I'll come up with a title soon enough

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CronoLuminaire
 

I'll come up with a title soon enough

Unread postby CronoLuminaire » Wed Oct 08, 2003 3:14 am

Here is a fic I wrote, inspired by recent events and my having read Maus, a great piece of literature. I applaud anyone who has read it. Like some seem to do with Fics, I have taken some liberties, and plan to take more. Constructive Criticism would be appreciated. But the fact that this is read at all would be even more appreciated.

Kazerora 21st, 1339
So Journal,
I visited my grandfather today, I wanted to ask him about what happened… Father did not speak of it much and mother was inclined to agree, but Grandpa, he used to tell stories… But they were from before… would he not speak of it either?

“Aaron, what brings you over this way? You are like a stranger!”

It was true, I had’nt been over to visit for months. Traveling can get in the way of that, but I was back now.
“Grandpa, I just thought I’d stop by, is it not a good time?”

“What is a bad time for my grandson to visit? Come in. Imma! Come here, Aaron is visiting!”

My grandmother was not slow to appear, she took my coat from me and urged me to have something to eat.

“I was about to make supper, not much to make for one more.”
“Thank you Grandma”
The meal, a roast, was satisfying. Grandma was not so sure.

“I could have made the potatoes more tender, and the meat, it was dry, Bram, you can be honest.”
My grandfather sighed, “Woman, always you say this. I married you because you knew how to cook! The potatoes are just as I like them, the meat would be soup if it was less dry, and so tender it is… Why do you say these things? Always you worry about how bad you do! That is the bad!”
Always fighting over one thing or other, and instead of shying away from blame, they rush to take it. It is the martyr game.
“Grandpa,” I interrupted, “Could I speak with you? I was wondering about something”
We went to the living room and sat, while Grandma cleaned up from dinner.
“You know why she does this? For compliments, but not enough to say ‘It is good, thank you.’ No, always she makes the drama!”
“Grandpa, if I may?”
“Oh, what was it Aaron?”
“I was wondering, if you could tell me about…
What happened during the occupation, during the war”
“War? If you could call it that… Wars have armies on both sides, but this… I am getting ahead of myself, let me start at the beginning”

**
It was 1313, Things were good, we had businesses we ran, I ran the Grocery, My Father and Brother ran the Candy store, my sister had her store. My nephew would help out sometimes between me or his father. But your father… He was not to much to help. But I sent him to school. My Nephew, he was another set of lifting arms, but no brains. My son, his arms might have fallen for what he was a lifter! But brains, he had. This was earlier though, I am mixed up, your father had been going to school for some time when it happened.

But, right before it started, we did’nt know what things was happening. No one did, commoners did not hear much, except what came from the papers. But it came one day a headline. “Prominent Domans Killed!” The story said it was but rumors yet. A paper printing rumors, but at least it said so. Members of the Royal Family, and the Court Wizard, killed by things what we don’t know. But we knew soon. Less then a week goes by that we hear an announcement what say Doma is ruled by him, and that he gives everyone three days what to get going. It was not for everyone to go. Some had nowhere to go. Some wanted to fight even though the battle looked over. Some were not like you or me, and did not have to go. Doma city fell in a day! There was no warning, it was not even a war. It was a burglary!
**

“Why are you writing this down? Making a book?”
“I just want to have it to remember, but I had better get going” It was getting late.
“Well, I have talked maybe too much, perhaps it is best you go, come by again soon, I’ll tell you more if you want.”
I took my coat, and went home.
<p>
I should post more...<div style="text-align:center"><span style="font-size:xx-small;">Kyle: *sips Cocoa*
James: ::Sips Cocoa::
Eve: ::Sips Cocoa::
Cocoa; Gecko-Fencers, Reploid-bishes and Epee wielding children agree, It's the best drink on Gaera!
</span>ULTIMATE ESOTERIC ELEMENTAL
(You won't know what hit you)</div></p>Edited by: [url=http://pub30.ezboard.com/brpgww60462.showUserPublicProfile?gid=cronoluminaire>CronoLuminaire</A]&nbsp; Image at: 10/8/03 4:11 am

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Besyanteo
Would-be GitP Bard
 
Posts: 4612
Joined: Sat Nov 09, 2002 8:56 pm
Location: Virginia

MAKE A TITLE! >:|

Unread postby Besyanteo » Wed Oct 08, 2003 3:44 am

In seriousness, I like it. I would tell you to write more, but there isn't a whole lot of information to work with right now, is there?
Do more as you can!


SALSAlys
 

AND WRITE MORE.

Unread postby SALSAlys » Wed Oct 08, 2003 11:15 pm

Some sections, like dialogue, could be split apart for ease of reading, and italics used for flashbacks, or at least some; and line spearations, because otherwise it blends together.

BUT WRITE MORE!


Firnthuleien
 

Re: AND WRITE MORE.

Unread postby Firnthuleien » Wed Oct 08, 2003 11:25 pm

Eee! It's Scott! ^-^

But....... "My Nephew, he was another set of lifting arms, but no brains" :{{ Scott's not that dumb! *snickers*

VERY spiffay ^_^ Write more! <p><div style="text-align:center"> Image
(9:58:37 PM) Shinigori has entered the room.
DWSage008 (9:58:39 PM): I'm disturbed. How about you?
</div></p>

Arisa
 

Re: AND WRITE MORE.

Unread postby Arisa » Sat Oct 11, 2003 1:22 am

Cool!! But I'm a bit lost ::tilts head a little, being her usual unaware self as usual:: (is the person who'd hear a great joke and say "I don't get it") wright more! ^_^



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