Dark Tidings: Prologue

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Besyanteo
Would-be GitP Bard
 
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Dark Tidings: Prologue

Unread postby Besyanteo » Sat Nov 15, 2003 11:28 am

Before I begin, I should note if I'm going to do this right, it'll have to be broken up into several posts, so look for more! Also, don't hold back on neat things like constructive criticism. They will be well recieved here!




<div style="text-align:center">The History of Bes, Anteo and Saedeus</div>

Saedeus, the Scorpion Demon, Necromancer and Shadow Magus. Despite his eloquent, self given title, the demon's story had a decidedly more humble begining.

He was involved in the Necromancy war against Baron years ago. With all his power, you might think he was a General? Not quite. An officer then? Not exactly.
Saedeus was the servant of Necromancer army. Cannon fodder. He had either to run point against the Baronian forces with others in his position, and most certainly die, or to find a means of escape.

As fate would have it, such a means presented itself. Two young men, an apprentice mage and a squire, sat on a hill top late in the night. They had opened a nexus in an attempt to summon forth their own demonic servant. Saedeus could see it was a very, very poorly casted spell. A willing demon would have to step through of their own accord, knowing it would mean being bound to these pathetic humans. Of course, he siezed the oppourtunity to prolong his pathetic existence.

However, in his rush to escape his fate, Saedeus did not see the full extent of how poorly the young mage's spell had been cast. All three of them learned immediately after the demon entered the field of magic and became visible to them.

Energy surrounded the three beings, and drew them in closer, none of them able to resist the forces the mage had weaved into his ritual circle. There was a flash of light the shone throughout all of Baron as the three touched.
When it faded, one figure remained, layying on the hill top unconcious for the next hour.




Let the picking apart begin! ^^; edit: Yay! Grammar fix! <p>_______________

Jeridan: Holder of the "Tastes like Chicken" Award.</p>Edited by: [url=http://pub30.ezboard.com/brpgww60462.showUserPublicProfile?gid=besyanteo@rpgww60462>Besyanteo</A]&nbsp; Image at: 11/16/03 1:13 am

SALSAlys
 

Re: Dark Tidings: Prologue

Unread postby SALSAlys » Sat Nov 15, 2003 1:24 pm

I think it could be a bit more descriptive, since as is, it seems more like a summary of what happened. Although if this is just the opening bit, I suppose it's not that big of a deal. But write more. *chomps*


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Besyanteo
Would-be GitP Bard
 
Posts: 4612
Joined: Sat Nov 09, 2002 8:56 pm
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Re: Dark Tidings: Prologue

Unread postby Besyanteo » Sat Nov 15, 2003 10:33 pm

Lys's wish be my command!




<div style="text-align:center">Besyanteo</div>

Besyanteo is what the new being dubbed itself. In body one, in mind three. Many years passed, and knowledge of the man with purple hair and black skin quickly passed out of mind, until one fateful morning in Doma...

An elderly man walked down the sunny streets of Doma Capital. He wore red robes with long white sleeves. His unusual purple hair cascaded down his back, and moved to the front of his face to form a beard of matching color and length. He also wore a wide brimmed red hat with a white feather. This cast a shadow over his face, so only a pair of glowing yellow eyes could be seen clearly immediately under it.

He streatched his arms lazily, and you could hear more than see him yawn. He spoke in a sort of crackly old man's voice.
"Such grand weather today."
He nodded to himself, as if confirming this to be true by doing so, and moved on.

He approached an inn as he went, and the cobble stones under his feet were freshly wet and clean as far as he could see.
"And an impressive city to be in too... And clean! they even wash the streets it seems.
... Hrm. I think we'll spend a few days here. And an Inn right here. How convenient!"
With that, he strolled on inside.

In the main room, there was an innkeep who seemd rather agitated, and at a table there sat a lone dragoon in black armour, eatting a bowl of potato soup. He gave neither much more than a passing glance, as he heard uproarious shouts and banging from the upstairs rooms.

The old man blinked a few times, before cautiously ascending the stair case to investigate.
"That's a fight if ever I heard one... ... That or I accidently stepped into a burlesque house."

He entered the room the noise seemed to be coming from, only to find himself face to face with a rather unusual sight.
She (or it appeared to be a woman) stood five feet and so many inches tall, had hair red as fire and skin as blue as a berry, along with a set of pointed ears that ended in the cutest tufts or red hair. She wore robes of green and held a hat somewhat similar to his own, but pointed and yellow.

She spoke with a voice that was decidedly androgynous and had a slight purr to it.
"Burlesque house? Oh no sir. I asure you it is in fact an inn, a place where one mat spend a pleasant eveni-"
She didn't get to finish, as a young man whom Besyanteo could only half see, with wild brown hair and blue armour spoke.
"Mommy, I wanna ged off da wide...."
The young lady smiled in a manner that showed her chagrin, as Besyanteo looked up to see the two of the biggest orcs he'd ever behld in all his life.

The young lady spoke again.
"... Well, most of the time."




Better? =D? <p>


Jeridan: Holder of the "Tastes like Chicken" Award.</p>

Uncle Pervy
 

Re: Dark Tidings: Prologue

Unread postby Uncle Pervy » Sun Nov 16, 2003 12:02 am

Line breaks need some work, I think.

There is a significant difference of tone in the first part and the second part. . The first part is very...narrated. It feels as though someone is telling the story to us, as though it were all dialogue from some shadowy bard. This would be fine and dandy, but the second part lacks this quality entirely, being much more of a third person affair.

Also humbler = more humble.

THAT Being said! This promises to be interesting. <p>------------------
Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.
</p>

SALSAlys
 

Re: Dark Tidings: Prologue

Unread postby SALSAlys » Sun Nov 16, 2003 1:41 pm

MID WAI!

...and with that out of the way, the shift in tone is very noticable, as Pervy said, though I think it transitions well enough, with the italics keeping the original tone before seguing (or whatever you call it) into the rest of the text. Better descriptions, too. =D



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