p>

Uncle Pervy

Re: Crystal Trials (... of patience)

Unread postby Uncle Pervy » Tue Jul 26, 2005 3:55 pm


Anyways, gonna try to do a chapter a day.



“Eeeee! Scary!” Lucy cried, and hugged herself with both arms to try and comfort herself.

I wish to stab this woman now.

Nowthen, things I've noticed. There are times when your dialogue feels a bit stiff. Try reading it aloud, and see if you can make it sound more more natural. Also, when you you write something like "He said eagerly", instead of telling us the emotion, try to describe it. In that case, perhaps note he said it a very quickly, or with a silly grin on his face. Something like that.

I also note that you often use ellipses when you should be using a comma. Another thing to work on is using all caps for shouting. Rather than doing that, using descriptive text to show that he's shouting. This also applies to emphasis on certain words; use descriptive text instead of saying "What would YOU do?" and the like.

Also, the king had just died. Wouldn't there be signs of mourning and such to give away that something bad had just went down? I'm not sure how quickly royal funerals tend to go down, either. They might be just in time for it.

Finally, the fact everyone knows about Denrublix is kinda irritating. Instead of just saying "Hey there's this dark wizard guy who wants to blow teh stuff up", why not show it a bit? Perhaps have Eric and Lucy being pursued (with or without their knowledge) in the beginning?

Anyhows; this has potential, but needs some polishing. We'll see where it goes come chapter two. :D


ReakoSomner: regardless, I was poor, and in need of diamonds</p>

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