RPGWW

New fic. Backstory-ish fic for a few of my chars.

Yay. /Monty Python

I have the whole thing written up, but I'll post it up in smaller segments, in hopes more people'll read it, and stuff.

I tried something new here...which isn't saying much, considering that I don't write too much. Well, here's the first segment...and stuff.

[edit] New readers: a revised and better version of this fic can be found in the 19th post (With the navy text).


<hr width="77%" align=left size=1>

My name was Jewell. Yeah, that's right -- guess what I did for a living. Uh huh...I was a jeweler. Yeah, just like my father, my father's father, his father's father...and so on. It stretches back quite a few generations -- I mean, whaddya expect? People haven't been named after their professions in quite a while.

Ya heard me right, by the way. My name was Jewell. Sharik Jewel, to be exact. Yeah, I realize I'm talking in the past tense -- there's a damned good reason for that, too. I'm dead, ya see.

That's right...I'm dead. Boo.

Heh. Ghosts are supposed to say that, right? Hey, laugh when I make a joke! Hmph, no appreciation for humor. You're like all these dead-weights around here...

Get it? Dead-weights? Aw, forget it. No appreciation, I say.

Although, really, being dead ain't so bad. It's kinda cozy here...nice and dark...and peaceful. And there's lots of company. The living world ain't got much on this place, really...

...

Well, maybe a few things. Not a whole lot, mind ya. I mean, there, ya got squallor, disease, filth, strife...all that jazz we don't have to worry about here. Heh. In the living world, you bust your ass every day and stress and strain to eke out a living. You fight against time, never having enough to do all ya want, always rushed to do what ya don't want. Nah, no thanks...I'm through with all that crap.

Really, the only thing that place has got that still interests me is my women.

What, what? Ya think I'm sort of player? I should hit ya for that...except I'm dead, yeah. Damn incorporealness. Geeze! I was talking about my wife and daughter.

Well, okay, honestly...she ain't really my wife. We never did get married. Details, details. Heh. I was too busy getting lost in her eyes to worry about such details, and then it kinda got too damn late.

Those eyes. Heh heh...those eyes got me into some trouble, lemme tell ya. They got me into this whole damn mess in the first place. Those beautiful, deep, sparkling blue eyes...

Ladon! I'm a fool, ya know that? Yeah? Hey, shuddup.

Hmph. Ya know, my father always told me -- "All humans are troublesome, but non-humans are worse." Man, he was right. Talk about Trouble with a capital T -- that's what this woman was! Dammit, I wouldn't be dead if it weren't for her...if I'd just listened to dad's age-old advice...heh. Well, as Mom always said -- "Logic is no match for the strength of the heart."

Terribly sappy, ain't it? She was right, though. And it got me killed.

-=-=-=-

Wanna hear more? Alright, then...fine. I got nothing better to do.

Trouble came into town one night when I was around twenty...something. Well, maybe she came in earlier...I don't know, I never asked her -- wasn't exactly important to me at the time. The point is, I first saw her around then.

I'd gone down to old Arvon's to get me some quality ale --the other places around Myrdel, they ain't so great-- and anyway somehow Arvon had managed to snag some chick performer. In the dingy, smoke-filled, noisy-ass room, she stood out like...like the finest blue sapphire, set in crudely hammered brass.

She was a performer, and man, it was high-class stuff she was doing. Okay, so her little bit of juggling and illusion, that wasn't that big a deal...though it wasn't too shabby, either. Nah, it was her singing and dancing that was really extraordinary.

Her voice was like a siren's...I felt intoxicated before I even took a sip of my drink. She sang songs I'd never heard before...in such a curious, foreign tongue...I could only assume it was an elvish language. Her elegant, pointed ears marked her as a non-human. An elf from topside, I could assume.

When she danced...wow. She was a sheer flurry of colorful clothes and graceful limbs...as speedy and agile as any story describes elves. And her hair...as she danced and spun, her hair flared about her in a circle, rippling like an ocean wave.

Man, like I said...Trouble with a capital T. But as I mentioned before, what really got me into trouble was those eyes. They're blue, like her hair...like the purest, most expensive sapphires in all of Draco. They sparkle like diamonds in the light, with a vibrant life of their own. And man, when Trouble stares at ya with those eyes...it feels like she's seeing straight through to the very core of your very being. And you can't do anything but stare back, and hope she approves of what she sees...

Well, while Trouble was up there dancing and having a merry time, she happened to look my way. Our eyes met...she was staring straight at me.

And she smiled.

-=-=-=-
<p><div style="text-align:center">

---

"On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me...an F.N.W.C.!"
-- VampireJesterJinx (VA by...Dia! :D!)</div>

---

<span style="font-size:xx-small;">Barge: *raises his sword* Game... *twirls it* Set... *smirk*
Big Fat Chocobo: *a big fat chocobo falls on the demon Barge* ^)-(^
Hakaril: .......Dia? Did YOU do that?
Rydia: *stares* o_O ...I think so.
Hakaril: ...that's great!
Richard: O.O WOAH. Remind me NEVER to get YOU mad, Dia. O.O;;;;
Raptre: HAAAAAAA HAAAAAAA!!!!!!
Idran: So remember everyone. Crushing works good on demons.</span></p>Edited by: pd Rydia&nbsp; at: 1/9/03 1:48:20 am

Mmmmmmmmm.... I could sure go for some trouble right about now.

Well done Sis. Very voicy, very full of character. If there are flaws in mechanics, I didnae notice 'em.


I know who that is, and she owes me a duet now. <p><div style="text-align:center"> </div></p>

I had ta open the store the next day, but I stayed at the bar all night, waiting for a chance to talk to the dancer girl. A lot of time passed before I finally got my chance, just as the bar was about to close.

So yeah, we talked for a while. When I asked, the girl said her name was Blue. Heh, what kind of name is that, eh? I laughed, and told her she didn't need to give me a stage name. She just smiled.

We talked quite a long time. About all what, I dunno. Stuff. I did most of the talking, to be honest. I told her all about the jewelery store, and how I had just inherited it, how the family had kept it going through thick and thin over generations, since the settlement of Myrdel...I was bragging, I guess.

I don't think she really minded, though. She seemed interested, anyway...she asked me questions incessantly, with open, childlike curiousity. She asked about some of the simplest things...like how life was lived in the dome, and about professions and trades, and such whatnot. I guessed that, being an elf, she didn't know about all this stuff.

To be quite honest, she kind of acted like a child. The way she talked, the way she bounced around, the way she jumped up and gave me a hug before leaving for the night...it reminded me of a little girl. But I knew better. Her eyes told a completely different story from everything else...her eyes revealed her age and maturity.

-=-=-=-

I came back to see her perform the next night, and we talked after the show. And we did this for a while. Every night I asked her what her name was. After about a week, she decided to answer me.

I remember it well. The bar had been closed down, all the other patrons chased out. Avron was taking a break from giving me baleful glares to check on something in the back. Trouble seized the opportunity...and my shoulder, pulling me down so that she could whisper her name in my ear.

"Siz."

She pushed me away again, grinning like mad, and Avron barked out my name. I turned around to see him glowering in my direction. He was generous enough to let me say my goodbye to Trouble before kicking me out.

-=-=-=- <p><div style="text-align:center">

---

"On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me...an F.N.W.C.!"
-- VampireJesterJinx (VA by...Dia! :D!)</div>

---

<span style="font-size:xx-small;">Barge: *raises his sword* Game... *twirls it* Set... *smirk*
Big Fat Chocobo: *a big fat chocobo falls on the demon Barge* ^)-(^
Hakaril: .......Dia? Did YOU do that?
Rydia: *stares* o_O ...I think so.
Hakaril: ...that's great!
Richard: O.O WOAH. Remind me NEVER to get YOU mad, Dia. O.O;;;;
Raptre: HAAAAAAA HAAAAAAA!!!!!!
Idran: So remember everyone. Crushing works good on demons.</span></p>

Nice bit, there. Repeat all previous compliments. No technical errors that I could root out.


She still owes me a duet. <p><div style="text-align:center"> </div></p>Edited by: [url=http://pub30.ezboard.com/brpgww60462.showUserPublicProfile?gid=unclepervy@rpgww60462>Uncle]&nbsp; at: 12/20/02 9:51:25 pm

Yep... the character shows through nicely. Wuvvy it. It makes it a light, easy read, and you can get into it well.... like the guy is telling it TO the reader...

...um, so much for trying for 'professional writer's criticism'.

*dances*

YAY MOMMA!

I was positively tipsy when I went home that night. It stayed that way, too...up until the following night.

So like usual, I went to Avron's to meet Trouble. Only thing was, she wasn't there.

I stormed over to Avron to ask where she'd gone. He told me she'd packed up to move on that morning, and left just a few hours ago.

Well, I did something. I don't remember what. I suspect it was hot-headed and not too bright -- probably involved yelling, some choice profanity, and perhaps some physical violence. I say this because the next thing I remember clearly was being tossed out of the bar roughly by two of Avron's burliest employees.

I trudged home, completely downtrodden. My life, as I knew it, had ended...my heart was crushed, and I was doomed to a cruel life of loneliness and sorrow. I had myself quite worked up, ya see. Ya can probably imagine my surprise, then, when I found Trouble herself waiting on the very doorstep to my home.

-=-=-=-

That woman. Seriously, she could have warned me! Trouble told me she wanted to, yesterday, but Avron had interrupted. Figures.

So I asked her if she was really going. She said yes, but she wanted to talk to me first. Could we please go somewhere to sit down and talk about it?

A flash of anger crossed me, and I debated right then and there to tell her no. Then, maybe, she'd stay...go back to Avron, keep performing there, and after a while, we could go back to talking every night, and...things'd stay the same forever.

But, yeah, it didn't take me long to figure out that was a crackpot plan. And she was looking up at me with those damn eyes of hers. I just couldn't turn her down.

We walked down the street, to a little bakery I like to go to in the mornings. I got us some coffee, and we sat down to talk. It was stilted conversation for a while. Then, Trouble looked at me with those wretched eyes of hers, and flew into a narrative.

Her full name was Sizreina Yuo Baseton, and she was looking for her brother...Will something or other. She was in Myrdel searching for him, and now that her scan of the dome was complete, she had to move on to continue her search. She'd made a promise, you see. And he was the only family she had left. She had to do this.

She kept emphasizing that. That she had to do this, that she had to search for her brother. Quite honestly, I was feeling kinda bitter, and wasn't feeling too charitable. And I...kinda said some things I really shouldn't have.

Ladon, I regretted it as soon as I saw her eyes. They were so full of hurt...those eyes weren't made to be sad! Then, what happened next was...

I...I don't know how to describe it. All the sudden...Trouble was standing up, and she...had wings. Silvery-blue, feathered wings...I guess she planned on flying away. Heh, wings! I swear, she always had something new in her little bag of tricks. Only, this trick wasn't such a good idea...

Just as she looked ready to take off, a group of punks from a table over stood up, knocking their table over in the process. One of them screamed out something like "demon," and another "dragon," and the third leaped at Trouble, pulling a dagger outta nowhere and slashing her!

He got a couple of good slices in before I...incapacitated him. His buddies were setting in on me and Trouble by then, but I screamed them down. How dare they attack an avian elf? Were they not thinking? Throughout all of Draco's history elvenkind had helped the human race!

The twits weren't even thinking. They looked terribly chagrined, and scampered off. I woulda given them some things to remember, if I wasn't so concerned with Trouble. As it was, I wanted to get out of the public and get her somewhere safe.

I bandaged her up as best I could, with strips of cloth torn from my shirt, and carried her back to my home. I cleaned her wounds and rebandaged them with better cloth...I don't have a doctor's touch, but she didn't complain. When I was done fixing her up, we just kinda stared at each other for a while.

I'm sorry, we both said at the same time. Trouble giggled, grinning lopsidedly.

I asked her, you're really a dragon, aren't you? No, she said. The proper word for her race was ryuujin.

I wanted to ask her more, but by then, there came a knock at the door. I went to answer it, and found myself face to face with a police detachment.

Damn crime reports.

-=-=-=- <p><div style="text-align:center">

---

"On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me...an F.N.W.C.!"
-- VampireJesterJinx (VA by...Dia! :D!)</div>

---

<span style="font-size:xx-small;">Barge: *raises his sword* Game... *twirls it* Set... *smirk*
Big Fat Chocobo: *a big fat chocobo falls on the demon Barge* ^)-(^
Hakaril: .......Dia? Did YOU do that?
Rydia: *stares* o_O ...I think so.
Hakaril: ...that's great!
Richard: O.O WOAH. Remind me NEVER to get YOU mad, Dia. O.O;;;;
Raptre: HAAAAAAA HAAAAAAA!!!!!!
Idran: So remember everyone. Crushing works good on demons.</span></p>

That ending line is great! ^^

Nice bit of action, really stirs stuff up well! I'm wondering how it's gonna go with the police, now. All kinds of potential in that scene. Especially if they're been Pervy-trained like Doma's guards are ^_~

I still want that duet. <p><div style="text-align:center"> </div></p>

Sorry to disappoint you, bro, but alas...I didn't go into too much detail. ={{{ I might later, if you feel it'd add to the story, after I finish posting up the rest of it.

::wants to put the whole thing up, but likes breaks between the installments for people to rest their eyes in:: <p><div style="text-align:center">

---

"On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me...an F.N.W.C.!"
-- VampireJesterJinx (VA by...Dia! :D!)</div>

---

<span style="font-size:xx-small;">Barge: *raises his sword* Game... *twirls it* Set... *smirk*
Big Fat Chocobo: *a big fat chocobo falls on the demon Barge* ^)-(^
Hakaril: .......Dia? Did YOU do that?
Rydia: *stares* o_O ...I think so.
Hakaril: ...that's great!
Richard: O.O WOAH. Remind me NEVER to get YOU mad, Dia. O.O;;;;
Raptre: HAAAAAAA HAAAAAAA!!!!!!
Idran: So remember everyone. Crushing works good on demons.</span></p>

It took me a while to satisfy the cops' need for inane detail, and convince them that I didn't want to press any damn charges. By the time I got back inside, Trouble was already up and about, investigating everything in my living room. Geeze, that girl.

It took some convincing to get her to sit down. Finally did, though. Then we got to talking.

This time, she did the majority of the talking, and I was asking questions. It was no wonder she'd been so quiet about herself before...Myrdel wasn't known for its tolerance of ryuujin. But Trouble, she was finally talking about herself, and her past.

She told me about her family...of how time had claimed the lives of her parents and older brother. She told me of how she had been separated by her brother through mischance.. She told me of her childhood, and how close she and Will had been. She talked about her travels while she searched for Will...

The words bubbled out of her mouth as if she'd been waiting years to say them, to find someone to share her stories with. I held her, and I listened.

-=-=-=-

She stayed for a while. It was a squeeze with my partial income, but I supported her. Come on, she had to stay some place while she healed!

So she stayed a little longer than absolutely necessary...what do you expect? I mean...ah, hell, nevermind. That's none of your business.

One day, though, she took me completely by surprise. Again. Out of the blue, she turned to me and said: "Come with me! We can search for Will together!"

I was shocked. Come with her? To gods know where, searching for some ryuujin we didn't know even existed? I had a better idea...or, at least I thought I did, at the time. I told her to stay with me.

And, well...she bit me.

Right on the shoulder!

Then, she hugged me tightly. She understood...I was the only one left to take care of the shop...and I had to take care of it. It'd been in the family for generations...there was no just giving it up, just like that. Not for the sake of some wild goose-chase.

Trouble was making up excuses for me. They sounded...so empty and hollow. I should have realized then...instead, I nodded, agreeing with her excuses silently.

But suddenly...Trouble brightened, . There weren't that many places left on Draco to search...soon, she'd have every inch of the world covered in her search for her brother! So that meant, pretty soon, she'd find him! In a few months, even.

So, in a few months --or sooner if she was lucky!-- she'd find Will. And when she did, she'd be free to come back here...heck, she might drag Will along with her. It'd be his fault for getting himself lost, ya know. And then we could be together again...it'd only be a short time apart.

It sounded good, but I agreed reluctantly. Something seemed...wrong. The proverbial whistles were sounding in my head, and red flags raising in my heart..

Ya know, Mom always said to listen to your instincts about these things.

Oh, Ladon, I wish I'd listened!

-=-=-=- <p><div style="text-align:center">

---

"On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me...an F.N.W.C.!"
-- VampireJesterJinx (VA by...Dia! :D!)</div>

---

<span style="font-size:xx-small;">Barge: *raises his sword* Game... *twirls it* Set... *smirk*
Big Fat Chocobo: *a big fat chocobo falls on the demon Barge* ^)-(^
Hakaril: .......Dia? Did YOU do that?
Rydia: *stares* o_O ...I think so.
Hakaril: ...that's great!
Richard: O.O WOAH. Remind me NEVER to get YOU mad, Dia. O.O;;;;
Raptre: HAAAAAAA HAAAAAAA!!!!!!
Idran: So remember everyone. Crushing works good on demons.</span></p>Edited by: pd Rydia&nbsp; at: 12/20/02 10:04:46 pm

I think it would add a nice hint of Tension, with him having to answer questions, and Siz trying to to stay hidden with her wounds and all. Or having to deflect suspicion from the police.

As for the lastest installation. very nice. One minor flaw I noted.

-She told me about her family...of how time had claimed the lives of many of her parents and older brother

How many parents did she have? Or do they go by the crazy Ryuuzoku system of everyone being related to everyone?

I really do suggest adding that scene; this following it would gain a lot more with the sense of relief that would accompany them escaping the law. <p><div style="text-align:center"> </div></p>

THanks bro, I fixed that. XD What a typo.

And I'll see about adding that scene when I get all the rest up. ::nods:: Thanks. ^_^ ::huggle:: <p><div style="text-align:center">

---

"On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me...an F.N.W.C.!"
-- VampireJesterJinx (VA by...Dia! :D!)</div>

---

<span style="font-size:xx-small;">Barge: *raises his sword* Game... *twirls it* Set... *smirk*
Big Fat Chocobo: *a big fat chocobo falls on the demon Barge* ^)-(^
Hakaril: .......Dia? Did YOU do that?
Rydia: *stares* o_O ...I think so.
Hakaril: ...that's great!
Richard: O.O WOAH. Remind me NEVER to get YOU mad, Dia. O.O;;;;
Raptre: HAAAAAAA HAAAAAAA!!!!!!
Idran: So remember everyone. Crushing works good on demons.</span></p>

Well...Trouble left, and weeks passed. Months. Then several months. Many more months than Trouble and I had originally planned. I worried and worried. I was ecstatic when I came home one day to find her waiting outside the door.

I was a little surprised at the, err, bundle she was carrying. I hoped that wasn't what I thought it was...

Shit. It was.

Well, I must say...we had one lovely, lively little daughter. She had her mothers little pointed ears, feathery wings, and startling eyes. But those eyes were a blue-green, and they were set in a face with features that were all too familiar from family photos. Too, her little whisps of hair were a flaming red, matching my own.

Trouble looked nervous, and after my initial shock, we hurried on inside.

Once safely inside, she filled me in on the details.

-=-=-=-

She'd had troubles on the way here. Apparently, she'd been harrassed by some bonafide Myrdel "demon-hunters" ever since she left my home. I knew she shoulda stayed. She'd had to use a great deal of skill and magic to sneak her way back to my house without being tracked.

Our daughter was barely a few weeks old. Trouble explained that Little Trouble was too young to shapeshift to hide her wings. Little Trouble also had problems with keeping her third eye shut.

Ya see, ryuujin got this funny thing to them. They got a third eye...right smack dab in the middle of their forehead. It's freaky. It's completely unnoticeable when the eye is shut, however...and it's almost always shut, you see.

Except when they're babies. That little baby just could not keep that third eye shut. Freaky shit. I've seen Trouble's third eye before, and it spooked me out, too...she kept it shut most of the time, sometimes she tied a bandana over it to hide it. A family trick. The baby, however, did no such thing.

It was kinda cute, that kid. Excuse me, she. She was cute...even if she kept flicking open that damned eye of hers. But, ya kinda get used to it with time...

Trouble and I talked. Just like old times. We caught up on the last few months' happenings, sitting there in my living room, watching Little Trouble sleep.

Trouble still hadn't found her brother. What a surprise.

Her eyes told me story before she did. She was going to keep searching for her brother. Somehow, in some way, she needed to find him.

I think I finally understood. I mean...I've never had any brothers or sisters, but if Trouble ever got lost, I think I'd search all of Draco to find her. If she lost me, I was certain she'd do the same thing.

Of course, I didn't ask her to stay this time...though I wanted to. I wasn't too keen on being a single father, but Trouble's spirit would not let her rest just yet, and the little one was safer with me.

Within a week, Trouble was gone again.

-=-=-=- <p><div style="text-align:center">

---

"On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me...an F.N.W.C.!"
-- VampireJesterJinx (VA by...Dia! :D!)</div>

---

<span style="font-size:xx-small;">Barge: *raises his sword* Game... *twirls it* Set... *smirk*
Big Fat Chocobo: *a big fat chocobo falls on the demon Barge* ^)-(^
Hakaril: .......Dia? Did YOU do that?
Rydia: *stares* o_O ...I think so.
Hakaril: ...that's great!
Richard: O.O WOAH. Remind me NEVER to get YOU mad, Dia. O.O;;;;
Raptre: HAAAAAAA HAAAAAAA!!!!!!
Idran: So remember everyone. Crushing works good on demons.</span></p>

Nice.

That third eye bit could play into the police scene I keep harping about nicely.

More please ^_^ <p><div style="text-align:center"> </div></p>

It wasn't all that bad, though. I've got a few friends, and one of them, Sharon, just so happened to be an old, trustworthy acquaintance of mine. She helped me with Little Trouble. And Big Trouble revisted periodically, whenever she thought it was safe. She was there to watch Little Trouble grow up...kinda.

She never had any success finding her brother, and it was frustrating her. I think, one night, she was on the brink of giving up the search completely. That night, she was finally going to decide to call off her hunt and stay in Myrdel, with me and our daughter.

Unfortunately, that was the night the hunters found her out.

We were talking in the living room. Sharon had taken the little one for the night, so Trouble and I could have some "alone time". Unfortunately, those damned fanatics had no respect for that.

They crashed into my home, a good three or four of them...I don't remember the exact number. I didn't have a whole lot of time to notice such details. I had just enough time to whip out my pistol, shove Trouble to the floor behind me, and get out a few good shots. Damn good shots, if I say so myself. I barely felt the hot lead tearing through my flesh, but I did feel the warm blood running down my chest.

My aim was steady and true...all four of the bastards...or was it three? Hell. Whatever. They were dead, that's all that mattered to me. Of course, I kinda was, too. Well, not quite yet. Trouble was struggling to cast a healing spell on me...but she didn't have anything strong enough to mend a ripped lung. Even if she had, she wouldn't have been able to cleanse it of the blood anyway...

I think I fell to my knees. Trouble bounced up and hugged me tightly...probably got her clothes all bloody. A real shame, she always wore such pretty clothes...

That's what she gets, though. This was all her fault, after all. Heh. I really hope she finds her brother. It'd be a shame if I went through all of this for nothing. Hey, maybe he'll help her raise our daughter...

Heh. Dear Ladon...I loved her. I still do, honestly. One of these days, I'll see her again...

Sizreina Baseton. Take care of yourself, love. I'll see you again, when the time comes. <p><div style="text-align:center">

---

"On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me...an F.N.W.C.!"
-- VampireJesterJinx (VA by...Dia! :D!)</div>

---

<span style="font-size:xx-small;">Barge: *raises his sword* Game... *twirls it* Set... *smirk*
Big Fat Chocobo: *a big fat chocobo falls on the demon Barge* ^)-(^
Hakaril: .......Dia? Did YOU do that?
Rydia: *stares* o_O ...I think so.
Hakaril: ...that's great!
Richard: O.O WOAH. Remind me NEVER to get YOU mad, Dia. O.O;;;;
Raptre: HAAAAAAA HAAAAAAA!!!!!!
Idran: So remember everyone. Crushing works good on demons.</span></p>

Hmmm....

Conflicted now.

If this is the end of it... I have a suggestion to make.

Some of this should be in present situation. The main weakness of the story that by being retold, you lose a lot of immediacy and a lot of actual dialogue. We never get drawn into a scene too much, because the scene is just narrated, rather than shown.

My suggestion is that you mix the two styles; narrative and present showing. Take the key scenes, like Sizreina's first appearance, the gunfight and so on, and write them as actual present tense scenes. Then use Jewell's narration to segue between those scenes.

Now, you don't have to do this, and the story would be perfectly good on it's own. But by fleshing out the scenes and presenting them rather than narrating them, I feel the story could gain an awful lot.

However, it also becomes a series of linked flashbacks. Ponder if that is what you want.

So, keep an original copy, and try rewriting another as I suggest. I believe it will be worth your effort. <p><div style="text-align:center"> </div></p>

It's and interesting style of narrative, one you don't too often see. The voice had a lot of character and sometimes I think it has too much character and it drug the movement of the story down a bit. The way he often addressed the viewer was one of the ways it dragged but it moved faster and better towards the second half where you really go into the flow and didn't do that as much. I wasn't so sure about continuously calling Sizreina "Trouble", I think he made the point well at the beginning. Maybe a few reminders in the middle and end to reiterate but by calling her Trouble I didn't really get the feeling of how close he actually was to her. You did good in compensating for that in the text, which is why I have no doubt he did love her but I still would rather there be more emotion I guess. Imagery was pretty good and the story flowed well generally. <p>

---

Words to live by:
OMG PRIAM: ninja sex would be neither felt nor seen by either partner
OMG PRIAM: each would just suddenly need a smoke
Holiday Love:
Don't eat the yellow, red, black, brown, green.....If the snow at white don't eat it.</p>

Thanks for the feedback. ^_^

And suggestions on a title for this piece? <p>

---

<span style="font-size:xx-small;">Barge: *raises his sword* Game... *twirls it* Set... *smirk*
Big Fat Chocobo: *a big fat chocobo falls on the demon Barge* ^)-(^
Rydia: ...and...squish?
Hakaril: .......Dia? Did YOU do that?
Rydia: *stares* o_O ...I think so.
Hakaril: ...that's great!
Richard: O.O WOAH. Remind me NEVER to get YOU mad, Dia. O.O;;;;
Raptre: HAAAAAAA HAAAAAAA!!!!!!
Idran: So remember everyone. Crushing works good on demons.</span></p>

No End of Trouble <p><div style="text-align:center"> </div></p>

Revision one (I plan on others, if yonder readership feels they're called for). I tried to mark all changes in navy but I might have missed some.

---

<small>My name was Jewell. Yeah, that's right -- guess what I did for a living. Uh huh...I was a jeweler. Yeah, just like my father, my father's father, his father's father...and so on. It stretches back quite a few generations -- I mean, whaddya expect? People haven't been named after their professions in quite a while.

Ya heard me right, by the way. My name was Jewell. Sharik Jewel, to be exact. Yeah, I realize I'm talking in the past tense -- there's a damned good reason for that, too. I'm dead, ya see.

That's right...I'm dead. Boo.

Heh. Ghosts are supposed to say that, right? Hey, laugh when I make a joke! Hmph, no appreciation for humor. You're like all these dead-weights around here...

Get it? Dead-weights? Aw, forget it. No appreciation, I say.

Although, really, being dead ain't so bad. It's kinda cozy here...nice and dark...and peaceful. And there's lots of company. The living world ain't got much on this place, really...

...

Well, maybe a few things. Not a whole lot, mind ya. I mean, there, ya got squallor, disease, filth, strife...all that jazz we don't have to worry about here. Heh. In the living world, you bust your ass every day and stress and strain to eke out a living. You fight against time, never having enough to do all ya want, always rushed to do what ya don't want. Nah, no thanks...I'm through with all that crap.

Really, the only thing that place has got that still interests me is my women.

What, what? Ya think I'm sort of player? I should hit ya for that...except I'm dead, yeah. Damn incorporealness. Geeze! I was talking about my wife and daughter.

Well, okay, honestly...she ain't really my wife. We never did get married. Details, details. Heh. I was too busy getting lost in her eyes to worry about such details, and then it kinda got too damn late.

Those eyes. Heh heh...those eyes got me into some trouble, lemme tell ya. They got me into this whole damn mess in the first place. Those beautiful, deep, sparkling blue eyes...

Ladon! I'm a fool, ya know that? Yeah? Hey, shuddup.

Hmph. Ya know, my father always told me -- "All humans are troublesome, but non-humans are worse." Man, he was right. Talk about Trouble with a capital T -- that's what this woman was! Dammit, I wouldn't be dead if it weren't for her...if I'd just listened to dad's age-old advice...heh. Well, as Mom always said -- "Logic is no match for the strength of the heart."

Terribly sappy, ain't it? She was right, though. And it got me killed.

-=-=-=-

Wanna hear more? Alright, then...fine. I got nothing better to do.

Trouble came into town one night when I was around twenty...something. Well, maybe she came in earlier...I don't know, I never asked her -- wasn't exactly important to me at the time. The point is, I first saw her around then.

I'd gone down to old Arvon's to get me some quality ale --the other places around Myrdel, they ain't so great-- and anyway somehow Arvon had managed to snag some chick performer. In the dingy, smoke-filled, noisy-ass room, she stood out like...like the finest blue sapphire, set in crudely hammered brass.

She was a performer, and man, it was high-class stuff she was doing. Okay, so her little bit of juggling and illusion, that wasn't that big a deal...though it wasn't too shabby, either. Nah, it was her singing and dancing that was really extraordinary.

Her voice was like a siren's...I felt intoxicated before I even took a sip of my drink. She sang songs I'd never heard before...in such a curious, foreign tongue...I could only assume it was an elvish language. Her elegant, pointed ears marked her as a non-human. An elf from topside, I could assume.

When she danced...wow. She was a sheer flurry of colorful clothes and graceful limbs...as speedy and agile as any story describes elves. And her hair...as she danced and spun, her hair flared about her in a circle, rippling like an ocean wave.

Man, like I said...Trouble with a capital T. But as I mentioned before, what really got me into trouble was those eyes. They're blue, like her hair...like the purest, most expensive sapphires in all of Draco. They sparkle like diamonds in the light, with a vibrant life of their own. And man, when Trouble stares at ya with those eyes...it feels like she's seeing straight through to the very core of your very being. And you can't do anything but stare back, and hope she approves of what she sees...

Well, while Trouble was up there dancing and having a merry time, she happened to look my way. Our eyes met...she was staring straight at me.

And she smiled.

-=-=-=-

I had ta open the store the next day, but I stayed at the bar all night, waiting for a chance to talk to the dancer girl. A lot of time passed before I finally got my chance, just as the bar was about to close.

So yeah, we talked for a while. When I asked, the girl said her name was Blue. Heh, what kind of name is that, eh? I laughed, and told her she didn't need to give me a stage name. She just smiled.

We talked quite a long time. About all what, I dunno. Stuff. I did most of the talking, to be honest. I told her all about the jewelery store, and how I had just inherited it, how the family had kept it going through thick and thin over generations, since the settlement of Myrdel...I was bragging, I guess.

I don't think she really minded, though. She seemed interested, anyway...she asked me questions incessantly, with open, childlike curiousity. She asked about some of the simplest things...like how life was lived in the dome, and about professions and trades, and such whatnot. I guessed that, being an elf, she didn't know about all this stuff.

To be quite honest, she kind of acted like a child. The way she talked, the way she bounced around, the way she jumped up and gave me a hug before leaving for the night...it reminded me of a little girl. But I knew better. Her eyes told a completely different story from everything else...her eyes revealed her age and maturity.

-=-=-=-

I came back to see her perform the next night, and we talked after the show. And we did this for a while. Every night I asked her what her name was. After about a week, she decided to answer me.

I remember it well. The bar had been closed down, all the other patrons chased out. Avron was taking a break from giving me baleful glares to check on something in the back. Trouble seized the opportunity...and my shoulder, pulling me down so that she could whisper her name in my ear.

<span style="color:navy;">"Sizreina."</span>

She pushed me away again, grinning like mad, and Avron barked out my name. I turned around to see him glowering in my direction. He was generous enough to let me say my goodbye to Trouble before kicking me out.

-=-=-=-

<span style="color:navy;">Sizreina -- what a beautiful name!</span> I was positively tipsy when I went home that night. It stayed that way, too...up until the following night.

Like usual, I went to Avron's to meet <span style="color:navy;">Siz</span>. Only thing was, she wasn't there.

I stormed over to Avron to ask where she'd gone. He told me she'd packed up to move on that morning, and left just a few hours ago.

Well, I did something. I don't remember what. I suspect it was hot-headed and not too bright -- probably involved yelling, some choice profanity, and perhaps some physical violence. I say this because the next thing I remember clearly was being tossed out of the bar roughly by two of Avron's burliest employees.

I trudged home, completely downtrodden. My life, as I knew it, had ended...my heart was crushed, and I was doomed to a cruel life of loneliness and sorrow. I had myself quite worked up, ya see. Ya can probably imagine my surprise, then, when I found Trouble herself waiting on the very doorstep to my home.

-=-=-=-

That woman. Seriously, she could have warned me! Trouble told me she wanted to, yesterday, but Avron had interrupted. Figures.

So I asked her if she was really going. She said yes, but she wanted to talk to me first. Could we please go somewhere to sit down and talk about it?

A flash of anger crossed me, and I debated right then and there to tell her no. Then, maybe, she'd stay...go back to Avron, keep performing there, and after a while, we could go back to talking every night, and...things'd stay the same forever.

But, yeah, it didn't take me long to figure out that was a crackpot plan. And she was looking up at me with those damn eyes of hers. I just couldn't turn her down.

We walked down the street, to a little bakery I like to go to in the mornings. I got us some coffee, and we sat down to talk. It was stilted conversation for a while. Then, Trouble looked at me with those wretched eyes of hers, and flew into a narrative.

Her full name was Sizreina Yuo Baseton, and she was looking for her brother...Will something or other. She was in Myrdel searching for him, and now that her scan of the dome was complete, she had to move on to continue her search. She'd made a promise, you see. And he was the only family she had left. She had to do this.

She kept emphasizing that. That she had to do this, that she had to search for her brother. Quite honestly, I was feeling kinda bitter, and wasn't feeling too charitable. And I...kinda said some things I really shouldn't have.

Ladon, I regretted it as soon as I saw her eyes. They were so full of hurt...those eyes weren't made to be sad! Then, what happened next was...

I...I don't know how to describe it. All the sudden...<span style="color:navy;">Siz</span> was standing up, and she...had wings. Silvery-blue, feathered wings...I guess she planned on flying away. Heh, wings! I swear, she always had something new in her little bag of tricks. Only, this trick wasn't such a good idea...

Just as she looked ready to take off, a group of punks from a table over stood up, knocking their table over in the process. One of them screamed out something like "demon," and another "dragon," and the third leaped at <span style="color:navy;">Siz</span>, pulling a dagger outta nowhere and slashing her!

He got a couple of good slices in before I...incapacitated him. His buddies were setting in on me and Trouble by then, but I screamed them down. How dare they attack an avian elf? Were they not thinking? Throughout all of Draco's history elvenkind had helped the human race!

The twits weren't even thinking. They looked terribly chagrined, and scampered off. I woulda given them some things to remember, if I wasn't so concerned with <span style="color:navy;">Sizreina</span>. As it was, I wanted to get out of the public and get her somewhere safe.

I bandaged her up as best I could, with strips of cloth torn from my shirt, and carried her back to my home. I cleaned her wounds and rebandaged them with better cloth...I don't have a doctor's touch, but she didn't complain. When I was done fixing her up, we just kinda stared at each other for a while.

I'm sorry, we both said at the same time. Trouble giggled, grinning lopsidedly.

I asked her, you're really a dragon, aren't you? No, she said. The proper word for her race was ryuujin.

I wanted to ask her more, but by then, there came a knock at the door. I went to answer it, and found myself face to face with a police detachment.

Damn crime reports.<font color=navy>

-=-=-=-

There were three cops there. Three! Geeze. I stepped outside the house, to stand on the porch while they grilled me relentlessly.

Yes, some young punks had just attacked my girlfriend and me down at the coffeeshop. Yeah, I’d roughed them up a little. I mean, come one, they attacked me! It was all in self defense, I didn’t do anything particularly harmful.

Yeah, Siz just happened to have wings. No, she was not a dragon…she was an avian elf. Come on.

No, she didn’t start it! The guys just leapt outta nowhere and started fighting!

No, they certainly could NOT talk to Trouble about the matter – she needed her rest, dammit! She was hurt!

No, I did NOT want to press charges.

No, neither did Siz…NO they couldn’t ask her themselves. Didn’t I tell them she needed her rest?

Could they come back later? Yeah, I guess, I told them. I immediately regretted it. What was I gonna do if they came back while Siz wasn’t able to hide her race?

When, they asked me. I never got to answer. Just then, one of the cops had his walky-talky go off…they were needed elsewhere. They said they’d come back later, and headed off.

Good riddance.

-=-=-=-

By </font>the time I got back inside, Trouble was already up and about, investigating everything in my living room. Geeze, that girl.

It took some convincing to get her to sit down. Finally did, though. Then we got to talking.

This time, she did the majority of the talking, and I was asking questions. It was no wonder she'd been so quiet about herself before...Myrdel wasn't known for its tolerance of ryuujin. But <span style="color:navy;">Siz</span>, she was finally talking about herself, and her past.

She told me about her family...of how time had claimed the lives of her parents and older brother. She told me of how she had been separated by her brother through mischance.. She told me of her childhood, and how close she and Will had been. She talked about her travels while she searched for Will...

The words bubbled out of her mouth as if she'd been waiting years to say them, to find someone to share her stories with. I held her, and I listened.

-=-=-=-

She stayed for a while. It was a squeeze with my partial income, but I supported her. Come on, she had to stay some place while she healed!

So she stayed a little longer than absolutely necessary...what do you expect? I mean...ah, hell, nevermind. That's none of your business. <font color=navy>Lucky for us, the cops never came back...the police are like that in Myrdel.</font>

One day, <span style="color:navy;">Siz</span> took me completely by surprise. Again. Out of the blue, she turned to me and said: "Come with me! We can search for Will together!"

I was shocked. Come with her? To gods know where, searching for some ryuujin we didn't know even existed? I had a better idea...or, at least I thought I did, at the time. I told her to stay with me.

And, well...she bit me.

Right on the shoulder!

Then, she hugged me tightly. She understood...I was the only one left to take care of the shop...and I had to take care of it. It'd been in the family for generations...there was no just giving it up, just like that. Not for the sake of some wild goose-chase.

<span style="color:navy;">Siz</span> was making up excuses for me. They sounded...so empty and hollow. I should have realized then...instead, I nodded, agreeing with her excuses silently.

But suddenly...<span style="color:navy;">Siz</span> brightened, . There weren't that many places left on Draco to search...soon, she'd have every inch of the world covered in her search for her brother! So that meant, pretty soon, she'd find him! In a few months, even.

So, in a few months --or sooner if she was lucky!-- she'd find Will. And when she did, she'd be free to come back here...heck, she might drag Will along with her. It'd be his fault for getting himself lost, ya know. And then we could be together again...it'd only be a short time apart.

It sounded good, but I agreed reluctantly. Something seemed...wrong. The proverbial whistles were sounding in my head, and red flags raising in my heart.

Ya know, Mom always said to listen to your instincts about these things.

Oh, Ladon, I wish I'd listened!

-=-=-=-

Well...<span style="color:navy;">Sizreina</span> left, and weeks passed. Months. Then several months. Many more months than <span style="color:navy;">Siz</span> and I had originally planned. I worried and worried. I was ecstatic when I came home one day to find her waiting outside the door.

I was a little surprised at the, err, bundle she was carrying. I hoped that wasn't what I thought it was...

Shit. It was.

Well, I must say...we had one lovely, lively little daughter. She had her mothers little pointed ears, feathery wings, and startling eyes. But those eyes were a blue-green, and they were set in a face with features that were all too familiar from family photos. Too, her little whisps of hair were a flaming red, matching my own.

Siz looked nervous, and after my initial shock, we hurried on inside.

Once safely inside, she filled me in on the details.

-=-=-=-

She'd had troubles on the way here. Apparently, she'd been harrassed by some bonafide Myrdel "demon-hunters" ever since she left my home. I knew she shoulda stayed. She'd had to use a great deal of skill and magic to sneak her way back to my house without being tracked.

Our daughter was barely a few weeks old. <span style="color:navy;">Sizreina</span> explained that Little Trouble <span style="color:navy;">–we eventually decided to name her Reival–</span> was too young to shapeshift to hide her wings. <span style="color:navy;">Reival</span> also had problems with keeping her third eye shut.

Ya see, ryuujin got this funny thing to them. They got a third eye...right smack dab in the middle of their forehead. It's freaky. It's completely unnoticeable when the eye is shut, however...and it's almost always shut, you see.

Except when they're babies. That little baby just could not keep that third eye shut. Freaky shit. I've seen Trouble's third eye before, and it spooked me out, too...she kept it shut most of the time, sometimes she tied a bandana over it to hide it. A family trick. The baby, however, did no such thing.

It was kinda cute, that kid. Excuse me, she. She was cute...even if she kept flicking open that damned eye of hers. But, ya kinda get used to it with time...

<span style="color:navy;">Siz</span> and I talked. Just like old times. We caught up on the last few months' happenings, sitting there in my living room, watching <span style="color:navy;">Reival</span> sleep.

<span style="color:navy;">Siz</span> still hadn't found her brother. What a surprise.

Her eyes told me story before she did. She was going to keep searching for her brother. Somehow, in some way, she needed to find him.

I think I finally understood. I mean...I've never had any brothers or sisters, but if <span style="color:navy;">Siz</span> ever got lost, I think I'd search all of Draco to find her. If she lost me, I was certain she'd do the same thing.

Of course, I didn't ask her to stay this time...though I wanted to. I wasn't too keen on being a single father, but <span style="color:navy;">Siz’s</span> spirit would not let her rest just yet, and the little one was safer with me.

Within a week, <span style="color:navy;">Sizreina</span> was gone again.

-=-=-=-

It wasn't all that bad, though. I've got a few friends, and one of them, Sharon, just so happened to be an old, trustworthy acquaintance of mine. She helped me with Little Trouble. And Big Trouble revisted periodically, whenever she thought it was safe. She was there to watch <span style="color:navy;">our daughter</span> grow up...kinda.

She never had any success finding her brother, and it was frustrating her. I think, one night, she was on the brink of giving up the search completely. That night, she was finally going to decide to call off her hunt and stay in Myrdel, with me and our daughter.

<span style="color:navy;">Unfortunately, that didn’t get a chance to happen.</span>

<span style="color:navy;">So we were talking in the living room, right?</span> Sharon had taken the little one for the night, so Siz and I could have some "alone time". Unfortunately, those damned fanatics had no respect for that.

They crashed into my home, a good three or four of them...I don't remember the exact number. I didn't have a whole lot of time to notice such details. I had just enough time to whip out my pistol, shove <span style="color:navy;">Sizreina</span> to the floor behind me, and get out a few good shots. Damn good shots, if I say so myself.

<span style="color:navy;">Heh. I barely felt the hot lead tearing through my flesh, but I did feel the warm blood running down my chest.</span>

My aim was steady and true...all four of the bastards...or was it three? Hell. Whatever. They were dead, that's all that mattered to me. Of course, I kinda was, too. Well, not quite yet. <span style="color:navy;">Sizreina</span> was struggling to cast a healing spell on me...but she didn't have anything strong enough to mend a ripped lung. Even if she had, she wouldn't have been able to cleanse it of the blood anyway...

I think I fell to my knees. <span style="color:navy;">Siz</span> bounced up and hugged me tightly...probably got her clothes all bloody. A real shame, she always wore such pretty clothes...

That's what she gets, though. This was all her fault, after all. Heh. I really hope she finds her brother. It'd be a shame if I went through all of this for nothing. Hey, maybe he'll help her raise our daughter...

Heh. Dear Ladon...I loved her. I still do, honestly. One of these days, I'll see her again...

Sizreina Baseton. Take care of yourself, love. I'll see you again, when the time comes.</small> <p>

---

<span style="font-size:xx-small;">-=- "Got Dragonale?" -- Richard Storm (Nakibe)
-=- "Bah, my past was full of drinking and polymorph spells." -- Hakaril (Archmage144)
-=- "I REJECT YOUR PRESENCE!" -- CaptainPervy (UnclePervy)
-=- "What. In. The. @#%. Are. You. Two. Doing?" -- Hzar (Banjooie)</span></p>Edited by: [url=http://pub30.ezboard.com/brpgww60462.showUserPublicProfile?gid=pdrydia>pd]&nbsp; at: 1/9/03 12:30:25 am

Poor Jewell. Then again, that's what he gets for getting himself involved with a ryuujin...nice work, again. ^_^ <p>......</p>

Thanks, bro. ^_^ And now, you know. :D

As a side note, Reival is named after <span style="color:navy;">Siz</span>reina and <span style="color:navy;">Val</span>erie Baseton. Couldn't find a good place to insert that in th'fic. <p>

---

<span style="font-size:xx-small;">-=- "Got Dragonale?" -- Richard Storm (Nakibe)
-=- "Bah, my past was full of drinking and polymorph spells." -- Hakaril (Archmage144)
-=- "I REJECT YOUR PRESENCE!" -- CaptainPervy (UnclePervy)
-=- "What. In. The. @#%. Are. You. Two. Doing?" -- Hzar (Banjooie)</span></p>

Lovely new bit ^_^

You've used the perspective far more effectively than I think I would have. Well done indeed. <p><div style="text-align:center"> </div></p>

Has the 'speed' of the fic improved? Did a few tweakings to try to make it more immediate, while keeping to my original style. Also tried to undo the overdoneness of the Trouble bit. <p>

---

<span style="font-size:xx-small;">-=- "Got Dragonale?" -- Richard Storm (Nakibe)
-=- "Bah, my past was full of drinking and polymorph spells." -- Hakaril (Archmage144)
-=- "I REJECT YOUR PRESENCE!" -- CaptainPervy (UnclePervy)
-=- "What. In. The. @#%. Are. You. Two. Doing?" -- Hzar (Banjooie)</span></p>

I think so. The Trouble things is definately no more. And it does have some more immediacy.

Thus, Welly well done! <p><div style="text-align:center"> </div></p>

Excellent. ^_^ Any more suggestions for a revision, or do you think this is (*gasp*) ready to be put up on the website? <p>

---

<span style="font-size:xx-small;">-=- "Got Dragonale?" -- Richard Storm (Nakibe)
-=- "Bah, my past was full of drinking and polymorph spells." -- Hakaril (Archmage144)
-=- "I REJECT YOUR PRESENCE!" -- CaptainPervy (UnclePervy)
-=- "What. In. The. @#%. Are. You. Two. Doing?" -- Hzar (Banjooie)</span></p>

It's export Quality, I think. <p><div style="text-align:center"> </div></p>

*awed and honored*

*bows to Pervy* Thank you, Captain. I'm honored my fic meets your approval.

Thanks so much for the feedback, so I could improve my writing. You too, Amanda; I kept both your all's words in mind while revising.

Thanks too, to Nick, Lys, Will, for the feedback. It's encouraging to know people take time out to read my stuff. ^_^;;



<p>

---

<span style="font-size:xx-small;">-=- "Got Dragonale?" -- Richard Storm (Nakibe)
-=- "Bah, my past was full of drinking and polymorph spells." -- Hakaril (Archmage144)
-=- "I REJECT YOUR PRESENCE!" -- CaptainPervy (UnclePervy)
-=- "What. In. The. @#%. Are. You. Two. Doing?" -- Hzar (Banjooie)</span></p>Edited by: [url=http://p068.ezboard.com/brpgww60462.showUserPublicProfile?gid=pdrydia>pd]&nbsp; at: 6/10/05 18:09