Fire Dancers

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viator22
 

Fire Dancers

Unread postby viator22 » Sat Oct 25, 2003 8:23 pm

(My first writing effort in a while, but overall I’m quite happy with it. See an error, tell me. The stuff on Ki and Chi is not the least bit accurate, nor the description of magic. Fosso Wa is a temporary title for the specially engraved steel katanas Fire Dancers use, and is nothing but gibberish. Doesn’t even sound good. If anybody has a suggestion, I’m willing to listen. Particularly Japanese, since this is supposed to be Nekonia. Even if it’s not apparent yet. Enjoy. I hope.)

Niota was alive. Not in the normal sense that most people were alive because they were not . Being not was no special thing. Niota was alive, and that was truly very different. He could feel every stir of the air against his skin every ruffle of the loose practice Gi he wore. The air slicing whisk and le of his blade filled his ears, loud but not painfully or annoyingly so. He was still able to hear the late afternoon sounds through the thin fabric walls of the dojo. It was like cool fire had been placed in his bones where once there was marrow. This was the first time he had ever felt the strain, imprecise word for what was happening that it was, this way, even though Master Wasashi that the true Fire Dancing was supposed to be like this. It was supposed to feel like this and a thousand times again. All of this floated through Niota’s mind in a sort of slow circular drift, bits being added to it at various neural way stations. It was, in a strangely melded way conscious. To call it thought would have been wrong, but it was conscious. He couldn’t be thinking about what he was doing directly and maintain this delicious rhythm, but he could keep circular thought going.
Niota switched stance to from White Rapids to Eagle’s Crest seamlessly with the wrist flick he’d been practicing for that purpose over the last month, the curved blade arcing and spitting over his head. Once there it wavered this way and that, seeming almost like jelly in the way it wobbled. Eagle’s Crest was show and fluff more that it was useful in combat was what Niota thought. Master Wasashi said that there were times when flash and fluff could weave a shield between life and . Niota also thought that sometimes he might be right.
Leaving behind the waving and flashing of Eagle Crest Niota snapped down into the more tangibly useful Mist stance, knee’s bent and legs splayed nearly parallel; sword held near level with one green eye, the blade near vertical, edge up. The hilt was nearly touching Niota’s high cheekbone and his right eye was drying out from sighting down to the point rendered invisible by the curve of the two handed Nekonian sword style Master Wasashi taught. Niota stayed there, perfectly positioned, for nearly five minutes before, at some unseen cue, he snapped forward. The stabbing combinations, which was what Mist stance was valued for, linked to the Relic sheath stance to a Fire Brand side-step swipe and back to Relic. Relic was about ly deception. While his options seemed limited, he could use footwork and body language to move, or appear to move, in any direction. And Relic stance gave a flux to his Chi, allowing him to manipulate it through the Fosso Wa, the Fire Dancer’s wand. The Chi Tool. It’s purpose had been one of what Niota considered the first real lessons. Master Wasashi had given it to him the eighth month of his apprenticeship.

“We are Chi young one,” the teacher said. Niota had d being called young one when he had first arrived at the Dojo, full of vigor and what he had thought of as zeal. Demanding lessons, as he had demanded them of the teachers in his fathers manor house. The Master’s had shown him the futility of one who Takes but does not Give, “Chi infuses all of us. Every muscle, every bone, every tiny particle of Self is soaked in Chi. Sometimes choked in it. And what, young one, is Chi?”
“Chi is the power of life Master. It is an energy, and can be manipulated like any energy,” humbly, he had many lectures about sounding humble.
One long furred eyebrow had arched and a smile touched the thin lips. “What are the forms of energy young one?”
Niota gritted his teeth. This was brutally elemental work. The Master loved to play these games of drawn out words to make his points. Sometimes Niota saw them like little spears in the bush, waiting to impale his eagerly onrushing mind. Sometimes he caught them before they were fully formed. More often the sly old Master left his head spinning to ponder the answers and meanings later in his lightless chambers or under a tree in the Garden of Tumbling Stones.
“The forms of energy are plant, animal,
Chi, the physical energy, Ki the sentient’s mind energy, the divine energy of the gods, and Mana, the Arcane energy. All can be worked with the proper tools. Dryads, Druids and others manipulate plants and animals in a give and take kindness relation. They ask for favors and repay them. Magicians, witches ,sorcerers, and a hundred other mages and beings shape Mana with a hundred different ods, but primarily with their will. They pool the Mana and draw from it. In exchange they give the tolerance they accumulate through training and meditation.
“And why do they need this tolerance?” It was beyond Niota how he asked questions like this without those long tufted ears twitching or, or
something.
“Because the equation must be balanced. Give for take. If nothing is left of resistance then the Mana draws Chi and Ki unrestrained for balance. This causes the condition they know as astral drain,” Niota paused contemplatively. “The alternative is the body being flashed into component pieces, so I suppose it’s better. Psionics use Ki in a way similar to how mages use their will power.”
The tiny knowing smile had stayed where it was, “You have absorbed your first lessons quite well young one.” Then they had walked a while longer.
The Garden of Small Peace was Master Wasashi’s favorite. Despite that the name implied, well, a small peaceful garden, Small Peace was actually the compounds largest, and noisy. The other gardens, except for the Garden of Divergent Opinion and it’s angular Rivan styling, were in the smooth serene Nekonian style. Small Peace though wasn’t Nekonian. It didn’t have the balanced geometry of a Rivan garden either. It had audible noise from a short waterfall coming off the cliff wall on the back of the garden and visible noise from the rest of the space. Everything was painfully random lines and angles. Colors of bushes, grasses, and trees jarred together. It seemed like chaos. But if you looked you could find peaceful spots. Seen from the rest of the garden the southwest corner was as bad as any other, with a particularly bad mural. From a small, lumpy dirt hump in the northeast corner, in spring, it changed, the mural was partially covered. What did show through the carefully trimmed branches was some of the most brilliant art Niota had ever seen. The was a crawl space in the cliff obscured by a boulder. It could have been an animal’s den. If an apprentice took the leap of faith to crawl inside, with a lantern, what they found was a brilliant crystal chamber, like being in a life-sized geode. Master Wasashi had said before that the garden reminded him to think of the world outside the walls.
“Do you know what we do here young one?” said Master Wasashi, breaking their silence.
The question surprised Niota. He’d been expecting one, but that such so odd.
“We Dance Flame master. We hold the balance of the blade. We-,” Niota begun.
“Not the textbook answer apprentice.” The old eyes had become augers, slit pupils like blades, the once humorous mouth compressed, “I want to know what you think we do here.”
Niota considered keeping on with the line he’d been feeding him, but decided otherwise. Those eyes would know in moments if he lied.
“I think this is a sword school like any other Master. It’s got some unusual techniques and teachings, but it is still a blade discipline.” Niota thought he saw the earlier grin return.





Raishilliah
 

Re: Fire Dancers

Unread postby Raishilliah » Tue Oct 28, 2003 11:12 pm

Not bad overall, but one thing would make it ever so much easier to read.
Put in some line breaks.

Also: Critique time!
"Being not was no special thing."
That sounds a bit strange, maybe 'not' isn't supposed to be there?
"He could feel every stir of the air against his skin every ruffle of the loose practice Gi he wore" That's a run-on sentence and it doesn't make much sense.

"The air slicing whisk and le of his blade filled his ears, loud but not painfully or annoyingly so" That too sounds strange.

"This was the first time he had ever felt the strain, imprecise word for what was happening that it was, this way, even though Master Wasashi that the true Fire Dancing was supposed to be like this." I'm guessing that it was supposed to say 'Master Wasashi said' or something of that nature.

"It was, in a strangely melded way conscious." That's supposed to be "It was, in a strange melded way, conscious."

"He couldn’t be thinking about what he was doing directly and maintain this delicious rhythm, but he could keep circular thought going." I think it's 'thoughts', not 'thought'.

"Master Wasashi said that there were times when flash and fluff could weave a shield between life and ." Between life and what? I'm guessing it was supposed to say death.

"Leaving behind the waving and flashing of Eagle Crest Niota snapped down into the more tangibly useful Mist stance, knee’s bent and legs splayed nearly parallel; sword held near level with one green eye, the blade near vertical, edge up." It's "...of Eagle Crest, Niota" , the plural of knee doesn't have an apostrophe, "legs splayed nearly parallel; sword..." Something about that sounds strange... I believe the semicolon isn't supposed to be there... rather, a comma should be.

"Niota had d being called young one when he had first arrived at the Dojo, full of vigor and what he had thought of as zeal." Notice the 'had d', for d is not it's own word. Also, you're mixing tenses. 'Had being' doesn't make any sense whatsoever. It's 'had been', most likely.

"Demanding lessons, as he had demanded them of the teachers in his fathers manor house. " That's a sentence fragment. Who was demanding lessons?

"The Master’s had shown him the futility of one who Takes but does not Give, “Chi infuses all of us..." First of all, are "The Master's" doesn't make sense. Is it The Master or The Masters? In addition, after Give I'd put a period instead of a comma.

"“Chi is the power of life Master. It is an energy, and can be manipulated like any energy,” humbly, he had many lectures about sounding humble." There should be a comma after 'life'. Also, it should probably be "...it can be manipulated like any energy." As for the last part, what about "humbly, he had..." There should be something to the nature of "He said humbly, as he had many lectures about sounding humble."

“What are the forms of energy young one?” should be "What are the forms of energy, young one?"

"...Ki the sentient’s mind energy..." It should be "Ki, the sentient's mind energy..."

"...or, or something." You used 'or' twice where it should only be used once.

"You have absorbed your first lessons quite well young one.” Again, there should be a comma between "well" and "young one"

"The other gardens, except for the Garden of Divergent Opinion and it’s angular Rivan styling, were in the smooth serene Nekonian style." The Garden of Divergent Opinion isn't a person, so therefore "it's" should be "its".

"Small Peace though wasn’t Nekonian" should be "Small Peace, though, wasn't Nekonian."

"Everything was painfully random lines and angles." What? This sentence doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

"“Do you know what we do here young one?” said Master Wasashi..." Again, a comma between "here" and "young one". If Master Wasashi is asking a question then it should be "asked", not "said".

“We Dance Flame master..." It should be "We Dance Flame, master." except that still doesn't make a whole lot of sense. This sentence might need a bit of work to make it sound less odd.

“Not the textbook answer apprentice.” Yet again, there needs to be a comma between "answer" and "apprentice".

"I think this is a sword school like any other Master. It’s got some unusual techniques and teachings, but it is still a blade discipline.” There needs to be a comma between "other" and "master".
<p>


Sweet mother of an apple pie on steroids! -Blaze Yamato Spirit

I promise I don't bite... too hard. -Me!

If at first you don't succeed, type, type again.</p>


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