Of Light And Shadow

For artistic creations in text format.

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Nakibe
Lady Malix wills your demise!
 
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Of Light And Shadow

Unread postby Nakibe » Fri Jul 05, 2002 6:30 pm

OOC: So, um, yeah, like, I decided to use my writing (non-)talents for once to attempt to write this up. It's been bugging me for a while, and well... anyways, might as well get it started, ne?

--------------------------------

Life's funny sometimes, ya know that?

I don't even know why the hell I'm here... running through the streets, dragging along a crying little kid and a smartass spirit of some sort. Maybe it's one of life's little mysteries. But... I hate mysteries. They annoy the hell out of me, call me and make me wanna figure our what purpose they serve... what twisted mind would dream up this kind of stuff. I guess I'll find out sooner or later, though.

But I'm getting ahead of myself now. Name's Damian Smith. Pleased to meet you, I suppose. Don't mind me if I'm a little less-than-calm. I mean, you ARE in MY head, right? It gets a little uncomfortable in here. Oh, and mind THAT place. That's for Nakibe. He's crazy, and I should know. I HAVE had him here for years now. I'm surprised I haven't gone crazy because of him.... or maybe I am.

Why do I keep him around, you ask? Yeah, sure, he's nothing but trouble. I've known that for a LONG time. And yet, well... he's kinda attached, you understand. Besides, I... err..... never figured out how to get rid of him. And I do kind owe him my life, sorta. Maybe I should just tell you from the beginning about it.

Y'see, I was once a normal little kid. No, not quite like Solis... never had his odd problems with luck. From what I can remember still, I had a nice house... and decent folks. Good bed... and no magical powers that I can tell. Hell, it was quite nice, really. Wish I could go back but... I don't think I would even if I could now. Things have Changed. I've changed. Anyways, it was a normal day, I think... sun was shining, I was out having fun and my parents were just letting me roam the backyard a bit. Yes, I had a yard.... or at least I THINK I had one... anyways, I was out doing... something. Can't remember what at the moment. All of a sudden, a guy in a suit just... strolled out of the bushes. I remember yelling at the folks about a strange man in the yard.

Lotta good THAT did. They looked at where I was pointing... hell, he walked right up to the WINDOW they were looking out of.... and they never saw a thing. I thought they were blind as bats for a moment, and started to yell at them. The guy smiled and did something that I recognize now as a magic spell. At the time, though, I knew it was making the hair stand up on my head. A Bad Thing indeed. Suddenly, there was... an odd aura around my parents. I looked over, and they looked kinda odd. Dad looked like he was in the middle of saying something to me, and Mom was starting out the back door to see what I was yelling about. Was, though, as I suddenly realized that they weren't moving, AT ALL. The stranger grinned at me, and I started to run... after that... I guess he did something to ME, too, because I can't remember much after that.

<p>
*lurks*

Warning: The previous was a work of Chaos. Anything said above was written by a certified nut. Caution is advised

MY head, Dia!!! eVe</p>

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pd Rydia
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>.>

Unread postby pd Rydia » Fri Jul 05, 2002 7:12 pm

*points out that you're evil for stopping where you did* So yeah, the first thing I'm going to say is, if you don't finish this, I will kill you. *nods and smiles* ^_^ You can draw your own conclusions about the overall value of your ficcy from that. Anyway...

While there are parts that could use work, this is pretty good as it is. The first-person narration and the way you've started it out makes for a good hook, I think. However, I could be biased since I know your chars, so on this point I'd put more weight on the opinions of those who aren't very familiar with your chars.

There's a couple quirks of language that I'm trying to figure out if it's just my writing style or dialect getting in the way, or if they need legitimate revision. I'll point them out in a more in-depth critique, if you'd like. Otherwise, I'll just mention two things.

Be careful about over-using ellipsis (as fun, and yummy, as they are...mmm, ellipsis...err! ^_^;; ). In some spots, you could use periods, dashes, or semicolons instead, just for a bit of variety. Overall, that was the most noticeable problem I saw within the writing.

On the other hand, the overall strongest point of the writing that I see is your use of transactions (something people normally have difficulties with). In particular, I think the 'welcome to my head' paragraph and the one directly following are good, strong transactions.

Anyhow, that's my brief response. Again, just let me know if you'd like a more in-depth critique. Otherwise, I'll just wait around for the next installment.

*drags out a lawn chair and lays out to sunbath in the thread in the meantime* <p><hr width="47%"><small>Quotes of the moment (RP quotes):
-=- "I FOUND A CORNER! I found a corner, I found a corner! See, right here! Stuck on the wall! It's a corner! Woo hoo! Now, to stare at it!" -- Daenj'r Tymisonn KingOfDoma)
-=- "Alright then. Now we're one big happy band of happy adventurers, maybe we should get back to the killing, hmm?" -- Jak Snide (Jak Snide)
-=- "Look hun, it's...uh...raining... ...frogs...O_o;;;" -- Aya, Queen of Doma (LDC)
-=- "MEAN HORSIES DON'T GET BISCUITS!!!" -- Solis Darylshield (Nakibe)</p>

Archmage144
 

A positive review from the stands!

Unread postby Archmage144 » Fri Jul 05, 2002 8:16 pm

I like it. Yeeep. Not much more I can say on that, though I agree with Dia's comments about ellipsis. I happen to like and overuse -- (dashes) and ellipsis myself sometimes, and I have to catch myself doing it.

The writing style, other than that, seems fine to me. I happen to like it, though the first person style is a little different from what I'm used to (and how I personally usually write, when I do, so y'know).

And I think Dia meant "transitions." <p><center><table border=1><tr><td><table cellspacing=0 cellpadding=4><tr><td>Image</td><td><center>The Archmage:
Sadistic GM or handsome bishounen? You decide!
RPGWW! Beware of GM!

"I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it."~Voltaire, French Philosopher
"Learn about art, Captain. When you understand a species' art, you understand that species."~Grand Admiral Thrawn
"It involved the internet, my brother, a burner drive, a copy of FF7 for Windows, and my foot."~LadydragonclawsEDW, explaining a case of motherboard failure</center></td><td>Image</td></tr></table></td></tr></table></center></p>

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pd Rydia
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Re: A positive review from the stands!

Unread postby pd Rydia » Fri Jul 05, 2002 8:45 pm

*slaps her forehead* ...I did. I'm an idiot. <p><hr width="47%"><small>Quotes of the moment (RP quotes):
-=- "I FOUND A CORNER! I found a corner, I found a corner! See, right here! Stuck on the wall! It's a corner! Woo hoo! Now, to stare at it!" -- Daenj'r Tymisonn KingOfDoma)
-=- "Alright then. Now we're one big happy band of happy adventurers, maybe we should get back to the killing, hmm?" -- Jak Snide (Jak Snide)
-=- "Look hun, it's...uh...raining... ...frogs...O_o;;;" -- Aya, Queen of Doma (LDC)
-=- "MEAN HORSIES DON'T GET BISCUITS!!!" -- Solis Darylshield (Nakibe)</p>

Firnthuleien
 

Re: A positive review from the stands!

Unread postby Firnthuleien » Sun Jul 07, 2002 5:21 pm

Great story! Like Dia said! Post more of it soon please! ^__^ <p>"Terry meddled in things no man....errr....thing..should have laid eyes on." ~Me"Last time I checked...Canadians didn't live in Igloos..." o.-;; ~Me</p>

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pd Rydia
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*gets out the cooking utensils*

Unread postby pd Rydia » Thu Jul 18, 2002 12:25 am

*bump* >.> <p><hr width="47%"><small>Quotes of the moment:
-=- "Eat chicken, live forever...until you die, then you're screwed." -- Matt
-=- "*Dilute them bloodlines! Make Hitler roll in his grave!*" -- Uncle Pervy
-=- "Inorafeeb eedrayob fehc tae dna ekawa llahs slived." -- Bloodhound Gang
-=- "I exist to celebrate the onion." -- 'Pepito,' (mis)translation of Pablo Neruda's «Oda a la cebolla».</p>

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Nakibe
Lady Malix wills your demise!
 
Posts: 1214
Joined: Wed Apr 24, 2002 8:51 am

Born Into Darkness

Unread postby Nakibe » Mon Jul 22, 2002 3:01 am

I remember waking up in a place as scary to me as any lab Frankenstein could've come up with. All white walls, impossibly sterile. Apparently soundproofed somehow, for all I could hear was a low buzzing noise from the electrical equipment they had strewn across the place, in various working orders. Strapped down in a very uncomfortable chair, staring at a ton of needles and white-coated doctors, and nowhere near my parents, I did the bravest thing that any little kid my age could've done.... I cried. Bawled like a baby, screamed about wanting mommy, Daddy, ANYONE that I knew. That wasn't gonna happen, though, as the white-coats continued what must've been routine for them. Checking scans on me, and pressing big red buttons. Sticking needles in, and taking needles out. I STILL have nightmares of that place occasionally. Even later on, when I'd visit there, I wouldn't exactly be comfortable with it.

After my... examination, I was taken out of the chair by men with shades and black suits on. It was like one of those spy movies or something, except it freaked me out a HELL of a lot more. I honestly thought they were gonna kill me or something then and there. Suddenly, they opened a door and threw me inside a room, then closed the door behind me. I looked up, expecting to see some sort of horrible beast or something. All those wonderful monsters that plague the dreams of little kids. Instead, I was met by a boy my age, looking somewhat less scared than I felt.

<p>
*lurks*

Warning: The previous was a work of Chaos. Anything said above was written by a certified nut. Caution is advised

MY head, Dia!!! eVe</p>Edited by: [url=http://pub30.ezboard.com/unakibe.showPublicProfile?language=EN>Nakibe</A] at: 7/24/02 4:09:14 am

Vampire Jester Jinx
 

Re: This Space For Rent

Unread postby Vampire Jester Jinx » Tue Jul 23, 2002 1:26 am

n_n please finish. me like. <p><font size="1">~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off."-Woody Allen-
"You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot further with a smile and a gun."-Al Capone-
"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."-George Carlin-</font></p>

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pd Rydia
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Re: This Space For Rent

Unread postby pd Rydia » Wed Jul 24, 2002 1:02 am

Yeeee... o.o <p><hr width="47%"><small>Quotes of the moment:
-=- "Eat chicken, live forever...until you die, then you're screwed." -- Matt
-=- "*Dilute them bloodlines! Make Hitler roll in his grave!*" -- Uncle Pervy
-=- "Inorafeeb eedrayob fehc tae dna ekawa llahs slived." -- Bloodhound Gang
-=- "I exist to celebrate the onion." -- 'Pepito,' (mis)translation of Pablo Neruda's «Oda a la cebolla».</p>

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pd Rydia
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*BUMP*

Unread postby pd Rydia » Sun Aug 25, 2002 10:01 pm

*gets out the book 101 Ways to Prepare Testicles*

Come ooooon...post to iiiit... ;_; I wanna read mooore... <p><font color=navy><hr width="47%"><small>Hello, my name is Dia. I'm a dragongirl, and I bite. RAWR!<hr width="31%">Quotes of the moment:
-=- "Love is when your brain stops working." -- White Knight
-=- "Love is when 72 billion monkeys steal a porsche and drive it off a cliff." -- SuperRube
-=- "Love is an intricate dance of lewd comments and biting." -- Lord McBastard</font></p>

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Nakibe
Lady Malix wills your demise!
 
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Joined: Wed Apr 24, 2002 8:51 am

Re: *BUMP*

Unread postby Nakibe » Sat Apr 12, 2003 10:41 pm

Yeah. It took a few weeks for me to stop crying and shaking, and doing more important things, like eating and dreaming up nightmares. My roommate was nice enough, I suppose, named Ansem. He didn't seem... quite right to me. Something was odd, but I couldn't figure out what. That was about the time that Ansem decided to tell me about the things he'd seen.

Apparently Ansem didn't think it scary at all to be in a "labbatowy" out in the middle of nowhere with no parents. But upon looking back, I guess the kid had done what I eventually did... gave up on that aspect of himself. But I digress.

Anyways, he started talking about the various adults here. "They're Nice enough", he said, "if you don't mind em floatin stuff and other things." Turns out that the place was a lab, made purely for testing mages. Not like the kid said it QUITE that way, mind you... but I knew enough about it to realize that it'd probably be white and scary and might involve needles. And there was something else.... Ansem, for all his enthusiasm, looked genuinely scared when he mentioned it. Just said the name once and never said anything about it. Clammed right up.

The word was "Gauntlet".


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pd Rydia
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Re: *BUMP*

Unread postby pd Rydia » Sat Apr 12, 2003 10:50 pm

OMFG a post! o_o

*dies*

*revives* Right. YAY! ^_^ Good installment...nice place to end, even if it was too short. ={ I'll abide...for now.


Image <p>
<span style="font-size:xx-small;">-=- "Careful wit' that blade, th's innkeep's a cranky sort when folks start fightin' Ye dun wanna know how many rowdy drunks she's ate" -- Uncle Pervy
-=- "I'm sorry, but there are rules to uphold here. No nakedness is one of them. Along with no suicide and no fighting." -- Will Baseton
-=- "Maybe... or maybe you're just not drunk enough." -- Nakibe</span></p>Edited by: [url=http://p068.ezboard.com/brpgww60462.showUserPublicProfile?gid=pdrydia>pd]&nbsp; Image at: 6/8/05 22:35


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