A little Jaunt into The World of FF7

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Banjooie
 
Posts: 900
Joined: Fri May 31, 2002 11:20 pm

A little Jaunt into The World of FF7

Unread postby Banjooie » Tue Aug 26, 2003 5:33 pm

Fuck, I'm not putting a disclaimer here. (F1) and any things like that that follow mean there will be a footnote at the end of the chapter.

That wasn't a disclaimer, was it?


--STORY START--


"Right, Knights of the Round, Mimic, Mimic...seriously, why'd they even put that Materia IN the game..."

Thomas Statford had beaten FF7 for, if he was counting, the 132nd time. However, the sheer tedium of the game had gotten to the point where he was most assuredly convinced he had slain Sephiroth a grand total of four hundred and twenty three times. The teenager whom had so overly beaten the Squaresoft creation was of a particularly unamazing build, with short brown hair styled in a mushroom cut, the particular cut being quite the style back in the 80's. He wore a slightly tattered shirt stained by countless hours spent in one's room consistently playing the same game, wishing one had a job so that Final Fantasy Seven was not the only video game in one's collection. He had in his possession, at one point, Final Fantasy Ten, until he had realized that he did not own a Playstation 2. The lack of such made owning that particular bit of the Soviet Conspiracy (Such had been proven just a scant month ago. He'd figured such, naturally.) hardly worthwhile, so he had sold it for approximately thirty dollars. That thirty dollars had gone towards pizza not 15 minutes ago. His house, unfortunately, was approximately fifteen feet from the delivery limit of the closest pizza shop. Therefore, he had to order takeout.


The house he lived in shared several qualities with American prisons. The food made was generally low quality, the part of town he lived in required that he have slightly above-average locks on his door, and the occasional visitor. Occasionally, the mold in his sink would cause riots.(F1) This was not conducive to him leaving the house. It would be particularly difficult to describe the method Thomas used to extricate himself from his home when necessary, but suffice to say, rubber duckies were not meant to be used in that manner, nor sticks in those particular holes. However, he had forgotten to remove the Final Fantasy Seven manual from his jeans pocket. This will, as you may have ascertained by reading the summary of this fanfic, most likely be important later. There may be a test.

Thomas threw the rubber duck through his door, promptly closing it soon after. It was best not to let the mold know there was an outside world. His surrounding neighbourhood was something to the effect of a suburban ghetto. If this mental image is difficult for you to comphrehend, picture Pleasantville in a post semi-apocalyptic setting. As he walked towards the place of pizza purveyance, a particularly good friend of his tapped him on the shoulder. Thomas leapt roughly 4 inches above the ground, quickly spinning to deliver a spinning backfist at the unknown assailant. However, two classes of Karate do not a master make, and Thomas instead did a sort of spinning top manuever, falling flat on his arse. His friend, Lyle Carciat, stared down at the fallen Statford.

"Right, I'm coming along," Lyle said. He was all about keeping his personal appearance tops at all times. His habit of procrastination, however, interfered with this. Therefore, he generally wore a well ironed T-shirt, and a pair of jeans consistently attempting to fray into a pair of shorts. "wherever the hell it is you're going. I'm bored."

Thomas gleefully gave his friend a secret hand symbol. To anyone else, it would mean 'Fuck you'. Between them, it meant 'Fuck you, please slide down a razor covered in iodine into a barrel of vinegar.' "I'm out to get pizza. If you wanna come along, you can, I guess." He dusted himself off, gradually standing up.

Lyle nodded, and patted Thomas's back as they began towards the pizza shop. It was, after all, over a mile away. A bloody ridiculous walk, but when you need pizza, you need pizza. And they'd arrive just in time for it to be made. However, this was one of those particular days when the laws of physics are off getting drunk somewhere with the law of averages and the fabric of reality. So one of the sidewalk panels was, instead of being a sidewalk panel, instead a square sort of concretey thing as they generally are, a square sort of mesh of impossible colors. Thomas and Lyle happened upon this particular panel, and looked down into it.

"Right, Lyle, what do you suppose that thing is?" Thomas scratched the back of his neck, peering down into the rift between worlds.

His friend took a look. "Looks kinda like a dimensional portal, I'd say. It's got the swirling impossible colors and everything." He looked about and picked a bit of lint of his pocket, dropping it into the purply thing. "...Yep, my best guess."

Thomas nodded, and hmmed. "So, what do you suppose we do? Step around it?" He waved his hand over the dimensional rip. It was, after all, maybe two feet square. And there was -pizza- to be had.

Lyle looked up, and then down. "Well, don't these things generally return you to the exact same time you left? We could probably pick up something neat in there while we're at it." He plunked a few pennies into it while they were making their decision.

Thomas raised an eyebrow. "...Where, exactly, did you get all this information about something that generally doesn't happen unless the laws of averages are off getting drunk somewhere with the law of physics and the fabric of reality?"

"Walmart." Lyle nodded sagely, holding his foot over the panel.

Thomas blinked. Sure, it was a perfectly nonsensical explanation. Then again, this was a totally nonsensical thing as it was. So maybe it worked out. "...Well, might as well, then. I haven't technically -paid- for the pizza, after all. But you go first. "

Lyle stepped into the portal, falling through into infinity. Infinity, for the record, looks sort of like a purplish green. Thomas chuckled, and turned around. "Well, that solved that problem. Now to go get the pizza." He patted his back pocket. ...And noticed something was missing. Namely, his wallet.

And thus, through the very depths of space and time, one phrase rang out through the dimensions through that hole in reality. "YOU -SOD-!"

Thomas made a leap towards where his friend had gone, closing his eyes. And started falling...

Falling..

Falling..

THWACK.

He opened his eyes gradually, peering about. Oddly enough, it looked exactly like his old dimension. Then he turned around. And realized what had happened. He'd overjumped the bloody portal and landed flat on his face on the sidewalk.


Thomas slapped his forehead, and just stepped into the bloody thing. Right.


-End of Chapter One-





Footnote one: Thomas had accidentally elevated mold growth to an art. The sink mold was his own personal penicillin strain, which had successfully fought off three bouts of pneumonia and meningitis. Not to say, of course, that Mr.Statford only grew mold for medicinal purposes. Most certainly not. There was a fine strain of Gamercia in the cheeto under the left couch cushion, which was discovered five years later to be remarkably good at Soul Calibur 2. <p><Chat> <Matto says, "What's up?"
<Chat> <Prince_Herb says, "Angst."
<Chat> <Prince_Herb says, "Drama."
<Chat> <Prince_Herb says, "Betrayal."
<Chat> <Prince_Herb says, "Plushies."</p>Edited by: [url=http://pub30.ezboard.com/brpgww60462.showUserPublicProfile?gid=banjooie>Banjooie</A]&nbsp; Image at: 8/26/03 5:33 pm

Nekogami
 
Posts: 1204
Joined: Mon Apr 22, 2002 12:28 pm

Re: A little Jaunt into The World of FF7

Unread postby Nekogami » Tue Aug 26, 2003 5:53 pm

Nice, Banj. Full of mature humor. Mature not meaning porn. <p>

<div style="text-align:center">
Nekogami Character Pantheon--Deviant Art Gallery--LiveJournal</div>
<span style="font-size:xx-small;">Words to live by:
OMG PRIAM: ninja sex would be neither felt nor seen by either partner
OMG PRIAM: each would just suddenly need a smoke
Choark: Good luck there. You'll have to shit out darkness and send people into oblivion.</span></p>

Banjooie
 
Posts: 900
Joined: Fri May 31, 2002 11:20 pm

Re: A little Jaunt into The World of FF7

Unread postby Banjooie » Tue Aug 26, 2003 9:18 pm

Thomas had learned one thing on his trip through interdimensional space. While it looks really nifty, bright lights really hurt your eyes. Okay, two things. Brights lights hurt, and going through 4+ dimensional space plays havoc with your stomach contents. So, essentially, Thomas fell smack dab into the bright sunny day in the field. Of course, given that he had just traversed into a video game realm, it was the only bright sunny day they'd ever had, and would continue to be the bright sunny day until the end of the game, at which point it would be the bright new meteor-crashing night. Sure, there were times when it was night, but that was only in specific areas. Sort of like scattered showers. Thankfully, Lyle hadn't gone too far. He was sitting on the ground just a few feet away.

"Trippy, isn't it?" Lyle made a peace sign, leaning back to stare at the sky. The clouds did what they always did, in the place they always did it. Whatever it it was they did.

Thomas simply gave the secret symbol again and tried to recover from the ardous trip through impossibility. After a few minutes, he shook his head and stood up. A few minutes more of looking about help him realize&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp something. Each bit of grass looked exactly the same as every other bit of grass. It was real grass, only planted in very specific patterns. Odd. Must just be his imagination or something. "...Well, that was a remarkably stupid idea."

Lyle nodded. "Yep, sure was. Probably shouldn't have done it, now that I think about it." Thomas inwardly remembered why he didn't normally take Lyle's advice. Lyle lived dangerously, and assumed everyone else did too. The entire concept of safety pretty much eluded him. Lyle was the sort who would probably, if he got mugged, critique the mugger and then mug himself to show how it's done. And he was stuck with this guy for god knows how long.

"...Well, we've already done it, so we've got to do some basic things first." Thomas nodded. He'd had the plan all made out. First they'd forage for some wood, make a home base, and from there, try to find out where they were. Maybe somebody'd pass by. Finding food would be difficult, of course, but he could improvise.. he walked forward, ready to embark on this new adventure, and hopefully, get his bloody pizza before he...

The world turned swirly, and sorta difficult to see. Thomas found himself in a place that seemed similar to the place, but..different somehow. He looked to LYle, who was now standing next to him. "Um, what the hell just happened?"

Lyle blinked, and pointed. "Well, I'd look at those monsters, and guess that we just did..something like a battle transition in an RPG." Thomas looked where he was pointing. There were, approximately 20 feet away, three motorcycle-looking things. They were staying in place. "And...looking to our left..." Lyle and Thomas looked. There was a floating blue rectangle facing them, with a chrome edging. It had their names on one side, and the names of the monsters on the other.

"And that looks distressingly like an RPG battle system. This is all your fault, you know." Thomas sighed. "We have no weaponry or armor. ...Do you think that the dimensional portal counts as a save point?"

The 'cycles did a sort of headlight blink. The one on the left somehow spoke up. "...Wait, um, who are you guys? Neither look like the spikey headed kid..." The other monster hmmed. "Well, uh, that one martial artist girl has brown hair, doesn't she? AND a white shirt? I bet that's her." The third one did a rather disgusted engine revving. "Notice how we can see the white-shirted one's shoulders, whereas the girl's pectoral muscles are far too large for us to do that? These cannot be the heroes."

Lyle scoffed. "Not heroes?! Of COURSE we're heroes! Aren't we, Thomas?" Thomas just looked deadpan. Bloody frightened out of his wits. And not particularly thinking. Not particularly thinking can lead to bad plans. Like agreeing with Lyle.

"Of course we're heroes. Yeah. YEAH!" Thomas nodded. That's it, they were going to scare the monsters away. The monsters....that willingly attacked heroes, knowing who they were. FUCK. "I mean, um..I mean, that is to say...umm....damnit, Lyle. I hate you." Thomas looked at the screen. Okay, it -appeared- to be getting close to his turn. Apparently, not being the hero of the game sort of gave you a slower turn speed. Bloody hell.

The monsters looked at each other. The first one glared its headlight questioningly. "Are you -sure-? Let's see your union cards." The second one revved a little. "Can't fight you without proof that you're heroes, after all. Against union rules." The third one hmphed. "They'd better at least have NPC licenses."

Lyle tried to dig his hand into his pocket, only to find that it was shut impossibly tight. "...Thomas, what the hell?" He looked to the left. ...Wait, he couldn't even look in his pockets because of this battle system? The hell is that all about?


Thomas heard a ding, missing what Lyle said entirely. Oh, his turn had come up. Right. Hm. "I've got Fight...yeah, that's gonna do a lot. Magic..um...why do I have...anyway...and..I've got Item. Okay. I'll just take a short look at magic. You guys don't mind, do you?" He looked to the..hey, he remembered those things. Those were Sweepers. Which means that they were somewhere near Midgar. Sweepers had...oh, bugger the HP, it's not like it's going to matter, he thought.


The sweepers revved. "No, not at all. Do contin-Oh dear god, Clarence, look at that. He's got Knights of the Round." The first one looked almost frightened. Evidently, Thomas's years of playing ff7 over and over again had made it so that he knew each and every spell in the game. "I think we're sort of spooned now." The second one hmmed. "Francis, you're right, we do seem to be in a bit of a tight spot, don't we...well, I'll see you once we're respawned." Thomas had seen it, and was doing a little victory dance. Already. The third one evaluated the menu. "Impressive set of spells, but I might note that it says that he has no MP. None. Whatsoever." Thomas stopped. ...Oh, hell, it does, doesn't it..Now that's just not fair. "...Okay, let's try items." A couple moments passed. "...Was ff7 even programmed to include 'Pocket Lint' as an item? And how, exactly, do I have 5 lints? What specifically is considered ONE lint? ...Ooh, the manual. That'll be helpful, I suppose. ...But yeah, we're screwed, Lyle."

Francis the Sweeper had had enough. "That's it. You guys aren't the heroes. Our union rules state we do not have to fight you. In fact, we refuse. However, we can officially demand that you two apply for NPC licenses. We'll take you to the office, if you like. And by 'If you like' we mean 'We're doing it.' Right.

Thomas grinned. Perfect! They were going to survive, and be totally free of any further monster interference whatsoever! HA! This was finally going good. And then they could find a way to get home. It couldn't be that hard...it happened all the time. Yep. That's it. It happened all the time. They were going to live the easy life, now. If they got NPC licenses, they got free food, free gold, free everything. They could give the heroes all sorts of equipment to save the world, and they'd be back home before they knew...

The third Sweeper hmmed. "How're we going to stop the battle to do that, given that their speed isn't high enough to run away, we can't kill them, and they can't kill us? Anyone?"
<p><Chat> <Matto says, "What's up?"
<Chat> <Prince_Herb says, "Angst."
<Chat> <Prince_Herb says, "Drama."
<Chat> <Prince_Herb says, "Betrayal."
<Chat> <Prince_Herb says, "Plushies."</p>

Uncle Pervy
 

Re: A little Jaunt into The World of FF7

Unread postby Uncle Pervy » Tue Aug 26, 2003 9:47 pm

*Hits Banj with the Fourth Wall*

HA!


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SorataYuy
The dark-haired miscreant
 
Posts: 88
Joined: Wed Nov 27, 2002 10:38 am
Location: Texas, USA

Re: A little Jaunt into The World of FF7

Unread postby SorataYuy » Sun Oct 12, 2003 5:26 am

*bump* we wants more of this please!^_^ <p>I BUKKAKE FOR JUSTICE!!!</p>


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