Cursed Torture (backstory fic)

[Divinegon2130]

(OOC: Yeah, another backstory fic. I probably could have picked a better title, but anyway... C&C is welcome. As a warning, the first segment is long.)

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There are times when I've hated life. How the hell have I been able to go this far - first my parents turn me loose way too early, then this thing called a 'curse' mutates my body into what it is now. How did I get almost everyone angry? How come people hate me at first sight? But these I have the tendency to ask those whom either I don't know or aren't willing to answer.

And now I've gotten ahead of myself. Name's Rodney. Rodney Meliamne, I think - it's been so long since I've heard my last name that I can hardly remember it. I'm pleased that someone will finally listen to me. Not many people do that nowadays.

You're probably wondering, what's a name like Rodney doing on a rat your size. Well, the honest truth is that I wasn't always a rat. Sure, the curse granted me the power to become one before this happened, but I never stayed a rat for long. Maybe I should tell you the whole story of how it happened and how the curse came about, even though, for a while, it's only from what I've been told....

It started with my grandfather. A treasure hunter, and a good one at that. Heard about some ancient treasure buried in a crypt, and decided to check it out. He brought some other treasure hunters with him, though a few of his friends chickened out. Wisely, from what I'm told.

So, anyway, he managed to get to the treasure, which I think was a dagger carved of jade. Just as he was about to grab it, however, one of his friends vanished. Not a trace left behind. They say the ground swallowed him... don't know what that means. One of his other companions ran from the crypt, screaming like mad; on another note, it was from him that the whole crypt incident was discovered by my parents. Well, that was when my grandpa stopped and looked around.

From about here, I can only figure out what happened because of a nightmare I had as a kid. I never believed this nightmare until I discovered this crypt for myself and found something strange there that proved that the nightmare was a real happening. But now I'm straying off of the story....

Before he knew what was going on, a swarm of rats burst out of the wall that he was facing away from. The falling debris threw him to the ground, and the rats trampled over him and his companions, all of them fleeing the crypt.

For his companions, that was it. The last thing they saw was the rats; either they suffocated under them or some disease overcame them... I'm thinking that suffocation was more likely. My grandpa, however, managed to survive being trampled, but then a black form materialized, standing over him. Then he heard a voice in his head, which said something along the lines of "leave or suffer". My grandpa, not about to run from a strange presence, defied him in some way or another. The presence then drew itself into his body, and he lost consciousness.

When he finally came to, he was not in the same room. He definitely knew something was wrong - he felt awfully light, and the stuff he brought with him was missing. He took one look at his body - and was horrified. He'd become one of the rats in the crypt! And that's all I can remember of the incident.... <p>

---

<font size=4><font color=bronze>Current quotes:</font color></font size><font size=1>
"Like I said, babysitting." - Hiei (from Yu Yu Hakusho)
"Looks like Team Zombie is blasting off again!" - Nakibe, and later, LadyDragonClawsEDW
"Suzaku = Will from Illusion of Gaia gone evil" - Uncle Pervy

View my online journal here.</font size></p>

[pd Rydia]

Miao. o.o Interesting flow here...it kinda works well, but something seems a little off...

Rodney just seems to be narrating this very flatly -- it comes off slightly monotone. "They say the ground swallowed him... don't know what that means. One of his other companions ran from the crypt, screaming like mad; on another note, it was from him that the whole crypt incident was discovered by my parents. Well, that was when my grandpa stopped and looked around," for instance -- I'd think he'd spend a bit more time describing what happened, exactly, to all those people, if at all possible. I mean, this scene should be building some tension, and it just doesn't really do that for me.

On the other hand, this is a nice usage of the first person narrative (something I don't generally care for). I think it kind of fits Rodney, while it's also interesting to see you experiment in form from your last fic. The story itself that is being told, too, is interesting. <p><font color=navy><hr width="47%"><small>Hello, my name is Dia. I'm a dragongirl, and I bite. RAWR!<hr width="31%">Quotes of the moment:
-=- "Love is when your brain stops working." -- White Knight
-=- "Love is when 72 billion monkeys steal a porsche and drive it off a cliff." -- SuperRube
-=- "Love is an intricate dance of lewd comments and biting." -- Lord McBastard</font></p>

[SALSAlys]

Same comments as Dia, basically... when will there be more? Me wants.

[Divinegon2130]

(OOC: The answer to that, Lys, is right now. Also, I'm definitely going to fix the monotony when I go to edit it, rather than right now.

As another note, Dia, on a later part of this fic I may have to consult you about something.)

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You may be wondering, how does this relate to me. Well, the curse went down my side of the family after that horrible day, as most curses seem to. Strangely, however, my father did not acquire the exact same curse.

The difference between the curses is this: My grandfather never was human again. My father, on the other hand, would suffer random shapechanges between human and rat forms. I'd percieve that as something truly embarrassing.

Now, as for me... What? You'd rather listen to the first few years of my life? I'm going to try the best I can to remember those years, even though they were the worst ones for me...

I was born in a small village known as Lystarn. That village is just a little south of the Shuman Mountains, I think. I only spent the first year and a half of my life there, though. At this stage of my life, I was not as helpless as most newborns would be. The rate at which I learned basic things that I now take for granted - for example, how to walk on my own - seemed to parallel that of a rat rather than a human. In other words, I apparently grew up abnormally quickly.

I also was known to be an absolute menace. I would get into places where I would not normally be allowed, and no attempt to bar access seemed to work. ...I can't remember how I did it, but eventually things got to the point where I had to be observed ALL THE TIME. I don't know whether I should be considered lucky or unlucky as a child.

Then, one day when I was a little over a year old, my father suddenly started to despise my mother more and more. I don't understand how it happened, except maybe for the fact that my mother had claimed she loved cats. I think that's what sparked this predicament. A few days later, my father suddenly left her for good, retreating into the mountains.

How do I know where he went? The only reason I know is because he brought me with him. He thought I couldn't survive with my mom... he also claimed that I needed to have freedom in order to grow up properly. Now that I think of it again, he was probably right - my mother was growing increasingly restrictive at the time.

I've realized that, in describing all of these goings-on, that I forgot to mention how I first found out that the curse had gotten to me as well. Well, I'm just about to get to that. During this trip far from home, my father ran across a large black cat... what kind it was isn't important. When he discovered that the cat was after me, which seemed to be almost instantaneous, he started running away.

The cat pursued, and in the course of running away, my father accidentally dropped me. Luckily, my head did not hit the ground. UNluckily, the cat almost pounced right on me. But it missed by mere inches.

I was almost scared to death. About then I started crying...more like bawling, actually. When this happened, my father, thinking he knew how to get rid of the danger, took a dagger out of his clothing and tried to fend the kitty off. The big feline just pounced right on him and then bit into his arm.

I witnessed this happening, and I was growing still more afraid. Suddenly, at that point, I felt that something was wrong with my body. When I looked at myself, I noticed I was growing fur, but I failed to notice the rest of the change until a few minutes later, when the cat was nowhere to be found. That's when I noticed I was a rat. The idea was not as horrifying as being pounced on by a cat, but it was still scary to me.

It wasn't until three days later that I became human again. My father understood this, of course - he knew what going through a shapechange was like, since he'd HAD it happen to him before.

[SALSAlys]

I don't know why, something about the way that he explains why his mother and father broke up... over her love of cats... strikes me as amusing.

And why the emphasis on HAD? Meaning he now doesn't have that problem? Sorry, I be kinda stupid...

[Divinegon2130]

(In response to critique)

I put the emphasis on "HAD" because I'm trying to emphasize that it's happened before. I may not have clarified about whether it's still a problem (which it is).

As for breaking up over a love of cats, if you understand what's going on, it makes sense. I intended that to imply that Rodney's father thought he was in danger.

How am I to better clarify things like this? <p>

---

<font size=4><font color=bronze>Current quotes:</font color></font size><font size=1>
"Like I said, babysitting." - Hiei (from Yu Yu Hakusho)
"Looks like Team Zombie is blasting off again!" - Nakibe, and later, LadyDragonClawsEDW
"Suzaku = Will from Illusion of Gaia gone evil" - Uncle Pervy

View my online journal here.</font size></p>

[SALSAlys]

Makes sense now. ^_^

Yay! *huggles teh Keeper of the Spirit Gun*

[pd Rydia]

I think he'd mention that Lystarn was part of Riva, but maybe not -- depends upon how strongly he feels that his country played a part in his life.

Knowing Rodney's character as I do, I understood the bit about the cats. I think you might want to go into a bit more detail about the (seeming) unnaturalness of Rod's father's fear of the cats, and perhaps build up the tension between his parents before describing how he left his mother. That will place importance on the conflict, and make the reader wonder and want to find out why exactly a love of cats made the two break up, and why exactly Rod's dad took him with him when he left. Perhaps Rod should muse on his dad's thoughts, or maybe you can show a dialogue between the two revealing them, or a dialogue between the three showing the tension, etc.

On the other hand, I rather liked this installment. Your writing seems to be improving the more you do it -- I hope you are continuing to read, as well. Nothing is a better teaching aide of how to write than appreciating, observing, and learning how other artists compose their work. <p><font color=navy><hr width="47%"><small>Hello, my name is Dia. I'm a dragongirl, and I bite. RAWR!<hr width="31%">Quotes of the moment:
-=- "Love is when your brain stops working." -- White Knight
-=- "Love is when 72 billion monkeys steal a porsche and drive it off a cliff." -- SuperRube
-=- "Love is an intricate dance of lewd comments and biting." -- Lord McBastard</font></p>Edited by: [url=http://pub30.ezboard.com/updrydia.showPublicProfile?language=EN>pd]&nbsp; at: 9/9/02 7:13:48 pm

[Divinegon2130]

(OOC: FINALLY getting around to updating this.... let's see if I can progress the story a little more.)

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I remembered very little about why my father was running so far away from home. I didn't know what to ask him - no, scratch that. I didn't know HOW to ask him what was going on.

However, what I DO remember is that he told me later that it was a spot that he claims he used to go to on the rare occasions that "society was giving him burdens without taking his", as he puts it. I would not believe him at that time just from what was there, however. This was because said spot was a dark and smelly cave that, relative to all of, say, Riva, was not an unusual distance. Relative to my hometown, however, it was an awful long way - perhaps a week and a half of travel.

I also remember little of being at that spot - I was there for a long time, but it was even longer ago than that since I've been there. What I DO remember is this much:

The cave had a bunch of shapechangers in there - what kind of shapechangers I don't remember. They raised me until I was maybe six years old. And then they claim I did something and forced me to leave. No, I did NOT do anything... however, after said accusation, they gave me about two days to get my stuff and leave, and I took one of their books. Without permission.

Father had no sympathy for me after the accusation. I think he was brainwashed by them - too much a victim of pack mentality, bound authority... hell, whatEVER you call it.

I vowed from that day not to make the same mistake. <p>

---

<span style="font-size:medium;"> Current Quotes: </span> <span style="font-size:xx-small;">

"You risked our lives on a "MIGHT"?" - Botan (from Yu Yu Hakusho)
"*FOR AM IS OF CATCHING DER DIV VIRUS.*" - End Reshiki (aka Crawling Reshiki)
"Suzaku = Will from Illusion of Gaia gone evil" - CaptainPervy

View my online journal here. </span></p>

[pd Rydia]

"This was because said spot was a dark and smelly cave that, relative to all of, say, Riva, was not an unusual distance."

Kinda strangely worded, that.

All in all, this story moves kinda slowly...more action, more dialogue, would be very nice.

Nice integration of the mention of Riva. ^_^

Not mentioning exactly what Rodney did to get forced to leave is good, it builds questions and helps make someone want to read on further, to find out WHAT he did...it also builds up the expectation that you'll reveal that later. However, I think that could use some more emphasis...I'd talk about it more. Maybe explore Rodney's thoughts on the matter...about the injustice of what they did, how he didn't do whatever it was, etc. etc.

Anyhow...I'm a lazy beotch. But here's your little dose of critique again. >;P And encouragement, too...keep writing. ^_^ <p><div style="text-align:center">

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"On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me...an F.N.W.C.!"
-- VampireJesterJinx (VA by...Dia! :D!)</div></p>

[Divinegon2130]

(OOC: I'm going to edit that part of the fic later on to clarify some of the things Dia has asked about. For now, I'm just going to get the next part of this posted, which I've had a LOT of trouble thinking of - hence its delay.)

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So in the days after leaving that accursed HELLHOLE father called his retreat, things in general weren't too good for me. I immediately started heading southward for a better place than my hometown was. It took a horribly long time for me to get to Doma - perhaps a year, during which I basically had to forage for most of what I ate. How I was able to find all the food I needed at the age of six is beyond even my understanding. How I managed to avoid the dragoons in Riva was even more mind-boggling.

Finally, however, I reached Doma City. My woes were not over, however. No one was willing to take me in and care for me. Since no one would be kind enough to take care of me, I resorted to living in the alleys of Doma. Dangerous places those alleys are. My year of surviving as part of the land could never have prepared me for the streets of a city.

I'm surprised I was able to get away with almost all of the stealing I had to do. That's right, I had to steal practically anything I wanted. Most often, I ended up stealing money, which I used to buy food, and, in fact, I spent many a day in the local inn. I refused to pay for rooms, though, knowing I'd need the money to feed myself later on.

However, two of the things I stole nearly got me killed before I could retrieve them. The incident which got me these two items, which occurred at around the age of twelve, involved one person I stole from who, as I found out later, was a little-known mercenary fighter visiting Doma, looking for someone I have no clue about. When I tried to steal his money pouch, he caught me with his hand on his money, and then pulled out something I had rarely seen until that moment.

That's right, he drew out a sword on me. I quickly removed my hand from his money pouch, but it was too late by then. I knew he was going to try to cause me harm, possibly even kill me. Thinking for a way to get out of the dilemma, I remembered some of the things I read from the book I stole from the 'retreated place'. Holding my hand out and trying to get the man to stop coming after me, I realized there was a breeze building up around my hand. Before I realized that the book's rituals were not fake, a burst of wind hit the man in the chest, making him stumble and drop the sword. I then shoved him into the alley, and, in a fit of what must have been rage, proceeded, with quite a bit of difficulty, to take the man out with the blade he had dropped.

I was about to leave with his sword when I realized that I'd forgotten the money pouch. So I went back to his body, dragged it further into the alley, and looked for the money I was going to steal when I realized he was wearing some sort of leather armor. I was curious about the armor, but it had given me difficulty when I tried to fight him, so I thought maybe it would help me out on the streets. So, after taking a horrendous amount of time removing the armor (I'm surprised I wasn't discovered doing this), I found that I liked it.

But before I was about to put it on, I remembered that I had cut the mercenary through the shoulders and chest several times. Checking the wounds and their relative locations on the armor, I was astonished at how much blood I had spilled. I forgot how long I spent cleaning off the blood from the outside of the armor, just so others wouldn't know about its origins. After cleaning it off, I put the armor on myself, leaving the man's body there in the alley, and was on my way. I am fully surprised that that murder was not connected to me - maybe there were no witnesses, or no one found his body until it was no longer recognizable.

Things were rather uneventful after that, except that my thieving was a lot more successful, probably because of the sword I had stolen. I wasn't a terror-monger. I was simply a quiet and otherwise unobtrusive thief. However, the idea of stealing started to bother me for some reason. I could only guess that my curse was somehow manipulating my mind to insist I be a thief for my whole life.

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(OOC: Preview of next part: Planning to discuss Rodney's mercenary adventure in Eurastia. Why he went, what was going on with him, and how he REALLY felt about the others he was involved with while he was there.) <p>

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<span style="font-size:medium;"> Current Quotes: </span> <span style="font-size:xx-small;">

"Okay, so he's only partially worthless." - Hiei (from Yu Yu Hakusho)
"Yeah. This town has mean men in it. The kind of people that make kids eat broccoli.... e.e" - Solis (Nakibe)
"Oh, you don't wanna play sports, Matt, they're fattening!" - Brody Fox (someone at my high school)

View my online journal here. </span></p>Edited by: Divinegon2130&nbsp; at: 2/5/03 2:08:08 pm

[Divinegon2130]

(OOC: Alright, Rodney's now going into his feelings about his time in Eurastia and the area around it. If you want to know the specific details, read the saved RP "The Book of Three Kings".)

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At the age of fifteen, I realized that my curse was indeed manipulating my mind. I also found out that if I let myself continue thieving, I would end up in the same situation my grandfather did: trying to steal something I shouldn't and winding up a completely different being.

I did not want to suffer that fate, so I took up mercenary work. I didn't get assigned to too many tasks; maybe potential hirers were distrustful of me, or maybe because of my inability to properly negotiate, or possibly my bad luck. I did extremely well at the few relatively innocuous jobs I was given. It wasn't until a year later that I'd stumble across my first real challenge as a mercenary.

That year, I stumbled across a rather odd request... an assignment in a very remote town named Eurastia. Feeling this was the chance to prove myself to someone that really would care, I headed there. But I wasn't to be the only one. Three others came for the same assignment, which turned out to be guarding a priest who was going to recover some strange book.

One of the other apparent mercenaries there was a privately-trained mage named Seph. I felt indifferent to Seph throughout the whole mission. Never was there any indication to me that he was going to cause me any problems, nor DID he cause any for me. Though he did seem a bit slow at first...

Another one of the mercenaries that had come for this assignment was Tharnik, the one person who kept trying to hide most of himself from the occasional question we asked along the way. I remain ticked off at Tharnik, since he caused me problems the very first day. When we were attacked by a wolf the first night, and I tried to fend the wolf off, Tharnik kept telling me to stop. I was real angry at him for aggravating the situation. Other than that, we uneasily got along for the rest of the time. Only when the job was finished did I ever find out what was up with him. Who'd have known I'd been allied to a WEREWOLF??

As for Rai'm, she was the only female there... surprisingly, none of us bugged her too badly. Except for Nick, the priest we were supposed to guard, but I'll get to that in a bit. Anyway, Rai'm was perhaps the most outgoing of all of us... if you were to ask me, she might have been a little TOO outgoing. She acted like a little kid might have - lacking care or worry, and insisting everyone do the same. Above all, however, Rai'm was what I had not been in my life - I had been strict ever since my father took me with him. In NO way was Rai'm strict - not any way I saw her, at least. I have the feeling part of her attitude got into me somewhere - scratch that, I'm HOPING it was watching her and the way she handled things that turned my mind outward. I feel sorry that I accidentally scared her close to the end, since I never meant to cause fear in her.

But those weren't the only three there. Nick, as I mentioned, was the priest we were supposed to be guarding. He seemed to have problems with ALL of us. He claimed Seph was taking too much time, he berated Tharnik for NOT relying on his lycanthropy, and Rai'm's attitude really got to him at times. I think I was the only one he didn't have too much to say about. Either that or I don't remember what he hated me for.

Finally, there was the seductive girl we encountered near the end of the assignment. All I remember of her looks was, oddly, the deep red silk ribbon that appeared to be the only thing she wore. I remember her more for how I hated her. I still bear hatred toward her to this day. How she could DARE ignore my request to leave, and furthermore, how she went and ATTACKED us after our reasonable pleas. I would give anything to have a second chance to get rid of her. Driving her off was not enough.

---------------------------------

(OOC: Yeah, I know, probably not a good idea to cut this segment here, but anyway, the next part shows what happened AFTER that incident.)

Edited by: [url=http://pub30.ezboard.com/brpgww60462.showUserPublicProfile?gid=divinegon2130>Divinegon2130</A]&nbsp; at: 2/5/03 2:22:01 pm

[pd Rydia]

-=- Dragoons shouldn't be capitalized in the middle of a sentence (as in your first of the last two installments, first paragraph).

-=- "or at least cause me significant harm" is a bit melodramatic, I'd leave that out, myself. Or, perhaps, rearrange the sentence...something along the lines of (but not exactly) "He was going to try to hurt me...or even try to kill me..."

-=- I'm surprised the armor the mercenary had, that Rod stole, wasn't bloodied or anything. He'd need to get it cleaned, otherwise, no good walking around covered in blood.
____

-=- "That year, I stumbled across a rather odd request. An assignment in a very remote town named Eurastia." -- the second sentence is a fragment...you should connect it to the previous sentence using a semi-colon, an ellipsis, or a dash.

-=- "I felt indifferent to Seph throughout the whole mission." -- should explain who Seph was, or maybe what he looked like, before referring to him simply as "Seph."

-=- Same thing for Tharnik following. And for Nyhoni. Rai'm and Nick seem to have decent enough introductions, though. Alternately, instead of introducing them before each of their paragraphs, maybe you could give a brief description of all of them in one paragraph preceeding the others?

-=- "seducive" -- seductive
____

Heh, it's interesting to see another character's take on Three Kings. ^_^ Very interesting.

Well, your transitioning between ideas overall could use a little focus and work, and sometimes your wording as well. Your (existing) description seems just fine, however, as does your specific word choice. <p>

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<span style="font-size:xx-small;">-=- "Bah, my past was full of drinking and polymorph spells." -- Hakaril (Archmage144)
-=- "I wanna get so drunk that I start seeing my friends as cows." -- Aya (LadyDragonClawsEDW)
-=- "If you're still able to see in colors and not in scents...you're CERTAINLY not drunk enough." -- Nakibe
-=- "LET'S ALL RUN FREE, NAKED, AND DRUNK!" -- Shirinai</span></p>

[Uncle Pervy]

I FINALLY GOT TO READING THIS! !

Div, you're definately improving, just from looking at each installment. Your last few are quite above par.

-At the age of fifteen, I realized that my curse was indeed manipulating my mind. I also found out that if I let myself continue thieving, I would end up in the same situation my grandfather did: trying to steal something I shouldn't and winding up a completely different being

Maybe that should be "Steal something I shouldn't, and wind up in more trouble than I can handle."

Anyway, that's the only useful thing I have to say. I like Rodney's timid voice, with the right bits of spite. Very Rat-like ^^

A question: if Rodney's Grandpa was a rat, and the curse was passed down, does that mean Rodney's Grandma was a true rat?



<p><div style="text-align:center"> </div></p>

[Divinegon2130]

To answer you, Pervy, no. The nature of the curse was meant to be that it passed down to the children of the one who contracted it, as well as THEIR children, and so on.

However, it did NOT transfer to spouses of the afflicted. And the curse had a sort of life of its own, digging into the minds of the afflicted and learning of their descendants.

Thus, the curse had to derive its knowledge of Rodney's father from HIS father's mind. <p>

---

<span style="font-size:medium;"> Current Quotes: </span> <span style="font-size:xx-small;">

"Okay, so he's only partially worthless." - Hiei (from Yu Yu Hakusho)
"Yeah. This town has mean men in it. The kind of people that make kids eat broccoli.... e.e" - Solis (Nakibe)
"Oh, you don't wanna play sports, Matt, they're fattening!" - Brody Fox (someone at my high school)

View my online journal here. </span></p>

[Divinegon2130]

Now, during the end of that assignment, I remember transforming into a rat to deal with the seductive girl. She ran off after Tharnik and I started tearing into her.

However, once I learned that the book near where we fought her was the one we were sent to retrieve, I realized the silliness of staying in rat form. I skittered off, hid, and changed back.

Now, this is where things went wrong. As I reverted to my human form, I suddenly felt a surge of pain washing into me. I was puzzled as to what it meant. In fact, I didn't notice anything else that was strange until after we went back to Eurastia and were paid for our job.

I had the sudden urge to leave quickly, and in fact this is what I did. However, my skin had been tingling since I left. It was then that it dawned on me - my body hair had been growing at an accelerated rate, to the point where it resembled fur rather than hair. Also, the hair on my head, which is normally long, started to shrink on its own. I still had no clue, however, as to what could have caused my body hair to grow so fast.

About a week later, I remember getting horrible headaches. They persisted and seriously hindered my lifestyle. This was when I realized the cause. Apparently, when I had reverted to human form, the surge of pain was an indication that I had truly awoken the mind of the rat that the curse had planted into me.

Within a few days, the headaches were gone. The day after that, I found myself looking into a pool of water during my travelling. I was horrified by the sight - a humanoid with thick white fur and a rat-like face was staring back at me. I reached up and felt my forehead to see if I hadn't been thinking straight... when I noticed my face had indeed become that of a rat.

I felt something very uncomfortable two days later - it felt like something was wiggling about near the end of my spine, and it was hurting. Removing my armor to try and get a look at it, I found it was a tail. That's right, I discovered I had grown a rat tail. This was the one time I voluntarily damaged my own armor, cutting a small hole in the lower half where the tail would go, putting the armor back on, and pulling the tail out. It grew significantly over the next few days until it just barely touched the ground, and then that was all that changed.

And that's basically it for what there is to know about me. Strange life I've had isn't it?

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(OOC: All right. Finished with this fic. After the last set of critique I'm going to fix this up and send it.) <p>

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<span style="font-size:medium;"> Current Quotes: </span> <span style="font-size:xx-small;">

-=-"Hear that? Hydras! Helvik's toes! Cut off one head and another regrows! Slash and cauterize with a torch... we need FLAME!" - Lyssandra (ChibiUrusai)-=-
-=-"see? Swearing is like katsup for sentances." - UltraRube-=-
-=-"I've heard of earwigs, but this takes the cake." - Keet (Dragon Sage007)-=-

View my online journal here. </span></p>

[pd Rydia]

Hm.

I see the beginning and the transition and the end, and it flows enough I guess (except for what I've mentioned before). Still, the story lacks a little pizzazz...there needs to be some more reason to really be concerned for your main character (in this story, Rodney, but it's also something to keep in mind for later stories). A little less description, a little more dialogue, a little more action, I think, would draw the reader in better. "Show don't tell" type of thing...

Other than that...congratulations on finishing your second fic. ^_^

<p>

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<span style="font-size:xx-small;">-=- "Anybody have any valuables? It's been several hours since I pillaged anything!" -- UnclePervy (DFRD, Nick Shogun)
-=- "YOU! The big, injust, green guy with the perplexed look!!" -- Mikan (2 Sugoi, Nekogami)
-=- "Upgrade complete. Please reboot your ass" -- Squintz Altec
-=- "I SMASHIES....in a very intellectual manner" -- Banjooie
</span></p>Edited by: [url=http://p068.ezboard.com/brpgww60462.showUserPublicProfile?gid=pdrydia>pd]&nbsp; at: 6/10/05 17:08