The Wizard of Doma: A FANFIC OF ODDITY

[SALSAlys]

HMM. This is... based off of random insanity and stuff. And maybe the war. Mostly insanity.

---

Contrary to popular belief, not all dramatic events occur in the middle of some unusual weather. As an example, I will cite that when the house fell, it was on a lovely, cloudless day, with the sun shining down brightly and the flowers in full glory.

Pity that quite a lot of the flowers were crushed.

The house was rather more of a bar than a house, with a creaking sign reading

“The Jade Dragon”, slowly swinging to a stop as a tall, athletic woman opened the door and exited. Her black hair could be called ‘darker than a raven’s wing’ or some other such cliche, but then she’d likely shoot you with one of the pistols slung at her hips, and she was wearing dark shades and a black trenchcoat.

In short, she looked like a Matrix reject.

(Even at that very moment, in an alternate universe, an alternate version of this woman was hanging suspended in thin air while cameras swung about her.)

Her hair was tied into a long braid which thumped against the middle of her back, and she looked about with a shrewd, calculating gaze before muttering “Right. This is
what I get for drinking too much sake.”

She glanced down.

A few rosebushes were halfway under the bar, looking somewhat pathetic. So was somebody else, apparently.

The lower body of a woman— and judging from the slender, fishnetted legs, probably a quite attractive one too— was poking out from the foundations, with her upper body presumably crushed. She did have some rather nifty black boots, though, which had many straps and buckles.

Then a small, extremely fluffy white dog trotted out from within the bar. It sniffed, then in true doggy fashion, lifted a leg against the side of the building.

“Well, Karin, you really did it this time,” he said crankily.

A moment like this should deserve some comical, overacted scene of looking about frantically, then the woman’s jaw dropping as she realized that the speaker was the
dog.

Of course, we never get precisely what we expect, now do we?

“Oh shut up, Totoro,” she replied, pushing her shades up. Large, almond-shaped (why this particular description? Perhaps so you don’t believe that her eyes were round as oranges) green eyes glittered briefly in what would have been a shoujo moment, almost, save for the fact that she was grimacing.

And that was when the dwarves began popping up. Dwarves with flowerpots on their heads, no less.

The first one burst out of the ground a few feet in front of Karin and Totoro, the petunias on his head bobbling slightly as he peered about excitedly, then let out a squeak when he saw the half-crushed body. Then more dwarves began popping out, flowerpots bobbling and chattering excitedly.

Karin and Totoro exchanged A Look.

Looks can be very useful; they can make information much more compact, so that things like Right, apparently we are the only sane ones in the middle of this place, and the only TALL ones, so if they try anything, we’re both going to kick some dwarf butt, and if we get out of here, we’re telling NO ONE, or they’ll laugh at us. Deal? can be exchanged in a mere meeting of eyes.

Then another dwarf popped up. This dwarf, in contrast to the others, lacked any sort of flowerpot, and looked about somewhat sourly at his flora-touting compatriots before sighing, then glanced at the legs.

“...congratulations. You killed Arnast, the Wicked Witch of the East.”

Edited by: [url=http://pub30.ezboard.com/brpgww60462.showUserPublicProfile?gid=salsalys>SALSAlys</A] at: 10/22/03 12:02 am

[JoshuaDurron]

..............................................

::dies of absurdity overdose::

Angel Lorr: 'Tis nifty, and the afterlife would like to see more of it. ^_^ <p>

---

"Strenghten your lyre and sing
The hymn of death
The sky opens to us
They fly to the ray"

-Cante per me, Kajiura Yuki</p>

[SALSAlys]

...looking over this, I again realize that C&P gets messed up. Bah. *will edit later and add stuff*

[NebulaQueen]

This is great, Lys. Arnast as the Wicked Witch amuses me greatly. XD

I can't wait to see who the rest of the cast will be. *Is holding out for Jaeko being either the Tin Man or the Scarecrow* <p>

---

<span style="font-size:xx-small;">
"Hear all Hear All! I dub this man The Angst Mysterious Bloke of the party! May he now and forever more been known as this! Ask not his past, for it is probably overly tragic and boring. Ask not his name for it is more mysterious not to know it! And ask not of his powers for it is hiding behind a hood cause he's too scared of what women will think of his ugly mug!"-Jenna Tymisonn, Where the Heart Is

"Queasy? Queasiness is for the weak! And the queasy!" -Jaeko</span></p>

[SALSAlys]

After that surprising announcement, the rest of the dwarvesbegan to sing an impromptu song going somewhat along the lines of 'ding dong, the witch is dead, la la la' while the spokesman grimaced again.

"Oh, shut up," he growled. Theyp aid him no heed whatsoever.

Finally with a sigh, he looked up at Karin, shrugging. "Bloody stupid dwarves. I'm Kadrin, and the only reason I'm with this lot is because I've been exiled from my own clan."

"Why?" asked Totoro.

Kadrin appeared to show no signs of being disturbed by talking to a dog.

"Because they belong to the Wicked Witch of the West, Malachias, and he had a bet going on with Arnast, couldn't pay up, and asked to use dwarves instead of poker chips."

"Right. So now that the witch is dead, what exactly are we supposed to do?" asked Karin.

"Beats me. Where are you from?"

"Well, I'm from Valth. The dog's from the deepest, darkest pits of hell."

"Either way, I supposed you could go talk to the Wizard of Doma. He might be able to help you get back home."

"Hm. We'll try that, then," said Karin. "Thanks for the tip."

"No problem. Oh buggrit, the Witch of the North's coming. Put your shades back on," advised Kadrin before diving and covering his eyes.

Karin did so, while Totoro imitated Kadrin, as a flash of sparkles and light filled the air, and when they opened their eyes again, ar ather tall man with red hair, elfin ears, and wings was standing there. He bowed.

"Greetings! I am Will Baseton, the Good Witch of the North!"

"...I thought witches were supposed to be female?" growled Totoro.

"Much more politically correct to use witches as an unisex term now. After all, why should these positions of magical power be limited to women, after all? Male suffrage, that's the ticket!"

"Oh, shut up," said Karin.

Kadrin appeared to have disappeared, likely in disgust.

"Anyway, you have dropped the house upon Arnast, apparently, so— would you care to knock off Malachias while you're at it?"

"Sorry, nope. Got other things to do."

"But it's the right thing!" spluttered Will. "When given the chance to save a quarter of the world, you just aren't supposed to say 'sorry, got other things to do!'"

"Well, she just said it, so go boil your head," replied Totoro.

"Look, you've even got the obligatory cute fuzzy animal companion!"

"WHo are you calling fuzzy, wingboy?"

"Well, would you like her shoes, at least?"

"They look cool, but aren't really my style."

"I was talking to the woman, not you, twit."

Karin glanced down at the boots. "Right, they look cool, but I like my own too."

"Well, the boots are objects of power, and if you're wearinf them when you go to the Wizard of Doma, he may look upon you more favorably."

"Wait a minute, how do you know we were advised to go there? You weren't here when it happened," Totoro said suspiciously.

Will appeared to have trouble answering that, and Kadrin popped up momentarily again, and hissed into Totoro's ear "Massive godmodey BS power" before disappearing.

"What is the wizard? Some kind of shoe fetishist?" Karin asked warily.

"Oh, no, not at all. Look, just put on these boots— stop struggling, dammit! PUT ON THE BOOTS!"

"No, you bleeping BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP! Why the bleep can't I bleeping swear?!" shouted Karin, who was trying to kick Will, who had grabbed one of her legs and was in the middle of shoving them into one of the dead witch's boots (removed from the witch, of course).

"Because swearing is unladylike and in my presence, you will not do so!" panted Will, beginning to do the buckles up.

Totoro bit him on the bum.

However, such action was too late; Karin was now shod.

"Pervert boot-fancier..." she muttered, reaching down to undo the buckles.

However, she couldn't. They appeared to be stuck.

"Ha. Can't take THAT off until you go to the Wizard of Doma and get him to undo it. So nyeah," taunted Will, giving them both a raspberry while rubbing the part of him that had been afflicted by Totor's teeth.

"We've been railroaded," complained Totoro, in the midst of gagging.

"Maybe. Now toodles!" announced Will, vanishing in another flare of light and sparkles.

"Right. Now how do we get to the bleeping wizard?" muttered Karin. "Oh, wait, silly me; there's a big sign on this yellow brick road that says 'Wizard This Way'. I'll get some provisions."

[pd Rydia]

This is great. XD <p>

---

<small><center><font color=navy>Take these broken wings
And learn to fly again, learn to live so free
And when we hear the voices sing
The book of love will open up and let us in</font>

{RPGWW -- an RPing community} -- {Rydia's Pocket Dragon Encyclopedia} -- {Fantasy Dragon Oekaki}</small></center></p>

[Kelne]

*Totally adds throwing a bucket of water on Malachias to the minions' brilliant schemes*

This piece amuses me greatly. I look forward to seeing what happens next. <p>"80% of my so-called friends would happily push me in front of a bus. Of course, the next time I saw them, I'd be driving the bus." - David McPhale, as Rob Muldoon</p>

[Endesu]

I can't wait to see who the Straw Man, Tin Man, and Lion are.

:D! <p>

---

I believe in God, only I spell it Nature.
- Frank Lloyd Wright</p>

[Uncle Pervy]

Or the Wizard himself.

I vote either Aliester(for a real wizard) or Chandler (for the classical false wizard).

END RESHIKI NEEDS TO BE THE SCARECROW <p>------------------
Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.
</p>

[JoshuaDurron]

Cho or Griff should be the Lion. <p>

---

"Strenghten your lyre and sing
The hymn of death
The sky opens to us
They fly to the ray"

-Cante per me, Kajiura Yuki</p>

[SALSAlys]

Karin stomped into the bar again, then emerged with a backpack from which the jingle of bottles containing (presumably) alcoholic beverages could be heard.

"Bleep," she said experimentally. "Oh bleep. I still can't swear. I hope the bleeping wizard can undo it."

"Ha. But I can still say bleep," siad Totoro smugly. "Oh bleep. I can't either now. I really need to bite him on the butt again."

"Ew. At least wash your mouth out after you do that."

"Oh, I will. Blood makes a lovely gargle."

"Right, I'll pretend I didn't hear that. Now let's embark on this lovely bleeping journey along this road."

"Sure."

They continued along in that fashion, Karin swigging sake constantly from her bottle while Totoro paused only a few times in order to leave his own personal message at the bases of trees and other objects of interest.

However, after a few hours of walking, they could hear the voice of a young man calling out various swear words, though Karin thought she could do a much better job of cussing, save for the fact that Will had made her unable to do so. She kept that thought to herself, though.

Then they noticed the man— a tall blonde fellow with a red bandanna about his forehead, wearing a heavy red and gren coat which made Totoro irreverently comment about "Christmas ninjas". The man seemed occupied with chasing crows out of a field of corn, swearing at them the whole time and shaking a claw on his right hand at them.

Totoro was uninterested in that, though, and trotted forward.

"Are we on the right road to see the Wizard of Doma?"

"I could have asked that," Karin pointed out.

"Yes, but you stupid women never stop to ask for directions," the dog sniped back.

The blonde man turned an irritable gaze at Totoro, and nodded.

"Also, why are you chasing the bleeping crows? You don't look like a farmer," continued Totoro.

"...to tell the truth, I have no clue," replied the man in surprise, after much prodigious thought which had caused a sweat to break out across his forehead.

"Right, brainless," muttered Totoro, turning away.

"What the bleep did you call me?!" the man bellowed indignantly, then realized what he had said. "Wait, why can't I say bleep??! What about bleep?! Oh BLEEP it!"

"Sorry. THink it's a residue from some poofter named Will. He got mad at me for swearing," said Karin. "Maybe you should come with us to see the Wizard then, since apparently he's able to remove the curse against cursing."

"You bleeping bet I will!" the man bellowed again. Then, almost as an afterthought, he added "And since we're travelling together and everything, I'm Griff Amanziani. You are?"

"Karin."

"Totoro."

With introductions made all around, they continued on their journey.

[Shinigori V2]

What the bleep!?

I am very amused. More please! :( <p>

---

<div style="text-align:center">
</div>
<div style="text-align:center">Why Barius has no family reunions.</div></p>

[Uncle Pervy]

*Awaits more*

All things check out. <p>------------------
Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.
</p>

[PopoSujo]

Very amusing! Keep it comin'! <p>

---

When angry, count to ten; when very angry, swear.
-- Mark Twain</p>

[Firnthuleien]

*cackles in amusement* Great stuff Lys! Keep it coming. <p><div style="text-align:center">
(9:58:37 PM) Shinigori has entered the room.
DWSage008 (9:58:39 PM): I'm disturbed. How about you?
</div></p>

[SALSAlys]

Of course, it wasn’t long before the road terminated, appearing as though it had been neatly severed with a giant razor. It sharply ended in front of a tree, although there was an immense grating on the road. Karin raised and eyebrow, looking at it, while Totoro sniffed, then made a face. Griff seemed unphased, though.

“That’s the way we have to go now,” he announced, propping up the grating and beginning to slide into it.

“A sewer?!” Karin exclaimed in disbelief.

“Yep.”

“Hey, at least it’s not as bad for you as it will be for me,” commented Totoro, growling. “I’m going to be closer to the filth, and have to smell it.”

“Hey, it’s a clean sewer. It’s supposed to be part of the road, after all,” explained Griff.

“But if it’s part of the road, why does it have to go underground?”

“Beats me. But do you want to be able to swear again or not?”

“Right, right...”

The trio cautiously descended, and thankfully, there were luminous globes of light in the sewers, so they could still see. While there was filth, there was less than might have been expected; it seemed that Griff might have been right.

It was also fairly straight, with no branchings or turnings, so they were able to continue without any confusion as to what direction they needed to go in. Karin could see a patch of sunlight down the end of the tunnel, likely coming in from another grating which would be the continuation of the road.

However, just as they reached this welcome patch, they could hear a maniacal laughter, and out of a small patch of darkness came a man who appeared to be a twin to Griff, although his claw was on the left hand, not right.

“Oh bleep,” Griff said disgustedly.

“Ha! I am your obligatory enemy number one!” shouted the Griff look-alike, shaking his claw at them. “Give up your boots to Malachias, the Wicked Witch of the West!”

“Hey, you didn’t mention you were messing with Mally before,” Griff said suspiciously, looking at Karin and Totoro, then noticing her boots.

“Look, I’m not giving up my footwear to any crazed foot fetish people!” Karin said heatedly, swinging her empty sake bottle. She smashed it against the side of the sewer, and held the broken bottle menacingly, shards of glass glinting in the light.

“Hey, why didn’t you say you were fighting him before?! I’ll help ya! FIRAGA!” bellowed Griff.

“Hey, WAI—!!”

Unfortunately, fire spells in a sewer aren’t a good idea. The resulting explosion sent Karin, Totoro, and Griff flying out of the sewer, slamming into the grating, and then the grating broke free, so that they landed on the yellow brick road again. Of the doppelganger, there was no evidence; apparently he hadn’t been so lucky, and had also been blown up in the sewer.

Edited by: [url=http://pub30.ezboard.com/brpgww60462.showUserPublicProfile?gid=salsalys>SALSAlys</A] at: 11/11/03 4:44 pm

[Endesu]

The best stories seem to capture just the right amount of characterization.

I believe that you covered Griff completely in that one moment. :D <p>

---

The fear of blood tends to create fear for the flesh.
- Silent Hill</p>

[Raishilliah]

I am amused. Very much so.

... But why CAN ScareGriff (I shall call him that, for it is amusing) burn things? I'd imagine that'd be a bit hazardous, being that he's The Scarecrow.

<p>

---

"What is this free time of which you speak?" -Shal Finan</p>

[Endesu]

You need to read Griff's fateful decision in the Sewer of Plague Rats one day. <p>

---

The fear of blood tends to create fear for the flesh.
- Silent Hill</p>