North and South

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viator22
 

North and South

Unread postby viator22 » Sun Feb 09, 2003 11:39 pm

“Little is known about the events that conspired to form the Plains, excepting the accounts of lunatic accounts of soldiers and the venom of ancient dragons. It should damn well stay that way.” ~ Michul Pandreag, when reporting on his findings to the King of Doma after his investigation into the Battle of the Raging Heavens and the events leading up to it.

875 E.P., Southern Doma

Orvas Drenem focused on the balcony roughly 35 yards above and in front of him, absorbing the details with a practiced eye. He noticed that the entirety of it was intricate; the spindles were white marble, each one carefully worked into the shapes of kneeling griffons, the single chair and the small table that accompanied it were carved from mahogany, probably imported from Inustan, and the chairs cushion covered in silk. Then noticed the size of the manor the balcony was attached to, the immaculate look of the gardens, lawns, and woods he had passed through, all the trappings of a very rich merchant or noble. The real focus of his attention and the reason he was hiding in a beech stand in the predawn hours on the land of a major lord who could and quite probably would kill him if he was caught was standing serenely in the center of the balcony, looking towards the newly risen sun.

Vania took his breath away as usual. Her features held all the delicate beauty of the Gray Elves as she stood in the soft rays of dawn, painting her pale complexion a rosy color. She wore a flowing white silk dress embroidered on the sleeves with silver thread a few shades darker than her hair and lacked any adornment other than a silver necklace of the kind that appeared to have been braided or woven. An emerald green ribbon gathered her hair at the nape of the neck, and he didn’t she could look more beautiful. Her eyes stood out sharply, the same color as the ribbon.

Orvas hefted his long bow, already knocked, and drew a careful mark. He couldn’t miss at this range. Letting the arrow fly, he watched it bury itself into the chair with a satisfying thunk. Vania didn’t even start when it impacted, only looked in the direction it had flown from. The note wrapped around it held coded instructions for their next meeting. Watching her long enough to see that she picked it up, he folded back into the cover of the small wooded area he had come in through.

Sloppy job that, leaving this many trees thick enough and close enough to the wall that there was only one guard watching the area. The other sloppy job had been the low pay of the guards watching the grounds. It had been simple to find and bribe one in exchange for passage at certain times. Reaching the edge of the tiny woods with no interruptions, he sprinted to the wall. Stopping only long enough to hook the six-foot longbow to his back and cast a spell of invisibility, started climbing. Upon reaching the top of the wall he rolled over and dropped on all fours to the ground. From there it was a hundred feet to safety and the streets of Della where he could go into an alley to dispel.

Not that they could always be called safe. Mercenaries like himself abounded in the city, looking for employment by the Doman army, or baring that looking to head south to the Nekonians. The Doman 5th Infantry Legion was camped on the outskirts of the city and was doing all the wenching, drinking, and brawling that bored soldiers normally do, especially when in the volatile presence of Mercenaries. Not only that but refugees where a constant now, passing through the city on their way north to Doma and Riva, some further. More came every day than left, though that would change if the Nekonians closed on the city.

Every Inn, Tavern, and Barn was full to the bursting and the streets were clogged with the people. Humans and elves picked out by their coloring and size, here and there one of the animal races, though very few nekojin were in evidence. The mercenaries in particular were easily picked out, marked by their tendency towards exotic weapons and flamboyance. It was easy to blend into the crowd with so many carrying weapons and Orvas steadily made his way cross town toward the run down apartment he was boarding in. He shared the blasted thing with 4 other Mercs, including his best friend Sishal Domandah.




I completly re-edited the original to, ya know, not suck so much. It's still got problems but not like it had, plus there's about a page of new material.

ALSO: I got the a new title ^_^ *huggles Dia, again*


Edited by: [url=http://pub30.ezboard.com/brpgww60462.showUserPublicProfile?gid=viator22>viator22</A] at: 2/22/03 10:30:39 am

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pd Rydia
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Re: North and South

Unread postby pd Rydia » Sat Feb 15, 2003 2:43 pm

Alright! Let's see here...this has potential, and I'd like to do a critique of suggestions and strong points in the same manner that I do for UnclePervy. However, before I do, let me know if you're willing to take it. I'll be pointing out every nitpicky little error I see, and some people just don't like that. However, I will always mention what I feel is good about the piece. So, it's up to you. Please let me know. <p>
<span style="font-size:xx-small;">-=- "Why must my flaming debris be so delicious and edible? ;_;" -- FlamingDeth
-=- "oye KoD! tu griego me rockearia, si fuera griego de verdad..." -- ikozaedro
-=- "Seriously. The undead just don't stop. Great, aren't they?" -- Dirk (Skull Dragon)
-=- "Kelne's a natural magnet for everything, from lovers to planetary destroyers to carrots." -- End Reshiki</span></p>

viator22
 

Re: North and South

Unread postby viator22 » Sun Feb 16, 2003 3:42 pm

RIP IT TO PIECES

Seriously, do it. I want to get better.

I havn't been writing lately, next chapter will be up when I get to it. <p>-------
EbilRyuuzoku: SLEEP IS FOR THE DUTCH

DWSage008: owes the chat gumballs?</p>

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pd Rydia
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Re: North and South

Unread postby pd Rydia » Sun Feb 16, 2003 4:20 pm

Okay! :D<ul><small>"probably imported from Inustan" -- a minor detail, but I think it adds to the strength of the story. It gives the geography a real feel to it...I like. ^_^

"She wore a flowing white silk dress embroidered on the sleeves with silver thread a few shades darker than her hair and lacked any adornment other than a silver necklace of the kind that appeared to have been braided or woven and an emerald green ribbon gathering her hair at the nape of the neck, not that she needed any." -- run on sentence, try breaking that up into two sentences.

"Sloppy job that," -- I'd start a new paragraph here.

"Reaching the edge of the tiny woods with no interruptions he sprinted to the wall" -- Reaching the edge of the tiny woords with no interruptions, he sprinted to the wall (comma)

"...and, stopping only long enough to hook the six-foot longbow to his back and cast a spell of invisibility, started climbing." -- combined with the last segment, this borders on a run on. I'd cut the sentence into two around here just to be sure.

"From there it was a hundred feet to safety and the streets of Della where he could go into an alley to dispel." -- Try wording it like this or similarly: 'From there it was a hundred feet to safety in the streets of Della, where he could go into an alley to dispel.'

"Mercenaries like himself abounded in the city, looking for employment by the Doman army, or baring that the Nekonians to the south." -- one, I'd say "in" the Doman army instead of "by" (though that is nitpicky); two, the 'or baring that the Nekonians to the south' bit doesn't really make sense

"Every Inn, Tavern" -- new paragraph again

"Humans, Elves" -- 'Humans and elves'

"mercenaries in particular where easily" -- 'were' instead of 'where'

"one of the Animal races" -- 'one of the animal races' (capitalization)

"The mercenaries in particular where easily picked out by their tendency towards exotic weapons and flamboyance." -- That runs on a little bit, but can be fixed by adding a word and a comma: 'The mercenaries in particular were easily picked out, marked by their tendency towards exotic weapons and flamboyance. '

Also, race names like nekojin, elves, etc., are not capitalized, just like one doesn't capitalize "human" (common mistake).

"Sishal Domandah" -- interesting name there, sounds like a bastardization of Domanada, the royal family. >;P Could very well be, in fact...or it could be a coincidence. Nonetheless, I think it's a nice touch.

"...and Orvas steadily made his way cross town toward the run down apartment he shared with 5 other Mercs, including his best friend Sishal Domandah." -- run on again. I'd start a new sentence after apartment.</small></ul>The main two problems are run on sentences and mega paragraphs (actually mildly common mistakes). Work on breaking up those overly large paragraphs first, I'd say; look for changes in situation, thought, or focus (especially focus) as spots to start new paragraphs.

Once you feel comfortable that you're dividing them up in the right spots into more bite-sized paragraphs, then work on watching out for those run on sentences. Probably a good, careful, calm read can unearth those...and they're pretty easy to break up, since there's a hundred and one ways to do so.

Now, the exposition so far is nice. I'm also very interested about the story, since it seems you're going to be elaborating on the Forbidden Plains, ne? As a suggestion for the next piece, you have a lot of description so far -- it's time to balance that out with some action and dialogue. <p>
<span style="font-size:xx-small;">-=- "Why must my flaming debris be so delicious and edible? ;_;" -- FlamingDeth
-=- "oye KoD! tu griego me rockearia, si fuera griego de verdad..." -- ikozaedro
-=- "Seriously. The undead just don't stop. Great, aren't they?" -- Dirk (Skull Dragon)
-=- "Kelne's a natural magnet for everything, from lovers to planetary destroyers to carrots." -- End Reshiki</span></p>Edited by: [url=http://pub30.ezboard.com/brpgww60462.showUserPublicProfile?gid=pdrydia>pd]&nbsp; Image at: 2/16/03 3:23:44 pm

viator22
 

Re: North and South

Unread postby viator22 » Sat Feb 22, 2003 11:34 am

Orvas followed the mass of people through streets that were becoming both dirtier and more deserted the further he went from the main market and the mansions of the nobles. The crowd was changing too. The only people on horses mostly rode shaggy duns and those on foot were dressed head to toe in stout wool. He also noted that the number of mercenaries had increased, though these were harder to pick out than they had been in the markets. You could still tell who they were by their hardened features and the grace with which they handled themselves though. The mercs and soldiers that hung around the east side did so because they couldn’t afford the high priced inns of the other areas or, like Orvas, had better things to spend their money on than “the softest feather beds, best food, and finest hospitality in all of Doma.”

Ten minutes later he finally reached the building he had been calling home for the past month and a half. All the plaster that made up the walls on both stories of the dilapidate boarding house was stained by time and flaking with age, peeling off and mixing in with the rest of the litter in the streets. Going around to the back Orvas scaled the rickety steps that led to the rooms on the second story that was shared between himself, Sishal, a warrior named Aramac, and a black mage Tessa.

Not thinking, he grabbed the doorknob and was just about to turn it when he started and pulled his hand back as if burned. Of course he wasn’t, yet, but opening the door without first speaking the command word would have unleashed a fire spell powerful enough to reduce him to a smoking pile of cinders in a flash. Mercenaries could never be to careful, and most were very careful indeed. Cursing his idiocy he placed his hand on the center of the door and spoke the key word, Fusionair, out loud, sighing as the door popped open without gimping him.

The room it opened into was well lit by the pre-noon sun streaming through the that were windows scattered over the whole apartment. It was small, the building itself was not large and a great deal of the second story was already taken up by storage, but it was comfortable. Or at least they had made it comfortable. He sensed the bustling feeling of the place as soon as he entered and closed the door. Hearing the noise of the shutting door a noble looking human glanced a doorway that led deeper into the house, a broad grin appearing on it when he recognized the caller.

“How did it go Orvas? You haven’t been strung up and horse whipped, so I surmise that it went reasonably well,” said Sishal Domandah, Baronet of Gold River, Captain of the Third Recon, and Orvas’s best friend. Sishal was the son of a minor knight from near the Doman stretch Shuman Mountains. He claimed no relation to the royal family, was actually aghast that someone would think it, but sometimes Orvas wondered. He certainly looked the part of a high lord, if a bit scruffy, and he acted it in combat. “No, tell me later, we’ve got to get ready now.”

“What!?” said Orvas, more than slightly alarmed.

“New commands from on high. We’re to move as quickly as possible south with the 5th. We provide recon and light attack capability, they kill stuff.”

“You forgot to mention our pleasantly hefty commission,” piped up the woman who stepped into view from the room that she had claimed as her own. Tessa was doing her auburn hair into a tail that hung between her shoulders as she spoke. The clasp was one Orvas recognized, a piece of worked jade that could boost spell power. She usually didn’t wear her black mage’s hat around close friends.

“He got an intrest down here Tessa, ain’t no use tryin’ to convince him to be happy ‘bout dis.” Aramac’s voice didn’t come out his mouth so much as rumble from somewhere deep inside his mammoth chest Garojin chest, covered right now by a coat of scale mail. No doubt about it, Aramac was large. He stood at 6’5” and probably weighed 300 pounds, most of it in the muscles that bulged and rippled under his dark fur. “Man’s got that look, there ain’t no gettin’ him to do anything rational.”

Orvas started up, “It’s just, I promised her…. blessed Ishtar.” He sat down heavily on the nearest chair and put his face in his hands. Under normal circumstance he wouldn’t have touched the thing if it could be helped. It had come with the apartment and smelled vaguely of cat vomit. He didn’t care. All Orvas could feel was an overwhelming emptiness slowly seeping out of his heart and worming itself into the rest of his body. He was going to lose her.

He dimly felt Sishal’s hand was on his shoulder, “Go to her.”

Orvas looked up at him with eyes that widened steadily as the realization dawned on them.

“Go. I can find some sort of excuse for a few hours.”
Orvas jumped up and hugged his friend with a ferocity that surprised them both. Jerking the door open he ran out fast as he could, taking the steps three at a time. He was heading towards the Gardens in the city center.

[hr]

Done. I edited the first chapter along Dia's guidelines and changed the date and occupancy of the apartment. Anything wierd in this chapter is probably because of CYBER sitter editing. -_-#


Image <p>-------
EbilRyuuzoku: SLEEP IS FOR THE DUTCH

DWSage008: owes the chat gumballs?</p>Edited by: [url=http://p068.ezboard.com/brpgww60462.showUserPublicProfile?gid=pdrydia>pd]&nbsp; Image at: 6/11/05 17:25


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