In need of some commentary

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RagingLeprechuan
 

In need of some commentary

Unread postby RagingLeprechuan » Thu Jul 17, 2003 3:53 pm

Hey, I'm Chris and some of you may better know me better as Conor Malone, the Compulsive Gambler Conman with a soft heart for children and women. Below this is an opening chapter of a book I'm writing and I'm looking for some feedback as to how good or how bad it is.

So, tell me what you think and if it sounds like your like it, I might post more.

Chapter 1

That Which Haunts My Dreams

They say nightmares are fate’s way of showing one their fears and preparing them for a time in which they must face them.

His footsteps echoed in the cavern as he ran, as he ran from the horrid beast. The chase seemed like it wouldn’t end, for every three steps he took the beast took one; and the beast was still yet behind him. Its laughter echoed in his mind, but all his ears heard was footsteps and the occasional splash from a puddle. And with every one of those splashes he saw the beast mirrored in the pools reflection. It’s tall, strong, muscular body looming, plunging, stomping after him. The beast stood up right like as he did, but its legs were those of a goat, and its torso was as a man but with a blackish red hide which glistened as the dark cave’s damp walls moved to show its angle; as if almost suggesting the beast had scales and not skin. And upon its massive shoulders it sported a head of a wolf with black fur, razor horns, and white haunting teeth shimmering like knives. If the image had not yet scared the runner into thinking there was no escape he just then noticed that the thing, the beast, the demon had a pair of hellish black bat-like wings and a wicked curved blade encased in the hottest of white flames; so hot that they burned his very soul and lit the darkness about the caves depths. And so naked and devoid of any weapons he ran on, and just when he believed that the tunnel wouldn’t end the ground opened up beneath him, sending him down into a great chasm. Yelling and falling he struggled to grasp on to a ledge, but the walls merely moved out of his reach, expanding bigger and bigger until it would seem that the chasm would swallow the very foundations of the earth. His gaze then saw the blazing end; a pit of infernal fire. The embers glowed with frenzied heat as the flames waited for their meal, for they were so oh so hungry. With despair in his heart, and death looming in his eyes, as he closed into his fate he closed his eyes.

Yet suddenly like a bright light of hope a hand juts out catching his hand, saving him from the painful doom. As the hand pulls he gains his footing only to see the beautiful face of his savior. Once upon the chasm ledge he sees her, a woman of astounding beauty. Her white cream face smooth and absent of any blemishes. Her eyebrows auburn and thin compliment the two emerald orbs beneath them, like two rare and precious gemstones. And yet below them opened a mouth full of perfect, clean pearls that sent a hypnotic shine into one’s mind; behind this lovely angels face he saw her light auburn hair flowing in the caressing wind. He looked, searching but found his thought to be wrong, for the woman bore no wings upon her back. With a closer inspection he noticed a light covering of dirt on her cheek and clothes, perhaps suggesting at the thought that she too had been in trouble of her own. Her brilliant smile soon turned to a mouth of worry and concern; and her voice her oh so lovely voice sang as if a chorus of angels were singing. He was left speechless; so she asked her question again.
“Sir, are you alright…. sir?” Her voice was so soft and vibrant he felt as though he would fall asleep, of course until she laid her silky smooth hand upon his bare shoulder, tossing him from his trance.
“Uh…W-what?” So he spoke.
“Are you alright sir?” She questioned him with a concerned voice.
“Yes, thanks to you my fair maiden.” Trying to charm her with his coy words. For by this point, the beast, the fall, and the madness, had all been whisked away by this new women’s presence.
“I’m glad your alright, and no thanks needed, I’m just glad I got to you in time.” She calmly explained with a smile. Standing the man extended his hand in greeting; although he noticed he was naked, he dismissed it, for there was little he could do about it.
“My name’s Arrakis.” He spoke with a friendly smile. And with this action, the young women quickly averted her eyes, as her cheeks filled red with blush; her arms were tightly wrapped about her body. “Sorry, I’d cover up, but there aren’t any clothes about.” Arrakis spoke noticing his error in approach.
“Cover up? But you’re the clothed one.” She spoke with a confused huff.
Perking his eyebrows Arrakis looked upon the girl as if she was blind. “What do you mean, you’re the one who’s dressed.”
“Well…I see you with clothing.” She squeaked out beneath her breath.
“And I you.” He retorted and after a brief silence he added, “It appears this place has many surprises.”
“Yes…it does, well my name is Leisha.” See stated, still unsure of the situation; still thinking that he was just wanting her to expose herself.

&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp Arrakis looked about the cavern, and aside from the chasm below, there was only a cave about. Leisha noticing Arrakis eyeing the cave; spoke up. “That’s where I came from, and there’s not much back there.” Looking into his eyes, as she spoke to him. Gazing she, for the first time took in his physical appearance. His eyes for one were a cold iron gray with glittering sparkles of gold tossed about them. His body was sleek and muscular holding more of a tone then just muscle mass; meaning he was most likely more of an agile rouge than a brutish barbarian. He stood only a few inches taller than she did, and she was about the same height as a wolf standing on its hind legs. Unlike the men of her home his face was cleanly shaven and his fingernails were neatly cut. Lastly she noticed his hair, it was a dirty blond in shade and configured in messy yet attractive manner.

“Maybe you missed something, a secret passage perhaps.” Arrakis stated as he made his way towards the cave, but stopped dead in his tracks when within the caves depths he spotted two glowing red eyes peering at him from the shadows concealment. And then the eyes got closer, and pounding footsteps moved in sequence with them. Arrakis moved back and took a defensive position in front of Leisha.

“W-what is that thing!” Spoke Leisha with panic in her voice. And so with that as his cue the beast spoke.

“Fear me mortals, fear and despair for your life has met its end.” The voice was strong and dark, and for every word it spoke, another evil almost echo spoke as well but its voice held a deeper more suppressed sound. To Arrakis’s surprise the beast spoke each word perfect, which meant it was intelligent… perhaps smarter than him; that would be a bad thing. Only now upon closer view did the beast’s true physical power become noticed. The beast stood much like that of a bear reared up and roaring, placing the beast’s head close to the caverns ceiling. Its massive arms alone were the size of Leisha. And his claws were like jagged blades that dripped of vile poison; they appeared as though they could crush a horse’s skull with one swift jerk. His eyes were dark and deep as if they themselves were made of the very shadows of the abyss. His wings were like a cloak about his fiendish body; for they were far too big to open in the cave he stood. The beast walked forward its wickedly spiked prehensile tail thrashing with glee, and with each step the cliff side shook as if it were to crumble beneath his thundering steps. Arrakis’s heart beat; it beat fast and hard; feeling as if it would burst from his body and flee, leaving him behind. But then fate, oh so merciful fate! The beautiful goddess, bless her ever flowing luck. She had sent him a chance, a gamble. Their lay a dead solider or perhaps a knight, his bones bleached and his armor rusted, but his sword shone as though it were new. It gleamed and beckoned him to take it by its hilt and unsheathe it from its earthen prison. And so Arrakis leaped and tumbled, sliding towards the cliff’s edge.

Leisha scared and confused was petrified, paralyzed; she couldn’t move. And for the beast, he merely chuckled, an inhuman chuckle almost like that if a hyena’s howl, and with that howl its dark voice echoed. Arrakis cared not, for he saw his chance and took it. Grabbing the shinning blade by its golden handle he drew it along with all his strength; and he swung the blade. Flying through the air in a graceful arc it aimed to strike the beast’s heart. Flowing it moved as if dancing in its wielder’s hand; and so it struck the demon. And so it did shatter. It broke into a thousand pieces and with it did died a thousand dreams as the beast struck Arrakis with his mighty curved weapon of fiery destruction. The fiend’s muscles did clench and Arrakis’s body was cleaved. His head and torso falling into the chasms depths, while his remaining self crumpled where it stood. His upper self screaming in terror as he tried to grab on the side of the chasm, closing to the end, the fiery end.




SALSAlys
 

Re: In need of some commentary

Unread postby SALSAlys » Thu Jul 17, 2003 5:47 pm

Very good descriptions, although it can get a bit overdone in places, but most of the time it still keeps the imagery, except for one part, describing the girl's height.. most people wouldn't know the height of a wolf on its hind legs, and why would it relate to the story? It just kind of jarred with the rest of the stuff, and I'm sure you can think of another way of describing it.

Dialogue also needs to be broken apart, spaced out again so its easier to read. Hit the enter key twice.

Oh, and the paragraphs are good, but how big they are, and chunky... it doesn't seem visually appealing, and kind of hard to read all in one go without losing your place or interest, so maybe try splitting into smaller paragraphs.

And we still need WHY this stuff is happening!


RagingLeprechuan
 

In need of some commentary

Unread postby RagingLeprechuan » Sun Jul 20, 2003 1:20 am

Passage Way Of Secrets

A passage way is much like life, long, dark, and full of surprises within its battered walls of stone and wood; And beware of its foundations or else it shall entomb you.

&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp Then he burst awake; he had had yet another nightmare. As his voice came to a screaming end and the sweat pour down from his brow; the bedroom door burst open. In entered a slightly pudgy, balding man running to Arrakis’s side. “Prince! Prince Arrakis! Are you okay?” Yelled the man in a worried voice.
“Yes Farguest, I’m fine.” Droned Arrakis in a tired voice.
“Did you have the dream again young sire?” Queried Farguest.
“Yes… I did.” He was hesitant for Farguest always made a fuss of the nightmares.
“Maybe, I think we should go to the royal court priests young sire?” Bated the short man, in a desperate tone.
“I wouldn’t want to worry my father Farguest.” Sighed Arrakis.
“Well, maybe, I could get you something?” Asked Farguest in an eager to please manner.
“No Farguest, I’m fine.” Arrakis stated in a matter of fact way. Only it continued; it always continued.
“Are you sure young sire?”
“Yes”
“But”
“I’m positive.”
“Are you…”
“Yes, now go.”
“Young Sire.”
“Farguest, friend, I’m fine.”
“Well… okay.”
“Farguest.”
“Yes?”
“Goodnight.”
“Ah yes, goodnight to you too young sire.”

And Farguest had gone. Although he said goodnight, Arrakis had no intention of going back to sleep. Besides it was more towards dawn then the eve of night, or so it felt like it. And so, Arrakis donned his royal garb, which composed of red robes with an orange trim and the picture of a unicorn adorned the robes torso. A unicorn is a beautiful creature of the forest that is rare and mysterious. Shy even, yet fearsome if provoked or its home becomes endangered. Although the kingdom doesn’t protect the forest, in fact we cut it down in order to expand. But the significance of the emblem is to tell of the kingdom’s grace and luster as well as its strength gained when protecting its people. Arrakis always had to smirk at the crest for most kingdoms had dragons or lions as coat of arms. Yet theirs was different and quite truthful. Arrakis then grabbed his sword and its sheath placing it on his belt. But he passed up his armor, for it was very heavy and prohibited his maneuverability; father would be quite unhappy that he would leave here unarmored and unaccompanied.

“I believe it’s about time I paid Luna a visit.” He whispered to himself as he silently cracked open the door. Peering out into the hall he discovered there were no guards about, and so he slipped out of the room closing the door slowly behind him as to minimize the noise. He then continued down the hallway slipping past the occasional armored statue. Arrakis was fairly agile and light footed for one of royalty, and he partook in far too many acts of stealth then a kings son should. But in Arrakis’s place it makes far too much sense. For the man who is with him most of the time was a knave in his youth. Although you would never have guessed Farguest, due to his short, pudgy looks and his polite suggestive manner. And so, Arrakis moved along within the silence of the shadows, using the skills and talents he had begged Farguest to teach him. As he turned the hallway’s corner he began to hear thudding footsteps.

“A guard.” He thought, “Most likely doing his rounds.” He concluded as he slid behind one of the armored statues. Upon closer inspection the statues were actually just sets of full plate mail armor, the kind of armor the knights used in time of war. As he investigated the armor he heard the footsteps turn the corner. He pressed his back to the cold stonewall as his entire body began to itch and sweat, his breathing became irregular; it sounded as if the entire land of Cerious could hear his gasps for air. And from around the corner’s bend came a solider clad in the same robes that he wore with the same sword, and that armor Arrakis oh so hated for its ridged frame. And to his surprise the guard didn’t even notice him, he just kept on walking right down the royal red hallway carpet. Once the guard turned the next corner Arrakis darted out from the statue’s shadow into another’s until he had reached a flat stonewall devoid of an armored statue; a flat empty wall except for an unlit torch. A torch that Arrakis then pulled, and after he pulled it, the contraption yanked the torch back into place revealing a hidden passageway, behind the lonely stonewall.

Arrakis had found the secret when he was a young tyke running and playing about the castle. Slipping into the passage Arrakis hit a switch from the wall’s other side; then the wall slid shut. Continuing down the secret passage Arrakis soon came upon a flaw in the walls design. There was a crack large enough for Arrakis to peer into. On the walls opposing side was a small room with a sturdy bed, a cabinet with clothing, a locked chest, as well as a small shrine; the shrine was one to lady luck, the goddess of fortune, a common worship among rogues, thieves, and lone wolfs. It was Farguest’s room and it was neatly configured, not a single thing laid miss placed or out in the open, it was most likely and old habit; oddly Farguest was missing from his room. “I wonder what Farguest is up too.” Arrakis pondered to himself.

Arrakis continued on down the passage and when nearing its end, he suddenly heard his father’s voice; and he didn’t seem happy. “My liege it is time that we preformed the ritual of stars.” An unknown voice spoke in a calm clear manner.
“No! I refuse!” The king roared, making his displeasure very clear.
“My dear, dear king, you know we must.” The voice spoke an urging tone.
“The ritual lies! And I’ll not have worthless traditions!” Spoke the king with great rage.
“But my liege.” Squeaked the man, for he new his words would not be heeded.
“I your king was declared a tyrant! And am I not a good king?” He spoke with a strong yet concerned voice.
“Y-yes my liege of course you’re a good ki..” He mumbled forth, from his trembling body.
“And my son Arrakis proclaimed a betrayer…. Is he not loyal?” Torn were his words coming forth from his conflicting face not knowing whether it was angry or sad with hurt.
“Yes and I..” Barely getting a word out, he was interrupted by the king yet again.
“My answer is no, and this tradition ends now!” The king spoke these firm words and his fading footsteps finalized it.




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