I need help

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Christian
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I need help

Unread postby Christian » Tue Feb 19, 2008 4:34 pm

Hi, I know this is pretty selfish of me, but I'm under the influence of a energy vampire.

As some of you may nor may not know, I was absent for a long time; while some of the reasons were obvious, a few weren't and this is one of them.

A long, long time ago I "befriended" another forum-frequenter. I didn't really care much about him aside from being another anonymous face to 'HAK PIE' with and such. However, it became painfully obvious that it was a bad mistake, every time I logged onto AIM, this person would assault me, constantly writing how much he thought about me when I was gone, how much he missed me.

For a while, it was kind of fun, I admit that I shamelessly milked it for all it was worth, it's always nice to get a morale-boost, but soon enough I began to dread having to face the same pleas for roleplaying, hanging around, being with him. Thankfully, I didn't have to put much effort into school back then, so I got away with good grades while wasting hours roleplaying with this person. Close to every day.

Finally, though, with everything my life was going through, I decided enough was enough. I'm a bleedy person, hard as it may be to believe, so I decided that instead of just singling out those people I didn't want to be with anymore, I went for a complete shut-out, I cut off all my connections.

And kept it so for almost two years. I couldn't be without some of you people though, and once that my life cooled down a bit I went back online.

And fell into the same trap again. Now this person knows my MSN account, which has led me to block him ('though I actually think he has some way to see if I'm online anyway, he makes passing remarks that seem innocent enough, but I know for a fact that he was able to see whenever I shut down the window I was talking with him in before), dread going in on AIM and just forced me to back into the last safe place I have, this place. Hell, considering how he's just 'stumbled into me' before, he's probably got his eyes on this place as well.

This guy is, if I even remember correctly, pushing thirty, living with his mom and hating his life. I feel sorry for him, but I don't want to be there to comfort him. >_< I'm completely unable to make him realize this, I even wrought something similar a while back that just made him whine about how he'd change, which he of course hasn't. He constantly tells me that "it's okay if you don't want to talk or anything, no pressure, really, I'm just glad you're online. I'm so happy we're together again. o_o


Please, what am I going to do? I can't deal with these people, I can't say no and I've never been able to deal with this online. Offline I have no problem being a jerk (this is true), but it really hurt me when he started writing letters about how angry and sad he was that I was going away; "accusing" me (though he never said that out loud, always hiding it in grovelling) of hating him and being cold and cruel for just dropping out of his life.

What life? I've seen a photo of him that I don't even know if it's real and he's on the other side of the planet! I've never expressed interest in his life and I'm trying to be as polite about it as my swedish upbringing can muster!

...It's actually gone so far that I've started pretending I'm talking to him in the shower, just to vent in some kind of way... If that's not creepy I dont' know what is.

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Capntastic
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Unread postby Capntastic » Tue Feb 19, 2008 6:13 pm

I've got you right where I want you!!!

Actually, why not just tell him flat out he makes you uncomfortable? The truth might set you free.

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Besyanteo
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Unread postby Besyanteo » Tue Feb 19, 2008 6:26 pm

I agree with Zero here: Dancing around the issue isn't going to help anything.

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Kai
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Unread postby Kai » Tue Feb 19, 2008 9:29 pm

Tell him that you're actually a forty year old woman and then give me his phone number, after which I will play your irate and VIOLENTLY JEALOUS lesbian lover who will FIND HIM AND STAPLE HIM TO A TRAIN if he doesn't step off our beautiful relationship.

Alternately, do the sensible thing which Bes and Zero said. This guy requires a degree of emotional intimacy from you that he's got no right to expect from you, and to behave as though he's entitled to it is shitty to the extreme. If the only way he can hold you to him is to make you feel guilty, he'd rather see you unhappy and with him than happy any other way. That makes him a douche. Being a douche is bad, mmmkay?

If he talks about how lonely he is without you, remember that it's not your fault he's lonely. It's his fault for latching onto someone he barely knows and trying to chain you to him with guilt. You would not be "hurting him" if he were capable of having a healthy friendship with you. You would not be "hurting him" if he were interested in having any kind of relationship that was healthy for you. The fact that he's not interested in -slash- capable of either of these things is not your fault. That's his responsibility, and no matter what he wants you to believe, he is hurting himself. Don't let him turn your life into his.

Sorry for the rant. This shit just pisses me off. =[

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FF Fanatic 80
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Unread postby FF Fanatic 80 » Tue Feb 19, 2008 11:09 pm

I don't have much I can add, other than agreeing also with everyone posting so far. If he really cared about you, he wouldn't be trying to guilt you into staying close. He'd be willing to respect your feelings, and move on. Or at the least, only try to just stay friends. Fortunately, I know from the positive version of this, heh.

Here's hoping he takes the hint. =/

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Capntastic
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Unread postby Capntastic » Wed Feb 20, 2008 12:56 am

Woah I actually posted something sensible that people agree with?

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Justice Augustus
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Unread postby Justice Augustus » Wed Feb 20, 2008 10:36 am

Image

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pd Rydia
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Re: I need help

Unread postby pd Rydia » Wed Feb 20, 2008 12:50 pm

My suggestion:
This relationship is unhealthy and based on unhealthiness and you should end it, soon, completely, and with honesty. This will not be easy and will probably hurt but it will ultimately be the best thing for both of you.

The way I see it:
This guy is acting passive-aggressively--that is, he's being a jerk underneath a mask of more acceptable actions. This makes it hard to address the actual actions (being a jerk) because of the surface actions ("You're my best buddy, the light of my life, and my milkman! That's why it hurts so much when you want to have your own thoughts and life!").

This is doubly so because the person in question often only has a partial concept of what they are doing, and genuinely feel attacked and righteously hurt when you "misinterpret" their actions. Sometimes these people are very good at arguing, or at the least impervious to argument. When they defend themselves against your "attacks," they say hurtful things which get you...well, hurt, and confused, and make it even harder for you to try to explain that they are hurting you and why (which may lead them to believe they were right all along, because otherwise you'd be able to explain yourself, right?)

Obligations:
FIRST AND FOREMOST: You owe it to yourself to have a healthy, HAPPY life. This relationship gave you months upon months (years?) of hurt and intruded upon your life so much as to cut you off from the internet (imagine if it made you stop using the phone, reading books, or playing games!). It can do it again. You owe it to yourself to CHANGE THE RELATIONSHIP so that this doesn't happen again.

You owe it to him to apologize for your faults in the relationship (using him for your self-esteem). That was wrong and it's important that you should recognize that not just to yourself, but between you. Also, should you take my advice of cutting off all communications, you will not want any regrets and you really, really don't want to reopen communications (or to give him a reason to do so).

You owe it to him to tell him how you feel wronged. Don't expect a sincere apology, or any apology, now or later. He does have a right to know, however, and this knowledge may prove useful in the future should he decide to address the issue of how he interacts with others.

You owe it to him to tell him where you intend to take the relationship--to end it completely and fully (I really do strongly suggest this), to severely limit communications and interactions, to end it until a certain time or other goal has been met, etc.

MOST IMPORTANTLY, you do NOT need to convince him of anything. Trying to convince him will probably be futile. He's unlikely ready to face his own faults in this right now, and in fact may never be ready (or may never be able to admit it in front of you, etc.).

Etc.:
Expect your confrontation to be...well, a confrontation. This is not the type of person who takes criticism well, and definitely not someone who likes their safety blanket taken away. Unfortunately, this is most likely the type of person who reacts by attacking you and trying to pin the blame on you--another likely reaction would be to try to take all the blame and promise to change. He may do both. Either way, prepare yourself for an emotional explosion.

I think it may not be a bad investment to see a licensed therapist or counselor for advice prior to confronting this person. Putting it off isn't great, but the more prepared you are, the better.

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Christian
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Unread postby Christian » Wed Feb 20, 2008 2:54 pm

Alright, first of all, thanks. I kind of irked when I saw this thread again today, I'm generally pretty against puring personal this-pear on the internet, especially with a title like 'I need help', but I still feel like I did when I wrote this, and your advice has been very helpful.

I haven't talked to him today, as today was my designated hobby day and I basically only had OZ on while working on my miniatures... But I'm planning to have this conversation with him this weekend.

I really want to END this "relationship". I've never been good with people who can't like themselves (It just gets me the wrong way, kind of like on an instinctual level... I dunno), and we basically have nothing in common. What little we did use to have I don't enjoy any more and I don't ever feel like picking it up again.

I will be prepaing myself for the worst, When I first left he basically flooded me with e-mails, and this time I'm just going to tell him what I should have told him before.

I'll maybe post an update, depending on how it goes, but it's not as if I'd feel like gloating about it; this just feels like picking at some old scab that should've been left to heal.

Thanks for the advice, I feel as if I can make this into something serious and gentle enough not to cause a shitstorm.

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Kai
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Unread postby Kai » Wed Feb 20, 2008 2:54 pm

Dia makes a damn good point. The fact that he's going to freak out and try to make you feel like hell is not a sign that you're doing anything wrong. If he reacts badly, it's not an indication you've approached him incorrectly or (God forbid) done him some injustice. It's the inevitable result of you drawing appropriate boundaries for your own good (something he does not care about, whatever he claims).

Edit: Ninja'd by Christian! Ohnoes!

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pd Rydia
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Unread postby pd Rydia » Thu Feb 21, 2008 1:35 pm

Thanks for trusting us enough to let us give you advice. Good luck with this weekend.

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Unread postby BrainWalker » Thu Feb 21, 2008 8:01 pm

This thread is already full of sensible advice, so instead of being useful I will simply post my immediate reaction upon reading the original post.

Creepy.
Anime is kind of like fish in that it is better the less "fishy" it is.

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Christian
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Unread postby Christian » Wed Jun 11, 2008 2:45 pm

It's... done.

I finally confronted him; panicked and started saying a lot of things about everything being a lie, dadadadiidada.

But, we started talking. I told him the truth, everything of it, about how I felt, how he'd made me feel with his emails, everything.

We shook hands (figuratively) and settled things. I'm not blocking him, I promised I'd give him my ear if he needs to talk, but that's all I'm giving.

Chapter's closed, and I think I got the happy ending.

Thanks for your help guys.

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Unread postby DrSteveMcSexy » Thu Jun 12, 2008 12:05 am

THIS IS ONLY A TEMPORARY SOLUTION.

YOU MUST COMPLETELY DEMOLISH HIS EMOTIONAL WELLBEING ELSE HE WILL ONLY RETURN. AGAIN AND AGAIN, EACH TIME STRONGER THEN THE LAST.

THE OBVIOUS SOLUTION IS TO SEX HIM (IN THE BUTT) AND AFTER HE TELLS YOU HOW WONDERFUL IT WAS, YOU MUST THAT YOU ONLY DID IT OUT OF PITY AND FOUND HIS PERFORMANCE TO BE LACKLUSTER AT BEST.

THEN POST ABOUT HOW PATHETIC HE IS ON YOUR MY SPACE OR OTHER SUCH THING. IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER WHERE, JUST SO LONG AS IT'S PUBLIC.

ALSO, YOU SHOULD RECORD THE WHOLE THING AND ALSO POST THE VIDEO.

I AM POSTING THIS IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE WE ARE IN THE SERIOUS FORUM, AND I AM BEING SERIOUS.






SERIOUS.

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Dragon Sage007
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Unread postby Dragon Sage007 » Mon Jun 16, 2008 1:28 pm

I THINK THAT DOCTOR STEVE'S IDEAS ARE VALID AND TRUE. BECAUSE HE'S A DOCTOR. DOCTORS KNOW THINGS, DONCHAKNOW?

HIS NAME ALSO COINCIDES WITH MY NAME OF STEVENS, AND AS SUCH, THAT MAKES HIM 1000% MORE ACCURATE.

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pd Rydia
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Unread postby pd Rydia » Tue Jun 17, 2008 10:24 am

Thanks for the follow-up.

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Capntastic
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Unread postby Capntastic » Tue Jun 17, 2008 3:55 pm

And now healing can begin. Yay!


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