godspammed

[pd Rydia]

In a most spectacular manner!
This story shall be aided with images.

This morning(/afternoon), was greeted with the usual two billion credit card offers and something...unusual. It was a churchy envelope.

My first assumption, naturally, was that one of the local churches had gotten into credit cards to get an edge over competitors. Thus, I prepared to open it, to see if I need(/want) to shred(/burn) anything found within. I opened with faith and found...





...Inserts! Hundreds of them! Okay, maybe four. One of which is the top most envelope show in the above two images. Another of which was very, very colorful. I like colors, so I pulled this one out first.




Holy hokey relics of faith, Batman! A Church Prayer Rug? A Prayer Church Rug? A Rug Church--oh, forget it. At any rate, I don't remember rugs having much to do with Christianity, aside from covering floors, and occassionally walls or altars--nothing to do with rites. But, who am I to doubt--THIS rug is soaked with PRAYER POWER--the back tells me so!

Still, I was a little disappointed--with the whole PRAYER POWER thing and all. I just got my hopes up, that's all. When I saw the "prayer rug," I thought it might be some sort of Islam thing--but alas, it was not meant to be. I guess I really wanted to be able to tell the grandkids that I was godspammed (Allahspammed?) by a Mosque called St. Matthews. I mean, Wouldn't you?


Swallowing my disappointment, I pulled out the next insert--the second-most colorful one. BEHOLD as I once BEHELD!




Man, this is just like those letters my mom used to get when I was a kid. I guess it's the changing times..."You may have already <s>won</s> been blessed with <s>one BILLION dollars!</s> 46,000!" Only this one can cure cancer, too, because <small>GOD CAN DO ANYTHING</small> (St. Mark 10:27, the Bible!!)

I would truly be a fool not to believe in God and the Church Prayer Rug.


Well, I'm down to my last insert. It's not very colorful, and it has a lot of words.




I'm kinda tired and bored now. And hungry. I think you can do this one on your own well enough. I'll leave you a few potential starting points:<ul>-=- Can you spot all the different names for the "Church Prayer Rug"?
-=- Many commas are in places they should not be. Can you help them find their proper places in this piece of writing? (esp. for Priam)
-=- For full effect, try reading this dramatically, aloud, to family or a friend. (bonus credit for uploading a recording)</ul>
I GO NOW.
Let us chuckle. <p><hr /><div style="text-align:center">dictionary.com | encyclopædia dramatica</div></p>

[Groxley Grunk]

Woah. Reminds me of that guy using god to sell real estate in the Bahamas or whatever from way back.

I wish I was more religious. Then maybe I could finnaly start making some goddamned money.

[Seethe347]

They sent me one of those one time, but I was less interested it in and I think I got a grease-stain on Jesus's eye. It never made it back to the church and the prayers of thousands of people were lost forever.

[Capntastic]

Pray for the confusion in my home! I never know what's going on! Aaaah!

[ikozaedro]

That jesus-rug used its PRAYER POWER (which it is soaked with) to FREAK ME OUT with jesus' opened eyes!

i belive in that rug's PRAYER POWER, i do! i do! <p><div style="text-align:center"> <span style="color:fuchsia;font-family:comic sans ms;font-size:large;">LAMBO SWIMS LIKE A BRICK!!</span>

my deviant art thingy!
quote:
"Angels sung out, an immaculate chorus, down form the heaven descended Chuck Norris"
- Lemon Demon, "the ultimate showdon of ultimate destiny"</div>
</p>

[Besyanteo]

When Televangilism just isn't enough, it's the PRAYER RUG. Yes, THE PRAYER RUG! This Holy, annointed object representing Jesus' eternal love can be yours for only $19.<span style="font-size:xx-small;">95</span>*!!

BUY FIVE TODAY!


















<span style="font-size:xx-small;">*fifteen payments of</span> <p><hr /><div style="text-align:center"></div></p>

[Archmage144]

The best part is the checkbox for "pray for me to recieve this amount of money $ _____." <p><hr /><div style="text-align:center"></div>

</p>

[Evil Killer Poptarts]

Can I just publically distance myself from that one and say that most Christians don't godspam? Really. We're not ALL psychotic. <p><div style="text-align:center"></div></p>

[Wolfbelly]

<span style="color:red;font-size:x-large;">HOBO POWER!!!</span>

Edited by: [url=http://p068.ezboard.com/brpgww60462.showUserPublicProfile?gid=capntastic>Capntastic</A]&nbsp; at: 2/1/06 10:54

[Besyanteo]

/golfclap <p><hr /><div style="text-align:center"></div></p>

[Ganonfro]

This makes me feel better that I'm techincally catholic. We might have sexually frustrated priests who molest little boys and a crazy new pope, but we don't fucking spam... To my knowledge.

I think that's why I don't like religion in this country. If they don't suck, they blow. And never swallow. :(


Sorry for all the graphic language. I've read the entire "The Least I could do" archives in about 5 hours and hate churches which ask for money/send you crap in the mail. ...Stupid postal service... they're probably in on it...

[Endesu]

Haha. "God, I pray for my family and me, but also, more importantly, for a new car, $10,000 and confusion in my home!" <p><hr />
So I smile and pray upon a star...</p>

[SALSAlys]

Bet it's an optical illusion thingamajigger on the rug! I'd probably stare at that in confusion for a while.

[Nick Shogun]

2 cents. <p><div style="text-align:center">

www.livejournal.com/users/jankenpo/
Jan-Ken-Po, an Online Webcomic. Updated M-W-F!
</div></p>

[pd Rydia]

It occurs to me that I have a postage-paid envelope to this place.


I should mail them stickers, or candy or something. <p><hr /><div style="text-align:center">dictionary.com | encyclopædia dramatica</div></p>

[Capntastic]

Mail them Chick Tracts or something like pizza coupons or Jesus fanart ala Crayola.

[PriamNevhausten]

Those spring snakes that you put in pringles cans to scare kids =D <p><span style="font-size:xx-small;">"It's in the air, in the headlines in the newspapers, in the blurry images on television. It is a secret you have yet to grasp, although the first syllable has been spoken in a dream you cannot quite recall." --Unknown Armies</span></p>

[BrainWalker]

Priam amuses me.

Anyway, I have this wierd mixture of "being offended" and "being amused" by this whole thing. So far I'm more amused than offended, but I still reserve the right to shout what the fuck!?

So how big is this "rug" thing, anyway? I mean, they fit it in an evelope, right? So it can't be all that big. Or thick. Or useful. <p><div style="text-align:center"></div></p>

[pd Rydia]

Size of two pieces of printing paper. Had to scan it twice and stitch together--reducing it to indexed colors helped it look like one piece of scan, though. You can see the creases, though, where it's folded. <p><hr /><div style="text-align:center">dictionary.com | encyclopædia dramatica</div></p>