A Warrior's Beginning - Part 1

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Spleen
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A Warrior's Beginning - Part 1

Unread postby Spleen » Sun Nov 30, 2003 9:33 pm

(This is part one of my three or four {haven't decided yet} part fic on Seryntas' origins. Tell me what you think, and spare no criticism.)

A strange man walked down a worn dirt path through fields of grain. The robe covering his gaunt form was gray, though by the look of it, it was apparently once white. The traveller leaned heavily on his old staff, which was curiously burnt-looking. He stopped just two hundred yards from the door of the large farmhouse at the end of the path.

“Are you sure this is the place?” he asked, hesitantly.

A voice in his head sounded as though yelled from a mile away. Of course I’m sure. Just knock on the door. The father will answer–

“Well he’s not a father yet.”

Well he will be, if you follow my instructions. Do you have the bead?

“Yes, yes, Father. I have the bead.” The traveler was impatient to reach his destination.

Good for you, son. You know how to use it?

“I’m not your son, Father.”

You are for the time being.

“Would you please just admit – at least to yourself – that you’re a chauvinistic pig who thinks himself inadequate because his offspring happened to have been born female?”

I will admit something…namely that a certain daughter of a certain god needs to finish a certain task if she ever wants to be female again.

“I don’t see why I couldn’t do this in a female body.”

I explained this already. This was the closest, freshest corpse I could find for you to use.

“It smells.”

It’s a corpse. Of course it smells. Be glad the body hasn’t started rotting yet.

“I hate you.”

So be it, my dear Herald, so be it. Use the bead, and return here as soon as possible.

“Yes, yes.”

The smelly corpse of a dead hermit knocked its bloodless, demigod-driven hand on the farmhouse door. The door opened to reveal, as the Herald’s father had predicted, the future father. His face was pale and stained with either sweat or tears – the Herald couldn’t tell. “What?” he asked rather irritably.

His irritation is understandable, the Herald thought. “I was wondering if you had any food to spare an old, starving traveler.”

The farmer’s eyes widened as though the Herald had committed some great injustice against him, then narrowed again. “My wife is slowly dying in our bed," the farmer said coldly. "If you’re still starving tomorrow, I assure you I can provide as much food as you need. Neither of us will need it anymore.” With that, the farmer slammed the door in the Herald’s face.

“Father?” the Herald asked tentatively.

I am here.

“Are you sure what I'm going to do is right?”

You heard Varell. If Tarya dies, then he will end himself.

You are saving them both.


“You know that’s not what I meant, Father.”

I know…do not worry. Neither of them will affect the track of this universe in a large way.

The Herald sighed inwardly. “I understand.” She guided the body’s hand to the door again and knocked. Varell opened the door.

”What is it now?!” the old farmer yelled.

“I can help your wife.”

Varell’s eyes narrowed. “Many have tried.”

“Many have tried, one will succeed. May I see your wife?”

The farmer exhaled, trying to master his rage. “Fine. Do what you see fit…if she dies from your ministrations, it will not make a difference in her state.” Varell guided the Herald through the modestly-decorated farmhouse to Tarya’s side. She was, the Herald sensed, fluctuating between consciousness and unconsciousness. During her increasingly shorter returns to consciousness, she wavered between lucidity and delirium. Her internal body temperature was much too high for a normal human, almost 104 degrees Fahrenheit. The demigod attuned her senses to the submicroscopic and stared into one of Tarya's infected cells. The disease was viral. She didn’t recognize the virus, but to an agent of an omnipotent god (no matter how far removed from the plane of the god’s omnipotence) all virii are the same.

The Herald turned the corpse she inhabited to Varell. “I must be alone to do this.”

The farmer nodded hopelessly and left, shutting the door behind him. Immediately the hermit’s corpse fell lifeless again onto the wooden floor as the Herald burst forth in her true form. Her deeply-tanned body was slim but covered in wiry muscle. Long, slightly curly bright red hair with yellow and orange highlights cascaded down her back, somehow keeping out of the way of the sword sheath strapped to her back.
She wore a loose-fitting shirt and a pair of trousers made of a strange cloth that flowed and shined like silk but seemed far less delicate, more like chain mail.

She picked a small shiny sphere from the corpse she had just inhabited and looked through it with her divine powers. Inside she could see a single sperm cell, swimming in circles through the fluid inside.

“This is our world’s savior? By my father, I hope so.”

The old hermit’s body opened the door about twenty minutes later (two of those spent killing the virus and inserting the sperm-holding bead into Tarya’s fallopian tubes and the other eighteen just for show) to see Varell pacing outside the door. “Will she recover? Did you heal her?” he asked. The demigod-inhabited corpse nodded and tried to look worn out, but couldn’t stop a slight smile from appearing on its face. Varell didn’t appear to notice, though, because he had already shoved past the Herald into the room to stand at his wife’s quickly healing side.

“Father?” the Herald whispered softly. “It is done. I’m coming home.”

(EDIT: Editted in response to the wise comments of Raishilliah and E Mouse.) <p>"Especially when you put them up to your eyes and said, 'Look at me, I have chocobo testicles for eyes!'"
-Nezetta (Shinigori)</p>Edited by: [url=http://pub30.ezboard.com/brpgww60462.showUserPublicProfile?gid=spleeninfinity13>SpleenInfinity13</A]&nbsp; Image at: 12/1/03 9:27 pm

Raishilliah
 

Re: A Warrior's Beginning - Part 1

Unread postby Raishilliah » Sun Nov 30, 2003 11:02 pm

Not bad, though there are a few things that could use work... Namely, spacing. That would make this soooo much easier to read.

Now, for critique!!!
"He leaned heavily on his old staff, which was curiously burnt-looking. He stopped just two hundred yards from the door of the large farmhouse at the end of the path." A bit heavy on the pronouns here... Try a different word besides "he" or combine the two sentences.

“I was wondering if you had any food to spare an old, starving traveler some food.” ...What? Too many "food"s in one sentence. This could use a bit of revising.

"I am h" What was this supposed to say? It was cut off mid-sentence.

"She guided the body’s hand to the door again, and knocked."
The comma isn't needed there.

"She was, the Herald sensed, fluctuating between consciousness and unconsciousness, and lucidity and delirium during consciousness."
...Rework this. It's too strung out.

“Father?” the Herald whispered softly, “It's done. I’m coming home.”
I think there's supposed to be a perioud after "softly" instead of a comma.

All in all, not bad.
<p>

l33tPenguinePimp: I'm going to try to make a bread bowl.
KnightsofSquare: Good luck.
KnightsofSquare: I can't even make a bread play ping pong.</p>

E Mouse
 

Re: A Warrior's Beginning - Part 1

Unread postby E Mouse » Sun Nov 30, 2003 11:04 pm

I comment more on writing quality than on the story, because I'm out of date to the OMFG extreme as far as RPGWW continuity goes.

So does that mean I suck? Damn straight.

FIRST: Style.

I prefer to double-space entering, at least, in writing, because then it's clearer when it's a new paragraph, especially when a line ends at the far right of the... window or whatever. But maybe that's just my style, use what you think works.

SECOND: Overall.

Pretty good beginning. Demigods interfering in mortal affairs, wahoo!

Yeah.

THIRD: Specifics.

A strange man walked a worn dirt path through fields of grain. The robe covering his gaunt form was gray, though by the look of it apparently once white. He leaned heavily on his old staff, which was curiously burnt-looking. He stopped just two hundred yards from the door of the large farmhouse at the end of the path.

(I would add that he's walking down the path, and rework the description of the robe; as it is, the description's functional, but it isn't very clear at first glance. Try: "The robe covering his gaunt form was grey, though by the looks of it, the clothing was apparantly once white.")

“Are you sure this is the place?” he asked, hesitatingly.
A voice in his head sounded as though yelled from a mile away. Of course I’m sure. Just knock on the door. The father will answer–
“Well he’s not a father yet.”
Well he will be, if you follow my instructions. Do you have the bead?
“Yes, yes, Father. I have the bead.” The traveler was impatient to reach his destination.

(Is hesitatingly a word? Hesitantly sounds better in my mind. "A voice inside his head spoke, sounding as though the words were yelled from a mile away." Exasperation would probably be a good word for the last line here, but the impatience seems to come out of nowhere - maybe that's just my style.)

Good for you, son. You know how to use it?
“I’m not your son, Father.”
You are for the time being.
“Would you please just admit – at least to yourself – that you’re a chauvinistic pig who thinks himself inadequate because his offspring happened to have been born female?”
I will admit something…namely that a certain daughter of a certain god needs to finish a certain task if she ever wants to be female again.
“I don’t see why I couldn’t do this in a female body.”
I explained this already. This was the closest, freshest corpse I could find for you to use.
“It smells.”
It’s a corpse. Of course it smells. Be glad the body hasn’t started rotting yet.
“I hate you.”
So be it, my dear Herald, so be it. Use the bead, and return here as soon as possible.
“Yes, yes.”

(Looks good to me. NEXT!)

The smelly corpse of a dead hermit knocked its bloodless, demigod-driven hand on the farmhouse door. The door opened to reveal, as the Herald’s father predicted, the future father. His face was pale and stained with either sweat or tears – the Herald couldn’t tell. “What?” he asked rather irritably. Understandably so, the Herald thought.
“I was wondering if you had any food to spare an old, starving traveler some food.”
The farmer’s eyes widened as though the Herald had committed some great injustice against him. “My wife is slowly dying in our bed. If you’re still starving tomorrow, I assure you I can provide as much food as you need. Neither of us will need it anymore.” With that, the farmer slammed the door in the Herald’s face.

(As the Herald's father had predicted, I would say... maybe a paragraph break before the farmer asks "What?" and again before the Herald's thoughts. The use of 'he' at "What?" is functional, but since the Herald's name is mentioned shortly before and they're the same gender, I would personally refer to the farmer another way. Nix the repeat of 'some food.' Some description of the future father's last line would be nice - snarled?)

“Father?” the Herald asked tentatively.
I am here.
“Are you sure what I am to do is right?”
You heard Varell. If Tarya dies, then he will end himself. You are saving them both.
“You know that’s not what I meant, Father.”
I know…do not worry. Neither of them will affect the track of this universe in a large way.
The Herald sighed inwardly. “I understand.” She guided the body’s hand to the door again, and knocked. Varell opened the door.

(The sudden gender switch for the Herald seems a little odd to me, but I guess it has to happen sometime. It'd work better if there was a mention of daughter, if you feel you can work that in.)

”What is it now?!” the old farmer yelled.
“I can help your wife.”
Varell’s eyes narrowed. “Many have tried.”
“Many have tried, one will succeed. May I see your wife?”
The farmer exhaled, trying to master his rage. “Fine. Do what you see fit…if she dies from your ministrations, it will not make a difference in her state.”

(I would use "One may" rather than "one will," but that's just my uncertainty - also gives more pretense of humbility. It'd also be nice to add 'to her in her state' and make a threat about killing the hermit if he does kill Tarya. "'But I can't promise I'll just let you go in that case.' he growled.")

Varell guided the Herald through the modestly-decorated farmhouse to Tarya’s side. She was, the Herald sensed, fluctuating between consciousness and unconsciousness, and lucidity and delirium during consciousness. Her internal body temperature was much too high for a normal human, almost 104 degrees Fahrenheit. The demigod attuned her senses to the submicroscopic and stared into an infected cell. The disease was viral. She didn’t recognize the virus, but to an agent of an omnipotent god (no matter how far removed from the plane of the god’s omnipotence) all virii are the same.

('During her times of consciousness...' Might help to mention whose infected cells those are!)

The Herald turned the corpse to Varell. “I must be alone to do this.”
Varell nodded hopelessly and left, shutting the door behind him. Immediately the hermit’s corpse fell lifeless again onto the wooden floor as the Herald burst forth in her true form. Her deeply-tanned body was slim but covered in wiry muscle. Long, slightly curly bright red hair with yellow and orange highlights cascaded down her back, somehow keeping out of the way of the sword sheath strapped to her back. She wore a loose-fitting shirt and a pair of trousers made of a strange cloth that flowed and shined like silk but seemed far less delicate, more like chain mail.

(I would refer to Varell as 'the farmer' at the start of the second paragraph here, to avoid overusing his name. Might want to say 'the corpse she was possessing or similar. Otherwise, good.)

She picked a small shiny sphere from the corpse she had just inhabited and looked through it with her divine powers. Inside she could see a single sperm cell, swimming in circles through the fluid inside.
“This is our world’s savior? By my father, I hope so.”
The old hermit’s body opened the door about twenty minutes later (two of those spent killing the virus and inserting the sperm-holding bead into Tarya’s fallopian tubes and the other eighteen just for show) to see Varell pacing outside the door. “Will she recover? Did you heal her?” The demigod-inhabited corpse nodded and tried to look worn out, but couldn’t stop a slight smile from appearing on its face. Varell didn’t appear to notice, though, because he had already shoved past the Herald into the room to stand at his wife’s quickly healing side.
“Father?” the Herald whispered softly, “It is done. I’m coming home.”

(Should be clearer that Varell is asking about the chances of recovery... again, otherwise fine.)

And one final question: Why couldn't the Herald do the whole thing in her normal form? Fear of recognition, trying to be subtle, what? There's a good explanation, but I want to know, and it might be good to add into the fic so that people don't have to ask.

Yes, I'm being quite critical, and I have to apologize for that. Still, I liked it, Spleen. Don't hate me for it. :(

EDIT: Silly me forgot to change back to EZCodes! <p>-------

E'S QUOTE OF THE WHENEVER:

"I'm here to burn the lollipops."</p>Edited by: E Mouse&nbsp; Image at: 11/30/03 11:06 pm

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Spleen
I put a BOMB inside EVERY BAD GUY!
 
Posts: 2625
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Re: A Warrior's Beginning - Part 1

Unread postby Spleen » Sun Nov 30, 2003 11:21 pm

Thanks for the crits, both of you.

With the "I am h" thing, it was messing it up before for some reason, but I appear to have fixed it now.

And regarding the "sounded" thing, it's "sounded" as in "he sounded the alarm." <p>"Especially when you put them up to your eyes and said, 'Look at me, I have chocobo testicles for eyes!'"
-Nezetta (Shinigori)</p>Edited by: [url=http://pub30.ezboard.com/brpgww60462.showUserPublicProfile?gid=spleeninfinity13>SpleenInfinity13</A]&nbsp; Image at: 11/30/03 11:38 pm

E Mouse
 

Re: A Warrior's Beginning - Part 1

Unread postby E Mouse » Sun Nov 30, 2003 11:43 pm

Okay, now I see. Still seems a little odd, though - not to mention easily misinterpereted! Oh well. <p>-------

E'S QUOTE OF THE WHENEVER:

"I'm here to burn the lollipops."</p>

Firnthuleien
 

Re: A Warrior's Beginning - Part 1

Unread postby Firnthuleien » Tue Dec 02, 2003 3:35 pm

Wow. o.o Not much more I can add then E and Plushie, but very good job Spleen ^_^

I want to see more! :{{


(Oh yes, and the answer to your question on AIM that I didn't get a chance to answer was "No. You didn't OOC the Herald at all ^_^" so don't worry!) <p><div style="text-align:center"> Image
(9:58:37 PM) Shinigori has entered the room.
DWSage008 (9:58:39 PM): I'm disturbed. How about you?
</div></p>

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Spleen
I put a BOMB inside EVERY BAD GUY!
 
Posts: 2625
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Re: A Warrior's Beginning - Part 1

Unread postby Spleen » Thu Dec 04, 2003 11:24 pm

By the way, E, she went as the hermit because in her normal form she kind of radiates power...it's the attribute that allows her to appear in cities and silence crowds with her presense so she can read a proclamation or message from her father. <p>"Especially when you put them up to your eyes and said, 'Look at me, I have chocobo testicles for eyes!'"
-Nezetta (Shinigori)</p>

E Mouse
 

Re: A Warrior's Beginning - Part 1

Unread postby E Mouse » Fri Dec 05, 2003 8:45 pm

Okay, thanks.

To add content to this post I would mention something about the farmer noticing this, but I'm guessing he would be either too worried to feel it or willing to assume that the he would assume the power was from some kind of powerful healing magic.

But since I just defeated my own purpose, I don't really have anything to say here.

... damn. <p>-------

E'S QUOTE OF THE WHENEVER:

"I'm here to burn the lollipops."</p>

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Spleen
I put a BOMB inside EVERY BAD GUY!
 
Posts: 2625
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Re: A Warrior's Beginning - Part 1

Unread postby Spleen » Fri Dec 05, 2003 8:50 pm

She was hiding it, hence the need for the disguise. <p>"Especially when you put them up to your eyes and said, 'Look at me, I have chocobo testicles for eyes!'"
-Nezetta (Shinigori)</p>

E Mouse
 

Re: A Warrior's Beginning - Part 1

Unread postby E Mouse » Fri Dec 05, 2003 8:57 pm

And what about the two minutes/however long she spent without the disguise?

Another alternative: The 'radiating power' intimidation quality requires people to see her for them to feel it!

Okay, I'm just being stupid now. <p>-------

E'S QUOTE OF THE WHENEVER:

"I'm here to burn the lollipops."</p>

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Spleen
I put a BOMB inside EVERY BAD GUY!
 
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Re: A Warrior's Beginning - Part 1

Unread postby Spleen » Sun Dec 07, 2003 11:54 pm

Actually, I meant that to be the case...you do have to see her. I'm a bad explainer, that's all. <p>"Especially when you put them up to your eyes and said, 'Look at me, I have chocobo testicles for eyes!'"
-Nezetta (Shinigori)</p>


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