Dear [you],
As you no doubt have noticed in your years, this planet can sometimes be a rather wet one.
Somehow I had long managed to avoid this harsh reality of life, dodging rain, swimming pools, and places that serve barbecue ribs. Unfortunately, as of yesterday, the cruel and unforgiving nature of liquids came crashing into my life like a fat college guy at a Dave Matthews show.
Friends, I regret to inform you that yesterday my cellphone was destroyed when it was dropped outside (I'm not naming names here; this isn't a witch hunt), left behind, and eventually frozen into a high-tech piece of ice.
If you are like me, you may not have known too much about the mysterious substance known as ice. Well let me share some facts that i found:
Ice is the result of breeding between water and cold. Fortunately the ungodly hybrid is completely sterile, and so is unable to reproduce.
Ice generally exists at temperatures of somewhere around 50 degrees fahrenheit or below, give or take a few degrees. No one is sure.
Ice was named after Robert Van Winkle. Van Winkle was one of hip hop's early pioneers, and is the current Prime Minister of Austria-Hungary.
Ice will destroy your cellphone if you let it (***IMPORTANT****)
So you may be asking yourself "Why have i read so many words, yet i can't figure out the point of all of this?"
Let me cut to the chase.
I'm a very stupid man-thing. I don't know your phone number. Period. If I do know your number you are my mom or dad or the police. The kind that arrest you, not the kind that sing you "Message In A Bottle."
That being said, we have reached a crossroads in our relationship, you and I. Your options are as follows:
1. Send me your number, knowing that it will then give me access to you and extend our relationship for many glorious years to come.
2. Do not send me your phone number, thus cutting me off from you henceforth, and making you look like a total jerk. Who is the real loser in this situation? If you've read this far, I think you need to do some serious self-reflection here.
3. I guess you could send me a fake number which would make you more of a jerk than #2, but arguably more clever as well.
The best way to do this is maybe to send me a text with your name in it. Then I can be lazy and just save the number when it comes in. Don't send me a text without your name, cuz i won't know who the heck you are. My number is still
Spoiler:
Or you could just respond to this email with your number.
If you are really old school I will also accept communication via aldis lamp or semaphore code.
One final note.
In honor of my fallen cellular comrade, I will make a donation in the names of the first five people who provide me with their numbers to a moisture awareness fund. We have to learn from this experience. I don't want more people to suffer as i have.
Thanks.
-Shini's Brother
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