The Hit, Chapter 1, the editing process

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pd Rydia
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The Hit, Chapter 1, the editing process

Unread postby pd Rydia » Thu Nov 04, 2004 5:46 pm

<small>Okay, so. Rather than list individually every suggestion, I just took Molo's chapter into Wordpad, and edited away. changes are marked in blue, notes in red, with the exception of very minor changes (such as changing . . . to ..., as there was some variance within the piece).

I would suggest that Jak and/or Smartz take this and edit it next, to reflect changes that have occurred in their RPing ability and characters. Jak may also want to reflect such in Kotoki, as well. But whoever wants to take a go at it next, just mention it in a short post so people know to wait, and then go at it.

By all means, if you want to make any changes to my changes, go ahead, if you can see a way to improve things.

[edit] Feel free to just take this into Wordpad/whatever and post your changes, or if you only have a few, post them up as Jak did.

Anyway, the stuffs!

the original</small>


<hr size=7 align=left>

<big><center>THE HIT: THE UNABRIDGED EPIC</big>

<small>Original compiled by Molokidan
first edits by Rydia [marked in <font color=blue>blue</font>]
second edits by Jak Snide [marked in <font color=green>green</font>]
</small></center>


Chapter 1 - The Hit


It was night.

End Reshiki huddled under a bush, assuming he was alone.

"End..." a voice whispered. "You're becoming quite the wanted man, you know."

End <font color=blue>whirled</font> around suddenly to face his new visitor. It was <font color=blue>another</font> moogle, about the same size as himself, except this one was covered in brown spots. End didn't care who he was<font color=blue>--he</font> had no time for this. "...go away."

"You must know that we've chosen you as the leader of the rebellion." the brown-spotted moogle insisted.

"I don't know anything about that<font color=blue>,</font>" End <font color=blue>replied</font>, looking around suspiciously. "I just want to pilfer the Doman castle."

"Well, an epic act calls for epic consequences<font color=blue>,</font>" the <font color=blue>other</font> moogle <font color=blue>chuckled</font>, turning to move off. "Just remember that."

***

A <font color=blue>gathering of</font> four <font color=blue>figures</font> huddled around the small fire, shivering in the cold darkness. They had been in the forest since dusk, due to the orders of a certain person named Folx Numeroso.

He was a tall, brown-haired warrior <font color=blue>kitsunejin</font>, wearing a green vest with brown hiking pants. On his back was a bow and a quiver, usual fare for your freemill assassin. He was currently hunched down on the ground, tending to the fire with an extra sword.

His companions<font color=blue>--</font>Cantor, Kira, and Lance<font color=blue>--</font>sat around the fire as well, shivering, and generally looking rather bored.

"Folx, how long do we have to stay out here? I'm sick of this!" <font color=blue>growling</font> Cantor, a young elven mage wearing a white shirt and grey pants. A small blade was <font color=blue>sheathed</font> at his side, and had a lute hanging from his shoulder. He was currently clinging to an old-looking grey cape, his long brown hair hidden by a matching grey mage's hat.

Folx smiled, staring into the fire with his deep blue eyes. "We're waiting for someone. You'll see..."

<font color=blue>More time passed. Folx tended the fire with infinite patience, while his campanions waited with varying levels of boredom. Cantor was about to indulge in another outburst when, finally, he looked up to notice a man quietly approaching the four.

The brown-haired stranger wore gold-trimmed, over-shaped glasses, behind which peered dark brown eyes. His gaze was intent and gave off the impression of...of book smarts, Cantor decided grumpily.</font>

As <font color=blue>the stranger sat down at the fire and glanced over at Folx, the kitsunejin looked him in the eyes unwaveringly and, without mincing his words, demanded,</font> "Are you the man?"

"Uh, yeah, sorta. I'm the Chancellor of Doma, Smartz." He shook his gloved hand vigorously. "You're an assassin, the king wants End Reshiki dead. Put the two together okay?"

"End Reshiki?" Cantor's ears perked up. "Who's that?"

Smartz turned to Cantor, looking a bit less than interested. "Big loser. Wants to kill Doma. Leads this rebellion thingy. Got that?"

"Man, how lame<font color=blue>..."</font> Kira whispered to Cantor. She was a beautiful elven girl, wearing light robes of white and pink. A brown wooden staff slumped to the side of her.

"Hey, I heard that!" Smartz said, looking in the direction of the two elves. "So, gonna take the job?"

"How much does it pay?" Lance, a tall warrior fox with black armor <font color=red>[as a minor note, Lance is, in later RPs, a vampire dragoon--I'm not sure what his race is before being a vampire, or how old of a vampire he is...End might know. I'll check into this, but we may need to mess around with Lance's race a bit in the end]</font>, dark brown hair and deep, brooding eyes, asked. He was sitting farthest away from the group, against a tree, just close enough to the fire to stay warm.

"<font color=blue>4,000,000 gil upon completion, plus 6,000 a week</font>. Is that enough?" <font color=red>[adjustments made in light of the fact that the Doman gil's value has been defined]</font>

Folx looked a little shocked. "Uh, I need to, uh, consult with my party. Hold on." The <font color=blue>kitsunejin</font> and his confederates got into a huddle. There was some shouting, some jumping, and a little dancing, but overall, it was pretty tame. They broke the huddle. "After some consideration, we've decided to accept your offer."

"Good. See you when the job's done..." The chancellor said, walking off and dissapearing into the darkness.

The four watched Smartz leave, and then turned back to the fire, each a little uneasy at the task they had decided to undergo.

Lance walked out in front of everyone. "One question. Exactly how are we to find this End Reshiki person?"

"Don't you know anything?" Cantor cried. "We'll wander straight into the rebel stronghold, and eventually we'll run into him!"

"I just thought we might actually for some reason just go and assassinate this person..." Lance muttered, shaking his head silently.

Kira stepped between the two. "Stop that. Cantor is right, but maybe we could head back to the city to shorten our journey... at least until we get an airship or some kind of quick transportation."

"Transportation. Now there's an idea." Lance said, pointing to Kira. "I'm following this lady." he said, arching an eyebrow in Cantor's direction. "Come on, Folx."

Folx smiled, began to step in pace, and the quartet moved out of the forest as morning began to dawn on the world.

***

Not too much long after that, Jak Snide awoke in his second rate bed in his third rate inn. He rolled over and fried a rat which was trying to make off with his morning bread. Groaning slightly, he hopped out of bed, bent over and picked up his rather <font color=blue>burnt</font> toast. He took a bite, and the <font color=blue>entire</font> roll crumbled. It was going to be a long day.

He would never normally stay in a dump like this. He would normally stay in the hotel across town with the great mountain view, comfy beds and the attractive bar maid. However, that hotel had been commandeered by Doman troops and converted into a temporary headquarters. Something about a revolution of sorts. Quite frankly, he didn't care. As long as he could still be employed to <font color=green>perform acts of wanton and gratifying violence</font>, he was happy.

Suddenly, there was a knock on his door. Changing into his green robes and his old, dusty, hat in about 0.46 seconds flat, he walked over to the door, and opened it, left hand with a fireball charged behind his back.

At the door stood Kotoki, the owner of Kotoki's Bar and Inn, his current place of residence.

"Pay up!" she growled. "Your rent is a month overdue, and you're my only tenant now that everybody else here went off and joined the rebellion...<font color=green>all due to that End Reshiki."</font>

She tapped <font color=blue>her foot</font> impatiently on the floor. "Well? Are you going to keep me standing here, or are you going to give me the 1000 Gil you owe me?"

<font color=blue>Beside</font> her stood Molokidan, a short, cheery-faced boy with a mess of spiky blue hair on his head. He wore a green tunic, with a purple shirt underneath, and stood shorter than the cute yet frightening landlady herself. Jak had had the misfortune of talking to the 14-year-old kid earlier, when he was trying to score a room. He looked back from Molokidan to Kotoki. 'Yep,' he thought to himself. 'This is going to be a VERY bad day.'

"She's right you know, Mr. Snide!" Molokidan shouted, in a voice that was a bit too loud for the small room. "Everyone ran off to help out in that rebellion thingy! That's how I was lucky enough to get a job here with Kotoki!" he said, spontaneously wrapping his arms around Kotoki in an unsettlingly close hug.

"Hey, quit it!" Kotoki said, pushing him away. "I only hired you because I had no workers left! Go get busy!"

"Um...sorry for interrupting, but..." Jak muttered, pausing the rising tiff between the two. "I do have <font color=blue>the</font> gil. Will that do?' he said, pulling the coins from the depths of his robes.

'A thousand gil for a MONTH...' he thought. 'Even the land lady knows this place is cheap. Still...there is a reason for coming here.' he thought as he gave Kotoki a quick glance. 'I'm suprised she doesn't have more customers, even with End Resh...'

"END RESHIKI?!" He blurted out, his mind <font color=green>finally</font> registering the name. <font color=green>He had never expected that kleptomaniacal fuzzball to amount to anything, let alone becoming involved in the rebellion.</font>

"Yeah. That's the guy in charge of this whole rebellion thing." Kotoki eyed Jak inquisitvely. "You didn't know? It's all over the place. I even heard there've been assasination attempts. Good riddance, I say. If I had even one extra tenant, I might get together enough money to actually renovate a bit..."

***

"Are you sure we can go into this place?" Cantor stared at the front of Kotoki's Bar and Inn. The windowpanes were cracked, the paint was chipped all over, and there were numerous holes in the roof. The four hired bounty hunters were standing outside in the morning light of the streets of Doma City, currently looking for a place to find some breakfast--as well as clues about where to find End Reshiki.

"Stay out here if you want<font color=blue>,</font>" Lance shrugged, swinging open the door. "I'll see you guys inside."

Cantor's face drew into a grimace. He struggled to search for something to say, but nothing came out. Kira patted him on the shoulder. "I guess we should go inside, don't you think?" she <font color=blue>asked with a smile</font>.

"She's right, Cantor<font color=blue>,</font>" Folx <font color=blue>agreed</font>, his smile never wavering. "Come on, I know you're hungry."

The four entered the inside of the bar, a quaint, dim tavern made entirely of oak. For a moment, it was silent, almost serene. And then...

"CUSTOMERS!!" Molokidan yelled happily, whizzing down the stairs.

Kotoki followed Molokidan downstairs, still happily absorbed in her money. She grabbed a broom and forced it into Molokidan's hands, shooing him in front of her. "Sweep! Sweep! I need to make a good impression!"

Jak watched the sudden turn of events with no real surprise, then turned around to begin to gather up his belongings. That was about the time he noticed he had a visitor.

It was a small moogle, with white fur and brown spots. He had an orange antenna, and was currently sitting on Jak's bed, inspecting the cushioning.

"This doesn't seem like your style, kupo," he said, beginning to sniff it.

"What are you doing here?" Jak <font color=blue>growled</font>, rubbing his neck impatiently. <font color=green>"Do you have some more business for me, or is this just a social call?"</font>

"Business I do have, kupo!" the moogle <font color=blue>chirped</font>, hopping off his bed to face him. "It is personal business as well."

"Get to the point," Jak <font color=blue>demanded irritably</font>. "You're not exactly on good terms, with me, you know..." he muttered. <font color=blue>"</font>You didn't nearly pay me enough for poisoning those Doman soldiers."

"Alright, alright." the moogle said, grinning. "It's about the rebellion."

Jak sighed.

"In any case, the rebellion has another mission to ask of you<font color=blue>--</font>one of utmost importance. This isn't your simple 'poison insignificants and run like hell'<font color=blue>--</font>you're defending the life of End Reshiki himself. It is believed that <font color=blue>King</font> Doma's chancellor has hired mercenaries to eliminate our fearless leader<font color=blue>...we even</font> have unconfirmed reports that they're in this very town, attempting an attack on headquarters. Your job is to eliminate them, hopefully with a really cool<font color=blue>-</font>looking spell. Should you accept, you'll be rewarded handsomely, and End Reshiki will forever favor you." the moogle stood there, grinning, as if daring Jak to turn him down. "Do you accept, Jak? Or have I wasted my time<font color=blue>...kupo</font>?"

Jak rubbed his chin, contemplating what the moogle had just told him. "So basically, I gotta stop anyone from whacking <font color=green>Reshiki</font>? Sounds simple enough, how much are you offering? It best be more than 10K this time round. Keeping people alive isn't my speciality."

*** <p>
<center><small>"We are just poor, wandering corn farmers..."
</p>Edited by: pd Rydia&nbsp; Image at: 11/4/04 6:30 pm

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Re: The Hit, Chapter 1, the editing process

Unread postby Jak Snide » Thu Nov 04, 2004 5:57 pm

Ho hum!

Change "stupid End Reshiki..." to "all due to that End Reshiki."

Misspelling of Reshiki as Rekishi was unintentional :(

Edit: More stuff!

Change "As long as he could still be employed to fry things which move but people wanted dead, he was happy." to "As long as he could still be employed to perform acts of wanton and gratifying violence he was happy."

Additions to the paragraph "END RESHIKI?!" He blurted out, his mind finally registering the name. He'd never expected that kleptomaniacal fuzzball to amount to anything, let alone becoming involved in the rebellion.

Remove the periods in "What are you doing here...?"

Change "I told you only to contact me if you had business. How did you find me, anyway?" to "Do you have some more business for me, or is this just a social call?"

Edited by: Jak Snide&nbsp; Image at: 11/4/04 6:18 pm

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Re: The Hit, Chapter 1, the editing process

Unread postby Molokidan » Thu Nov 04, 2004 9:55 pm

Great job so far, Dia.

Anyway. . .

Ah, a vampire, so that's it. I see.

While Lance does do some biting, he never really dotes on the fact that he is vampiric, and needs blood. (unlike Kotoki, whose vampiric blood is a key part in the story)

I just figured it was the fact that he was a biped animal, that biting people seemed to be alright.

So, adding in that he's a vampiric kitsunejin there is fine, it's not like it will mess up with the story or anything. <p>---------------

"Well slap a dead fish on me and call me Molokidan!"</p>Edited by: [url=http://p068.ezboard.com/brpgww60462.showUserPublicProfile?gid=molokidan>Molokidan</A]&nbsp; Image at: 11/4/04 9:57 pm

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Re: The Hit, Chapter 1, the editing process

Unread postby Endesu » Fri Nov 05, 2004 10:55 am

Quote:
Misspelling of Reshiki as Rekishi was unintentional :(

Sure it was. >:

Anyhow! End is okay here. He's still a bit of a jerk, and will be so until some point during the whole Astrynax thing.

As far as Lance goes, Molo is correct: I don't remember him ever having any sort of special vampiric traits. Mention it in passing at most. <p>

<span style="font-size:x-small;">Bebi Vegita: I made everyone into glorious Tsufurujin, but you're the exception, damned Saiyajin. You're going to be killed by my hands!
Goku: I like that better! I'd rather die than be your servant.
Bebi Vegita: Then, DIE!!</span></p>

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Re: The Hit, Chapter 1, the editing process

Unread postby pd Rydia » Fri Nov 05, 2004 4:22 pm

Folx wrote about it in While the Hit Reaches its Conclusion. You even summarized about it in one of your own RPs--a summary I copy and pasted into http://www.rpgww.org/rpstuff/board/whil ... ion_01.rtf . :o <p>
<center><small>"We are just poor, wandering corn farmers..."
</p>

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Re: The Hit, Chapter 1, the editing process

Unread postby Endesu » Fri Nov 05, 2004 4:53 pm

Oh dear.

:((

Someone can hit me with an owned stick now. <p>

<span style="font-size:x-small;">Bebi Vegita: I made everyone into glorious Tsufurujin, but you're the exception, damned Saiyajin. You're going to be killed by my hands!
Goku: I like that better! I'd rather die than be your servant.
Bebi Vegita: Then, DIE!!</span></p>

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Re: The Hit, Chapter 1, the editing process

Unread postby Jak Snide » Fri Nov 05, 2004 5:30 pm

Image

That work?


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Re: The Hit, Chapter 1, the editing process

Unread postby pd Rydia » Fri Nov 05, 2004 6:45 pm

Image <p>
<center><small>"We are just poor, wandering corn farmers..."
</p>

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Re: The Hit, Chapter 1, the editing process

Unread postby Jak Snide » Fri Nov 05, 2004 7:03 pm

Dia wins far more than I can possibly imagine :(


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Re: The Hit, Chapter 1, the editing process

Unread postby Endesu » Fri Nov 05, 2004 11:33 pm

._. Yes, yes, I am doubly owned. It hurts the soul, it does. <p>

<span style="font-size:x-small;">Bebi Vegita: I made everyone into glorious Tsufurujin, but you're the exception, damned Saiyajin. You're going to be killed by my hands!
Goku: I like that better! I'd rather die than be your servant.
Bebi Vegita: Then, DIE!!</span></p>

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Re: The Hit, Chapter 1, the editing process

Unread postby pd Rydia » Fri Nov 05, 2004 11:45 pm

*pat pat*

Should I move on to the next chapter? Would anyone else like the honors of going at it before me? And should I poke people people with pointy sticks? <p>
<center><small>"We are just poor, wandering corn farmers..."
</p>

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Re: The Hit, Chapter 1, the editing process

Unread postby Molokidan » Sat Nov 06, 2004 4:42 am

Yeah, go for it!

Although as End stated, someone does need to bug Smartz and KoD to get involved with this.

And I forgot about that whole "While the Hit Reaches its Conclusion" thread. In fact, it had completely left my mind without a trace! <p>---------------

"Well slap a dead fish on me and call me Molokidan!"</p>


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