RPGWW

Sigh... I feel pathetic. All those people you know, the ones that only exist in online forums in high school and are all angsty and sad and worthless? I feel like that now, saying this here. Hell, I feel bad saying it at all. Like this is some kind of touchy-feely therapy I'm supposed to do. I'm not supposed to burden other people. (Well, I'm finding that last statement is actually wrong...)

Some bad stuff happened to me recently. A girl rejected me, and not in a good way. I told her she looked beautiful, she told me she never wanted to be my friend again. I've been seeing her for like 6 months now.

And then a new friend I met this fall in college, new freshman from my old high school), died last wednesday. Suicide.

I feel bad that these things are waying equally in my mind at best. I feel bad that this just feels liks self-pity on my own regard. I don't know if I'm sad that she's dead, or if I'm sad because I'm not. The girl who rejected me just called me while I'm writing this, and acts like nothing happened. I don't know if she's excessively polite or what anymore. I don't know why I'm so emotionally distant from everyone I know. I'm saying things that can't be helpful to people. This isn't helpful to people. I know that it's good for me. I talked to the girl that killed herself explicitly about suicide less than a week before this happened. I'm eating wrong. I'm not sleeping. I'm overwhelmed by the homework I have to catch up on now.

Why do I have secrets?

~Hatsuma

You know... if your friend has rejected you... there isn't a lot to lose by asking why she's acting like nothing happened.

That suicide bit is harsh, though. My condolences. <p>
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NebbieQ: After all, nothing says romance like fighting the forces of Cobra and Druggies with a Rocket Launcher of 80s Justice.</p>

Not everything you say and do has to have purpose or obvious benefit.

Okay, that's me talking out of my ass in the 'cheer up' sort of thing that's expected in this kind of conversation. What follows is me as I usually speak.

If you're so worried about helping others all the time with your every action, I'd wager strongly that you have no effort remaining with which to do anything that would benefit *you.*

Talking straight, without regards for helping others, is one of these things. I will tell you right now, flat out, that you need to learn how to act for *you,* and talk for *you* without regard to others' feelings. Otherwise, any loving relationship you involve yourself in is doomed to failure.

Trust me. I know this shit. I used to live like that.

Say something with a bite if you feel like it when someone has hurt you. Make a fuss when you know something is wrong. Start an argument sometime, just to see where it goes. Problems rarely resolve on their own, no matter how much time they are given.

You can bring things up, make your discontent known, and suggest or even urge a fix. Or you can sit on it, and let it eat you from the inside. The resentment you hold against the offender for offending you will destroy you while you hold it inside, bound by the ropes of your concern for their feelings.

Stop the cycle. Yell at someone.

Just remember that sometimes, even if what you said is what you meant, an apology can be a necessity too. But it is better to apologize than to beg permission. <p><span style="font-size:xx-small;">"It's in the air, in the headlines in the newspapers, in the blurry images on television. It is a secret you have yet to grasp, although the first syllable has been spoken in a dream you cannot quite recall." --Unknown Armies</span></p>