A new, as of yet, untitled fic development!

[Archmage144]

Right. All the legal junk--erm, I wrote it, etc etc., it belongs to me, kthxplzbye. In all seriousness, don't rip this off me. Regardless of quality, I did work on it, yo, and I intend to keep working on it. ^_^

Anyway. This fic takes place after the death of Masahiro, and after Darin Prentiss arrives at Gunnir. Hakaril is roughly 17--this is two years before he becomes an Archmage.

The fic is, as I said, currently unnamed, cause I suck at names.

---

Silvery tendrils danced, just beyond Hakaril’s grasp, tantalizing and harassing him at the same time. His hand reached out to grab them, but again and again, they retreated, refusing to be enslaved by his grip. A milky white light blinded him briefly before subsiding, and just as he was uncovering his eyes to get a better look at the prize before him…

A loud thud echoed throughout the dormitory as Hakaril hit the floor, having rolled out of bed as a result of all his thrashing. The mage groaned, irritated by both being so roughly awakened and being unable to see his dream through to the end. Something wonderful was just beyond his grasp, and he knew it. Rubbing his eyes blearily, he worked his way to his feet, steadying himself with a hand against the bedpost. The bedsheets entangling his body fell away as he rose, collapsing in a disorderly heap around his ankles.

“Darin, what time is it?” Hakaril murmured, only half-caring. The worst that could happen if he lost track of time was that he could be late to class, and the concept of being forced to dust shelves or clean arcane instruments did little to frighten him. He was well-versed in the arts of crime and punishment, and it required an immense amount of threats to achieve any reaction from Hakaril. Being chastised for a minor infraction was nothing, after what he had been through.

Nothing could possibly faze him after what had happened to Masahiro.

The other boy, without even glancing up from his desk work, replied crisply to Hakaril. “11:53 A.M. and 13…14…15 seconds.”

Hakaril restrained a laugh. Darin was a bit unusual, and he was still getting adjusted to his new roommate. The Time Mage turned around momentarily, his ice blue eyes meeting Hakaril’s own reddish ones for a fraction of a second before he returned to whatever he was reading.

Darin was a strange fellow, at least, by Hakaril’s standards, but he was a friend, nevertheless. However, even Hakaril had to admit that Darin was mildly creepy. At first, many of the girls flocked to Darin, finding his long, dark hair, thin yet handsome features, and faintly glowing eyes to be extremely attractive. However, most of them quickly realized that he was no ordinary person. He rarely spoke unless first spoken to, rarely if ever participated in group activities or social events of any sort, and furthermore…there was something else. A strange aura of sadness and the faintest wisp of some deeper depression hung in the air around Darin like a cloud of flies around a garbage pail. No one was entirely sure why any of this was the case—it simply was, and no one could argue with it.

However, Darin had proved to be an interesting roommate. Hakaril appreciated the company at times, and he was the more studious of the two friends, allowing Hakaril to count on Darin to remember trivial, insignificant things he would have otherwise forgotten. Talent, he supposed, only went so far—sometimes, everyone needed a little bit of assistance, and the time mage seemed pleased to be able to provide it. The only thing that bothered Hakaril about Darin was that he never seemed to enjoy himself, at all, in the slightest. There were a lot of rumors about where he had come from and why, but Hakaril knew the truth. Darin was a Prandian exchange student. There was nothing extremely suspicious or unnerving about that fact—why were so many people nervous about his presence, other than the mysterious aura that seemed to envelop him?

All that was irrelevant now, however, as Darin’s proclamation of the current moment in the passage of time indicated that the mage was going to be late for his Conjuration class.

<p><center><table border=1><tr><td><table cellspacing=0 cellpadding=4><tr><td></td><td><center>The Archmage:
Sadistic GM or handsome bishounen? You decide!
RPGWW! Beware of GM!

"I disapprove of what you say, but I shall defend to the death your right to say it." ~Voltaire
"You dealt a critical hit with a book." ~LadydragonclawsEDW
"I likes the vibrating ass plug, aw right!" ~Lord McBastard</center></td><td></td></tr></table></td></tr></table></center></p>

[FF Fanatic 80]

Nice fic man. Brief, but does its job very well. I'm eager to read more about Darin and his 'adventures' in school with Hakaril, if you ever feel like writing about them. :)

[Archmage144]

I intend to keep working on it. Yeah, I know it's short, but I've got some ideas...if I ever get to writing them down. >.>;;; <p><center><table border=1><tr><td><table cellspacing=0 cellpadding=4><tr><td></td><td><center>The Archmage:
Sadistic GM or handsome bishounen? You decide!
RPGWW! Beware of GM!

"I disapprove of what you say, but I shall defend to the death your right to say it." ~Voltaire
"You dealt a critical hit with a book." ~LadydragonclawsEDW
"I likes the vibrating ass plug, aw right!" ~Lord McBastard</center></td><td></td></tr></table></td></tr></table></center></p>

[LadyDragonClawsEDW]

I'm not much of a literary critic myself, I can't exactly go through a piece of fiction and critique it like some of the other people here are able to do (poop on me). I do know that I think this story's great so far and I'd like to see more of it.

On another silly note, does anyone else besides me see Darin serving as Hakaril's alarm clock in the morning? :"> ] <p> <center><table border cellpadding=2><tr><td><table><tr><td></td><td><center>For NO reason whatsoever, I feel like
wandering around the castle unarmed and alone!</center></td></tr></table></td></tr></table></center></p>

[pd Rydia]

Nifty. ^_^ More. <p><font color=navy><hr width="47%"><small>Hello, my name is Dia. I'm a dragongirl, and I bite. RAWR!<hr width="31%">Quotes of the moment:
-=- "Love is when your brain stops working." -- White Knight
-=- "Love is when 72 billion monkeys steal a porsche and drive it off a cliff." -- SuperRube
-=- "LOVE IS WAI." -- me</font></p>

[Archmage144]

Class was fairly routine yet still interesting for Hakaril. The field of conjuration fascinated and amusd him greatly—the mere concept of being able to create from where there was once nothing to see or feel had an allure he found himself unable to resist. His first experiences with the art had been in a class that was recommended for all new students: “Student Survival 101.” This class was recommended because it essentially taught newcomers the “ropes” of Gunnir, initiating them both into the Academy’s social whirl and giving them ways to live and eat on a budget, namely involving the conjuration of edible (if slightly bland) food, which tended to be a useful little cantrip even past their graduation. Hakaril figured that a mage should be self sufficient, and thusly, he took great pride in these abilities.

He wandered down the hallway, idly waving at a group of peers chitchatting about an upcoming exam in Draconic III, and shortly afterwards, found his way to his dormitory. He pulled the door open, noting that its unlocked state was most likely due to his negligence earlier as a result of being in a hurry. Shutting the door behind him, he surveyed the room.

Darin was nowhere to be found—but then, that hardly surprised Hakaril. The time mage was probably in some class, and despite having been Darin’s roommate for almost two months, he had not yet memorized the other boy’s schedule. He tossed off his hat idly, the headpiece landing on the desk atop an open book that had obviously been left there.

The dormitory Hakaril and Darin shared was an interesting contrast. Half of the room was a complete and utter wreck. Books, papers and sheets of parchment were strewn everywhere, clothes and overcoats lay hanging over the bedposts, posters of women in various sexy poses were plastered all over the walls, and the entire scene framed an unmade bed with sheets pockmarked by ink stains as a result of late night homework sessions done while the mage was lying in bed.

Hakaril flopped down on his bed, staring at the ceiling for a few minutes and weighing his options. He could go down to the library, or the lunchroom, or one of the many lounges in the Academy, and socialize a bit. He could read a book, a favorite pastime of his, so long as they were books on the subject of magical theory, or he could just stare aimlessly into space, which was occasionally good for the purposes of relaxation, especially when he had another class to go to in roughly half an hour.

However, after a few minutes, a sharp rapping at his door broke his reverie, causing him to roll over on his side and glance at the door. “Yeah? Come on in,” he called out to the visitor.

The door opened slowly, creaking loudly as it did, causing both the visitor and Hakaril to wince.

“You really ought to oil your door’s hinges, man,” a familiar voice said.

Hakaril sat up on his bed, shaking his head roughly for a moment, and idly pushed a bluish hair out of his eye, grinning at the unexpected guest. “Hey, Zack,” he said with a smile. “What brings you to my humble abode?”

Zack grinned back, flashing a mischievous smile that would have made any nearby instructor cringe at the mere thought of what the young black mage might have been planning. Hakaril had first met Zack the day before he made it to the Academy, after he had spent a rather rough night sleeping in the mountains because he had been forced to flee from a shadow hound of some sort. He had awoken to a rough jabbing in his side—Zack had found someone who was either dead or sleeping, and the only way to tell the difference was usually to check for vitals or poke the body. Zack, being himself, had decided poking was the more amusing and effective option. Since their first meeting, Hakaril had learned that Zack was pretty much what any casual observer would expect—volatile, hotheaded, energetic, sneaky, conniving, and constantly getting himself into trouble. On the other hand, he was a good, true, and loyal friend, and an excellent sorcerer as far as the field of black magic went.

“I’ve come because…oh, guess why I’m here,” Zack teased.

“I have no idea, Zack. You know I hate guessing games,” Hakaril retorted playfully.

“We’re going to be insanely rich.”

Hakaril rolled his eyes. “Zack, I’ve told you a half a dozen times that I really don’t care much about money.” The black mage was full of get-rich-quick schemes that never actually worked, and Hakaril was less than certain that he wished to get involved in yet another one.

“No, no, man, it’s not like that,” Zack replied excitedly. “Just hear me out.”
<p><center><table border=1><tr><td><table cellspacing=0 cellpadding=4><tr><td></td><td><center>The Archmage:
Sadistic GM or handsome bishounen? You decide!
RPGWW! Beware of GM!

"I disapprove of what you say, but I shall defend to the death your right to say it." ~Voltaire
"You dealt a critical hit with a book." ~LadydragonclawsEDW
"I likes the vibrating ass plug, aw right!" ~Lord McBastard</center></td><td></td></tr></table></td></tr></table></center></p>

[pd Rydia]

Whee. Characterization, wai. n_n

You did a good job with the dialogue-less description in the beginning. It's sometimes pretty hard to make writing interesting to read without dialogue. One thing I'd point out is that when you describe Hak's section of the dorm, you don't make it as clear that it's his section as I think it should be (even though you *can* figure it out). Also, you typed "pushed a bluish hair out of his eye," when I think you missed a "strand of" in there.

Anyhow, you know what. More. <p><font color=navy><hr width="47%"><small>Hello, my name is Dia. I'm a dragongirl, and I bite. RAWR!<hr width="31%">Quotes of the moment:
-=- "Love is when your brain stops working." -- White Knight
-=- "Love is when 72 billion monkeys steal a porsche and drive it off a cliff." -- SuperRube
-=- "Love is an intricate dance of lewd comments and biting." -- Lord McBastard</font></p>

[LadyDragonClawsEDW]

More I say yes! Nice fic, only one little qualm... where you describe Hakaril's room, you paint a lovely picture of Hakaril's messy spread (at least I assume it is) but with the way you set up the paragraph, you lead the reader to think that somewhere after the first description there will be a second one contrasting Darin's living conditions on his side of the room.


MORE MORE MORE! <p> <center><table border cellpadding=2><tr><td><table><tr><td></td><td><center>For NO reason whatsoever, I feel like
wandering around the castle unarmed and alone!</center></td></tr></table></td></tr></table></center></p>

[Archmage144]

“So what you’re saying,” Hakaril concluded, “is that there’s a reward for hunting this…thing…and you want to collect it? And furthermore, you think it’ll be fun?”

“Yeah, man, you’ve got everything figured out!” Zack said with a mile-wide grin. “Of course, we’re never gonna pull this off ourselves. Anyone who might help us out?”

“I bet I could get Darin to go with us,” Hakaril mused. “He’s not really one who likes to break rules or enjoy himself, but I bet he can be persuaded.”

The mage walked over to the desk where he had discarded his hat when he entered the room, whisking it off the table and plopping it onto his head with a smile. “Zack, you’ll give me more details later, right?”

“You know it, man,” the other boy responded, flashing back an equally bright smile before departing from the dormitory down the hallway. “Seeya round, Hak!”

Hakaril shook his head, still grinning. Zack had brought him a proposition that was difficult to turn down, and while rewards and money had never really interested Hakaril, the prospect of getting a little respect, and possibly having a little fun, lured him into the idea. Reports of a creature that was killing livestock in the area had managed to worm their way inside the Academy walls, and it was rumored that the only person to see the creature had been plagued by horrible nightmares and was unable to speak or explain the situation, much less describe the beast.

While the mage was mulling the situation over, the creak of the door alerted him to yet another visitor—Darin had returned to the dormitory, and he gave Hakaril a wan smile, the best he could manage, his soulful eyes like that of a basset hound. Hakaril raised an eyebrow at Darin, returning the look.

“Is something wrong, Darin?” he asked, a slight bit of concern creeping into his voice in a manner comparable to the way slugs creep across the rocks—slow, sticky, and almost indifferent, but there nevertheless.

“N…no, Hakaril, I’m…I’m fine,” Darin stammered quietly, fighting to keep a blush from spreading across his cheeks.

Eyebrow still arched in a gesture of sudden interest, Hakaril leaned against the wall and studied Darin momentarily. He seemed almost…tragic. It was funny how he had barely noticed the aura of sadness and despair that the time mage bore. He supposed he must have been too wrapped up in his own life to notice.

“Darin, where are you from, anyway?” Hakaril queried.

“I…I thought you knew, Hakaril,” Darin murmured. “I’m…I’m a Prandian exchange student.”

“Yeah,” Hakaril replied with a nod, “but why did they send you all the way here from Prandia?”

Darin’s face drained of color as he turned to face Hakaril. “I…I…” he stuttered, as though he was uncertain whether or not he should say.

Hakaril blinked slowly at his roommate, scratching his head. “Darin, you can tell me. I can keep a secret, if that’s what the matter is.”

The time mage’s eyes lowered. “I’m…I’m something special…so they sent me someplace special to be taught.”

“Okay, if that’s all,” Hakaril said with a shrug. “You can talk to me, right?”

“Y…yeah. Thanks…Hakaril.”

Hakaril sighed, turning to leave his dorm again so he could make his next class on time. Supposedly, there was a surprise examination in Igalan History, and being late would probably result in his automatic failure…
<p><center><table border=1><tr><td><table cellspacing=0 cellpadding=4><tr><td></td><td><center>The Archmage:
Sadistic GM or handsome bishounen? You decide!
RPGWW! Beware of GM!

"I disapprove of what you say, but I shall defend to the death your right to say it." ~Voltaire
"You dealt a critical hit with a book." ~LadydragonclawsEDW
"I likes the vibrating ass plug, aw right!" ~Lord McBastard</center></td><td></td></tr></table></td></tr></table></center></p>

[pd Rydia]

n__n More, more! Wai!

*really likes Zack's character* o.o He would be fun to RP...

... *cough* More! <p><font color=navy><hr width="47%"><small>Hello, my name is Dia. I'm a dragongirl, and I bite. RAWR!<hr width="31%">Quotes of the moment:
-=- "Love is when your brain stops working." -- White Knight
-=- "Love is when 72 billion monkeys steal a porsche and drive it off a cliff." -- SuperRube
-=- "Love is an intricate dance of lewd comments and biting." -- Lord McBastard</font></p>

[pd Rydia]

*bumpity* <p><font color=navy><hr width="47%"><small>Hello, my name is Dia. I'm a dragongirl, and I bite. RAWR!<hr width="31%">Quotes of the moment:
-=- "Love is when your brain stops working." -- White Knight
-=- "Love is when 72 billion monkeys steal a porsche and drive it off a cliff." -- SuperRube
-=- "Love is an intricate dance of lewd comments and biting." -- Lord McBastard</font></p>

[Uncle Pervy]

Right, 'bout time I got off my arse and looked at this.

Lessee... We have interesting characters here. I wanna see Diran snap and go nuts, myself. He is definate the type to snap and do what Pervy did to Choark in the mines.

Zack needs more character. So far, he's just a risk-tkaer student. How well does he do his magic? Does he have the one crazy-go-nuts professor who's his best friend? Does he run the local black market?

Also, I wanna know more about the school in general. What does the student body look like? What kinds of folks are there? How do they congregate? Any notable figures?

Overall, Damned groovy. But it could be damned Groovier with my suggestions. <p><table align="center" cellpadding=2><tr><td></td><td align="center">Rum, White Magic, an' Cabbits.
That's th' life fer me.

Seig No-Pants!</td><td></tr></table></p>

[pd Rydia]

*bump* e.e <p><div style="text-align:center">

---

"On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me...an F.N.W.C.!"
-- VampireJesterJinx (VA by...Dia! :D!)</div></p>

[Archmage144]

*self bump/plug*

I really, really want to finish this, and I just remembered it this morning. Are people interested in seeing it get finished? <p>--------
The Archmage: Sadistic GM or handsome bishounen? You decide!
RPGWW! Beware of GM!

"I disapprove of what you say, but I shall defend to the death your right to say it." ~Voltaire
"Surrender, or die in obscurity!" ~Ramza, FF Tactics

Creative dining
Chopsticks are for eating rice
Not for poking eyes
~WhiteKnight</p>

[LadyDragonClawsEDW]

Yes o.o <p>

---

One hat to rule them all.</p>

[Uncle Pervy]

YAES. <p><div style="text-align:center"> </div></p>

[Archmage144]

“God DAMN!” Hakaril swore loudly as he dragged himself out of Igalan History. “Who cares what the name of the King of Doma’s mother-in-law’s sister’s son’s name was and what accomplishments he achieved? If I had my way, this course would be scrapped…I swear, we didn’t even go over that in class!”
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
“Don’t worry about it, it’s over man, who cares now?” Zack responded nonchalantly, trying to reassure Hakaril in his own manner. “Not gonna matter at all when we graduate. Besides, like I said, I’ve got just the thing to take it off your mind…”

The two students paused in the hallway for a moment, Hakaril removing his trademark red feathered cap and brushing it off idly. The blue-haired boy leaned on a nearby pedestal, glancing momentarily at the marble bust of one of the Gunnir council’s past members affixed to the display stand, and then returned his gaze to Zack. “Okay, what’s the plan, then, exactly?”

Zack’s grin spread across his entire face to the point where anyone thinking too hard about the situation might have assumed that the black mage was, in fact, some sort of lesser chaos demon. Mischief and an adventurous spirit raged in the young man, and it was rare that he would pass up a chance to get out and do something more amusing or exciting than poring over arcane texts indistinguishable to a normal man from children’s scribbling. He quickly scanned the hallway, attempting to make sure no one was spying or otherwise trying to muscle in on his plans.

“Alright,” Zack finally announced when he had determined, within reasonable doubt, that the two of them were undisturbed and unwatched. “Tomorrow night, we’re gonna hit it. The most recent sightings of the ‘beast’ were in the nearby caverns, not too far from the Academy itself, yeah? So we go down there, find the damned thing, and bring back its head in a sack, or something. We’ll be heroes, there’ll be a reward, and it’ll be a challenge, yeah?”

Hakaril nodded in response. “Sounds like it could be…better than sleeping. Or studying. Or, hell, maybe even getting plastered.” The mage chuckled lightly at his own comments, scratching his side. “So I figure we’ll need the standard stuff…nets, weapons, and of course, our brains? And Darin’ll be coming, that ought to be helpful.”

“Damn right, man, we’ve got this under control,” Zack said enthusiastically. “Don’t bother with the nets, though. This’ll be a challenge, right? No tools other than your weapon of choice and sheer will power. It’s gonna be great!”

Hakaril pondered this for a moment. No tools, just magic. Their success or failure was going to depend on the group’s ability to warp reality to their will. A slow smile worked its way across his lips as he further considered the matter—even as an accomplished magician, this would be difficult. The prospect of being independent from the mundane thrilled him, and the youthful lust for excitement stirred him further. Zack had made him an offer that, quite simply, he had no way to refuse. “Let’s do it,” Hakaril replied at last, the grin on his face almost, but not quite, matching Zack’s.

“Hell yeah!” Zack whooped, completely ignoring the volume of his cry. A number of doors in the hallway popped open, and, almost in unison, teachers from nearly every class being conducted within fifty feet leaned out of their classrooms, glaring at the overly loud student coldly. Startled by the reaction, he stepped backwards, as though to flee the scene—and managed to trip over his own feet, bumping into a sculpture of a crystalline dragon on another pedestal and sending the entire mess tumbling to the floor with an echoing crash.

Dignity sprained and pride wounded, Zack scrambled to his feet, sheepishly staring at the ground.

“Oops,” he murmured.
<p>--------
The Archmage: Sadistic GM or handsome bishounen? You decide!
RPGWW! Beware of GM!

"I disapprove of what you say, but I shall defend to the death your right to say it." ~Voltaire
"Surrender, or die in obscurity!" ~Ramza, FF Tactics

Creative dining
Chopsticks are for eating rice
Not for poking eyes
~WhiteKnight</p>

[pd Rydia]

Good end there. ^_^

Nice installment overall, some of your sentences get too long and detract from the flow of the story. On two in particular:<ul>"Zack’s grin spread across his entire face to the point where anyone thinking too hard about the situation might have assumed that the black mage was, in fact, some sort of lesser chaos demon." -- This sentence might benefit from being broken into two.

"Mischief and an adventurous spirit raged in the young man, and it was rare that he would pass up a chance to get out and do something more amusing or exciting than poring over arcane texts indistinguishable to a normal man from children’s scribbling." -- This (following) sentence is, well, just a little too long and unweildly. I'd reword that.</ul>Good stuff, other than that. Keep going. <p>

---

<span style="font-size:xx-small;">-=- "Got Dragonale?" -- Richard Storm (Nakibe)
-=- "Bah, my past was full of drinking and polymorph spells." -- Hakaril (Archmage144)
-=- "I REJECT YOUR PRESENCE!" -- CaptainPervy (UnclePervy)
-=- "What. In. The. @#%. Are. You. Two. Doing?" -- Hzar (Banjooie)</span></p>

[Uncle Pervy]

Heh heh.

Zack could mention what a pain it wouldbe to get nets and such, to strenghten his argument.

Well done, AM. ^_^ <p><div style="text-align:center"> </div></p>

[Banjooie]

...Diran?

[pd Rydia]

*not so sneaky bump* <p>

---

<span style="font-size:xx-small;">-=- "YOU SEE THE MIGHTY DAMARAMU'S BRAIN IS VERY COMPACT!" -- Damaramu
-=- "Don't worry Mink, I'll be good excess baggage!" -- Pia
-=- "But I'm a slime half!" -- Princess Vena
-=- "OH BY THE SEVEN GODS IT'S A MECHANICAL BIRD! But it's so...small..." -- announcer guy
-=- "Demons don't care about story continuity!" -- Doug Finn</span></p>

[Koneko]

Darin, assumably. *bumpity bump bump bump*


<p>

---

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

He who laughs first, didn't get the joke.</p>Edited by: [url=http://p068.ezboard.com/brpgww60462.showUserPublicProfile?gid=pdrydia>pd]&nbsp; at: 6/10/05 16:50